In your 50s and lost your way anyone?

[DoinItForTheKids]

Don't know whether this is the right place to post this - there doesn't appear to be an obvious section for sad 51 year old women so I'm going in the 'relationships: with yourself' direction on here and hope it's ok here.

I don't know if anyone watched the programme with Susannah Constantine, Les Dennis, Tameka Empson and Miles Jupp all getting fit? Susannah and Trinny used to help women who'd 'lost their way' on their TV programme (used to love that!) and they'd often have some lady in her 50s who'd gone astray and I used to think "god how pathetic (ha!! karma), I'll never do that". And Susannah herself said that she knew how to help other women but she couldn't help herself (which doesn't fill me with hope!!).

I seem to have arrived at a point where I just look like a sack of shit and yet, I can't stop eating constantly in the evenings - I honestly don't know what to do, I've no interest in exercising. No, that's not true, I am interested, but I just cannot get motivated to do it. I used to run but I don't know whether it's menopause or not but got fed up with my x2 a week 5 k runs because I never ever get the endorphin hit any more, it just doesn't happen! I used to go to Parkrun which on the one hand I loved, but it was just another exercise in being on my own and I stopped going.

I've got things to do in the house which I've now saved up for most of them, and yet I'm in stasis - I could have organised an electrician weeks ago but I seem like a rabbit caught in the headlights, I can't seem to get going.

I just don't know whether to focus on me, my job/career, the house, the garden.

I just do not know how to move forward or what to move forward with - idiotic isn't it! I'm generally totally fed up with myself. My hopes seem to rest on winning the lottery and being able to get a face lift, tummy tuck and liposuction - that would make me happy and get me going. But since that's not going to happen....

We are all a bit crap sometimes.

Well, Jon wouldn't reveal if she kept pets. This is a shame as if she didn't have any, I was going to suggest that she go over to the Doghouse thread and wind up people who were having dog training issues e.g., "I haven't got a problem with dog training and those that have, have only themselves to blame". I think Jon would have liked that.

Oh and as Jon says, she doesn't have piles, but is nonetheless full of shit - I admire everyone else who resisted pointing that out.

I think there are many posters on here who are really pleased to have the opportunity to discuss this; I for one thought that I might really be on my own with this, none of my friends had reported such intense problems (blimey I hope I am not friends with Jon) so thank you OP.

I don't appreciate another woman especially calling me a fucking victim. Who the hell are you to know my life and what I've gone through or not gone through? You don't and you're BANG out of order using that term. Hardly female supportive is it.

Despite what you may have thought, I'm far from a simpering pathetic wallflower sitting in the corner rocking. You poke me, I'll defend myself. I don't take shit from anyone including on here. Don't mistake any of us who are big enough and ego-less enough to say 'I've currently lost my way temporarily' with 'I'm a sap who's given up totally'.

We are all a bit crap sometimes.

I'm saying nothing.

Doin don't let Jon etc derail the thread, its important that people can compare their experience whilst others smugly sail (no pun intended Jon) through it.

Not experiencing all this doesn't give anyone the moral high ground, if you are having a grand time it doesn't mean you are a much better and more deserving person FFS.

Sorry people are being rude to you OP. They are best ignored. I was enjoying people's honesty and humour. But hey ho.

Thank YOU Staples and well said re Jon not that I want to bash Jon because that wasn't what I started this thread for, but to assume that you've done something and everyone should jolly well try it, is, patently, daft.

I've been thoroughly enjoying this thread and linking up with so many of you and it is good to know it's not us entirely on our own and to see what ways people are employing to get through to the other side. I hope we can figure out ways to move this all forward, I'd certainly like to try.

And thanks OP for starting the thread. Its a difficult topic.

Good luck with that then. Jon, you sound right up my street - if whatever the boaty equivalent

Staples
I'm saying nothing

^^This

I nearly did, I nearly did. I have great restraint

I think women get the shitty end of the stick throughout their lives. If it is not PMT it is peri and as much as you say to yourself I will just keep a positive mental attitude and power through, the reality is that often you can’t. I am 53 and have watched colleagues having an horrendous time with hormones, so debilitating. I was okay, I thought, but now the power surges are here for me and I feel a bit hopeless. My feet ache, I feel a bit teary, I get disrupted sleep and headaches, chronic fatigue. Depressing to think it is going to get worse and can drag on for years.

The one thing I try to do is cling onto the good days. Friday was a write off, bone weary with a migraine. But Sat and Sun were good days, I did long walks and felt energised. I know that these days are rare so I try and get a lot of chores done on high energy days because I know I will become a sloth when I am having a dip.

In the last 18 months I have lost 2 stone by eating lunch/dinner only and walking at least 10,000 steps. I feel fitter and my figure is better than it has been for years. I think if I hadn’t lost the weight I would be feeling really crap now. My career, if you can call it that, is demoralising but well paid. I am not stretched mentally, so I have started to learn a language via an app and my brain fog miraculously lifts for that. I really enjoy it and it is a positive sign for me that the grey matter still works.

I have no sex drive and not interested. I have a DH and I suspect he is getting sex elsewhere but I am not arsed. Is that bad? I see him as my best mate and why should my lack of interest prevent him from being sexually active. I’d rather not know though. My head is firmly buried in the sand.

I do sometimes think about death. Not in a suicidal way but in a what are we all worrying about shite for, we are all going to die. Or just the fact that I am nearer death now and what do I have to show for it. I have a property that is now mortgage free (which I am grateful for), not much of a pension coming, no kids to leave it too, no pets, no family. This mid life crisis + peri = rollercoaster time. Up one day, down the next, hopeful one day, down in the dumps the next.

I bite my lip a lot now because I often to blurt out the wrong thing these days, so for the first time in my life I am quiet, which makes me feel like the grey mouse in the corner. I always thought I would be a ballsy, vibrant older woman. But no, the increasingly invisible middle aged woman with the downturned mouth and weirdly dry hair now.

I just take it a day at a time and hope that the next day will be a better one. And one day this shit period of life will be over.

SingSong literally, don't even worry about it. I'm not! Fixed assumptive opinions mean a lot less to me than people thinking about working collaboratively and positively to find ways forward, sharing without judgement and encouraging each other to find their own way forward that works for them. And yes SingSong I was enjoying it too ! (And shall continue to do so).

I am going to look at St John,s Wort.

I've just gone back to lunch and dinner only Timefortea. If you can do a 5:2 fasting diet I can't see why not having breakfast if you don't feel hungry is wrong. I still get the calories I need and the nutrients but it takes account of the fact that really I'd like to eat the contents of half the cupboards in the house in an evening so whilst it flies in the face of dieting wisdom, I need to eat the most at tea time. So I'm going with that. Must weigh myself and then I can figure out if I've lost anything.

Have been forcing myself off the back of the strength gained from this thread to be a lot more organised with my lunchtimes at work meal prep and that's a great help.

My work's the opposite! Pretty darn stimulating but the pay isn't what I need as a single parent with two teens! But I'm hopefully getting a fair bit of development this coming year which will give me qualifications which I hope might enable me to earn more in the future. That's if anyone will hire me in a fairly high powered ish type of role when I'm say 55! One lives in hope! So it'll be good to learn some new stuff and go through a qualification for the old brain.

I know what you mean Time, it makes you wonder what it's all been for doesn't it. I mean I've got two lovely children but eff all pension and god knows how long I'll have to keep working for (which I don't mind on the one hand, it's how long will I be able to work for, I mean, healthwise?). My mum had vascular dementia and that's a real fear for me I've got to say.

You live the life you choose. If you don't want to change your life don't. That's why you would rather sit on your computer and moan that this hurts, that hurts, and my life is fucking boring. I didn't suggest everyone sell their house and buy a boat. What I was trying to say is you can change things if you are not happy. But like I said 'you live the life you choose'. And I am where I am because i chose to be. And for the person who said about dogs. There are no bad dogs. Only bad owners.

I'm still open to St John's Wort but need to find out if it's ok with Implanon, HRT patches, multivitamins and CBD oil lol!!!!

Christ knows why I'm on Implanon anyway. I've got the most secure form of contraception I've ever had, but I'm not having any sex!! It'd be funny if it was funny!

You're also where you are Jon because you had the option to be. I'd love to sod off and go and live in the Caribbean on a sailboat but sadly that's just not going to happen - I'm sorry I can't change that or do something similar that would satisfy what you think would be appropriately different enough to receive your approval.

We are on here because of the very thing you mention - we are looking at what we can do to feel more happy, but we will do that with ways that we find suit us as individuals. We are not narrow minded enough to say to each other 'you can't say you feel shit, it's not allowed'. If someone feels shit or feels lost then let them have the voice to say so. At least they've had the opportunity and it can be useful to just write things down and see what others are also experiencing. I'm sorry (not sorry) that this apparently angers you.

You'll note that initially no one had anything negative to say about your boat thing until we started getting told off for being (in some people's view) pathetic in some way.

You speak as though life is random. But in reality it is a series of choices. It doesn't anger me what people have said on here but I think it buys into a negativity that has misogynist undertones and that thinking stops women fulfilling their potential. There is a whole world out there . . .. I'm not saying your feelings don't matter, to the contrary I am saying if you are unhappy bloody well change things. I'm out . . ..

Hello, occasional lurker and Mumsnet admirer, I've finally just joined because of this thread. I am 53. Yes yes and yes to so many comments here. Thank you everyone for being honest, it has been so refreshing to hear from others like me. And Oh sod it all. Odd hairs spouting on my chin. Smooth jaw line a distant memory and not coming back. Hair dye just does not stick! And hair texture is grim. I. Am. Hungry. All. The. Time. Until my late 40's I felt sexy, never jealous, confident. Now if my blameless partner has a work lunch with his team I know the women are all years younger than me, slim, lovely hair and skin, so much less cynical and generally more admiring that I have been for years. I hope he will not stray, but now for the first time, I cannot be sure. It is rubbish. And how we are viewed in the workplace in our 50's, where to start?!

Jon you've hit the nail on the head. Worst thing is women are the main ones perpetuating the myth. This is the time of life when we're freer to do our thing and suddenly all these aches and pains and tiredness take over, we just want to lie around eating chocolate - really?

See?! I knew Jon would enjoy telling people their own business on another thread

Imagine if every time someone wrote a thread on MN saying "things are difficult for me because x y z" rebel will come on and tell them women are perpetuating myths and instead of just lying around and eating chocolate they need to stop complaining and pull themselves together.

I just can't see that catching on to be honest ...

I agree with Jon
You don't need to buy a boat to choose to make the most of life. I daren't complain about my age at work as my colleagues are fit and dauntingly energetic seventy year olds who don't appear to have got the memo they should be retiring and dying.
I'd second the poster who recommended spin as a great way to exercise.

Well I'm out of this thread now. The increasing rudeness and negativity of the goady ones getting on my nerves. But thank you for food for thought OP, and others who posted, its great to have a reality check, plus recommendations, and the occasional .

Well the thread did inspire me today to buy some good skincare stuff, a new and good shampoo and some teeth whitening strips and get back to slimming world!! So hey ho, all good. It's a very different thing to know you have lost your mojo a bit and be sad cases, and I know full well if we all met we would be a bunch of bright sparky women with the right company, aching limbs and frizzy hair or not!!