In your 50s and lost your way anyone?

[DoinItForTheKids]

Don't know whether this is the right place to post this - there doesn't appear to be an obvious section for sad 51 year old women so I'm going in the 'relationships: with yourself' direction on here and hope it's ok here.

I don't know if anyone watched the programme with Susannah Constantine, Les Dennis, Tameka Empson and Miles Jupp all getting fit? Susannah and Trinny used to help women who'd 'lost their way' on their TV programme (used to love that!) and they'd often have some lady in her 50s who'd gone astray and I used to think "god how pathetic (ha!! karma), I'll never do that". And Susannah herself said that she knew how to help other women but she couldn't help herself (which doesn't fill me with hope!!).

I seem to have arrived at a point where I just look like a sack of shit and yet, I can't stop eating constantly in the evenings - I honestly don't know what to do, I've no interest in exercising. No, that's not true, I am interested, but I just cannot get motivated to do it. I used to run but I don't know whether it's menopause or not but got fed up with my x2 a week 5 k runs because I never ever get the endorphin hit any more, it just doesn't happen! I used to go to Parkrun which on the one hand I loved, but it was just another exercise in being on my own and I stopped going.

I've got things to do in the house which I've now saved up for most of them, and yet I'm in stasis - I could have organised an electrician weeks ago but I seem like a rabbit caught in the headlights, I can't seem to get going.

I just don't know whether to focus on me, my job/career, the house, the garden.

I just do not know how to move forward or what to move forward with - idiotic isn't it! I'm generally totally fed up with myself. My hopes seem to rest on winning the lottery and being able to get a face lift, tummy tuck and liposuction - that would make me happy and get me going. But since that's not going to happen....

Thanks for the vit D tipMoonlight.

I get what you mean re the difference between work and home albeit (especially after midday) I get REALLY sleepy and my brain goes into a fog and I can barely think. Still doing fab at my job though - for the moment!

June you are an inspiration to us all.

Thanks for everyone replying - I seem to have hit a nerve and at least we know we aren't alone in our pain.

Well said @Mojo. What you need to do though is just sell your house and buy a boat dontcha know.....

And if Jon66 IS a man I’m sure he’s an expert on women / menopause / hormonal changes etc etc .... They always are. Oh , and I’m sure he won’t be one of the older men that women our age find unattractive and unsexy.
The great thing about this thread is how honest people are being. It’s supportive / depressing / funny , all at the same time .... and makes women going through this life stage feel less alone.

I did not manage to do any of exercise classes over Easter 9kids and stuff to do) and it made me feel quite down.

I realised I need sport every day, and I am fighting (against other tasks) to fit that in! It has a huge positive effect on momental health

Two weeks without exercise and I was grouchy, sad, and eating badly.

Exercise (any) is key IMO

My parents are in their 80s and very active, this is quite inspiring!. My dad is 81 and cycles an hour every day. My mum (80) still works part time as a tutor. My godmother came to see me the other day (she is 82) and we walked for 2 hours, then she wanted a pub crawl (well, we did 2 pubs )

old age can be tough, but some people are lucky. Maybe that'll be us?

It is nice to know it is possible anyway!

(kids) not 9kids (no way!)

Oh yes.

The jowls

The DCs who are lovely but just won't leave home.

The multiple aches, the tight ligaments, sore feet, loss of muscle.

Exhausted, tired but not sleeping ...

I'm right there with you all. 54

Now I know how those salmon feel after they've laid their eggs.

op, what your describing is not really relevant to age, i have seen young people in their 20s and 30s fall into these states.

I think we're often too hard on ourselves. And that makes it harder to make decisions because, if you're like me, you have this little inner voice that says 'but what if...'

Like clearing out cupboards always brings 'what if we need that set of books', 'what if we need those spare blankets', 'what if I need a washed out black T-shirt' (like that's going to happen eh?) But if you give yourself a talking to you realise that if you need them in the future there are wonderful places called shops...

I've started to try to get my head back into shape by concentrating on one thing. I have a main plan to do list that look like

1. Clear up garden
2. Decorate DS's room
3. Sort out mum's house (she's just gone into a home with dementia)
4. Clear out cupboards - always clearing cupboards, they breed when the doors are closed you know.

But I now choose one thing from that plan and do my list around that. The rest can wait. I put the big plan in a drawer once I've got a to do list from it. So my list now looks like

1. Weed bed near patio
2. Buy clematis and rose bushes
3. Plant clematis and rose bushes

Seems daft but weeding a small bed seems more achievable than 'do the garden' and 'buying clematis etc' is easy so you get a buzz from ticking that off the list. Breaking it down makes it look achievable even if it looks like an idiots guide to gardening! And every step is a step closer to the garden getting cleared.

On my personal note I've recently had my hair cut short which makes life so much easier, wash it and leave it over breakfast then put 'mess up putty' through it and I'm out of the door. Apparently it makes me look younger (yippee). I just did it because I got fed up with the 'rats tail' look I'd been cultivating.

I've also been on the Slimming World diet which I love because I can stuff my face and still lose weight (even if it is only a pound a week - I'm in no hurry). I dieted on and off since my teens and I'm not going off this planet without enjoying a cream cake or a take away now and then.

I also realised that women I admire (like the Helen Mirren's/Jane Fonda's of this world) look good not just because they're slim but because they aren't afraid of colour. Mary Berry became famous for her flowery jackets. Many middle aged women almost fade into the background with 'safe' colours as they confidence goes. So I'm making a conscious effort to add more colour - brighter T-shirts, pretty patterned jumpers. It's not easy - I never really went for bright or patterns in my younger days. But I'm surprised how much more of a glow my skin gets when I wear bright pink as opposed to baby pink or sky blue rather than a paler blue. And it makes me happy to see the rainbow colours in my wardrobe now.

And two years ago (when I was 53) I started my own craft business - which is doing OK (enough to make me smile when I get an order but not so much that my head begins to spin). It took me five years to actually open an Etsy account (which is where I sell) - that 'but what if' moment happened again and again. My little business has made me realise that I still have a lot to achieve, plans to get done (if I ever finish the to do list...) and gives me a sense of worth. I'm never going to make a fortune (doesn't even cover a take away some months) but it's not about that. It's about a sense of achievement and looking forward to the future.

Bucking I once watched a Blue Planet episode I think it was. The poor old female octopus spent god knows how long tending her eggs and by the time they were big enough to float off to pastures new, her entire body was depleted and she died. I thought yep. That's me!

Well, report for this evening. 7pm and I just felt asleep on the sofa, couldn't stay awake. Thankfully only for 20 mins or so. My belly's massive (despite being on Implanon I get the odd period (had one last month) but at other times have the massively bloated belly and the kind of pre-period rumblings and sore knockers - which can go on for weeks). Had a good morning at work but once again half asleep come lunchtime depsite a brisk walk outside.

Indeed they may do Shane, but in this case the symptoms are related to age. I wouldn't have been placed on HRT patches by a GP if I just felt tired and was 25! I'm 51 and since HRT reduced my overheatedness and helped me sleep through the night, then it was overtly age-related.

I think you are right London, I do feel there's still good things to come, certainly with my 'career', I don't feel all is lost eternally. But I don't have the wherewithall at the moment to do the things on my many lists, however unintimidating I make the tasks! I agree with you about them blessed cupboards though, how do they do that?!

FFS I'm 55 and a woman. I didn't sell my house and buy a boat, I downsized and bought a boat. There are women out here who sail single handed and are bloody fantastic. And I've gone through the menopause and I still get hot flushes after 5 years. Am I ok to join your club now lol? I HATE the way bloody mumsnet turns women into victims. Some of us are out here and getting on with good stuff. The sun is shining and life is good. Get a bloody life you lot.

Good for you Jon. But the point is some of us are struggling at this moment. You're not, I'm not always, but aging is a complicated business

Jon, but sometimes it is nice to have a little moan in a safe place, menopause can be a bitch

You can't force a positive attitude on people

And mumsnet doesn't do anything to anyone except give a pretty safe space for people to talk
Cheeky bastard

Jon can I ask do you keep a pet, a dog or cat for example?

At the risk of getting on everyone's nerves I'm going to say the word testosterone again! Or more to the point Testogel which is the way to take it...
Unless you've actually tried this, in combo with oestrogen therapy, i think it's such a shame to accept all these awful symptoms as 'natural' for women. Left to nature we'd all be dead by now and that's the point - we live longer lives now so we need to find ways of staying well. At 55, i feel far happier and more energetic than at 40 (or actually at any age). I have the best sexual relationship of my life and more desire for sex than at any other age. I also have zero flab - yes some wrinkles obviously but who cares when you feel this good?
Sorry if this is irritating but it actually makes me want to cry when other women are all backing each other up in what i see as a complete myth and such a miserable one - it scares me to think i nearly bought into that 'slaves to our hormones' thing as a jaded 48/49 yr old, and could easily have gone downhill from there. To me this is a truly fabulous decade and I'm so grateful to have found my way through

I thought it was just me!

I'm so glad I've found this thread. I'd write more but I'm shattered and have to start thinking about getting lunch n stuff ready for work tomorrow.

I just find that my energy is finite these days, and when it 'ends' I kind of keel over until I'm recharged. I'm exhausted most evenings.

But, I did find that breaking the sugar-tiredness circle helped for about a month, and I lost weight! But then stress hit, and here I am again, solidifying into a sofa sugar mountain...

You can't assume we are all 'accepting' these symptoms though rebel. That's an incorrect assumption. I've only been on standard HRT for several months. Only just started multivitamins over the last two weeks, and CBD oil on a low dose for just the last 6 days - it's a journey. that I will undoubtedly progress along as we all will. You cannot also assume that every woman is lacking in testosterone. I really appreciate you heads up on this and would certainly consider it as a future step but not until I've tried other things first - if that's ok with you! Hot flushes, insomnia and trying to figure out where you fit into life when you've been shat on by numerous men are not 'mythical' symptoms, they're out reality, at this point in time and we are seeking support, humour and ideas from others in the same boat. But all of us are individuals and what works for one may not work for another. You'll note my post title was not 'my hormones are ruling my life and I've given up' - it's about 'losing your way at the general age of 50'.

Jon. It's condescending and quite rude and brutal to assume that we're all sitting here on property piles (excuse the comparison, I mean as in country pile) that we can downsize and go live on a boat! It's not possible for everyone to do what you did just because you did it and it worked for you. I'm STOKED it did, I genuinely am, but it's surely obvious that it's not an option for everyone out there to do that or even anything remotely similar. And by the way Jon? I am NOT a fucking victim.

The point is we are more than our looks. There seems to be a whole lot of people on here who think a few wrinkles, dodgy knees and a bit of wattle (is there such a thing as a bit of wattle) means we are not important or can't succeed at anything. What life has taught me is it's not all about how we look, and I really resent the attitude that our looks are important. It's about achievement and how we view ourselves that is important. Not how men view us. Isn't that the point? And before everybody has a go at me for saying not everybody has the ability to achieve, yes we do. If it's having successfully brought up a family, having a successful career, or just being able to pay our rent on our own each month, or even just getting out of bed in the morning (which sometimes is an important achievement) it is about achievement and how we feel about ourselves. We need to do things for ourselves not other people.

I have an image of you cashew slowly atrophying into a giant sugar cube! I used to be the person who never ever ate anything sugary but I confess to sitting in bed last night and eating a blasted entire Galaxy easter egg and a mini malteser bunny - why god why?!

I am thinking of lots of things I want to say about Jon being on a boat, but just wanted to check whether she has any pets first. Bear with me.

I haven't got piles . . .

Jon - Don't be shy - do you have a pet? (very tempted to reply to the piles comment but I want to stick to the pet thing first)

Actually if you read your initial post it does sound really defeated and like you want help. But now helpful things are being suggested you're all 'I'm doing all the right stuff already and i don't need advice'. Apart from if the person giving the advice says they're also up the creek - in which case it's very welcome. Fine. As my annoying XH used to say, misery loves compsny

So fucking what if it sounds defeated! Any post is of a moment is it not? Right at this sec I'm feeling quite positive and do you know why? Because of the shared interactions with folk who aren't daft enough to tell me that all I need is to either 1. downsize and buy a boat or 2. get onto testosterone. They're empathising and sharing their experience without an agenda. That's what I've found most useful. Bully for everyone who's found their way forward - I'm genuinely pleased for each and every one. but not everyone is at that stage. I certainly don't think I'm doing all the right things I've clearly said I'm being quite crap at the minute.

Ah how we all see things differently. What I've got from this thread and the op is honest concern and sadness and a gratitude for that from others. Noone takes every piece of advice they are given, you pick and choose what fits best