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Ex is threatening to kill himself if I stay in new relationship

(173 Posts)
NoPhelange Thu 30-Nov-17 09:37:08

Pretty much what the subject says. Me and ex split after 12 years and 2 children together in January. He moved out and abroad for work in August, returned 2 months later and is living between his mum's and sisters house. He had access to our children each weekend, and sometimes saw them after school through the week once or twice. I am in a new relationship now, have been since May. My new partner is known to him, however not a friend or related. Since he came back from working abroad, I have been subject to o constant harassment from my ex as to why I should leave him. Telling me rumours about him, who has slept with before with me and insinuating contact is ongoing - it isn't. It's all to cast doubt. It has gotten so bad that my partner near had a mental breakdown last week and we had to get away with the kids for a few days to his parents to get some distance.

I have blocked ex, but he always manages to find a way to make contact. When it became clear to him that I wasn't listening to his gossip, he started with death threats. Turned up to my house one night when partner was in work to say a final goodbye, with a car full of ibuprofen and paracetamol. I tried to get him help, he told me if I called an ambulance as soon as he got out he would kill himself in front of me.

Now the stress of this has very nearly split me and my partner up a few times, as his ex is also being a bit of a twat. I'm downplaying it to keep it brief, but to say it has been intense is an understatement.

Now my ex is saying he can no longer have access to the kids overnight as he can't bear to hear them telling him happy things of what we've all done together. And is now adamant that he will indeed kill himself this weekend if I choose to stay with my partner, as he can't bear to have him bringing up his kids. Even though he instigated the split, and left them to move abroad for what was going to be 2 years.

What the hell do I do here? How do I handle this? Obviously it'd break my heart for anyone to kill themselves because of my choices, but I also can't have him controlling my life anymore as he has done since we got together 12 years ago. He was very emotionally abusive, and is still doing his utmost to carry that on it seems.

Is there anything I can do? Any sort of cease and desist or injunction I can get assuming he won't go ahead with killing himself to stop the constant harassment about my partner? I don't wish harm on the man, but I don't wish to speak to him about matters that don't involve our children but he just can't help himself. I'm actually scared of him and his desperation.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated sad

Mylady Thu 30-Nov-17 09:40:03

Honestly - I would call the police and say hes threatened suicide. Each and every time. I bet they and his mother and sister soon get fed up of it .

OwdBets Thu 30-Nov-17 09:41:59

I'm not sure but I think if you contact the police and tell them of his suicide threats, then they can section him.
It sounds like he can't accept that you've moved on.

TheNaze73 Thu 30-Nov-17 09:42:10

I agree with MyLady. He’s being manipulative

mamas12 Thu 30-Nov-17 09:43:59

You know it's a control issue
No wonder you left him
Please phones them today and then go to your gp and get some help for yourself

timeisnotaline Thu 30-Nov-17 09:44:26

Call the police every time. You should have called thr ambulance as well that time, even if he were serious if he swallowed them in front of you they'd come in time. He's not serious. Call the police, every single time.

AlternativeTentacle Thu 30-Nov-17 09:46:17

You can't let your kids see him this weekend if he is threatening suicide. Stop engaging in any way. Each time you get a threat report it to the police.

BiglyBadgers Thu 30-Nov-17 09:47:11

This sounds horrible.

I really wouldn't want him looking after the kids anyway, as whether he is genuinely suicidal or not he is clearly not in a position to take proper care of children.

You can certainly call the police regarding the harassment. Write a list of all the incidents and timeline. If you feel he is a danger to himself you may want to also give a mental health team or social services a call.

chatty1234 Thu 30-Nov-17 09:47:16

Report to the police he's being manipulative.

mindutopia Thu 30-Nov-17 09:48:33

Yes, call the police. You can also get a non-harrassment order. The police can start the process of that too. But calling his bluff and involving the police will show him you aren't willing to play games (also creates a record for the police for later). Further, I would take steps to change his contact with the children. No one who is threatening suicide and engaging in that level of harassment should have unsupervised contact, and I would make sure the children are safe when they are with him at least until he sorts himself out.

BiglyBadgers Thu 30-Nov-17 09:48:48

Actually I think the other posters are right. Just go to the police, I am over complicating things involving different service.

greendale17 Thu 30-Nov-17 09:49:00

He is trying to control you. He is not your concern anymore

RunningOutOfCharge Thu 30-Nov-17 09:49:27

Suicide threats not working? Ok, he'll up it a bit .... probably start to threaten to ' take the kids with me'

No contact. Stop ALL contact

Let him take you to court so it can be looked at. See if he carries these threats on with social services watching. It will also show you how serious he is about a relationship with his kids

JaneEyre70 Thu 30-Nov-17 09:49:41

He is emotionally blackmailing you. And you can't live your life dancing to his tune. You need to phone the Police each and every time he threatens it, and keep doing so until he gets the message that you're not caving in to his threats. I would also question his access to the children while he is so mentally unstable and I would contact Social Services about him. It sounds an appalling way to live for you and your children.

KiaOraAura Thu 30-Nov-17 09:49:52

I'd get the police involved to ask them to speak to him. He needs to stop harassing you in this way and they can help with that.

It may sound harsh but any choices he makes are his. He chose to control you for 12 years, if he chooses to take an overdose, that will also be his choice. By the way, the police can't section anyone but they can warn him about his behaviour towards you.

easterlemma Thu 30-Nov-17 09:49:53

I'm so sorry OP, it sounds like a really difficult situation. I think if I were in that scenario I'd be very clear about what I could and couldn't do for him. I cannot break up with a new partner (how would that help ex anyway?) but I could help him get support (you might not want to do this of course). I'd also be clear that I do not want him to harm himself, but that if he does it will not be because of my choices. He has choices too.

RunningOutOfCharge Thu 30-Nov-17 09:50:19

And yes, report every time.... create a paper trail

paap1975 Thu 30-Nov-17 09:50:38

Yes, police every time

SlowlyShrinking Thu 30-Nov-17 09:52:51

Yes report to the police. That’s all you can do. You need to be protected from him. And I wouldn’t want my children to be having contact with someone like this tbh so you need to be able to prove how he’s been behaving

springydaffs Thu 30-Nov-17 09:54:07

to kill themselves because of my choices

Just to point out he wouldn't be killing himself because of your choices, he would be killing himself to force control over you.

Agree to call police on 101 and ask for domestic abuse unit. Agree calling ambulance if suicide threatens to be imminent.

SlowlyShrinking Thu 30-Nov-17 09:54:19

I would be finding a way to stop contact with your children, definitely. It’s not worth the risk. And not good for them to have to be with someone so unstable.

pudding21 Thu 30-Nov-17 09:56:02

I'm no expert but he is obviously still trying to control you. My ex has implied this on one occasion and I told him I was sending the police over. He hasn't done it again. Its heartbreaking though but essentially its not your fault and whatever he chooses to do is his choice. If he says it again, send the police and send him the samartians number. If he continues with the kids, you will need to set up supervised visits and get an non molestation order. Keep all your messages and emails etc. Record him if he is ranting at you. I am sure someone else will be on soon with better or more advice.

One thing my aunt said to me who is a mental health nurse its usually the people that are silent about it that succeed in committing suicide, not the ones that talk about it all the time. he clearly needs help, do you have a family member of his you can talk to about it?

Finally, he won't kill himself because of your choices, he forced that by being emotionally abusive, not you. Is he known to the mental health services at all?

ohlittlepea Thu 30-Nov-17 09:56:33

This is absolute text book abusive controlling behaviour. Id cut your contact with him if you can if theres a friend or family member who can drop off n pick kids up for you. Also speak to your local domestic abuse service. they will be able to help you with managing the behaviour and keeping yourself abd the children safe.

BitOutOfPractice Thu 30-Nov-17 09:58:32

God what an utter nightmare for you

Yes to police. Every time. Cold and brisk with him if he pitches up. Call the police. Think about getting some sort of non-molestation order. Cut all contact.

I know that sounds simple and it's not. But he has to learn that you are in control of you and your relationships.

Good luck op thanks

springydaffs Thu 30-Nov-17 09:59:21

I wouldn't let the children go to him while he's making these threats. How to put this? He may take them with him..

Please be careful. Imo he is very high risk at the moment.

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