Ex is threatening to kill himself if I stay in new relationship

[NoPhelange]

Pretty much what the subject says. Me and ex split after 12 years and 2 children together in January. He moved out and abroad for work in August, returned 2 months later and is living between his mum's and sisters house. He had access to our children each weekend, and sometimes saw them after school through the week once or twice. I am in a new relationship now, have been since May. My new partner is known to him, however not a friend or related. Since he came back from working abroad, I have been subject to o constant harassment from my ex as to why I should leave him. Telling me rumours about him, who has slept with before with me and insinuating contact is ongoing - it isn't. It's all to cast doubt. It has gotten so bad that my partner near had a mental breakdown last week and we had to get away with the kids for a few days to his parents to get some distance.

I have blocked ex, but he always manages to find a way to make contact. When it became clear to him that I wasn't listening to his gossip, he started with death threats. Turned up to my house one night when partner was in work to say a final goodbye, with a car full of ibuprofen and paracetamol. I tried to get him help, he told me if I called an ambulance as soon as he got out he would kill himself in front of me.

Now the stress of this has very nearly split me and my partner up a few times, as his ex is also being a bit of a twat. I'm downplaying it to keep it brief, but to say it has been intense is an understatement.

Now my ex is saying he can no longer have access to the kids overnight as he can't bear to hear them telling him happy things of what we've all done together. And is now adamant that he will indeed kill himself this weekend if I choose to stay with my partner, as he can't bear to have him bringing up his kids. Even though he instigated the split, and left them to move abroad for what was going to be 2 years.

What the hell do I do here? How do I handle this? Obviously it'd break my heart for anyone to kill themselves because of my choices, but I also can't have him controlling my life anymore as he has done since we got together 12 years ago. He was very emotionally abusive, and is still doing his utmost to carry that on it seems.

Is there anything I can do? Any sort of cease and desist or injunction I can get assuming he won't go ahead with killing himself to stop the constant harassment about my partner? I don't wish harm on the man, but I don't wish to speak to him about matters that don't involve our children but he just can't help himself. I'm actually scared of him and his desperation.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated :(

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"I might give the police a call when I get home and ask for some advice. I've threatened him with a cease and desist a few days ago and he was begging me not to go down a legal route, I'm worried that will tip him over the edge but I can't keep letting him have that control can I?"

Try and step back a bit and examine what you've just said. He BEGGED you not to go down the legal route. Why? Because it makes it more difficult for him to control you. That's the only reason. It would start the paper trail that you can later use to keep him away from you. It would put him on the radar of the police and courts and social services. He'd rather they stayed unaware of him so that he can continue to browbeat you and your new partner. You need to do the opposite, you need to go down the legal route ASAP.

And then there's "I'm worried that will tip him over the edge".

• He's not on the edge
  
• You couldn't tip him over even if he were
  
• You being worried is what he is trying to achieve
  
• The fact that you're more worried about tipping him over than you are about your own wellbeing indicates he is still controlling you.
  

You regard him as messed up rather than bad. Honestly, it doesn't matter which he is. What matters is how his behaviour affects you and your children. And stopping his behaviour affecting you all.

[Grumpyfrog]

That poster said
I'm not sure but I think if you contact the police and tell them of his suicide threats, then they can section him.

She/he didn't mention health care teams
She/he didn't mention depending on where and what the ex is doing
She/he is wrong.

The police powers of detention under the MHA is very limited and with the new changes coming in this month even more so. Police cannot just section someone threatening suicide

[DontbouncelikeIdid]

I think Grumpyfrog is right, there are a lot of dangerous half truths on this thread. He can only be detained under the MHA if he is in public and is a danger to himself or others. He would then be taken to somewhere he could be assessed, and most likely released if he was found to not be suffering from a mental health problem that needed inpatient treatment.

I agree report the harassment to the police every time, but they can't wave a magic wand and have him sectioned to stop him being a nuisance.

[FlowerPot1234]

Grumpyfrog
She/he didn't mention health care teams
She/he didn't mention depending on where and what the ex is doing
She/he is wrong.

As I said ^They were not literally correct in so far as which party can do what, but their gist was right.*

Don't derail this Grumpy, let's help the OP.

OP - call the police now about the threat of suicide this weekend. If he is sitting outside your house threatening to do it now, call the police/ambulance. Let them guide you on what is then best to do or what may happen.

[Isetan]

You are being harassed and harassment is an offence and when you are the target of a crime you call the Police. You can not help him because he isn't looking for your help, he's looking to bully and manipulate you, and you don't give him permission.

You need to protect the mh of your children's primary caregiver and you can not do that if you insist on letting this man manipulate her. You aren't the reason why he is like this and why he target of his abuse. You need to understand that because it's a lesson you will have to teach your children if they were to become the next target of his terrible behaviour.

Detach, detach, detach.

[mummwest]

I had a very very similar situation with my ex, constant threats of suicide and being told it was my fault the kids would have no dad, it was absolutely awful, as well as the threats of suicide he would tell me about all these 'near misses' where he almost deliberately drove into a wall etc.

Eventually after around 6 months I sent him a message telling him I was totally detaching from him and his family were going to have to help him because I couldn't do it any more, it wasn't good for my health and I was trying to be strong for the kids and I wasn't able to do that while dealing with all of his threats etc

Strangely enough the night before I sent that message he ended up in a psychiatric hospital after a failed suicide attempt but I didn't find that out until after I had sent the message and my mind was made up at that point, tbh I don't know if it really was a suicide attempt or a crazy drug binge that got out of hand but that part is not important really, he had been seeking help prior to that, pretty much from day 1 after the split and all that was happening was he kept getting put on stronger tablets, he definitely wasn't helping himself either though as he was constantly drinking and doing drugs after the split and his friends who could see what a bad way he was in always insisted on taking him drinking.

It was absolutely awful dealing with him and you are enabling his behaviour by engaging with him. You are not responsible if he does anything to himself. When I detached from him my ex not no choice but to sort himself out because I wasn't paying attention to his threats any more.

When this was going on he was not allowed access to the children on his own, his behaviour was too erratic, he understood and agreed this with me so there was no issue at all, I made it clear to my childrens school that he couldn't collect the kids either.

One quick question though and i'm not in any way implying this is your fault by asking this, how soon after you started seeing the new man did he meet your children and is he around them much? In my experience your ex would still act like this anyway even if you didn't have a new partner but I do think this can contribute to making someone go completely out of control, i'm not blaming you here and please don't take offence, are you sure that you are safe and that your children are safe when they are with him?

[Kickassname]

I came on to say please don't let him have the children. He sounds a danger to himself and to others right now.

This is not regarding op's situation but to sentiments echoed by Hairgician and another pp - these comments are 100% not true unfortunately. There are so many myths around suicide. A suicidal person could do it any time, even after endless threats that come to nothing, even if you don't think they will, and sometimes there is fanfare and sometimes there isn't. Sometimes they DO go around telling people. Often they are trying to exhaust options - can things get better - before they conclude that it really is the only way out. Just because they have several failed attempts it doesn't mean that one day there won't be a successful one either. It so wrong to assume that. Suicide is not black and white like everyone thinks. That is dangerous info for anyone else out there reading, that's the only reason I am saying this, okay. (I mean this as politely as possible, I hope that comes across.)

Op regarding your own situation with your ex, this is NOT your problem. He needs professional help for that. You need to keep yourself and your children safe, that is your priority. If he did indeed get sectioned by some route, he will have a hospital stay and be evaluated, and this could possibly lead to seeing a psychiatrist or counsellor for ongoing treatment once discharged. This could do him good. Things are still fairly recent in terms of the separation and processing the new arrangements. He needs time to come to terms with it but he needs to do it away from you and with professionals. You're not responsible for him or his actions. You're not responsible for any of this. Keep repeating that to yourself.

You are free to live your life without him manipulating you this way. Take action now and put a stop to his controlling behaviour. He is using his mental health issues to abuse and manipulate you, this is wrong regardless of whatever suicidal intentions there may be. You can not keep burdening yourself with this, or it will affect your MH too.

[OurMiracle1106]

He is being emotionally abusive. His attempts to spilt you up didn’t work so now he’s now threatening suicide.

I would phone the police and his next of kin to let them know his plans and then allow them to take necessary steps.

[namechange2222]

The advise I was given by the police in a similar situation was to tell him just one time that if he threatened to harm himself or anyone else, even hinted at it, that you will call the emergency services ( police and ambulance if necessary)
Then don't even once enter into conversation with him with regards to his threat. Each and every time, call 999. So if he starts saying , e.g., I'm going to kill myself this weekend, you pick up the phone and call the police, don't even think about it, don't discuss
I'd agree with other posters too that I 100% would not allow my children to be with someone who was threatening to kill themselves

[MummyMummyMummyyyy]

"it'd break my heart for anyone to kill themselves because of my choices,"

This stuck out from your post, to me. Anything he does is HIS choice, not yours. He is not your responsibility and he is obviously desperate to control you.

Your children are not safe with this man, who knows what he could do? I can only echo what others have said about contacting the police. Stay strong, I am furious on your behalf... how dare he put you through this?

[MycatsaPirate]

My ex did this. He trashed my house, I fled with the kids, called the police. When they turned up they found a note saying he would kill himself.

They had the fucking police helicopter out looking for him, eventually arrested him and charged him with something (can't remember what exactly).

This is what people do when they can't get their own way. They threaten to kill themselves. When that doesn't work they start threatening you. My ex also did that and has a conviction for the death threats he made to me.

Do not answer the door to him. Do not answer calls from him. Let him text you and have the evidence in black and white.

See a solicitor about getting a non molestation order. See a solicitor about stopping contact unless it's in a contact centre. Phone the police and tell them that you fear for the safety of you and your children and it's harassment that is progressing quickly. He is a bully and he is trying to guilt trip you into doing what he wants.

Do not let your kids go with him. Please. There are far too many stories of men (and occasionally women) who will take the lives of their kids as they know it is the one thing they can use to get back at the ex. I don't want to scare you but please, do not take any chances.

[Iamok0303]

This is manipulation on a very grand scale. Report this to the police every single time and stop him dictating your life. It’s your life.

[OnTheRise]

He's being abusive and controlling.

Every time he threatens to kill himself, call the police or an ambulance and let them deal with it.

Stop engaging with him. Only speak to him about contact arrangements for your children. I would consider insisting that he only has contact with them under supervision, because of his suicide ideation--he might not mean his threats but if he does, your children might be at risk if he's talking to them about it, or even considering involving them in his plans.

[NoPhelange]

Okay, I've just go off the phone with the police. The officer is going to speak to his sergeant and get back to me with what action they think they should take next. I'm just worried now it's just going to be a case of sit back, keep reporting. I'm also worried if they go and speak to him that it will cause him to either carry out his threats or at least ramp them up a bit. Does anybody know the likely route this will take now?

Why do they do this :( it never had to be like this, even to this day I would like him to just move on and remain civil for our children's sake but I know that ship has sailed. Thank you all for your advice so far

[Butterymuffin]

how do I tell my children their dads dead because he hated mummies new partner who they also have grown to love?

If it should come to this, you tell them their dad died because he was (mentally) ill and unfortunately didn't get help for his illness. Not your fault, not your partner's fault.

[Gemini69]

you are doing the right thing by your Children... you cannot send your Children to see their father when he is threatening Suicide..

relax and let the Police assess the situation and take things from there

[SissySpacekAteMyHamster]

Wait and see what plan of action the police come up with. Don't try and second guess him.

Just follow advice from the police.

He is not your responsibility. He is a grown man who made his own choices in life.

[MikeUniformMike]

My thoughts are with you OP. Glad you have contacted the police.
Keep yourself and your children safe.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Put all those questions down on paper and ask them when the police call back.
Write all your questions down so you don't forget them.
Leave a space underneath each and make notes when they answer them.
Well done phoning the police.
You could not keep allowing him to bully you like that.

[mummwest]

NoPhelange, did they say they would have to report this to social services?

Also please don't think that your life will always be like this, despite all of the chaos and intense drama and stress from my ex dealing with all these threats and abuse etc. we actually came out of it the other side getting along great which is wonderful for the kids.

Everyone always tells me how wonderful it is how well we get on, it's so strange, like a modern family type thing.

[RebootYourEngine]

If this was me i would just ignore him. Cut all contact. If he wants to see the children he needs to stop with the threats. Until then have nothing to do with him.

If he does kill himself oh well, it is no ones doing but his own. You have done more than enough already to get him help.

[Hissy]

Now my ex is saying he can no longer have access to the kids overnight as he can't bear to hear them telling him happy things of what we've all done together.

Good. Cos hes a crap parent, a shit human being and the kids won't benefit from having someone so nasty in their airspace.

Stop reacting to him. Don't let the kids go there while he's like this as there is a remote chance that they could be at risk from him

Disengage totally and carry on with your life.

If by some miracle you hear that he's making threats to kill himself, report to the police every time. don't contact him in any way.

You do NOT need to have the police report back to you about him, only what they will do/recommend to protect yourself and your kids. Your ex is not your problem any more

[saladdays66]

Oh what a bastard he is. I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad

Stop all contact. Inform police every time he harrasses you. Keep a log. Don't let him get away with it!

He's never going to kill himself, the selfish fucker.

[AlternativeTentacle]

They do it because it gets your attention.

[bibliomania]

Well done for going to the police and I echo mummwest, your life won't always be like this. The drama does die down sooner or later.