Ex is threatening to kill himself if I stay in new relationship

[NoPhelange]

Pretty much what the subject says. Me and ex split after 12 years and 2 children together in January. He moved out and abroad for work in August, returned 2 months later and is living between his mum's and sisters house. He had access to our children each weekend, and sometimes saw them after school through the week once or twice. I am in a new relationship now, have been since May. My new partner is known to him, however not a friend or related. Since he came back from working abroad, I have been subject to o constant harassment from my ex as to why I should leave him. Telling me rumours about him, who has slept with before with me and insinuating contact is ongoing - it isn't. It's all to cast doubt. It has gotten so bad that my partner near had a mental breakdown last week and we had to get away with the kids for a few days to his parents to get some distance.

I have blocked ex, but he always manages to find a way to make contact. When it became clear to him that I wasn't listening to his gossip, he started with death threats. Turned up to my house one night when partner was in work to say a final goodbye, with a car full of ibuprofen and paracetamol. I tried to get him help, he told me if I called an ambulance as soon as he got out he would kill himself in front of me.

Now the stress of this has very nearly split me and my partner up a few times, as his ex is also being a bit of a twat. I'm downplaying it to keep it brief, but to say it has been intense is an understatement.

Now my ex is saying he can no longer have access to the kids overnight as he can't bear to hear them telling him happy things of what we've all done together. And is now adamant that he will indeed kill himself this weekend if I choose to stay with my partner, as he can't bear to have him bringing up his kids. Even though he instigated the split, and left them to move abroad for what was going to be 2 years.

What the hell do I do here? How do I handle this? Obviously it'd break my heart for anyone to kill themselves because of my choices, but I also can't have him controlling my life anymore as he has done since we got together 12 years ago. He was very emotionally abusive, and is still doing his utmost to carry that on it seems.

Is there anything I can do? Any sort of cease and desist or injunction I can get assuming he won't go ahead with killing himself to stop the constant harassment about my partner? I don't wish harm on the man, but I don't wish to speak to him about matters that don't involve our children but he just can't help himself. I'm actually scared of him and his desperation.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated :(

[SingingSeuss]

I hope he has now stopped and you can get back to normal

[LittleMyLikesSnuffkin]

Keep going to the police every single time he threatens this. They will do a welfare check. If they think he’s at risk of anything (has taken pills for example) they will take him to hospital. They will do this every single time. It’s down to the hospital staff to decide what happens next really. They will all get fed up if he keeps behaving this way but that’s not your fault or your problem.

He is doing this to control you. He is being abusive. He is even using the children as a weapon (cutting contact with them to make a point). My ex must have gone to the same abusive bastard classes as yours. This is how he behaves when things don’t go his way.

[ReanimatedSGB]

I don't wish to be unkind to those who have lost someone to suicide, and I appreciate that even if the person you lost was an abusive dickhead while alive, your feelings afterwards are going to be a bit... complicated.
But it's a pity more of these vicious, manipulative, dangerous arseholes don't actually just go off and do the job on themselves, without making a mess, really. If you're dealing with one, the main thing is to make sure he's never alone with the DC and has as little contact with them as possible. Too many abusive men who have threatened the Grand Gesture seem to be quite good at harming the DC and making some token effort at hurting themselves. So, if your XP was abusive and is now threatening suicide, tell the fucker to get on with it and don't let him anywhere near the kids.

[Desmondo2016]

@ReanimatedSGB I'm a little in love with you

[Inertia]

Relieved to see that the police have taken this seriously. There have been several desperately sad cases where men have killed themselves and their children as an act of revenge on their wives, so you are certainly not over-reacting to take steps to protect your family and yourself.

[Lovemusic33]

I agree with you Rean, suicide is a horrible thing but these dickheads are using it as a way to manipulate people to get what they want, maybe if they actually followed through the world would be a better place.

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

NoP. I am so sorry to hear about your Dad 💐

I’m glad the Police have taken this seriously & acted quickly.

IF, in the HIGHLY, unlikely situation your ExManipulativeDickhead does take his own life, it will NOT be your fault. He is responsible for his actions, previously & now.

There are books etc out there on how to explain it to children so they understand that person was unwell and it’s no one else’s fault.

However, it’s MUCH more likely you’ll need to focus on explaining that he’s not well at the moment & ensuring any contact is supervised by some you trust. Someone who won’t think they can just pretend to supervise. Hopefully there will be space at a contact centre IF the children want to see him & IF he wants to see them.

You and your new partner have it tough with both ex’s causing problems, but hopefully you can love each other & support each other to get through all of this 🌷

I’m sorry JuneJean that your husband took his own life, but that is very rare in situations like this. I’m sorry that you’re upset by people saying it’s unlikely, but the fact is, that it is. Either way, people cannot allow others to control them using this threat. Big hugs for you & your kids x

[WateryBintDistributingSwords]

junejean Sorry for your loss but if someone is going to commit suicide if you don't bow to their every whim, then there's nothing you can do about it. Slavery was abolished in the UK a long time ago.

[Whirliegigspider]

so glad police have been good

[Hissy]

junejean I’m sorry for what you and your children have been put through. That was a last act of cruelty that you and your family didn’t deserve.

When it comes to abusers, pretty much all of them threaten to kill themselves or manipulate their victims by using the reference of their death as a means to their own ends

Very nearly all of them don’t, it is merely a tool to them getting what they want at the expense of everyone around them.

Even my ex used the “kill myself” line and he is the most self absorbed, in love with himself, sun revolves around him twat you’ll ever meet.

The world wouldn’t miss him.

[corythatwas]

Well done, OP, and well done, OP's police force. The next step is to absolutely ensure this man is not able to get at your children at any time. He is going to ramp up his attempts to punish you and, sadly, they are the obvious target. Make sure Social Services know about it, make sure their school (if old enough) or childcare know about it.

[NoPhelange]

Well he ramped it up last night, actually told me that he had taken the pills, was getting drowsy etc. All because he asked to see the kids and I dropped them off at my mums to see. My and my partner sat in the car outside whilst he sat in his gesturing for me, beeping at me and flashing his lights before eventually driving off. Then messaging to ask wtf, and that he was coming back so we left again and he came back. Had the nerve to message me asking if he could have them overnight. Eventually he left, we collected the kids, had a lovely night doing the decorations and then he messages to say that he's done it basically. Called police straight away, they took details, asked for his number and network and managed to track him down really quickly and he was absolutely fine. They called me when we was with them, got some details and then said they were with him and he was ok. They took him back to his sister's and put safeguarding in place with her, and then he messaged me again to say he was back in the road and intent again so I called his sister... He was there with her.

Apparently I told the police he had a knife causing him to be dragged from his car and searched.. I never said that, crazy.

He's messaged this morning full of remorse, he's going to get help, hopes I can be a friend to help him through this. Absolutely delusional.

I have the officer in charge of the case coming out on Tuesday for a statement, I have to email him a brief statement and screenshots before Tuesday when he's back on duty.

What on earth do I say to or ask of social services should I call them regarding access?

[ptumbi]

What do you say to SS?

He's unstable. Prone to grand gestures, and possibly suicidal. A danger to himself and others.

He needs help.

What he doesn't need right now is to be in charge of minors. Supervised access, maybe. Unsupervised? no way.

[AdoraBell]

The yo yo act, aggressive/sorrow/threatening/asking you to be a friend is all part of the abuse. It makes you doubt that he’s all that bad after all

And yes, he really is that bad. Don’t let him reel you in. Just keep reporting him. Don’t call his sister again to check up, that feeds into his need for attention and control. Next time he tells you he’s done somthing, ring the police. Every time. And when they call back to say he’s fine just give them a noncommittal “okay” and something like “his sister/mother is the one who will be interested”

I’m glad you had a nice time putting the decorations up, well done.

[JaneEyre70]

I'd really get SS on side too now, he's highly unpredictable now and clearly hasn't taken any notice of the Police at all. You have to keep your children safe and supervised access is the only way from now on. I'm so sorry you're going through all this .

[bringbacksideburns]

You tell SS contact has to be supervised in a centre from now on until he can prove he's stable and has moved on. Which by the sounds of it may take some time.
There is no way on God's earth I would be letting him take them and sister isn't safeguarding enough.
I'd also block his number now so he can't emotionally blackmail you any more.
Any contact is purely about kids and no longer comes directly from him. A member of his family can be informed instead.You really need to stop him contacting you from now on.

He really will ramp it up big style now as it's coming up to Christmas so protect yourself and be prepared.
Get Children's services to help him with supervised access dates then you have no need for contact with him or his family.
And if you get the chance to go somewhere else over Christmas then do so in case he turns up on your doorstep.
If he does turn up ring Police.

[Gemini69]

You MUST have Social Services involved in supporting the best interests of your Children... they will provide you with the necessary support and safeguarding of your Children ...

Lady you must not allow your Children to be alone with their Father...

[ReanimatedSGB]

Block all contact from this man. Don't answer the phone, don't reply to texts or emails; call the police if he appears or bangs on the door. Ignore, ignore, ignore, basically. Now all the authorities (police, SS etc) know that he is harassing and abusing you and you want no contact (and willl not permit contact with DC) you can just let him get on with making a knob of himself - and, with any like, he might actually manage to take enough of an overdose to get himself out of your hair in time for Christmas.

[Lovemusic33]

You need to block him so he can’t call or text. Next time he messages tell him you are blocking him and tell him to leave you alone. This is harassement and if he keeps on you can have him arrested.

He obviously isn’t going to kill himself, he’s just hoping you will believe him, yes he’s in a shit place mentally but that’s not your problem.

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

So what is the polices’ next step now that he has completely ignored their orders to leave you alone?

[BrokenBattleDroid]

Just remember this IS domestic abuse and you are his victim. It's not up to the victim to help the abuser through it.

That's not to say he's not in a place of mental anguish, but you are of no help to him. Keep yourself and your new relationship safe - that's the best thing you can do for yourself and your kids.

[Oldraver]

Now you have the cease and desist you have to do your part and go no contact with him. It's no good running to the police then communicating with him

[AlexaAmbidextra]

You need to inform the police each time he breaches the order.

[Maelstrop]

Why haven't you blocked his number? I thought you had gone silent on him and dropping off kids via a relative? You shouldn't be allowing him to contact you.

[Protectingmydaughterfromfilth]

Forgive my naivety but I'm not sure why SS need to be involved? Why is your parenting being brought into question? Once SS are involved you'll never be free of them. How unfair on you OP x