Ex is threatening to kill himself if I stay in new relationship

[NoPhelange]

Pretty much what the subject says. Me and ex split after 12 years and 2 children together in January. He moved out and abroad for work in August, returned 2 months later and is living between his mum's and sisters house. He had access to our children each weekend, and sometimes saw them after school through the week once or twice. I am in a new relationship now, have been since May. My new partner is known to him, however not a friend or related. Since he came back from working abroad, I have been subject to o constant harassment from my ex as to why I should leave him. Telling me rumours about him, who has slept with before with me and insinuating contact is ongoing - it isn't. It's all to cast doubt. It has gotten so bad that my partner near had a mental breakdown last week and we had to get away with the kids for a few days to his parents to get some distance.

I have blocked ex, but he always manages to find a way to make contact. When it became clear to him that I wasn't listening to his gossip, he started with death threats. Turned up to my house one night when partner was in work to say a final goodbye, with a car full of ibuprofen and paracetamol. I tried to get him help, he told me if I called an ambulance as soon as he got out he would kill himself in front of me.

Now the stress of this has very nearly split me and my partner up a few times, as his ex is also being a bit of a twat. I'm downplaying it to keep it brief, but to say it has been intense is an understatement.

Now my ex is saying he can no longer have access to the kids overnight as he can't bear to hear them telling him happy things of what we've all done together. And is now adamant that he will indeed kill himself this weekend if I choose to stay with my partner, as he can't bear to have him bringing up his kids. Even though he instigated the split, and left them to move abroad for what was going to be 2 years.

What the hell do I do here? How do I handle this? Obviously it'd break my heart for anyone to kill themselves because of my choices, but I also can't have him controlling my life anymore as he has done since we got together 12 years ago. He was very emotionally abusive, and is still doing his utmost to carry that on it seems.

Is there anything I can do? Any sort of cease and desist or injunction I can get assuming he won't go ahead with killing himself to stop the constant harassment about my partner? I don't wish harm on the man, but I don't wish to speak to him about matters that don't involve our children but he just can't help himself. I'm actually scared of him and his desperation.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated :(

[NoPhelange]

I'm wondering if he's caught wind now. They contacted me over an hour ago to say had tried his mum's but no answer even though I'd told them he's in work til 7. So they asked where he worked... And now I've had 3 missed calls from him in 5 minutes. So they've either gone to his work, or they've visited his mum's now she's home from work she's let him know.

Still waiting for the police to come to me though, apparently next available patrol will pick it up as it's a priority call so just got to sit tight and wait! Will update again once they've been and gone.

And indeed it is a fantastic response from the police, it has sort of cemented in my head how serious it was when I was doubting myself.

[FlowerPot1234]

And now I've had 3 missed calls from him in 5 minutes

Are there now any restrictions on him phoning you like this?

[tribpot]

I guess we don't know that he's actually be served the cease and desist, Flowerpot (in fact he probably hasn't if he's in work til 7).

However, I would probably install a Call Blocker on your phone, OP, preferably something like Extreme Call Blocker as I think you can set that not to ring or allow access to voicemail, but it will log every call so that you have a record. (I think I'm remembering that correctly, but in any case something like that is what I'd want if I were you - you must not speak to him or have him upset you with repeated calls, but simply blocking him won't create any useful evidence).

[CharisMama]

Knob. Tell him to do what he feels he has to do. He'll out live you I bet.

[yetmorecrap]

He is doing it to upset you and destabilise your life . In my limited experience the majority of people who actually do go ahead with something as awful as this are rarely the ones who are always threatening it.

[junejean]

Hi op. You have got some great advice here but please remember that this is not RL. My husband died from suicide two years ago on the day I moved out of our home. He had threatened to do it and that’s exactly what he did. He had no history of any mental health issues. He is not your responsibility and you have done all the right things. To the posters who say that people who threaten suicide don’t usually complete the act could you please back this up with evidence or is it just something you heard someone else say before. It makes me so mad to here these flippant comments believe me, me and my 3 children could tell you different

[tiptopteepe]

Well done Op you have done exactly the right thing. Well done for being strong and protecting yourself and your children.
Best outcome, this will be a wake up call to your ex and he will make some steps to sort himself out. Maybe it wont but hes not your responsibility, your children are and they will be badly affected by being around an adult who is acting like this in their lives. If he is serious about harming himself then now the relevant authorities know about this and he can be kept an eye on if needs be and offerred appropriate help.

[Winebottle]

Well done the police.

My mother threatened me with this once and I ignored it. It is such a blatant manipulative technique that I feel as soon as you engage in dialogue, they win.

I agree with others that it is the quiet ones you want to watch out for more but it wouldn't be unheard of for him to follow through on it.

Whilst it would be incredibly difficult for you and your kids, I wouldn't put it in the "I could never forgive myself" category. He is alone responsible for his actions. You can't live in fear of it.

[Desmondo2016]

Junejean I'm obviously sorry to hear about your husband but it is true and I do have personal experience to back it up. As a police officer for many years I have heard hundredss of people threaten it or tell me that their ex partners have threatened it and I cannot think of a single occasion where they carried out. You are MASSIVELY and tragically in the minority but please accept it is a very very common threat often used as a control tactic .

[Angelf1sh]

I’ve only read your original post so excuse me if things have moved on since then. If he wants to kill himself, that’s his decision and it’s nothibg to do with you. Don’t let your kids near him, he’s clearly a risk to them. Contact the police if he comes near you again.

[AdoraBell]

I’m so glad the police responded as they did. Well done for going to them.

[macnab]

junejean I’m so sorry for what you and your children have gone through

I’m also sorry for the OP. My father was emotionally abusive to my mum and for the first 30 years of my life I witnessed him threatening and “attempting “ (poorly) suicide all in a bid to keep her under his control. My earliest memory is when I was 4 years old.
She finally snapped and left him, fully expecting him to finish the deed. That was almost 15 years ago and he’s still large as life
The fact is, a lot of abusive partners use the threat of suicide to control their partners and very few carry out their threats.
I wish you well OP

[EndofSummer]

I’d second the not letting kids go to him. Police involved now and social services. Speak to domestic abuse services. Take his level of threat and intrusion seriously in that you need to protect your family including your bf.

Totally ignore any contact until you have spoken to all professionals and have a plan. Because he is so familiar to you, you are not seeing how dangerous and controlling this is.

If he wants to commit suicide, then he will. You will not stop him. If he threatens to by text or at your house call the police. Do not talk to him at all. If attempts get your attention, then he’ll keep attempting. In fact he’ll most likely up the threats and action as you back off. Until he gets you to respond.

Protect your families future.

[Gingernaut]

Block his number.

Block all witheld numbers.

Block his mum's number.

Report all attempts to contact you.

[GeekyWombat]

So pleased to read your updates OP, I’m glad the police are taking this seriously.

[Lovemusic33]

OP I have been in your shoes, my ex threatened suicide many times to make me stay with him or feel sorry for him, I had to call the police several times, the first time I actually thought he had killed himself ( he hadn’t ), 2nd time I had kicked him out, he told me by text that he had taken 6 packs of pills, I knew he hadn’t as the pill packets he took with him were empty, when the police eventually found him ( they were quite quick tbh ) they took him straight to hospital to have his stomach pumped. I then got him arrested for harassment and he was found guilty in court the next day. His mental health was assessed and he was found to have no issues. An injunction was given to him and he’s no longer allowed near me.

Each time he messaged me I reported him to the police, each suicide threat was reported to the police but they started to take it less seriously and basically told him to ‘grow up’.

I blocked all his numbers, emails and wahatsapp so he could not contact me.

The police take these things very seriously.

[Hannah1x]

Haven't finished reading all of the comments yet but couldn't believe the sheer nerve of what he's saying, just a month after your dad passed away. What a selfish, insensitive and twisted thing to do

I'm really sorry for your loss by the way

I have an abusive ex who used to threaten suicide, not once did he actually make any attempt to follow through with it. Its all control.

I definitely agree with what everybody else has said about the police. He will soon get tired of having to explain to them that he's not going to hurt himself. He will look a total prat x

[ReanimatedSGB]

Wankers like this never do follow through. Unfortunately. It's a pity more abusive men don't just kill themselves and get out of their victims' way. (This is not to make light of depression or mental illness - I have plenty of sympathy for those who suffer MH issues, but none for controlling drama llamas like OP's X)

But I agree with PP, report him, keep DC away from him and block him as much as possible. Refusing to react or engage with him might make him get bored and fuck off, eventually.

[newdaylight]

@junejean
I'm sorry to hear of your experience but as someone who has worked with a lot of women experiencing domestic abuse, threatening suicide as a means of control is a very established tactic and in the vast majority of cases it does not result in suicide. They aren't flippant comments. That's not to discount the fact that sometimes it does happen, of course.

[mummwest]

JuneJean, I don't have any statistics but I know from my ex it was constant talk of suicide and what he described as failed attempts and I put up with it so long when everyone around me said look if he really wanted to do it he would, no one has that many failed attempts.
It is in my experience therefore and in talking to others who had similar experiences that those who threaten repeatedly to do it as a result of something like a break up, to the ex (not to family and friends) seem to do it with the intention of getting attention and trying to force their ex to rethink their decisions.

The OP's ex said if he called an ambulance he'd kill himself in front of her, I had the exact same with my ex who one day tried to kick my front door in and told me he wanted to kill himself in front of me.

[pudding21]

JuneJean: There is research to show that people with BPD and suicide threats are successful in 10% of cases, and could be as low as 4%. I am not suggesting OPs ex has BPD, he may be depressed and depression has a high risk factor to attempts to success. I think its important that he gets assessed by the proper means.. Suicide risk does indeed increase with previous attempts and is the biggest indicator of risk.

www.psychiatrictimes.com/articles/managing-suicidality-patients-borderline-personality-disorder

patient.info/doctor/suicide-risk-assessment-and-threats-of-suicide


So of course it is possible he will succeed, and it should be taken seriously and assessed by people that deal with it day in day out in real life. But its also very likely he is doing it to control and pull the strings of the OP. Sorry to hear what you and your family went through JuneJean. My uncle killed himself in a very calculated and pre planned way after my auntie left him (he stockpiled morphine for years). He was a sex addict, bullying, cheating, controlling ass. Both were mental health nurses, and he left 2 young sons. He recorded his death, and blamed everyone else. No-one suspected he would kill himself so I have some insight to what your family must have been through. I hope you are all healing now.

Op: you have done the right thing getting services involved, I think the thing to remember is you didn't cause this, and you cannot control it either. I hope he gets the help he needs as regardless he has disorded thinking.

[Lovemusic33]

mum you are right. My ex did it through desperation and to get attention and his own way, if he wanted to actually kill himself he would have done it. I got to the point where I wished he would just do it because it was so mentally exhausting guessing where he was and wether he had harmed himself but knowing deep down that he wouldn’t follow through, I began to hate him for what he was doing to me. The last time he did it I told him to go ahead and that I wanted nothing to do with him, I told him not to contact me, I called the police and let them deal with it.

[BiglyBadgers]

We can't say whether the ops ex will follow through or not, we do not know what is going on for him or what his state of mind really is. What I am sure of is that by contacting the authorities she has increased the chances of him getting the professional help and support he needs, while also protecting herself and her family.

OP you have absolutely done the best thing for everyone involved in this horrible situation. It may not seem like it to your ex right now, but you have acted in his best interests as well as those of yourself and your children. Keep doing what you are doing.

[namechange2222]

JuneJean: There is research to show that people with BPD and suicide threats are successful in 10% of cases, and could be as low as 4%. I am not suggesting OPs ex has BPD, he may be depressed and depression has a high risk factor to attempts to success. I think its important that he gets assessed by the proper means.. Suicide risk does indeed increase with previous attempts and is the biggest indicator of risk.
This, just what I was thinking

[Gemini69]

how are you doing OP... you and the kids are all okay I hope