Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex is threatening to kill himself if I stay in new relationship

172 replies

NoPhelange · 30/11/2017 09:37

Pretty much what the subject says. Me and ex split after 12 years and 2 children together in January. He moved out and abroad for work in August, returned 2 months later and is living between his mum's and sisters house. He had access to our children each weekend, and sometimes saw them after school through the week once or twice. I am in a new relationship now, have been since May. My new partner is known to him, however not a friend or related. Since he came back from working abroad, I have been subject to o constant harassment from my ex as to why I should leave him. Telling me rumours about him, who has slept with before with me and insinuating contact is ongoing - it isn't. It's all to cast doubt. It has gotten so bad that my partner near had a mental breakdown last week and we had to get away with the kids for a few days to his parents to get some distance.

I have blocked ex, but he always manages to find a way to make contact. When it became clear to him that I wasn't listening to his gossip, he started with death threats. Turned up to my house one night when partner was in work to say a final goodbye, with a car full of ibuprofen and paracetamol. I tried to get him help, he told me if I called an ambulance as soon as he got out he would kill himself in front of me.

Now the stress of this has very nearly split me and my partner up a few times, as his ex is also being a bit of a twat. I'm downplaying it to keep it brief, but to say it has been intense is an understatement.

Now my ex is saying he can no longer have access to the kids overnight as he can't bear to hear them telling him happy things of what we've all done together. And is now adamant that he will indeed kill himself this weekend if I choose to stay with my partner, as he can't bear to have him bringing up his kids. Even though he instigated the split, and left them to move abroad for what was going to be 2 years.

What the hell do I do here? How do I handle this? Obviously it'd break my heart for anyone to kill themselves because of my choices, but I also can't have him controlling my life anymore as he has done since we got together 12 years ago. He was very emotionally abusive, and is still doing his utmost to carry that on it seems.

Is there anything I can do? Any sort of cease and desist or injunction I can get assuming he won't go ahead with killing himself to stop the constant harassment about my partner? I don't wish harm on the man, but I don't wish to speak to him about matters that don't involve our children but he just can't help himself. I'm actually scared of him and his desperation.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated :(

OP posts:
Justbreathing · 30/11/2017 14:40

i would 100% never let him near my children

Mix56 · 30/11/2017 15:06

I would also tell his family this is going on.(Are married to him ?)

Original poster
NoPhelange · 30/11/2017 15:51

Well this has escalated quickly! The police have taken it really seriously to my surprise. They've already visited his mum's address to serve him with a cease and desist, any communication made with me by him is classed as a breach of a malcommunication order they're serving, he can't enter this region with the intent of contacting me as it goes against that order too and they will issue a warrant if he contacts me or visits the house again. Wow. I am waiting for officers from the domestic violence unit to come and visit me and my partner to see his messages, I've had to ship the children off to my mums.

I am terrified, but so so relieved he can no longer harass me or threaten me with his death. Who knows what he will do next, but you're all right, it's his choice and no longer my concern, I will pick you the pieces regardless.

Someone asked earlier if they've told me to contact social services, they did, after I asked if he can contact me regarding the children and access and I was told no he can't I'll have to go through another person or agency now to sort that. No contact with him at all, I'm to evidence everything straight away.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/11/2017 15:52

Great result. Full marks to the police there.

Butterymuffin · 30/11/2017 15:56

That's a huge relief. I hope that this shows lessons learned from all the terrible cases of family annihilation.

NameChanger22 · 30/11/2017 15:59

Refer him to adult social services and distance yourself emotionally as much as you can. He's an emotional blackmailer. I've met a few in my time.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 30/11/2017 16:02

And remember, whenever anyone tries to tell you otherwise, he CANNOT CONTACT you as SS are now involved. They call the shots now and you cannot do anything they say not to.

That may well be laying it on a bit thick but it is true and you can wholly rely on mist people understanding why you won't allow him any contact at all. Basically you know have a "get out of feeling guilty card" Just remember to play it whenever you feel a bit vulnerable or pressured.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/11/2017 16:02

Thank goodness they took it seriously.
Just goes to show how bad it was for that quick reaction.
They do do things properly sometime.
I just wish all DV victims had this support.
Well done.
And inform the police every time he breaches the order (or what ever it might be called!)

AnnaleeP · 30/11/2017 16:02

Well done and that really is a great response from the police.

I hope you feel less stressed and anxious.

FlowerPot1234 · 30/11/2017 16:05

Well done OP, and glad to see the police response.

Do not hesitate to contact them again if he breaches the order, or makes any threat to himself or others.

Natsku · 30/11/2017 16:07

Fantastic result, glad the police are being so pro-active.

NurseButtercup · 30/11/2017 16:09

I haven't read the whole thread - so not seen any updates.

I'm really angry on your behalf, that he's doing this to you. Block contact with him immediately and let his mom and sister know he's treatening to kill himself. You said he's living with them?

Listen/watch how they react.

If they do the eyeball rolling - find your anger if they're not worried then neither should you.

Contact - if he doesn't want contact with his kids then tell him fuck off. If he does, will his mom and sister help with contact? You don't need to be involved if they are around.

It's time for you to forget about him and move on with your life. Don't give him any power to ruin your current relationship.

I'm speaking from experience of an ex who did this and worse to me. I stopped caring when I finally spoke to his sister and she laughed and told me to ignore his amateur dramatics. I felt so foolish for worrying about him.

Good luck.

Figgygal · 30/11/2017 16:09

Well done you
Have you spoken with the sister and his mum at all?

NurseButtercup · 30/11/2017 16:11

Aaahhhh just seen your update - excellent news!!

SlowlyShrinking · 30/11/2017 16:15

That’s a relief op. Hopefully this will be enough to make him realise he can’t gain anything from harassing you

Choccywoccydoo10 · 30/11/2017 16:22

Classic abuser technique. Threatening suicide. I was in a refuge. I did a course on this. He's doing it to split you and your partner up and to gain control! Like PP call police/ambulance every time and don't engage in conversation with him about it. He will soon stop doing it

letsdolunch321 · 30/11/2017 16:28

Great news.

What a wankstain thinking he could get one over on you - TWAT

happypoobum · 30/11/2017 16:30

Really glad there is a positive outcome here. Agree with hellsbells it isn't always like this. My XH kicked the living shit out of me, the two (female) police officers who took him away insisted on bringing him back to the house and told me not to ring the police again if I had an "argument" with my husband Angry

I would not recommend contacting anyone in his family. They are likely to take his side and if they want to contact you they will. I wouldn't let them have any unsupervised contact with DC in case ex is waiting round the corner. He sounds dangerous.

I am so sorry you are going through this Flowers

Whinesalot · 30/11/2017 16:31

I bet that's a weight off your shoulders, although it will take a while to get used to the new status quo.

MycatsaPirate · 30/11/2017 16:41

That is a great result! Hats off to the police for acting so quickly.

Gemini69 · 30/11/2017 16:43

Now my ex is saying he can no longer have access to the kids overnight as he can't bear to hear them telling him happy things of what we've all done together. And is now adamant that he will indeed kill himself this weekend if I choose to stay with my partner, as he can't bear to have him bringing up his kids

This is a Red Flag ... he would be considered a danger to your kids by this statement alone... if he doesn't want another man to bring up his kids.. in his frame of mind right now... what would he do to them to prevent that...

You have absolutely done the right thing Lady Flowers

GottadoitGottadoit · 30/11/2017 16:43

Fantastic!

AlternativeTentacle · 30/11/2017 16:44

Well done and well done to the police.

madwoman1ntheatt1c · 30/11/2017 16:46

That's brilliant. That's the exact scenario my friend has now found herself in after three years of threatening to kill herself if her ex won't take her back. Literally to the letter. She's under a no contact order.

We had a year and a half of calling the police to do a welfare check every single time she claimed she was going to kill herself (including a few times they had to track her by her cell phone as she had taken off in the car) first, but eventually it got to legal order as she wouldn't stop harassing him. (The dd lives with him due to mum's mental health. She is older so voluntarily NC with mum - she tries every so often but mum can't deal with the pressure and always end up with us calling the police again and them taking her off to hospital).

So pleased for you. I actually took advice from our local mental health team as to the best way to react when she was threatening suicide, and their absolute concrete advice was just to call the police, every time, and they would carry out a welfare check and take her to the hospital if necessary. She has actually improved slightly now with the threats - she will quite often start, and I will ask her if I need to call in a welfare check, and she backs down and says 'no, no, I'll be ok'. It's all about control. I spent at least two years convinced I was the only one that could keep her alive and that I would somehow have failed if she did kill herself, but having taken a lot of advice from MH professionals I'm able to separate being sad if that is the route she chooses to take, from any sense of responsibility or guilt.

Mental health issues are hard. Someone sensible on here told me not to set fire to myself to keep someone else warm. I try to remember that. Nothing you do can fix his mental health. And I would be extremely wary of anything other than ordered supervised contact. Too many children die because their separated fathers are unstable. In our case the dd lived with us for 18 mos prior to my friends separation as she was unable to live at home, and my friend's therapist warned me that I need to have an active escape plan at all times, to leave town, that could be put into place at any point, to keep the dd and I safe, as mum was extremely dangerous.

Since the no contact order, her ex is finally able to relax a bit.

Stay safe x

Desmondo2016 · 30/11/2017 17:24

My ex has killed himself about 8 times over but unfortunately he's still around causing me shit. Youve done fab OP, don't feel.any guilt or lose any sleep about him. He's just following the script. The end of their performance is never actual death, just dramatics along the way.