Ex is threatening to kill himself if I stay in new relationship

[NoPhelange]

Pretty much what the subject says. Me and ex split after 12 years and 2 children together in January. He moved out and abroad for work in August, returned 2 months later and is living between his mum's and sisters house. He had access to our children each weekend, and sometimes saw them after school through the week once or twice. I am in a new relationship now, have been since May. My new partner is known to him, however not a friend or related. Since he came back from working abroad, I have been subject to o constant harassment from my ex as to why I should leave him. Telling me rumours about him, who has slept with before with me and insinuating contact is ongoing - it isn't. It's all to cast doubt. It has gotten so bad that my partner near had a mental breakdown last week and we had to get away with the kids for a few days to his parents to get some distance.

I have blocked ex, but he always manages to find a way to make contact. When it became clear to him that I wasn't listening to his gossip, he started with death threats. Turned up to my house one night when partner was in work to say a final goodbye, with a car full of ibuprofen and paracetamol. I tried to get him help, he told me if I called an ambulance as soon as he got out he would kill himself in front of me.

Now the stress of this has very nearly split me and my partner up a few times, as his ex is also being a bit of a twat. I'm downplaying it to keep it brief, but to say it has been intense is an understatement.

Now my ex is saying he can no longer have access to the kids overnight as he can't bear to hear them telling him happy things of what we've all done together. And is now adamant that he will indeed kill himself this weekend if I choose to stay with my partner, as he can't bear to have him bringing up his kids. Even though he instigated the split, and left them to move abroad for what was going to be 2 years.

What the hell do I do here? How do I handle this? Obviously it'd break my heart for anyone to kill themselves because of my choices, but I also can't have him controlling my life anymore as he has done since we got together 12 years ago. He was very emotionally abusive, and is still doing his utmost to carry that on it seems.

Is there anything I can do? Any sort of cease and desist or injunction I can get assuming he won't go ahead with killing himself to stop the constant harassment about my partner? I don't wish harm on the man, but I don't wish to speak to him about matters that don't involve our children but he just can't help himself. I'm actually scared of him and his desperation.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated :(

[hellsbellsmelons]

to kill themselves because of my choices
No way - stop thinking like that.
He is an adult.
And if he wants to kill himself then that is HIS CHOICE!
Not yours. You cannot control what he does.
You absolutely have to live your life without threats and without fear.
It would be totally awful if he did do it.
I don't know that he will.
Most people who are serious about it don't go around telling people they will do it and when they will do it.
Do not let this vile abusive manipulator ruin your new life.
He does what he does and that's entirely up to him and HIS CHOICE.
The only thing you can do is go to the police.
Please do that today. Call 101 and tell them everything.
Do not fall for his vile manipulation a moment longer.

[saltandvinegarcrisps1]

Any mental health will tell you that if someone really wants to end their life they will - nothing will stop them.
Please do not allow any access to your children - this is exactly the type of behaviour that family aniolaters carry out - kill the children to cause the mother pain. I feel for you having to deal with this

[BakedBeans47]

I agree with calling the police. And if he kills himself (which I doubt, he’s just trying to scare you) it’s not your responsibility or problem, it’s his own doing.

Also I wouldn’t let the kids go to him. This might sound OTT but there’s been enough cases of jealous men killing their kids to get back at their partner. Who knows what this dick is capable of.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I agree. It’s a control issue. Stop contact with the children and stop engaging with him and inform the police.

[therealposieparker]

I'd say this is a massive red flag and I'd be thinking about contact with the kids tbh. Talk to a domestic violence officer.

[PickAChew]

It's pure manipulation. What, you really want to kill yourself, exH? Whatever.

If you can't manage the air of indifference then pass it on to someone he doesn't want attention off, each and every time.

[NoPhelange]

Oh thank you all, I'm sat in my car outside a shop blubbing away. I've been thinking I've been overreacting for so long.

I've tried helping him, I did actually call the police when he turned up to my house, well before he got there, I got a reference number but then never came despite me keeping him there for hours. Ambulance called later in the night to say limited resources and what to do if he does anything, but I ended up calling them off when he had calmed down. That's when he was saying if I've called anyone he will kill himself when he gets out as I kept dissapearing on the phone and he got suspicious.

It's just so fucking sad. He's not a bad man really, just bloody messed up and he's just realised he's lost everything he had in life and is trying to regain some control but this sick behaviour is not the way to do it. I'm genuinely scared he will do it, and I know it will be his choice but how do I tell my children their dads dead because he hated mummies new partner who they also have grown to love? It's a fucking mess.

I might give the police a call when I get home and ask for some advice. I've threatened him with a cease and desist a few days ago and he was begging me not to go down a legal route, I'm worried that will tip him over the edge but I can't keep letting him have that control can I?

I just want to be happy and move on. My dad died only last month too and since the day he died I haven't had a moment's fucking peace from him. Might try and get myself sectioned for some bloody peace actually

Thank you all

[AnyFucker]

What they all said. Stop all contact. Inform police. Let him get on with it. I guarantee he will still be alive and kicking on Monday and trying to control you. You must cut off his oxygen by not reacting.

[scoobydooagain]

My ex used to threaten suicide whenever I tried to break up with him, quite serious attempts, 1 ICU admission and 1 HDU admission as well as various A/E visits, 8 years later he is still alive. It's all about control, I would be uneasy about contact, my ex had some form of supervised contact for over 4 years, before deemed safe for unsupervised contact.

[SlowlyShrinking]

If he’s going to do it, then he’ll do it. You don’t control that.
However if it was me, I’d be worried about the safety of my children when they were with him, and I’d be trying to stop contact tbh. Sorry I don’t want to stress you out any more but better safe than sorry.

[therealposieparker]

how do I tell my children their dads dead because he hated mummies new partner who they also have grown to love?

You would explain later that he couldn't control you and it was a controlling shitty selfish thing to do.

[SingingSeuss]

Police. Leave it to the professionals and o would get legal advice over access. I wouldn't want my kids staying with someone who is suicidal. You need to protect them.

[Natsku]

Police and social services, definitely. If he's serious then he needs sectioning, and if he's not serious (most likely option) he is being abusive and the police need to deal with that. Social services because you need to stop unsupervised contact with the children because he might very well be a danger to them as others have said, and even if he won't try and do anything to them to get at you, he could still be causing emotional damage if he talks about this to them.

[JaneEyre70]

I'm sorry about your dad OP and it's shit that your ex isn't leaving you alone when he would know you are grieving too. It's all about him though. I'd go and report this today to the Police, you have to put a stop to this for the sake of your mental health too .

[bibliomania]

I agree, the priority is for him not to have unsupervised contact with the dcs.

I also agree with the police, but yes, I can imagine resource constraints may mean that they won't always appear in a timely way.

Best not to engage with him at all. If you have to, aim for boredom/slightly amused.

[VivienneWestwoodsKnickers]

Ex-police officer here. Call the police.

This is harassment and domestic abuse. They can refer him to the mental health services if needs be.

If he turns up at your house, call poo and tell them whatever he's saying about suicide and any threats towards you or the kids.

Tell the police you want him warned and if needs be, arrested.

[Hairgician]

Police. Hes being a twat. If he really wanted to do himself in he would have. And without all the fanfare.
It's all about attention and control. You know this already. Call his bluff. Cut his contact with the kids as he clearly isn't thinking of them.

[AdoraBell]

Definitely call the police if he turns up, and YY to Social Sercives to stop contact with the DC.

[notapizzaeater]

Def a control thing, phone the police every time. If he destroys this relationship t
He will start again on the next one

[FlowerPot1234]

And is now adamant that he will indeed kill himself this weekend if I choose to stay with my partner

First, generally people who kill themselves do not behave in this manner. Not always, but generally.

Second, call the police. Tell them you are concerned about the welfare of an individual who has made x number of threats to commit suicide. They have now set a precise timeline for this act, this weekend, and you are concerned about their erratic behaviour and that they will do this, possibly in public to maximum effect (and harm to others). Also notify the police that you have concerns about the welfare of your children when they are in his presence (if you do, you may not and you may be confident that his threats to harm himself do not involve your children, or you may be uncertain).

If the police and mental health teams evaluate him and he is deemed not to be a suicide risk, accept their findings and ignore all subsequent threats. Then follow this up with legal action to keep him away from you.
If they evaluate him and find he is mentally ill, notify the police each and every time he threatens suicide.

Do not let him control or damage your life.

[timeforachange77]

Like previous posters report to the police. Stop all contact.

Also, re "Obviously it'd break my heart for anyone to kill themselves because of my choices,"

IF he did try anything, it really wouldn't be anything to do with your choices, it would be because of HIS own choices. he is a bully.

[Grumpyfrog]

I'm not sure but I think if you contact the police and tell them of his suicide threats, then they can section him

It really doesn't work like that. I wish posters would stop giving out information when they clearly don't have a clue what they're talking about

[Grumpyfrog]

You can report to the police ref the harassment side of things obviously,....

[FlowerPot1234]

Grumpyfrog
I'm not sure but I think if you contact the police and tell them of his suicide threats, then they can section him
It really doesn't work like that. I wish posters would stop giving out information when they clearly don't have a clue what they're talking about

Grumpy, there is not need to be..... so grumpy at that poster. They were not literally correct in so far as which party can do what, but their gist was right. If the OP calls the police, the police and/or healthcare teams, depending on where and what the ex is doing, can detain the ex under the MHA, ie have them sectioned and admitted to hospital.

[Mix56]

please do listen, tell the police, they will be able to advise, if you should let him have contact with DC, if you can get a non-mol. etc
They will probably go & give him a talking to.
This is manipulation, but as you say, "he left..."....... suck it up Dude