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Boyfriend is financially irresponsible. Should i leave him?(355 Posts)
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First time posting as i really need some unbiased relationship/life advice on this matter.
I've been with my partner for 4 years. No kids and both in our mid/late twenties.
We are very much in love and generally get on well and rarely argue over anything other than one thing... Money!!
A bit of background is that i have come from a poor background where money was a real issue growing up and the cause of soooo much stress!! As i grew up without i was determined to make something of myself. I went to uni and qualified in a very good profession and have been on no less than 30k since 22 years old (through literal blood sweat and a lot of tears) and i am now in a very stable well payed job that requires a lot of hard work.
I also live down south so prices are also a lot higher if that makes a difference?
My partner on the other hand.. Grew up very well off. His parents were able to provide him with a very good lifestyle with 3 foriegn holidays a year and everything a child could dream of.. And they're the nicest most giving people I've ever met!!
However since the day ive got with him he has not held down a steady job longer than 6 months, has no qualifications, can't drive and wont learn and has no realistic ambitions to do well or better himself and spends his money in the most selfish and unreasonable ways despite any advice given to him. For example, he'll blow his wages within the first week on a playstation , take aways, games etc. Then he'll be begging me or his parents to lend his money as he's blown his wages and in his overdrafts accuring fees. Ill refuse to lend him money but someone else will (family or mates) or he'll sell his playstation. He'll even blow his food budget and then i have to pay for his meals. He literally gets to the point where he has 0 money and 0 food and three weeks till payday, so if i don't fees him then he would literally starve (well realistically he just goes and raids his parents cupboards at their house. Their not gonna let him starve for 3 week's). Then payday comes around and he does the exact same thing again!! Never learns!!
When we first got together i did overlook this as i realised that i am the other extreme in terms of having a well paid stable job at 22 and i know a lot of young people haven't got their careers and finances together like i did. But i did think that in a few years time he'd have it sorted or at least be working towards some qualifications?? But nope! Instead he has recently lost yet another job and is back on the job hunt. Sighh.. I'm really at my wits end!!
I have however made such a stupid mistake on my part.. After 2 years of being together i made the stupid decision of moving in together and renting a house. I honestly thought us living together would give him some responsibility and a kick up the bum and he'd change. In a way he did.. He no longer walks out of jobs if he doesnt like them and holds them down until he is basically sacked (being late, being on his mobile etc). Again, i really would not expect him to be on anywhere near the same salary as me and him being on minimum wage doesn't bother me.. Its the lack of bloody work ethic and responsibility that grates me!!
All of this really makes me worry about the future.. If i were to become pregnant then i would have no choice but to go back to work full time and not even just because i earn more but because he'd have us down the shitter otherwise.
I have tried everything to help him with his finances.. Making him spreadsheets, taking through his budgets.. At one point i even got his full wage given to me and i split it into 4 weeks and gave him it weekly to stop the impulsive spending but that didnt work as he'd blow the weekly spends that same day and beg for the week afters money due to overdraft fees!!
His parents know exactly how he is and they try and talk to him and kick him into touch but it doesn't work. And why would it? He knows that if he loses his job then ill just pay the bills (i have no choices really do i? Can't let myself get into arrears because of him). And even if i took a stand and didn't pay a bill, i really dont think it would bother him as in his mind worst case scenario is we'd get evicted and just move in with his mum and dad!! They have a nice big ass house with plenty of food and nice things so there would be no punishment or real consequence for him i suppose!
His attitude towards money/work is really turning into a deal breaker and im starting to feel resentful. He has everything growing up and i had nothing. I would have killed for his opportunities but he's not bothered with a single one. Yet i am the one essentially supporting him despite having the poorer start in life. I feel like if anything it should have been the other way around?
Also i must add his siblings are the complete opposite to him and are all working well paid jobs and been to uni, so it can't be his parents spoiling him as the cause?
So why am i with him?? Because every other aspect of our relationship is perfect. He is very loyal and loving. Treats me so well im every other aspect. We both fancy each other loads still and are very connected emotionally. I adore his family, i feel like they're my own and he adores mine.
I can't imagine breaking up with someone purely over money when there are no other issues. It sounds shallow and cold. But at the same time, can you honestly have a long term relationship with marriage and children in the future, with someone who can't/wont hold down a steady job?!
Do you want to revert back to that childhood feeling of being stressed about money? No? Then you need to walk away.
No you can't gave a long term relationship like that unless you're prepared to act like his mum and carry him through the rest of your lives financially and emotionally.
I think you know the answer to this already. You know that unless he radically changes, this relationship,won't last. You are already resenting his employment instability and that will only get worse.
I don't think moving in together was a mistake and is a common situation after a two year relationship. It should have made him grow up and act responsibly. However, that hasn't happened. As you said, it's not what he earns that's the problem, but his lack of responsibility.
I think the relationship is a 'now' relationship, ie okay for now, but doesn't have a long term future. Sorry. Better to find out now, rather than in the future when you are married and/or have kids.
I can't tell you how much you will resent this man if you stay with him, have children, go back to work and work your fingers to the bone whilst he just plays about. It will quite possibly make you ill. If I had my time again, I would have walked away.
It's not a trivial thing to break up over. You have very different values and priorities here. The fact that he's not even willing to think ahead will break you sooner or later and could have you landed in a lot of debt (BTDT).
Puppies are loving and loyal, but don't blow the food budget.
It's not cold to make a head decision and recognise that this is not a man you feel you could be an equal parent with. He's irresponsible with money, he doesn't hold down a job, if you decided, say, to have him be a SAHP, how much of that mantel would he take on wholeheartedly? Do you believe he would get stuck in or that he would be selectively incompetent, meaning you'd need to pay for childcare, anyhow, even with him not working?
And I agree with Apple, you will be bailing him out for life if you stay with him
Sorry I couldn't have a relationship with this man. It would break me.
I couldn't do it I'm afraid. You realise he is not taking responsibility as his parents always bail him out.
Have you heard about Transactional Analysis? You are the Parent and he is the Child, when you should both be Adults. It's well worth looking at - for him, too, though whether he'll take it on board is doubtful.
But in the end, you need a relationship with another adult. If he's not prepared to do this, then you have to move on.
Money is the thing most likely to break couples up, so not a little thing. But really I think this is less about money, and more about being with someone who shares your values. You are clearly ambitious and hardworking, and should be with someone who shares the same goals as you. You've done everything you can to get him to grow up, you can't do any more. He's not taking life seriously in the way you are, and ultimately that means he's not taking your relationship and your future as a couple seriously. I couldn't be with someone who wasn't ambitious, no one could judge you for leaving and finding someone who matches you and shares your values.
You wouldn't be breaking up just over money, it's his lack of ambition, work ethic and the fact that he is letting you pay all the bills! That's just not fair.
I agree with pp that this is not small, it is a fundamental clash of values.
Compatible values make long term relationships work. Clashes make them break.
Don't feel bad, it's hard / impossible to change someone's values. But for your own sake you have to break it off. It's not got legs long term, it will send you under
Sounds very stressful to live with, it's one thing him being broke but if you have to put up with nagging for money, the worry over food and him geting handouts. That would just crack me up.
He's free blow his money once basics have been paid for but sounds like he need you to lay the law down. You can't live with no security.
He is a man child-I honestly couldn't find someone like that attractive. Does he pay his share of the rent/bills/food every month?
Be very very careful if you have a baby with this man-he won't look after you both.
Can you leave and give him a time limit to short his shit out. 6 months.
I think that one of the basics of a successful relationship is that you're on the same page about the foundations (money/children etc). That doesn't mean that you both have to be savers or goal orientated, but it does mean that both of you have to be happy with the way the other is.
In my case, I spend money like water, while my DH is careful. He plans and budgets and makes sure we have savings. I'd blow it all on glitter if left to my own devices. But that works for us. We balance each other out. He's influenced me to be a little wiser in my spending habits and I've influenced him to have a blow out every now and again.
You aren't happy with his attitude to money and he isn't changing at all. It's not going to be an easy life if you choose to spend it with this man and there's every chance that you'll become so resentful at his actions that you'll end up hating him. Can you see yourself living and coping with his attitude for the rest of your life?
it's not 'purely over money'. It's his work ethic, his childish and reckless outlook, that he expects everybody to take care of him and bail him out while taking no responsibility himself.
I have to disagree that a stable job at 22 is 'extreme'. It's normal in my circles. Behaving like him in mid-late 20s is not normal.
Can you imagine if you had kids? You being solely responsible for the bills and food, forced to leave your tiny baby before you're ready so he can sit on his playstation..
So he hasn't grown up over the last four years? As you say, a 22yr old might be like a teenager, but he's probably 26/27 now. And he hasn't grown up. That will be because he doesn't need to grow up while you and his parents keep picking up the pieces.
I would move out and see how the relationship pans out. My bet is he will still rely on his parents rather than man up. For me that would show that he isn't ready for a relationship, and definitely not parenthood.
I can't imagine breaking up with someone purely over money when there are no other issues
It's not just money though. It's a total lack of work ethic and ambition. It's the childish behaviour, its relying on first you to pay for him and then mummy and daddy as a safety net. Can you truly find this man child attractive and sexy?
He would be a terrible father. He would never provide. You would be carrying all of it, the work and the finances and the being the grown up in the relationship.
is this what you want?
Does he think he has a problem?
As you know from your own relationship with money it is not a simple relationship. It is an emotional relationship. One way or another he's developed an unhealthy relationship with it same as you might with alcohol or food or relationships etc. If he doesn't think he has a problem then he's not likely to change it. If he does think he has a problem then maybe he can get some CBT or something.
If you don't want to split up with him then he's going to have to change or you will have to take charge of finances. Is that something you want to do?
Tell him. Tell him what you've said here, that you love him but this issue is making you stressed, anxious and unhappy. So much so that you don't know if you can be with him any more. See what he says. You deserve to feel secure.
My sister married a man like this. She was young
and silly and kept repeating how important the other parts of their relationship were. She is now late 40s, still in rented (as they've never ever been able to save a penny), he's been made bankrupt, because he couldn't pay his tax, and generally years of misery- always in debt and skint.
If you do not want a similar lifestyle, do not stay with this man. You will regret it.
Please give him a swerve, I was well off when I met my fella like this, nearly 20 years later I had to pay off nearly 40k when I finally left him due to his stupidity and my being trapped with the mortgage and a child . Honestly it's a nightmare, please avoid it yourself
You wouldn't be breaking up over money - you'd be breaking up because he refuses to act like an adult and is willing to watch you work yourself into an early grave while he cocklodges off you.
You're not helping him, you're enabling him. The only way to have a relationship with this child is live on your own, have a number in your head that you're willing to spend on him, and then never getting any more involved - a bit like a toy boy that you pay for. A gigolo. That's the absolute best that you can hope for.
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