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Boyfriend is financially irresponsible. Should i leave him?

365 replies

Liongirl111 · 10/08/2017 21:23

Hello,
First time posting as i really need some unbiased relationship/life advice on this matter.
I've been with my partner for 4 years. No kids and both in our mid/late twenties.
We are very much in love and generally get on well and rarely argue over anything other than one thing... Money!!
A bit of background is that i have come from a poor background where money was a real issue growing up and the cause of soooo much stress!! As i grew up without i was determined to make something of myself. I went to uni and qualified in a very good profession and have been on no less than 30k since 22 years old (through literal blood sweat and a lot of tears) and i am now in a very stable well payed job that requires a lot of hard work.
I also live down south so prices are also a lot higher if that makes a difference?

My partner on the other hand.. Grew up very well off. His parents were able to provide him with a very good lifestyle with 3 foriegn holidays a year and everything a child could dream of.. And they're the nicest most giving people I've ever met!!
However since the day ive got with him he has not held down a steady job longer than 6 months, has no qualifications, can't drive and wont learn and has no realistic ambitions to do well or better himself and spends his money in the most selfish and unreasonable ways despite any advice given to him. For example, he'll blow his wages within the first week on a playstation , take aways, games etc. Then he'll be begging me or his parents to lend his money as he's blown his wages and in his overdrafts accuring fees. Ill refuse to lend him money but someone else will (family or mates) or he'll sell his playstation. He'll even blow his food budget and then i have to pay for his meals. He literally gets to the point where he has 0 money and 0 food and three weeks till payday, so if i don't fees him then he would literally starve (well realistically he just goes and raids his parents cupboards at their house. Their not gonna let him starve for 3 week's). Then payday comes around and he does the exact same thing again!! Never learns!!

When we first got together i did overlook this as i realised that i am the other extreme in terms of having a well paid stable job at 22 and i know a lot of young people haven't got their careers and finances together like i did. But i did think that in a few years time he'd have it sorted or at least be working towards some qualifications?? But nope! Instead he has recently lost yet another job and is back on the job hunt. Sighh.. I'm really at my wits end!!

I have however made such a stupid mistake on my part.. After 2 years of being together i made the stupid decision of moving in together and renting a house. I honestly thought us living together would give him some responsibility and a kick up the bum and he'd change. In a way he did.. He no longer walks out of jobs if he doesnt like them and holds them down until he is basically sacked (being late, being on his mobile etc). Again, i really would not expect him to be on anywhere near the same salary as me and him being on minimum wage doesn't bother me.. Its the lack of bloody work ethic and responsibility that grates me!!

All of this really makes me worry about the future.. If i were to become pregnant then i would have no choice but to go back to work full time and not even just because i earn more but because he'd have us down the shitter otherwise.

I have tried everything to help him with his finances.. Making him spreadsheets, taking through his budgets.. At one point i even got his full wage given to me and i split it into 4 weeks and gave him it weekly to stop the impulsive spending but that didnt work as he'd blow the weekly spends that same day and beg for the week afters money due to overdraft fees!!

His parents know exactly how he is and they try and talk to him and kick him into touch but it doesn't work. And why would it? He knows that if he loses his job then ill just pay the bills (i have no choices really do i? Can't let myself get into arrears because of him). And even if i took a stand and didn't pay a bill, i really dont think it would bother him as in his mind worst case scenario is we'd get evicted and just move in with his mum and dad!! They have a nice big ass house with plenty of food and nice things so there would be no punishment or real consequence for him i suppose!

His attitude towards money/work is really turning into a deal breaker and im starting to feel resentful. He has everything growing up and i had nothing. I would have killed for his opportunities but he's not bothered with a single one. Yet i am the one essentially supporting him despite having the poorer start in life. I feel like if anything it should have been the other way around?

Also i must add his siblings are the complete opposite to him and are all working well paid jobs and been to uni, so it can't be his parents spoiling him as the cause?

So why am i with him?? Because every other aspect of our relationship is perfect. He is very loyal and loving. Treats me so well im every other aspect. We both fancy each other loads still and are very connected emotionally. I adore his family, i feel like they're my own and he adores mine.

I can't imagine breaking up with someone purely over money when there are no other issues. It sounds shallow and cold. But at the same time, can you honestly have a long term relationship with marriage and children in the future, with someone who can't/wont hold down a steady job?!

OP posts:
Batoutahell · 11/08/2017 07:13

IT would be a deal breaker for me OP. Get out now before it gets more complicated.

paddlenorapaddle · 11/08/2017 07:21

This is your life, it won't change why would it he doesn't have the incentive and when you leave the sad thing is his parents will pick up the tab and on it will continue

Seriously though perhaps it would be an idea to seek some support as to why you need to be a rescuer. You could substitute the money for anything and you'd still come to the same conclusions. People only change because they either have to.
Or want to

Another which may be harder to hear is that he's quite certain that no matter what you'll stick it out have a look at the sunken costs fallacy

schoolgaterebel · 11/08/2017 07:22

Don't build a life with this child man. And definitely don't have children with him, He will be a shit provider for his children and a drain on you forever.

As difficult as it is, you need to get out now before you waste any more years.

Fluffycloudland77 · 11/08/2017 07:34

He's a cocklodger & your his meal ticket.

There's plenty of good men out there, he's nice to you & faithful because if he wasn't you'd definitely ditch him.

You'd meet someone else.

MouseholeCat · 11/08/2017 07:40

Don't continue with this relationship, OP. You sound like a fantastic, hard working and caring person: you deserve a partner who isn't dead weight. Your financial world views are not compatible, and you've been together long enough to know that you cannot change him.

RandomMess · 11/08/2017 07:45

If you marry or have DC with him you will end up broke!

You will become a "nag" and eventually he will be unfaithful with someone carefree and he will blame you! He's a man child who doesn't want to grow up.

ShatnersWig · 11/08/2017 08:09

You're a catch and his meal ticket and he damn well knows it. He is a cocklodger. He will NOT change. Ever.

Please move on and find someone who deserves you and is your equal. That doesn't mean he has to earn as much as you, but that he has the same approach to work ethic, life in general

Whocansay · 11/08/2017 08:11

Sorry, but this one is not going to change. He's lazy and workshy. I don't know how you can say he's kind, when he's been happy to leech off you for years. He takes no responsibility for himself and makes no effort to improve. How can you find that attractive?

You can't have children with him. Can you imagine going on maternity leave and relying on him for support? It's not going to happen. I would cut your losses.

FinallyHere · 11/08/2017 08:37

Oh dear, the more I read your responses, the more uncomfortable I am becoming. I would love to find the words to get you to see what you are doing to yourself. I think RunRabbit says, most clearly, the message I would want you to take away from this. Please go back and read that post again. Then look at some of the things you are saying to justify staying with him:

I have no choices really do I? ( bailing him out, paying the rent).

There is always a choice the 'or not' , the choice not to do it

Again I dont want to mother him and want to also enjoy my holiday. I dont want to be following him to the gym every morning incase he spends all his money.

You are never going to be able to relax and enjoy yourself, because he is too selfish to allow you to do so

Hes very passionate about people and everyone being treated equally and hates social injustice.

Oh please, that is 'everyone except you, and his parents'

I don't like to live in a cosy bubble when others are in need and he shares that quality.

Oh please, he especially (tears etc) doesn't like it when it's him in need, so he takes more than his own share, more than he has worked for. That's not my idea of social justice. He has been raised in privileged circumstances and insists on remaining privileged, spends more than he has earned, knowing he will be bailed out by parents and , yes, you.

if i were alone and got ill for example, who would look after me

Not the man who fritters all his cash on useless stuff and then cries til you, or his parents, bail him out

Fear of making a mistake

Oh dear, there are man mistakes here, the biggest of which is to carry on as you are, hoping it will change and hoping that you will get different results. That is the very definition of madness.

=================

I'm beginning to hope that this is a joke, a reverse, rather than the life of someone as you describe it. I hope that this is not your life, for ever and with children, if you see them in your future. You have done so well for yourself yet something is making you sabotage yourself, supporting this waste of space, man child. Enabling him to continue, no wonder his lovely parents make you so welcome, in their shoes I would have worried about him and delighted that he might have you to sponge off, when they are gone (and he has frittered all their money away).

Up to the bit about his burning passion for social justice I might have bought that he might just need to grow up a bit. But no, he really has this sussed. He will not only act like a child, sponging off his parents and you, but will, at the same time, argue that everyone should reject the rat race so the government would need to change, his solution is to bring about an idealist, socialist republic, no less.

Have you spotted that in his mind, there is always someone else to provide, rather than needing his own efforts in honest labour plus a bit extra to provide for those less fortunate than himself?

You have enjoyed his company, the good bits and the downsides. Now is your time to set yourself free from him. Your life without him is going to be great. Not perfect, but you will meet and discover all sorts of people. Some will be decent people, with similar values to you. You will live your life amongst them and be glad to do so, earning a measure of equality, trust and respect. You simply cannot trust and respect him, you too, rely on his parents to bail him out.

You will look back with a wry smile at how, when you were younger, you got yourself entangled with a user. You recognised this, got yourself free and are a stronger person for the whole experience. I know i did, and am stronger and so want to help you get free.

How would you feel about your daughter, or son, being in a relationship with someone like this?

MsVestibule · 11/08/2017 08:39

liongirl you sound so lovely and supportive, but you do know that this isn't going to end in a 'happy ever after' scenario, don't you? You hoped that moving in together would force him into accepting responsibility but that didn't work.

As you want children (and let's face it, it would be a pretty bad idea to have them with this man) you really do need to leave him sooner rather than later. I know it's a really scary thought, for all the reasons you've listed above, but you have to just take a very deep breath and jump. When does your tenancy expire, or are you on a rolling, give two months notice type thing?

CaptainHammer · 11/08/2017 09:05

@finallyhere has it spot on.

It is scary making changes and being on your own but you won't be alone forever. It's difficult but far better to break up now rather than when you have children/get married and realise he is still lazy etc.

KatharinaRosalie · 11/08/2017 09:15

hates social injustice - oh, except for that part where he is happy to see you and his parents breaking their backs to support him, while he can't be arsed to keep a job?

He's not 13, he's close to 30, he won't change. It's not just money management, but the total lack of drive, ambition and work ethic. If this annoys you and makes you cry even now, when you don't yet have children together, I can absolutely guarantee that if you do have a family with this man, you will end up hugely resenting him. And either being miserable and crying, or leaving him anyway.

It's not necessarily a choice between a nice but lazy man and a bastard. Most adults manage to hold down jobs and pay their bills, and to be at least decent human beings on top of that.

ElspethFlashman · 11/08/2017 09:25

gamerchick has it right, this bloke is a very lovely good humoured bleeding heart PARASITE.

ShatnersWig · 11/08/2017 09:48

Captain said It is scary making changes and being on your own but you won't be alone forever

Caveat. You can't be 100% sure you won't be alone forever. None of us can. I know some totally lovely people who have been single for 10 years and have never lived with anyone since they left home. But that is FAR preferable to being with a cocklodger who doesn't love you but just uses you.

rollonthesummer · 11/08/2017 09:52

God, the more you write about this man, the worse it gets. You'd be mad to stay with him-you really would.

notmeobviously · 11/08/2017 10:24

Think how this could be down the line.

Think:

If I'm relying on him for household income because we have children and I'm their primary carer or because I'm sick, how will that feel? Will it be stressful? Will I wonder how to cover my mortgage and my bills.

What will he sell to try to buy nappies for our children because he's spent all his money?

Will I have to go back to work before I'm ready if we have kids because there are bills to pay and only one person will get them paid?

Will I forever be worried about the financial security of my family in case he gets sacked (again)

What would happen if I lost my job?

Will I resent him because I've had to go back to work and can't have the time with my kids that I wanted because he's unwilling/unable to provide in the same way?

My situation doesn't sound as extreme as yours, but I am a good number of years further down the line in a similar situation (with the house and the kids and a serious health condition thrown into the mix) and the above questions are definitely worth asking yourself...

Josiah · 11/08/2017 10:34

He's a manchild and may never grow up.

It's sad but if you stay you will have to carry him for the rest of your life and will grow to hate him once you have children. He is a permanent child and will be an albatross around your neck.

KatharinaRosalie · 11/08/2017 10:52

In addition to the money, how will you feel if you are breaking your back, taking care of children, home and family income, and he is lazying around, relaxing, not bothering to keep a job? It causes huge resentment when you see that your supposed partner is not pulling their weight at all, not putting in any effort.

hatsoncats · 11/08/2017 10:53

If you have children with this man you are condemning them to the same deprived fucked-up childhood that you had.

You OK with that?

KatharinaRosalie · 11/08/2017 11:01

I couldn't get the social justice thing out of my head. He sounds exactly like my friend's partner, who also keeps doing some small projects here and there, and talking about how world revolution is needed and how capitalism sucks and all that.

He's doing it while sitting in the house paid solely by my friend, eating food bought by my friend. Quite cushy to be a socialist if someone else is paying.

LaContessaDiPlump · 11/08/2017 11:04

He sounds like a right loser op. I was engaged to someone equally useless (i.e. wouldn't work with what the world provided but seemed to be holding out for a better one which would magically be 'fair', rather than mucking in and doing any work himself to make it so). I ditched him - with a struggle, as his family, like yours, are LOVELY - and found someone far more responsible and adult.

I bet you his family will not be surprised if you leave him - they are probably wondering why you have stayed this long.....

Butterymuffin · 11/08/2017 11:09

Move on. He won't be a good dad because he can't put other people above himself, except in a very abstract generalised way. If he got and kept a job he could do more for social justice than he will ever do by spending all his cash on games. Bill Gates has saved many lives by having enough money to pour millions into charities. But I digress: find another grown up to be with. He isn't one.

Questioningeverything · 11/08/2017 11:44

I couldn't in all honesty find a man like this attractive. Initially maybe, he's got his charms and lovely family. But then the scales would fall the first time I had to sub him. Him being unable to repay it would be a deal breaker. He views you as a free cash machine. Same goes for his parents.
He could have a dick made of solid gold (meh but he'd probably sell that to spend on crap) and I'd still be walking away.
It's such an unattractive quality. My oh and I don't live together and we won't for some time. His finances are messed up, more outgoings than income to cover it. He knows I wouldn't allow us living together until that's sorted. But he doesn't ask for money. He buys us dinner when he's having a good week. Takes me and my dc out. He's a good partner, and his finances don't impact me. If they did I'd be saying bye bye. And he knows it.

You have to walk away from him. You have to. There is no future with this man child

CaptainHammer · 11/08/2017 11:48

@shatnerswig
I meant in the sense of OP can make more friends and a new 'family' rather than just finding a new boyfriend to live with.
Obviously no one can say for certain what the future holds but as you say Shatner, it'll be a better future without him in it as hard as that feels now.

lejd · 11/08/2017 12:03

I was married to someone like this. Within a month of splitting he was living with his next meal ticket (while also calling me up and asking for just a little more money to sort out his latest problems). People like that just don't change. Life is so much better without him.