Boyfriend is financially irresponsible. Should i leave him?

[Liongirl111]

Hello,
First time posting as i really need some unbiased relationship/life advice on this matter.
I've been with my partner for 4 years. No kids and both in our mid/late twenties.
We are very much in love and generally get on well and rarely argue over anything other than one thing... Money!!
A bit of background is that i have come from a poor background where money was a real issue growing up and the cause of soooo much stress!! As i grew up without i was determined to make something of myself. I went to uni and qualified in a very good profession and have been on no less than 30k since 22 years old (through literal blood sweat and a lot of tears) and i am now in a very stable well payed job that requires a lot of hard work.
I also live down south so prices are also a lot higher if that makes a difference?

My partner on the other hand.. Grew up very well off. His parents were able to provide him with a very good lifestyle with 3 foriegn holidays a year and everything a child could dream of.. And they're the nicest most giving people I've ever met!!
However since the day ive got with him he has not held down a steady job longer than 6 months, has no qualifications, can't drive and wont learn and has no realistic ambitions to do well or better himself and spends his money in the most selfish and unreasonable ways despite any advice given to him. For example, he'll blow his wages within the first week on a playstation , take aways, games etc. Then he'll be begging me or his parents to lend his money as he's blown his wages and in his overdrafts accuring fees. Ill refuse to lend him money but someone else will (family or mates) or he'll sell his playstation. He'll even blow his food budget and then i have to pay for his meals. He literally gets to the point where he has 0 money and 0 food and three weeks till payday, so if i don't fees him then he would literally starve (well realistically he just goes and raids his parents cupboards at their house. Their not gonna let him starve for 3 week's). Then payday comes around and he does the exact same thing again!! Never learns!!

When we first got together i did overlook this as i realised that i am the other extreme in terms of having a well paid stable job at 22 and i know a lot of young people haven't got their careers and finances together like i did. But i did think that in a few years time he'd have it sorted or at least be working towards some qualifications?? But nope! Instead he has recently lost yet another job and is back on the job hunt. Sighh.. I'm really at my wits end!!

I have however made such a stupid mistake on my part.. After 2 years of being together i made the stupid decision of moving in together and renting a house. I honestly thought us living together would give him some responsibility and a kick up the bum and he'd change. In a way he did.. He no longer walks out of jobs if he doesnt like them and holds them down until he is basically sacked (being late, being on his mobile etc). Again, i really would not expect him to be on anywhere near the same salary as me and him being on minimum wage doesn't bother me.. Its the lack of bloody work ethic and responsibility that grates me!!

All of this really makes me worry about the future.. If i were to become pregnant then i would have no choice but to go back to work full time and not even just because i earn more but because he'd have us down the shitter otherwise.

I have tried everything to help him with his finances.. Making him spreadsheets, taking through his budgets.. At one point i even got his full wage given to me and i split it into 4 weeks and gave him it weekly to stop the impulsive spending but that didnt work as he'd blow the weekly spends that same day and beg for the week afters money due to overdraft fees!!

His parents know exactly how he is and they try and talk to him and kick him into touch but it doesn't work. And why would it? He knows that if he loses his job then ill just pay the bills (i have no choices really do i? Can't let myself get into arrears because of him). And even if i took a stand and didn't pay a bill, i really dont think it would bother him as in his mind worst case scenario is we'd get evicted and just move in with his mum and dad!! They have a nice big ass house with plenty of food and nice things so there would be no punishment or real consequence for him i suppose!

His attitude towards money/work is really turning into a deal breaker and im starting to feel resentful. He has everything growing up and i had nothing. I would have killed for his opportunities but he's not bothered with a single one. Yet i am the one essentially supporting him despite having the poorer start in life. I feel like if anything it should have been the other way around?

Also i must add his siblings are the complete opposite to him and are all working well paid jobs and been to uni, so it can't be his parents spoiling him as the cause?

So why am i with him?? Because every other aspect of our relationship is perfect. He is very loyal and loving. Treats me so well im every other aspect. We both fancy each other loads still and are very connected emotionally. I adore his family, i feel like they're my own and he adores mine.

I can't imagine breaking up with someone purely over money when there are no other issues. It sounds shallow and cold. But at the same time, can you honestly have a long term relationship with marriage and children in the future, with someone who can't/wont hold down a steady job?!

You are in a relationship that has you crying on holiday.

A relationship where the alternative to crying on holiday is to follow him everywhere to stop him misbehaving.

That's a shit relationship.

**AnotherEmma I have asked myself why I've stayed so lonh numerous times and these are the reasons i can think of:

1. Despite the financial he has a good sense of humour and we get on really well, don't argue about anything else. We both love helping people in need in terms of the homeless and disabled. Hes very passionate about people and everyone being treated equally and hates social injustice. Which is a big thing for me as i like to think of the bigger picture when it comes to people and inequality. I don't like to live in a cosy bubble when others are in need and he shares that quality.

1. Family. I don't really have any family. Due to a rocky upbringing and emotionally unstable parents i moved away and have little contactm see them once a year perhaps. I think because of that his famioy have become like mine. They treat me like one of their own and I'm so close to them. If we were to split i really would be alone in the world. I have great things but their all getting married and having babies so not really available daily. I do worry that if i were alone and got ill for example, who would look after me? I coud not wake up and no one would really notice for a week or so. So i suppose letting him go would also be letting my primary support network go.

1. Fear of making a mistake. Like i said previously. What if i don't actually meet anyone else or meet an even bigger asshole in a different way? Or what if my partner does suddenly change 2 years down the line and gets his shit together but by then he's moved on. I also worry that i think the grass in greener on the other side but when im actually single and hes moved out i realise that it waw the wrong choice and im even more miserable and alone.

I actually like my own company and before we moved in together i lived on my own for 2 years. I really enjoyed that time but again i was still with him so had the sullort network whenever needed and the option of being in my own space. Before that i lived in student digs with all my mates so it was totally different and i had a massive support network.
I dont know anyone else who lives on their own and also has no family. I know it sounds stupid but its quite scary:(

What on earth is he buying 1/2/3/4/5 of that is using up all his holiday money?! Cheap booze or iPads?!

If you don't stop this now, you'll be posting on AIBU in 5 years about your loser DH who is titting about on his PS4 whilst you are doing all the housework, cooking, shopping, cleaning and working full time to pay the bills and childcare!

Where you are is perfectly valid. And you are really clear-sighted about how the situation has evolved -or not, where he is concerned.

Plenty of other people have a GSOH and a social conscience and manage not to fritter away money the don't have on random shite.

If you look at where his generosity is coming from, it's clearly because the money is not coming from his own blood, sweat and tears. It's easy to be generous with other people's cash. Easy come, easy go.

If you get pregnant op, you'll be at work and he'll be the home parent, that's him sorted for life then
And you not seeing your kid keeping him under your roof, and no leg to stand on ever

Like you've said though, you wouldn't want a child with this man. Are you going to hang around for years and years for him to break more promises and you wishing that you had left for a relationship and children with another man?

Yeah he's loving and funny, but so are lots of hardworking men.

Hes very passionate about people and everyone being treated equally and hates social injustice. Which is a big thing for me
I am boggling that you actually wrote that. He is treating you massively unequally. In his home, in his relationships, he is the one creating social injustice. He is a massive hypocrite. He's a rich boy playing at being right-on. Helping the homeless while letting you pay the bills. All talk no trousers.

If equality is so important to you, why don't you feel sick when he talks about this stuff, knowing what a giant hypocrite he is?

he sounds awful. imagine if you had children? not just the example he's setting, but also his poor character, and the fact that the burden to financially provide as well as being a mum (and believe me, particularly in the early days, a dad can't be a mum)

Easy to be generous with other people's money ...

Break up. I married someone exactly like your bf and always thought our different views on money would be fine, it wasn't. We argued over his spending and he resented me for not blowing my wages each month like him bc I was 'boring'.

RunRabbitRunRabbit

Good point. In the early years of the relationship we actually had a argument debate over that very point.
I told him that he would be unable to help others if it weren't for us supporting him. He really did not accept this point and kept turning it around that if everyone stopped working then the government would have to change and no one would worry about poverty. Bullshit i know. Since then those views have changed as he now works jobs for up to 6 months with a 2 month job hunt in between (seems to be his usual cycle anyway). So he then had to change his argument.

If i remember that argument/debate ended with his dad shouting holy hell as hes been breaking his back for years as an engineer to enable him to have opportunities in life. Even his mum works as a cleaner part time even though she doesn't have too to keep her busy (she loves her clients, old ladies she cleans for and helps with their shopping). So they were really upset with some of his views towards work and people as they just dont understand it. The work ethic is strong in everyone else. So i really can't connect to why he is the way he is.

A part of me thinks that if we broke up, he'd end up living in their garage out back or something all his life, coming in occasionally for the odd bowl of cereal and game of thrones episode. i shouldn't laugh. But if i didn't laugh id cry cause i kinda know its true.

You can't fundamentally change someone. It sounds like his parents are at the end of their tether with him too, and he's turning to you to mother him financially.

It won't change if you have a baby. He won't pay for anything. And as a pp said earlier, if you have a baby with him and then split up, you won't see a penny of maintenance from him.

I think you already know this deep down. You just have to admit it to yourself.

OP,
It sounds like the experience of a friend of mine, nice guy and all but unreliable, his family or her family always bailed him out. They got married but he ended up resenting her "we have to live within our means" attitude while his attitude was "you don't know how to have fun". My friend never dared trying for children as she knew she couldn't count on him. He had affairs and it ended in divorce. Fast forward 20 years, she's doing great while he's on the breadline, his parents are now ancient and in need of care so can't provide the support they used to give him. His siblings are looking after the parents because he's still avoiding responsabilities either practical or financial and he's in his mid 50's by now. Siblings most unimpressed with him btw.
As previous posters have said, if he hasn't learnt by now, he never will. Cut your losses and move out, you will miss him for a while but time will heal.

OP he is awful: lazy, entitled, childish and a hypocrite to boot. I would be repelled by his laziness and that would mean I just couldn't have sex with him if he was my partner.

You, on the other hand, have achieved so much with so little support, it is genuinely admirable. You are a catch so please don't sell yourself short with this loser who will bring you nothing but stress and unhappiness in the long-term. Despite the support network you think you have by being with him you will be so lonely in the end as he does not share your values or attitude to life. His caring persona is fake, yours is not.

I understand you love his family but there will be other, nicer, men and other nice families. There are other good men out there. You need to be brave and not squander any more time with this waster. Good luck!

I don't think he will grow out of how he operates currently. You and his parents are his support system. If you leave he will lean on his parents instead until he finds someone else who will sub him constantly.

I honestly think you need to let him go and start dating other people. There is no reason why you couldn't stay close to his mum and dad. From what you've said they will know you did your absolute best for their son and I don't think they'd be bad feeling. So try not to get too caught up in losing your primary support network.

I dated one of these. He was beautiful, great in bed, loving and really fucking lazy. I'm so glad I spent some time with him and very glad I didn't build a life with him.

The moment of clarity came when I asked about children, which he wanted, and said, "well I'll have to go back to work and you'd be a SAPH". He said, "no, I like the idea that they have a mum at home". He earned half what I earned and couldn't have paid rent, never mind supported a family. And WTF on the sexism? Shame, because he was really really pretty.

You've tried.
You did what sounds like your absolute best, and should no longer waste time propping his wallet up, or him. You sound like a lovely, together person who deserves much better than this. I would leave, and clearly state the reason.

I'd be tempted to explain clearly to his parents why you are leaving, and if you have a close enough relationship with them , suggest they cut the purse strings too as all of you are enabling this man-child. I'd imagine his siblings are really tired of his behaviour as well. Its almost like some kind of group intervention could be helpful, where everyone in his family ganged up on him and explained the new situation of how it's going to be. Then persuade them to punt him to financial management classes and explain no more money will be forthcoming, other than what he earns.

He has never learnt the consequences of being without money for food and basics, and I think a lot of us- when we start out- blow a full pay check- then have to reap the whirlwind. This doesn't happen for him and it should- sharpish.
If they and you - keep bailing him out, he will never improve.

I was in your situation years ago. He was good-looking, funny and charismatic, but had no work ethic. I too felt scared at the thought of being alone and not being able to meet someone else, so I chose to stay.

Fast forward a few years... I ended up waking up most days feeling incredibly sad. We had a child together, but he never stepped up and provided anything for the family. I went back to work earlier than I had planned and stressed about money constantly. I resented him so much, anything that made me attracted to him disappeared. We were in a sexless relationship where I felt like I was his mother having to nag him about work/money.

All the reasons you've given for liking him could disappear when you end up truly resenting him. If you think you'll end up feeling bitterness towards him because of this, I would suggest leaving right now.

OP, you sound like a really caring person and you're obviously very conflicted about this. I would just say that although you are worried about feeling cold and shallow if you break up with him "just" over money, in actual fact what his attitude to money and work represents is complete lack of respect for you, his family, your relationship and your future.

You have asked him again and again to change, and not just for the sake of it but with good reasons. He has chosen to ignore you. Fundamentally, he has chosen short term, selfish needs over your mental wellbeing - this is obviously something that is important to you and he has completely disrespected that. I assume he knows your past etc as it sounds like you have a very close partnership, which makes it even more appalling that he has chosen to disrespect your hard work and just take advantage of how well you've done for yourself for his own gain.

I was in a very similar situation to you with my BF of 5 years at 26. He was very irresponsible with drinking, going out and didn't want to rent a flag together as didn't want to sacrifice the student flatshare lifestyle. Other factors at play that I won't go into detail on but i do understand. However the resentment that built up over his selfishness and lack of willingness to change despite how important this factor of our relationship was eventually soured the rest of our lives and I broke up with him. It was a very hard time for both of us but we are both now happily settled with other people and have had children, which I wouldn't have trusted him to do with me. So please don't let yourself get into the trap of thinking that you have to settle and compromise. If something is a dealbreaker for you, and as you can see by the responses on here money is a perfectly reasonable dealbreaker, then you need to act now while it's still relatively easy - no mortgage, no marriage, no kids.

I can absolutely see him coming home one day with a hugely extravagant engagement ring and then begging for money to get through the rest of the month!

Please walk away while you can. It gets so much harder when you're married and children involved. You can find someone else who loves you and will treat you like a partner not a cash cow!

Agree with everyone else. You cannot keep supporting him. You need to get rid.

I appreciate it's hard but I'm on my own with two children and that is harder!

Agree with PPs that ending the relationship would be best. He is a poor partner now and would be a poor father/partner to you as a mother.

If you want a good financial future you need your money for savings etc, it's wasted subsidising a freeloading slacker. Not financially responsible of YOU to subsidise him. Given your understandable desire for financial security and to have a nice place to live and things your decisions in the last four years to waste money on him are inconsistent.

Your reasons for staying are based on fear/uncertainty, and don't outweigh the obvious, huge negatives of staying. You are in your 20s: not meeting someone else nice in due course is an unrealistic fear.

Also, it wasn't a good idea to look to a bf's family, however nice, to be close and provide support. "In law" relations are usually contingent on the relationship continuing, and ultimately they are on his side, not yours. Better to build friendships independently of romantic relationships.

They don't change OP, my ex is 44 and still a parasite. The older he gets the more pathetic it looks.

Don't have babies with this man.