Boyfriend is financially irresponsible. Should i leave him?

[Liongirl111]

Hello,
First time posting as i really need some unbiased relationship/life advice on this matter.
I've been with my partner for 4 years. No kids and both in our mid/late twenties.
We are very much in love and generally get on well and rarely argue over anything other than one thing... Money!!
A bit of background is that i have come from a poor background where money was a real issue growing up and the cause of soooo much stress!! As i grew up without i was determined to make something of myself. I went to uni and qualified in a very good profession and have been on no less than 30k since 22 years old (through literal blood sweat and a lot of tears) and i am now in a very stable well payed job that requires a lot of hard work.
I also live down south so prices are also a lot higher if that makes a difference?

My partner on the other hand.. Grew up very well off. His parents were able to provide him with a very good lifestyle with 3 foriegn holidays a year and everything a child could dream of.. And they're the nicest most giving people I've ever met!!
However since the day ive got with him he has not held down a steady job longer than 6 months, has no qualifications, can't drive and wont learn and has no realistic ambitions to do well or better himself and spends his money in the most selfish and unreasonable ways despite any advice given to him. For example, he'll blow his wages within the first week on a playstation , take aways, games etc. Then he'll be begging me or his parents to lend his money as he's blown his wages and in his overdrafts accuring fees. Ill refuse to lend him money but someone else will (family or mates) or he'll sell his playstation. He'll even blow his food budget and then i have to pay for his meals. He literally gets to the point where he has 0 money and 0 food and three weeks till payday, so if i don't fees him then he would literally starve (well realistically he just goes and raids his parents cupboards at their house. Their not gonna let him starve for 3 week's). Then payday comes around and he does the exact same thing again!! Never learns!!

When we first got together i did overlook this as i realised that i am the other extreme in terms of having a well paid stable job at 22 and i know a lot of young people haven't got their careers and finances together like i did. But i did think that in a few years time he'd have it sorted or at least be working towards some qualifications?? But nope! Instead he has recently lost yet another job and is back on the job hunt. Sighh.. I'm really at my wits end!!

I have however made such a stupid mistake on my part.. After 2 years of being together i made the stupid decision of moving in together and renting a house. I honestly thought us living together would give him some responsibility and a kick up the bum and he'd change. In a way he did.. He no longer walks out of jobs if he doesnt like them and holds them down until he is basically sacked (being late, being on his mobile etc). Again, i really would not expect him to be on anywhere near the same salary as me and him being on minimum wage doesn't bother me.. Its the lack of bloody work ethic and responsibility that grates me!!

All of this really makes me worry about the future.. If i were to become pregnant then i would have no choice but to go back to work full time and not even just because i earn more but because he'd have us down the shitter otherwise.

I have tried everything to help him with his finances.. Making him spreadsheets, taking through his budgets.. At one point i even got his full wage given to me and i split it into 4 weeks and gave him it weekly to stop the impulsive spending but that didnt work as he'd blow the weekly spends that same day and beg for the week afters money due to overdraft fees!!

His parents know exactly how he is and they try and talk to him and kick him into touch but it doesn't work. And why would it? He knows that if he loses his job then ill just pay the bills (i have no choices really do i? Can't let myself get into arrears because of him). And even if i took a stand and didn't pay a bill, i really dont think it would bother him as in his mind worst case scenario is we'd get evicted and just move in with his mum and dad!! They have a nice big ass house with plenty of food and nice things so there would be no punishment or real consequence for him i suppose!

His attitude towards money/work is really turning into a deal breaker and im starting to feel resentful. He has everything growing up and i had nothing. I would have killed for his opportunities but he's not bothered with a single one. Yet i am the one essentially supporting him despite having the poorer start in life. I feel like if anything it should have been the other way around?

Also i must add his siblings are the complete opposite to him and are all working well paid jobs and been to uni, so it can't be his parents spoiling him as the cause?

So why am i with him?? Because every other aspect of our relationship is perfect. He is very loyal and loving. Treats me so well im every other aspect. We both fancy each other loads still and are very connected emotionally. I adore his family, i feel like they're my own and he adores mine.

I can't imagine breaking up with someone purely over money when there are no other issues. It sounds shallow and cold. But at the same time, can you honestly have a long term relationship with marriage and children in the future, with someone who can't/wont hold down a steady job?!

This guy isn't nice at all, is he? :(

He's got charm. But basically he's a user and a manipulator - to you, his parents, everyone.

No point looking for a reason for someone to be a bad apple like this - differnet from his siblings, not the product of his parents. He'll always be like this and he'll use his charm to make sure he always has someone to cushion him, like he does to you. He's a cocklodger.

Don't let him ruin your life. Dump him, and honestly you will look back and be able to see just how bad he is - it isn't just money. He's a scammer. Don't let things like losing his parents hold you back. Move forward and onto better things - you will never regret it.

Agree, this isn't small, and I think it's a deal-breaker. As others have said, it's more than 'just money', although that in itself is a huge issue if your fundamental approaches and values are different. Renting together has been good chance to test the water but no way would I continue in this relationship, given what you've told us. Hard to walk away from all that's good, but the downsides are very big indeed and will only get worse down the years, especially if you have children, as you already know. He

Maybe you should show him this thread? Show him how you are feeling and how others perceive him. Good luck.

Op - you don't sound cold or calculating at all. You sound as though you have finally reached the end of this road overly supporting this man. Of course there will be sadness because the road didn't end up where you thought it would and you've invested so much time and effort putting in signposts and he just kept on getting sidetracked.
As from today - your road is your own. [including the holiday road]
What would you like to do? Do you want to spend the time with him or do you want some time to yourself? [or with a friend] Any of these are possible - and lots of other choices that we might not even have thought of.
It's time to value yourself higher than anyone else.

As tempting as it might be to show him the thread (and i would have wanted to show my ex exactly what a tool people thought he was) i don't think it'll make a blind bit of difference. He doesn't want to change - the way he is is working out just fine for him. And when op ditches him he'll do exactly the same with someone else. OP needs to concentrate on herself and the next stage of her life - not trying to educate this loser.

He can't even manage his own laundry? So what does he do when he is in between jobs, play station and netflix by any chance?

I think you need to write off this holiday, I understand it is a lot of money that you would be 'throwing away' but I cannot see how you would enjoy it. Going alone is another option but how are you going to prevent him from coming, it doesn't sound like he will let you go easily.

It is going to be hard but you deserve someone who respects you and is an adult, equal partner.

Can you get your name off the joint tenancy agreement without leaving yourself open to paying all his bills if he won't leave?

You are his cash cow-I can't see his wanting to let your bank balance go out of his life in a hurry.

Holiday - either go by yourself, OR go with him but tell him emphatically that you won't pay for a single thing. Get up in the morning, do whatever you want to do without him. At some point towards the end tell him that he's moving out as soon as you get back.

From day one on your return, get all bills etc into your name, and make sure that his address is changed back to his parents. Drive his stuff there and leave it by the front door if you have to. Sever all ties.

Then do whatever it takes to cut him off. Change the locks (with landlord permission), block him from your phone, even get the police to remove him if he turns up. It doesn't matter if he's carrying flowers, if you've told him to go away then he's harassing you if he turns up. Just get rid. Stay somewhere else (preferably where he won't guess you're there) if you need to.

You're not being cold - he is. He's willing to suck every bit of time, money and love for you and still come back demanding more. He's a vulture. You're protecting yourself financially & emotionally so that you can have a real, loving relationship with someone else further down the line. That's not just sensible, but actually the most warm-hearted thing that you can do.

Be proud of yourself for achieving this.

I'd either go on holiday on your own or not go at all. Depending on how you booked it you may be able to get a partial amount of money back or at least change the date to when a friend may be able to go with you.
As much as he is a lazy idiot it's not fair to go on holiday knowing you'll break up with him afterwards. Also he doesn't deserve a holiday!

Hmm, I'm honestly not sure what to suggest (very, very glad, even relieved that you have seen the light)

I'd rule out taking him on holiday and paying 'one last time'. I think once you have spotted what he is like, it would be ally difficult to enjoy the holiday, while having him as a 'paid companion'. He doesn't sound like the type to go along with your way of doing things, in return, either.

I'd also be wary of breaking up, and then leaving him in your rented home while you are away, just in case.

Think I would try warning him that you will not be subbing him, you never know, he might worm some money out of his parents to enable him to pay his own way.

Tricky, though, either way.

Mostly, I would want to sort out the home, either get your name off the tenancy or have it transferred to your sole name (while avoiding getting locked into a new tenancy) and have split up. Get the room changed to a twin and then explain that you won't be subbing his holiday. I can see that sharing a room with him after breaking up might have its own kind of risks.

Note how he got a job within a few days when you broke up with him before and he wanted to win you back. He can do things, he just doesn't see the need to exert himself when you're around to shoulder the burden instead.

Of course he doesn't change his behaviour, there are no consequences when he doesn't.
I'm sorry, you're financially incompatible which is as important as being sexually compatible.

He sounds worse and worse. Agree with the PP who suggested you reflect on why you stayed with and sought to rescue a cocklodger like this; and feel it would be "cold" to end a relationship in these circumstances.

How much has the holiday cost you? Might be worth cutting your financial losses.

You could dump him now and tell him you don't wish to holiday with him and will not be subsidising him a penny if he insists on going. He may well agree not to go and you could then go alone.

If he does go, phone the accommodation, explain the situation and see if you can arrange a single room.

DO NOT go with him or pay for anything for him.

The holiday costs roughly 1.9k so not cheap!! Theres been so many arguments and tensiond because if this bloody trip. I dont want to give myself away by stating where im going but its the other side of the world and we have an overnight stop in a middle eastern country which wouldn't be particularly safe for me to go on my own as a single young female. I'm sure nothing would happen but i definitely wouldn't feel comfortable/confident.

I've had a massive think over how best to handle this situation. Knowing him as well as i do, once we break up it will have to be no contact. I will have to involve his parents also due to his behaviours attitudes. The only plans he has in life that he is certain of is to marry and have kids with me. No other goals or ambitions. Due to our long term relationship he pretty much thinks this is set in stone and i wouldn't leave him after all Ive invested and put up with. Therefore hes not gonna take this lying down. For him thats his entire future gone. Don't get me wrong hes not a threat physically or anything, but I wouldn't be surprised if i would have to move as i know for a fact he'd turn up constantly until we 'sorted it'. Therefore if we were to go on this holiday with a break up in sight he would kick up holy hell crying and begging until i would say 'yeah sure we'll try again.'
Also because of his character and ways, I have to be more than 100% this is the end. There will be no possibility of him coming back.
Right now in his mind everything is fine meanwhile im planning to leave which makes me feel terrible. Knowing he's gonna have such a break down is terrible. Its gonna take so much emotional strength from me to get through this. I will have no one to lean on and support me through it when it all kicks off. I do have very good friends but due to their hectic lifestyles and families i will probably be lucky to see them once/twice a week. I must really dig down and find the strength within me to end this and prepare for such a deep pain I've not felt before.

Since i left home i was at uni living with what became my best friends all day every day. Then whilst graduating and getting my own flat id just met him so he and his family were always there for me to pop over whenever and hed stay at mine most nights. So really I've never had to really face up to the fact that i have no family. Although im very proud of my career, having no support makes it bittersweet in that i have no one to appreciate it with me or fall back on when times get tough.

Not only will i be heart broken but I'll also be alone. It's the latter that worries me the most if I'm honest.

I really think you would benefit from some counselling to help you face your fear of being alone and gather the strength to end this unhealthy relationship.

I was sorry but not surprised to read that you had a difficult childhood and don't have family support. I do think that explains why you've stayed with him for so long. It must be hard but I do think you need to gather your resources and strength. I'm sure you'll find a good partner and have a family of your own one day - but not with him.

You're bright, intelligent & have carved out a great career for yourself, with the rewards your endeavours deserve. You need someone to enhance your life, not drag you down

Should i tell his parents before i do it, or do it then talk to them after on the reasons to why and how he needs to be out?

A rough guide in my head is:
Go on holiday, come back and tell him that us being together those two weeks made me realise how incompatible we are and how our differences can't be resolved. Then tell him i think its best we split. I'll ask him if he wants to stay in the house or for me to move out? He'll more than likely say hes staying etc. Then I'll get some stuff and go to my friends that night. Ill then go to his parents the next day when hes not there. Tell them its serious and that i am more than happy to stay at my friends for the next week or two to give them time to get his stuff out or ill move my stuff out amd find a new place (they'll say hes coming back to theirs as he cant afford it im guessing). Ill then give a date two weeks from then that i want his stuff out and his keys back. I'll even offer to foot the moving bill so they know im serious and it's not a game/dramatic argument.
Once hes out and i got the keys back ill block him on all social media and start rebuilding my life.

However if i dont go on the holiday i need a whole new plan as they go to mexico whilst we were due to go away and without his parents assisting him to move and trying to stop him contacting me he's free to refuse to move out and harass me non-stop.

Realistically i need his parents on board as they will be the adults on his behalf in sorting through his bills and organising his stuff being removed. Without them he will just follow me around 24/7 until they get back and intervene.

Whats your thoughts?

He sounds like he has never really grown up, and because there has always been someone to pick up the pieces. I fear that unless he is left to sort himself out he will never grow up and take responsibility.

My thoughts are:
Don't go on holiday with him
Talk to your landlord about ending the tenancy or taking one of you off the tenancy agreement
Tell him it's over, decide together who will stay and who will go (don't just let him decide, what do you want?) and then tell the landlord
One/both of you move out and you cut all contact

His parents don't have to have anything to do with it, he is a grown man FFS, even if he doesn't act like one. He knows how to be an adult, he just chooses not to be, and you and his parents enable him.

I'm currently watching a relative in your situation experiencing this but further down the line - she's just gone back to work with a 12 week old, after working up to the last possible moment despite complications with the pg because her DP couldn't get his act together and get a stable job to support them despite pushing mid-30s and having a decade of warnings from her. She's the cleverest person I know and it makes me so angry for her to be treated with such disrespect. You've done so well - don't let anyone drag you down. Do what's best for yourself.

AnotherEmma i completely get where yoir coming from however its not straight forward in breaking up with him from his part. Most normal adults would although be upset would eventually accept it once realising it's over and although miserable would go stay with a friend, start arranging the split, finances etc. He on the other hand does not have that normal pride and copinh mechanisms others do. I can gurantee he will literally cry and beg and refuse to leave until its sorted. Even if that meant turning up at my work everyday and refusing to leave.
An example of this is our last blow up. He'd just spent all his money and was in his overdraft. There was no food in the cupboard and overdraft fees were accuring. I literally hit the roof as we had 2 and a half weeks till pay day and i would have to pay for 2 and a half weeks worth of meals and give him money for overdraft. He had done the exacg same thing 2 months prior and it caused me such distress and he promised he wouldn't do it again. I was that angry i grabbed some clothes, got in my car and went to my friends house to get away from him as he refused to leave. Anyway he rang and rang and rangggg! So i turned my phone off. He then started continuously calling my best friend begging to speak to me to the point she turned hers off. I was mortified. In the morning at about 5am i switched my phone back on and it immediately rang. He had been calling me non stop through the night waiting for me to switch my phone switched back on!!!
The next day i had to go back home after work as my friend was going away and he was doing the usual tears and begging. He had even not gone into work that day with stress!!! This is also one of many times i had tried to end it due to his spending. As i now know the cycle will not change. Ever. The tears dont mean a thing.

If he's like that over arguments and me going away for a night, what will he be like when its a proper break up?!

£1.9k of your money? That's worth losing to avoid this dragging on a few months IMO. See if you can get any partial refunds.

You could end the relationship, give notice and move out immediately, and write off the month's rent too.

Cheap compared to more time wasted with him.

If he contacts you constantly - block him.
If he repeatedly turns up at your workplace - report him to the police for harassment.
If he refuses to leave your home after he has been removed from the tenancy agreement - call the police.

It actually is simple once you make the decision and stick to your guns. You have to block and report him. Don't let him manipulate you.

(The tenancy will be the difficult part, of course, and that's why you need to talk to your landlord. You absolutely must end it so both of you leave, or get one name removed - probably easier to remove yourself so you can move out.)

Once you make the break, if he starts up these bullying tactics you need to play hardball. Block his number on your phone. Get your workplace security involved if you have to. Make sure he doesn't know where you're living so he can't turn up at 3am and lean on your doorbell. Restrict all communication to email and only respond to emails that actually need responded to (e.g., stuff about bills etc, although it sounds like you were doing all that anyway).

It's an absolute nightmare isn't it. I've been there myself and at one point I gave in purely because I felt so responsible for the level of harassment he was subjecting my housemates to. Giving in is not a sustainable solution though as you have also found OP so stick with it this time! Make it as clean and quick a break as possible