Boyfriend is financially irresponsible. Should i leave him?

[Liongirl111]

Hello,
First time posting as i really need some unbiased relationship/life advice on this matter.
I've been with my partner for 4 years. No kids and both in our mid/late twenties.
We are very much in love and generally get on well and rarely argue over anything other than one thing... Money!!
A bit of background is that i have come from a poor background where money was a real issue growing up and the cause of soooo much stress!! As i grew up without i was determined to make something of myself. I went to uni and qualified in a very good profession and have been on no less than 30k since 22 years old (through literal blood sweat and a lot of tears) and i am now in a very stable well payed job that requires a lot of hard work.
I also live down south so prices are also a lot higher if that makes a difference?

My partner on the other hand.. Grew up very well off. His parents were able to provide him with a very good lifestyle with 3 foriegn holidays a year and everything a child could dream of.. And they're the nicest most giving people I've ever met!!
However since the day ive got with him he has not held down a steady job longer than 6 months, has no qualifications, can't drive and wont learn and has no realistic ambitions to do well or better himself and spends his money in the most selfish and unreasonable ways despite any advice given to him. For example, he'll blow his wages within the first week on a playstation , take aways, games etc. Then he'll be begging me or his parents to lend his money as he's blown his wages and in his overdrafts accuring fees. Ill refuse to lend him money but someone else will (family or mates) or he'll sell his playstation. He'll even blow his food budget and then i have to pay for his meals. He literally gets to the point where he has 0 money and 0 food and three weeks till payday, so if i don't fees him then he would literally starve (well realistically he just goes and raids his parents cupboards at their house. Their not gonna let him starve for 3 week's). Then payday comes around and he does the exact same thing again!! Never learns!!

When we first got together i did overlook this as i realised that i am the other extreme in terms of having a well paid stable job at 22 and i know a lot of young people haven't got their careers and finances together like i did. But i did think that in a few years time he'd have it sorted or at least be working towards some qualifications?? But nope! Instead he has recently lost yet another job and is back on the job hunt. Sighh.. I'm really at my wits end!!

I have however made such a stupid mistake on my part.. After 2 years of being together i made the stupid decision of moving in together and renting a house. I honestly thought us living together would give him some responsibility and a kick up the bum and he'd change. In a way he did.. He no longer walks out of jobs if he doesnt like them and holds them down until he is basically sacked (being late, being on his mobile etc). Again, i really would not expect him to be on anywhere near the same salary as me and him being on minimum wage doesn't bother me.. Its the lack of bloody work ethic and responsibility that grates me!!

All of this really makes me worry about the future.. If i were to become pregnant then i would have no choice but to go back to work full time and not even just because i earn more but because he'd have us down the shitter otherwise.

I have tried everything to help him with his finances.. Making him spreadsheets, taking through his budgets.. At one point i even got his full wage given to me and i split it into 4 weeks and gave him it weekly to stop the impulsive spending but that didnt work as he'd blow the weekly spends that same day and beg for the week afters money due to overdraft fees!!

His parents know exactly how he is and they try and talk to him and kick him into touch but it doesn't work. And why would it? He knows that if he loses his job then ill just pay the bills (i have no choices really do i? Can't let myself get into arrears because of him). And even if i took a stand and didn't pay a bill, i really dont think it would bother him as in his mind worst case scenario is we'd get evicted and just move in with his mum and dad!! They have a nice big ass house with plenty of food and nice things so there would be no punishment or real consequence for him i suppose!

His attitude towards money/work is really turning into a deal breaker and im starting to feel resentful. He has everything growing up and i had nothing. I would have killed for his opportunities but he's not bothered with a single one. Yet i am the one essentially supporting him despite having the poorer start in life. I feel like if anything it should have been the other way around?

Also i must add his siblings are the complete opposite to him and are all working well paid jobs and been to uni, so it can't be his parents spoiling him as the cause?

So why am i with him?? Because every other aspect of our relationship is perfect. He is very loyal and loving. Treats me so well im every other aspect. We both fancy each other loads still and are very connected emotionally. I adore his family, i feel like they're my own and he adores mine.

I can't imagine breaking up with someone purely over money when there are no other issues. It sounds shallow and cold. But at the same time, can you honestly have a long term relationship with marriage and children in the future, with someone who can't/wont hold down a steady job?!

You are not compatible.

Find a nice, hard working man who shares the same values as you do.

Op my ex was exactly the same. We seperated 5 years ago and he's still the same. I really resented it and felt like his mother which is the least sexist thing ever. Id ditch, he does t respect you or himself.

My xh was the same (without the rich parents). We didn't have dc thank god. Nothing I said or did had any impact. He honestly believed I was obsessed with money and it was me who had the problem. Not him. When he was writing cheques 2 days before payday for a 'treat' because he was at his overdraft limit and cheques wouldn't clear until his wages were in.
Imagine your life with dc. And as a single parent when you've had enough. No maintenance. Working f/t and juggling all the bills and childcare. Him Disney Dadding with the ILs money.

You would not be breaking up with him because you value money too highly OP. You would be breaking up with him because you deserve peace of mind and stability.
It is his attitude to money that is causing a lack of stability, not your attitude

What sort of jobs is he getting? He seems to get them easily if he wants to, and with no qualifications and probably no reference if he's been sacked previously.

Thank you so much for all your replies. I'm on my lunch break currently and i feel so emotional reading them all. They all confirm what i currently know and have been in denial about.

So i suppose i should update on where we stand currently so you can advise me on how i can move forward as painlessly as possible...

So currently we have a 2 week holiday booked and paid off abroad. This was booked last year with the view that it'll there was so much time to pay it off amd save that it was almost fool proof. Again me making a stupid mistake. We've never been able to go away together unless with his parents to their place due to his unreliability and me being an idiot and wanting to be like other young couples traveling thought this would be the safest way financially to go away independently from his mum and dad.
So the holiday was finally paid off month before last after me nagging amd nagging him every month to pay bits off on his payday (he actually missed a month due to his spending so had to pay double the next month leaving him broke and back to begging). The holiday is finally paid off and he goes and loses job again.
Now for some reason I've not panicked or kicked off this time. Not worried about the bills that are due or the holiday we are about to adventure on. Ive not even nagged him about quickly finding another job. I knew this would happen. I ignored my gut instinct. He only has a small amount of spending money saved (in my savings account to stop the temptation) that wont get him through the 2 weeks and we wont be able to travel to our planned activities or go sight seeing. However despite this I'm not upset or stressing like i usually would be. Instead I'm grieving and confused.
At the end of the day I'm financially stable so although it's infuriating that yet again I'm footing the damn bill i feel as though this will be the last and final bill i ever pay for him.

I've considered friends i could take instead but none of them can afford to buy him out of the holiday and dont have the annual leave days left to take. So im stuck in the fact that theres this holiday we've saved years for (I've nagged years for) and our relationship really is coming to an end around the same time. So I'm stuck on what to do? I think that i should still go as we get on well and a lot of money and plannkng has gone into it on my part. However i need to view it as our last and only. Everytime we go out to eat and i pay the bill, everytime we can't do something or go somewhere, will be more and more nails in the coffin. I don't even feel angry thinking about it because i know by the second week I'll be so ready for the breakup without his parents putting financial plasters over everything. When we get back i then need to make our break up plans of him moving out.

He is currently applying for jobs and when i get home from work every night he asks me to look over his cv and asks which story he can makeup about his last job as to why it ended (despite his many many jobs he still has no reliable references due to hos carelessness). I don't entertain it anymore.

Last night he rang me at 5pm just as i was leaving work, begging me to take him to a job interview for 6pm the other side of the city. I took him and waited in the car, afte4 an hour he finally rings to say he's staying there until 8pm and can i wait in the car until then?! Baring in mind i'd been at work all day, still hadn't had tea or a shower and had work again today. I told him no chance and went home. He then rang his dad to come pick him up!! Literally like a child! It was at that point that i posted on this site as i knew it couldn't continue.

So what do you all think about this upcoming holiday? It also buys me some time to make plans for things when we get back. Me kicking him out is all good and well for him as he'll go back to the life of riley with his mum and dad but i on the other hand will be left to sort everything practically and emotionally, so i need to look after myself.

I feel like i sound so cold and calculating typing this. I'm really not and do take full responsibility that i have allowed it to get to this point. Even brought some of it upon myself with this damn holiday!!

When is this holiday?

Split up now. Say he can still come on the holiday if he wants but you won't be paying for any of his meals or activities. As he doesn't have that money himself he can either choose to borrow that money from his parents or not go. If he tags along, see if you can switch to a twin room. Breakfast together but do your own things during the day. If not, go and have a fabulous holiday on your own and while enjoying yourself start planning your new free life.

My advice would be to go on holiday by yourself or to take someone (anyone) else. You just need someone who has the time to go, they don't have to pay for the whole thing as it's already been paid for - and you would have been subsidising him anyway. Yes he's paid some of his share but tbh that's peanuts compared to how much you've paid for him over the years.

I don't think you should go with him. You are just delaying the inevitable. It won't be a fun holiday if you spend the whole time resenting him or torturing yourself with "should I shouldn't I" (break up with him). If you have a good time it will weaken your resolve and if you have a shit time it will, well, be shit.

I think the fact that you've never managed to go on holiday together without help from his parents until now says it all really.

Yep go. You Can't build a life with someone who has a different attitude to money. Too much stress and resentment builds as it's a massively important.

I'd go by myself. Utter bliss. You can suit yourself and please yourself and do some deep soul searching, read all the books, meet new people, whatever you like the whole time!

Emma If he has actually paid for his half of the actual flights and hotel, which OP says he has, don't think she could actually stop him per se. I would hope that by splitting now and saying he'll need to find all his spending money will probably result in him not being able to go, which would be ideal. His parent might lend it to him, in which case...

My ex and I had a holiday booked for 6 weeks after we split up. No one stupidly expensive, neither of us would have lost a fortune. We contacted the hotel, switched to twin rooms, did own things during the day but did breakfast in the morning just to sort of provide a bit of company. We were fine. But neither of us were the OP's OH!

This holiday is in a few weeks time i must add!! Less than a month x

Depends if the holiday is very soon or not?

Oh, cross post, sorry!

I hope his name is not on the mortgage.

Look there's nothing worse than going on an expensive holiday you've paid for and being dumped on your return.

Trust me, Ive been there. Turns out the guy had been "not feeling it" for a good month before departure but didn't do anything cos our tickets were non refundable. So we went on the holiday, I was oblivious, we held hands strolling along, we explored, we laughed, we had sex.......and he dumped me a week after we got home.

The realisation that he had been planning it all along made me feel like a used condom. I never spoke to him again. Saw him at a wedding years and years later and I blanked him dead.

Please don't do what he did. I didn't deserve it, and despite his faults, it doesn't sound like your bloke does either.

No we live in privately rented. His name is also on the tenancy but that does not bother me as he wouldnt be able to afford living there without me so if he doesnt want to move out and plays up then I'm more than happy to find somewhere else amd let him run it to the ground. But he's too dependant on others to do that. No way he would cope with doing his own laundry and having an empty fridge.

His parents are also away in mexico whilst were away so that plays a part. He is very dramatic when it comes the the relationship. I tried to split after a year or so or dating and he turned up at my work with flowers and gifts. Kept coming to my flat daily ringing the door bell and crying. Endless phone calls.. Quickly got himself a job as well in those few days and swore blind he'd change and seen the error of his ways. I truly believed him due to his dramatics that he was over acting like a child with work/money. After 6 months of course he was back to his usual ways but by then o was too emotionally invested to let myself walk away! So i know for a fact that when the end comes he's gonna be very very dramatic in every aspect as it worked last time and now he's got a lot more to lose with the house and lifestyle. I might have to stay with a friend that first week or so.

Have you talked to him about how this makes you feel? Fair to say example of holiday when you been planning and saving for a year and he's wasted money instead. This will be what ever family holiday is like. If he's willing to put big boy pants on and see the problem I'd give holiday a go. If he really can't see what fuss is about I'd be tempted to call it quits and offer not go or get twin rooms, as been suggested. Then go spend what you like and enjoy yourself instead of doing nothing because he's broke.

It's not the money, if he was just low paid totally different. He's just wasted it all with no regard to how effects you.

I tried to split after a year or so or dating and he turned up at my work with flowers and gifts. Kept coming to my flat daily ringing the door bell and crying. Endless phone calls..

This is the man-child script, op. Mine did these things too! You're expecting it, so be strong.

I must admit I did actually give in to the emotional pressure at one point and there was a tearful reunion. The VERY NEXT MORNING (thankfully we hadn't had sex, but he'd stayed over) he said to me that the girl he was currently seeing (!!) would be very upset if they split up and maybe we should just keep things as they were I was initially too shocked to say anything other than 'Err, ok' but later on that day I called him and gave him hell. I made him cry. It was great.

He tried it on again after that but my eyes had been well and truly fucking opened.

Your eyes have been opened too OP - don't listen to a word he says. He will overcome his heartbreak and find someone else to sponge off, in time.

Shatners
I was going to say he doesn't sound like the type to be amicable and respectful during one last couple's holiday when they know they're breaking up - and that was before I read the OP's update!

OP, even more than before, do not go on this holiday with him. And be very wary of moving out of your rental place and leaving him behind - as you're both on the tenancy agreement, you will be liable to pay rent and bills even if you move out. You will need to talk to your landlord about ending the tenancy completely or getting your name taken off.

Could you go on the holiday on your own? It sounds like something you really want to do and it would be such a shame to have it ruined by his twattery poor organisation.

You really don't sound cold and calculating. You sound generous, insightful, responsible and competent and I urge you to sack this overgrown toddler off asap. Once you get back the time and energy you are wasting on him you will be able to put it towards properly enjoying life in the company of genuinely like-minded people.

Cross-post. YY to what AnotherEmma said.

I'd an ex like this too
Seen his wage as his spending money and everyone else's was to pay the bills.

An unplanned pregnancy didn't change him I'd to pay the rent bills n food while he blew entire wage on an Xbox and games! Etc.

Holidays were also only with his parents. He'd have his money for his social life and they'd buy his food all planned in his own head.
It all boiled down to his attitude and lack of respect for others.
The one holiday together without his parents I spent budgeting daily for food shopping while he slept off his hangovers in time for next nights drinking.

In end he moved home on promise of money from his parents while I just carried on supporting DC solely. Took awhile for him to accept I wanted to end relationship as it wasn't even one anymore. I too had the late night doorstep begging but I just couldn't return to the same shit of 'I'll pay for dc while you have own life in parents house'

Getting a penny in maintenance has been a struggle took almost a decade after spilt to get any his excuse being that" I'd only spend it on social life"

Get out now before while you can I'd even go as far as ending joint tenancy getting own place just for post break up sanity.
You could inform him before holiday and let him choose to opt out as you won't be paying an extra penny beyond your own food and activities.