Boyfriend is financially irresponsible. Should i leave him?

[Liongirl111]

Hello,
First time posting as i really need some unbiased relationship/life advice on this matter.
I've been with my partner for 4 years. No kids and both in our mid/late twenties.
We are very much in love and generally get on well and rarely argue over anything other than one thing... Money!!
A bit of background is that i have come from a poor background where money was a real issue growing up and the cause of soooo much stress!! As i grew up without i was determined to make something of myself. I went to uni and qualified in a very good profession and have been on no less than 30k since 22 years old (through literal blood sweat and a lot of tears) and i am now in a very stable well payed job that requires a lot of hard work.
I also live down south so prices are also a lot higher if that makes a difference?

My partner on the other hand.. Grew up very well off. His parents were able to provide him with a very good lifestyle with 3 foriegn holidays a year and everything a child could dream of.. And they're the nicest most giving people I've ever met!!
However since the day ive got with him he has not held down a steady job longer than 6 months, has no qualifications, can't drive and wont learn and has no realistic ambitions to do well or better himself and spends his money in the most selfish and unreasonable ways despite any advice given to him. For example, he'll blow his wages within the first week on a playstation , take aways, games etc. Then he'll be begging me or his parents to lend his money as he's blown his wages and in his overdrafts accuring fees. Ill refuse to lend him money but someone else will (family or mates) or he'll sell his playstation. He'll even blow his food budget and then i have to pay for his meals. He literally gets to the point where he has 0 money and 0 food and three weeks till payday, so if i don't fees him then he would literally starve (well realistically he just goes and raids his parents cupboards at their house. Their not gonna let him starve for 3 week's). Then payday comes around and he does the exact same thing again!! Never learns!!

When we first got together i did overlook this as i realised that i am the other extreme in terms of having a well paid stable job at 22 and i know a lot of young people haven't got their careers and finances together like i did. But i did think that in a few years time he'd have it sorted or at least be working towards some qualifications?? But nope! Instead he has recently lost yet another job and is back on the job hunt. Sighh.. I'm really at my wits end!!

I have however made such a stupid mistake on my part.. After 2 years of being together i made the stupid decision of moving in together and renting a house. I honestly thought us living together would give him some responsibility and a kick up the bum and he'd change. In a way he did.. He no longer walks out of jobs if he doesnt like them and holds them down until he is basically sacked (being late, being on his mobile etc). Again, i really would not expect him to be on anywhere near the same salary as me and him being on minimum wage doesn't bother me.. Its the lack of bloody work ethic and responsibility that grates me!!

All of this really makes me worry about the future.. If i were to become pregnant then i would have no choice but to go back to work full time and not even just because i earn more but because he'd have us down the shitter otherwise.

I have tried everything to help him with his finances.. Making him spreadsheets, taking through his budgets.. At one point i even got his full wage given to me and i split it into 4 weeks and gave him it weekly to stop the impulsive spending but that didnt work as he'd blow the weekly spends that same day and beg for the week afters money due to overdraft fees!!

His parents know exactly how he is and they try and talk to him and kick him into touch but it doesn't work. And why would it? He knows that if he loses his job then ill just pay the bills (i have no choices really do i? Can't let myself get into arrears because of him). And even if i took a stand and didn't pay a bill, i really dont think it would bother him as in his mind worst case scenario is we'd get evicted and just move in with his mum and dad!! They have a nice big ass house with plenty of food and nice things so there would be no punishment or real consequence for him i suppose!

His attitude towards money/work is really turning into a deal breaker and im starting to feel resentful. He has everything growing up and i had nothing. I would have killed for his opportunities but he's not bothered with a single one. Yet i am the one essentially supporting him despite having the poorer start in life. I feel like if anything it should have been the other way around?

Also i must add his siblings are the complete opposite to him and are all working well paid jobs and been to uni, so it can't be his parents spoiling him as the cause?

So why am i with him?? Because every other aspect of our relationship is perfect. He is very loyal and loving. Treats me so well im every other aspect. We both fancy each other loads still and are very connected emotionally. I adore his family, i feel like they're my own and he adores mine.

I can't imagine breaking up with someone purely over money when there are no other issues. It sounds shallow and cold. But at the same time, can you honestly have a long term relationship with marriage and children in the future, with someone who can't/wont hold down a steady job?!

It's not just money though, It's a fundamental vast difference in attitudes and approaches to life. He might change, but it's about as likely as there being a blue moon.

He's as addicted to spending frivolously as others are to alcohol or drugs, he can't stop.

You didn't cause this, You are not responsible and you can't fix it.

Walk away and learn a tough lesson.

Another one saying walk away.
My husband is horrendous like this.

I talk to him about purchases & money & it just floats by him.

All life admin is left to me. It's stressful & really effects my mental Health.

What we do is both salaries go into joint, all bills come out of joint & then equal spends is transferred into own accounts.
DH doesn't have joint bank card & doesn't use internet banking so no access to joint.
If he spends all his spends on whatever it doesn't effect bills etc so I don't have to worry.
It's the only way.

Thank you for your responses.
I guess I've always been so hopeful that he would change especially once moving in together and having household responsibilities.
When he works he pays bills and is very generous with cash. However i now refuse to let him pay for me in any aspect (meals, gifts etc), because the quicker his money goes the quicker he'll be asking to borrow it meaning I'm basically paying for myself anyway.

He acknowledges hes 'bad with money' and every new job he has hes determined to keep it but i always know deep down it'll go tits up at some point so just hope he keeps it long enough to contribute for a few months so i get a few months peace.

It also goes around in circles and i can't take a stand and cut him off financially completely. If i do and refuse to pay his overdraft fee (usually no more than a fiver), then the fees get higher and higher everyday meaning that when he does get paid it'll get eaten up in overdraft fees and were back to square 1 of him having no money and being on the beg and borrow.

I guess i just worry. I know plenty of women who's husbands cheat, lie and are really mean spirited. Whereas my partner despite the financial issues is otherwise a nice person. I never have to worry about him being dodgy or mean. He even volunteers to help the homeless (ironic in a way). So i think to myself, if i were to leave him and end up with a financially secure man that cheated or was a twat would it be serving me right for throwing away a kind hearted man over money/jobs?
Probably sounds crazy but that does worry me.

In a way i sometimes do wish he'd so something bad and nasty so it would make it easier to walk away. Ive given him ultimatums and he'd quickly get anjob and be good and be good for a short while then were back to square one.

As I'm getting older I keep thinking that i can't leave it another 4 years as if nothing drastic changes in that time id then be in my thirties. Although not old, that's the age id ideally like to be married with babies.
Right now theres no hope in hell id have his baby or get married or id be basically back to where i was as a child.

I've worked so damn hard all my life with very little support (unstable upbringing) and feel as though I'm letting my emotions put me in potentially a situation that could undo all my hard work :(.

Why does he not wan to change and do better?! :(

I agree that you already know the answer to this. Do you want a lifetime of worry over finances and what daft thing he is spending his money on next when your children are in need. Get rid. He won't improve IMHO.

I know plenty of women who's husbands cheat, lie and are really mean spirited. Whereas my partner despite the financial issues is otherwise a nice person

That's a bad road to go down. "He's not as bad as others" means he's actually prety bad but you are minimising because its hard to accept.

Why does he not wan to change and do better?!
Because he has no need to. You are there to bail him out every time, and stay with him, so he feels this is ok with you.

Life can throw all sorts of curve balls. You might get ill, you might lose your job, you might want to have a baby. The most important thing in a long-term partner when you are in such a vulnerable situation is that they are a reliable adult who has your back.

What does your husband say to all this? Does he acknowledge the issue and try to change or is it all lip service?
When your upset how does he react?

My partner will literally cry and make all the promises in the world. Then a few months later where back to how it was!

Its just little things i resent now. Like how his parents paid for driving lessons which he stopped as he couldn't be bothered. Yet i had to work whilst at uni to pay for mine (it took 3 years from start to finish). And now he is able to reap the benefits of dating someone with a car and go places without putting in any work at all.

We go on lovely foriegn holidays thanks to his parents. I pay for myself and they pay for him as he'll lose his job after bookinh flights usually (we go with them to mexico where they have a beach house). The last time we went i was laying there thinking 'why would anybody work their ass off 40 hours a week for a job they dont really like when they can still go on holidays like this without the work?'. Even on holiday he'll blow whatever spending money hes saved within the first few days and his parents have to bail him out or it'll ruin the holiday being stuck in everyday and not doing the activities we've planned because he's got no cash.

His parents have also built themselves out of nothing and don't understand where he gets it from. His siblings have worked weekend jobs in their teens and gone on to have good careers and education and are financially independent from them.

I just don't understand the mentality!!

Sorry getting angry now!!

Would he go to a financial management course? (And pay for it himself?)

Another option might be to make him move out into his own flat, and beg his parents to cut him off for 6 months. Let him be hungry or bored or sell his own stuff for a while and see if it shocks him into reality. But that depends on his parents and friends backing you up.

Give him an ultimatum and a time limit, and if he doesn't stick to it, he doesn't love you enough to bother changing his habits. Sorry.

You are prepared to spend the best of your fertile years with this loser?!

How many jobs has he had since you have known him?

He is NOT kind hearted. He is being mean.

He has no respect for you. He lets you pay his way. He won't keep a job so that he can pay his own share. He won't learn to manage his spending so that he can pay his share reliably. That all comes down to one thing: he doesn't care what it does to you, your mental health, your bank balance. He's not thinking about you. He only cares about instant gratification.

Maybe he can do the easy stuff: say nice things, have a laugh, take turns doing the laundry but deep down he's not bothered about bleeding you dry.

You are obviously struggling with the idea that you would be splitting up over money or jobs. You have to get your head round the truth that you are splitting up because you want different things from life.

You are ambitious. He is not. You have a strong work ethic. He does not. You value independence. He does not. You want him to change his personality to become the boyfriend you wish you had. He does not want to change.

What would you have to do to split up? How long a notice period do you have on your place? How much stuff belongs to him?

I guess i just worry. I know plenty of women who's husbands cheat, lie and are really mean spirited. Whereas my partner despite the financial issues is otherwise a nice person. I never have to worry about him being dodgy or mean

But your partner keeps...

Spending all his money during the first week of the month.
"Begs" money from you and his parents.
Never stays in a job.

They sound pretty awful things to me!

Also does he make promises to stay in a job? Not spend all his money? Never to ask you to get him out of debt again? I bet he does. And he breaks these promises again and again.

Cocklodger alert.
Run for the hills OP, he'll bleed you dry.

However well meaning, he knows he can have a blow-out, because either you or his parents will come to,his rescue. Maybe he needs some tough love, like Mary suggests, but I appreciate that is easier said then done.

His parents are enabling him and as long as he's living with you he'll never get the reality check of having to pay bills and budget for food.
You've done so well at a young age - don't let him pull you down.
I would tell him you need your space and live apart to see if he will develop any responsibility living on his own (unlikely if his parents keep bailing him out). If you did that and didn't see a change in his attitude and behaviour in a few months walk away.

You've given it a good shot. You worked hard and have done well, and you have been kind and supportive. You did nothing wrong moving in together; it was a natural progression. He's not pulling in the same direction, and it's time to make a decision. Be proud of yourself. I wish you well.

don't get pregnant

Just how does he manage to spend all his money on holiday? You're all together, lying by a pool or going for a meal - how can he possibly be spending more than the rest of you? Does he literally walk away from you/the hotel and then spend money on crap and suddenly go 'oops'?

I believe that it happens, I'm just really confused about how. DH and I go on holiday, have a meal and hang out together, so we're both spending the same. Does he have a wormhole that he slips into another dimension where he has to pay to breath?

I agree with everyone else, don't waste any more years of your life with this loser. It's nit about money, it's about the fact he is a user with zero respect for you. Be honest with yourself, if something happened and you lost your job tomorrow, would he stick by you and support you through the hard times? Take on the responsibility for bills, etc? Would he fuck...

This is not an equal relationship. You are his mother. Please do not get pregnant and tie yourself to this man. And if you do don't expect any maintenance when you get sick if him and split.

To answer the question in the title: yes. You should have left him a long time ago. Do it.

"I guess i just worry. I know plenty of women who's husbands cheat, lie and are really mean spirited. Whereas my partner despite the financial issues is otherwise a nice person. I never have to worry about him being dodgy or mean. He even volunteers to help the homeless (ironic in a way). So i think to myself, if i were to leave him and end up with a financially secure man that cheated or was a twat would it be serving me right for throwing away a kind hearted man over money/jobs?
Probably sounds crazy but that does worry me."

Yes, it does sound crazy. It's not as if you have to choose between a man who's shit with money and a man who will cheat on you Plenty of men can hold down a job, manage their money responsibly and be good, faithful partners. Don't you think you could find a man like that? Do you have low self esteem?

I think you need to ask yourself some difficult questions - why have you stayed with him for so long despite all evidence that he is not boyfriend material, let alone husband or father material?

It's not shallow to want a partner who can hold down a job, contribute his share towards the bills and avoid running up debts. It's called real life.

My partner will literally cry and make all the promises in the world. Then a few months later where back to how it was!

Read that back and look at how pathetic he is. He's like a spoilt child.

KickAssAngel that made me laugh!!

They've been going there for years and know the area well. So he'll go ro the gym first thing as he's always done and then come back with one or two items he's bought from the shops that are cheap there and expensive back in the UK. Which is generally is fine as we all buy stuff over there thats cheaper. But this one or two things leads to 3 or 4 things that leads to 5 or 6 things over a period of a few days if you catch my drift. Then he'll recount his money after 5 days and two thirds of it is gone on pointless shit he's spent over those few days. Again I dont want to mother him and want to also enjoy my holiday. I dont want to be following him to the gym every morning incase he spends all his money.
But last time it all kicked off and i ended up in tears as he'd blown all his money and wanted to withdraw from his bank after blowing his spends as he'd just been paid which would have had a knock on effect on the finances once we got home.

Actually writing this down on this thread is really making me see how crazy it is!!!

Dear lord op. He is a loser. He really is. This will comletely drain you. If his parents werent well off would you put up with this shot?

There was a thread, just yeaterday, about grown ups who still behave like children and are dependent on their parents. This is what you're living with. Only he's got his parents and you, so win win. For him, that is.

Not so great when he's 50 with no assets or anything and his parents no longer have the means to bail him out (or they've already spent his potential inheritance on his day to day stuff)

OK now imagine he's done the same thing except all your wages are going on childcare so you needed the money for food and to pay the mortgage and buy a warm coat for your dc because it's November and they've outgrown their old one.

He's a selfish idiot. Leave him to it.

Regardless of how lovely he is, you will have a terrible life with this man. You said it yourself, if you have kids together, he'll have you all down the shitter.