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Relationships

I'm going to end my relationship because DP is flash

352 replies

GlitterBallSacks · 24/07/2017 15:49

I've been with DP for three years. We live together and we're getting to that stage where we're thinking about the future. Aside from plans of marriage, children, houses etc., I feel we're fundamentally incompatible with our approach to money. I don't see how we can live a happy and fulfilled life together without one of us compromising hugely

Basically, DP thinks that because we're both "young professionals" we should live a particular sort of lifestyle involving expensive cars, exotic holidays and big houses. He wants people to think we're very well-off.

I think these things are a waste of money and I don't give a shit if people think we're wealthy or not. For the record, we're not all that well-off (more on this below).

Example: Our kettle broke. I saw one for £32 which would go perfectly in our kitchen. He agreed it'd go well but he wanted a top of the range Bugatti kettle costing £230. It wouldn't look as good as my £32 kettle but he wanted it because the expensive one was more "us" Hmm

Another example: We went to a wedding. I looked amazing if I do say so myself in a 60s-style dress. When asked where I got it, I replied honestly that it was £3.50 in the Primark sale. He was annoyed that I'd admitted to people I shop in Primark.

Anyhow, he thinks because we're "young professionals" we should have a particular type of lifestyle. Except, he earns less than half what I do. So when he says he wants us to have this lifestyle, what that really means is for him to enjoy that lifestyle which is coming courtesy of my wages. We have a joint account, that was a mistake. However, if we separate accounts I know he'll just put it all on credit card because he's completely desperate to convince people we're loaded.

We've talked, we've rowed, we've cried. I've realised over the last couple of weeks that he's not going to change but I don't want to be in a relationship where this is an issue. I've grown to see how unattractive it is that he's so desperate to impress and I've struggled to find him attractive enough to have sex with.

He knows something's wrong and I know it'll hurt him massively but I need to get out for my own wellbeing.

I don't know why I'm posting. Hand holding maybe.

OP posts:
PinkHeart5911 · 24/07/2017 15:53

Ahhh he would annoy me no end, what's with the keeping up with the Jones all about?

Bottom line is he can't have that "lifestyle" unless his earning the money to pay for it!

I'd tell him straight that his need to be "flash" and something he isn't is doing my head in and I don't believe his going to change so we've come to the end of the road.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 24/07/2017 15:53

You're going to end up terribly in debt if this continues.
It's all very well being flash if you have the cash to pay for it, but you don't.
£200 kettles don't make tea that tastes any different.

Brahms3rdracket · 24/07/2017 15:54

I couldn't live with someone that deluded and shallow tbh. I'd end it now and move on.

Justhadmyhaircut · 24/07/2017 15:54

Living a fake life is shit. . .
Be yourself and be happy. .
Leave him to his facade. .
Wine

HadronCollider · 24/07/2017 15:55

£230.00!!! I had no idea Kettles could be so expensive. What does it do besides boil water?

ChickenBhuna · 24/07/2017 15:55

Close your joint account OP. This will not end well.

Do you have an overdraft in place on it? I hope not.

Zephyr01 · 24/07/2017 15:56

"Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen [pounds] nineteen [shillings] and six [pence], result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pounds ought and six, result misery."

Mr Micawber from David Copperfield

To be honest, money is your biggest stress early in relationships. Trying to fund a 'showy' lifestyle will only increase that.

Bitchfromhell · 24/07/2017 15:57

Ltb.

You sound nice and sensible. He sounds like a twat.

Bluntness100 · 24/07/2017 15:58

I wonder what causes him to be like this. To want to delude others. Either way I don't think you can change him if you've tried all the talking that can be done. It is a fundamental incompatibility and he is likely to end up in serious debt. I think ending it now is the cleanest for both of you. I'm sorry,

GlitterBallSacks · 24/07/2017 15:58

Thanks everyone.

I know £230 for a kettle. I thought I was being extravagant getting one for £32- they're only £5 in Tesco Grin

We don't have an overdraft on the joint account. I'm going into the bank tomorrow to see what to do about the joint account.

OP posts:
Pallisers · 24/07/2017 15:59

you are fundamentally incompatible - sorry. I think you are doing the right thing in moving on.

Being on the same page about money is essential in forming a life together. And your values are very different. He sounds massively insecure to be honest.

Holidayhooray · 24/07/2017 15:59

If he's a good guy in many other respects, I'd suck this side up. It sounds a bit immature and in all likelihood he would grow out of it or at least in part.

bananafanana1 · 24/07/2017 16:00

This needs to be dealt with now before you commit. It will only come up again and again further along in your relationship.

An ex of mine used to do the same, brag about his fancy new watch or posh restaurants when he had £30k Credit Card debts.

I would suggest Relate can help you talk to each other about this. I do think its that serious to consider their help.

HadronCollider · 24/07/2017 16:01

I think you ought to split your accounts. What is the point of the lavish lifestyle if just one thing; either of you getting sick, redundancy, an emergency will leave you struggling with nothing to fall back on?. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. If you can't end it I think getting rid of your joint account is something you must do.

Fairylea · 24/07/2017 16:01

Shock He sounds really awful- so, so shallow!

BlondeB83 · 24/07/2017 16:01

Definitely close that account. As others have said, this will only end up in tears and lots of debt. Leaving him is the right decision.

bananafanana1 · 24/07/2017 16:01

And try putting in a percentage of each of your wages into the joint account. Then no one feels out of pocket? i,e both put in 50% of your wages - obviously depending on what is required for the outgoings of the joint account.

lanouvelleheloise · 24/07/2017 16:01

Oh God. The problem is that he is a colossal prat.

Seriously, no-one who matters will even notice what car you drive or what kind of house you live in! People who care about that stuff are shallow and superficial and generally stupid to boot. Living your life to win the approval, even envy, of others lacks integrity, honesty and strength and is a recipe for being unsettled, uncentred and very unhappy. You have the right idea. Follow your instinct.

InDubiousBattle · 24/07/2017 16:01

What kind of environment did he grow up in? A friend or mine was always very flash, similar to your dp, would always have a new car, the best phone, designer clothes, expensive make up etc and it was linked to growing up absolutely broke.

plantsitter · 24/07/2017 16:03

Even if he was loaded, wanting to be seen as loaded would do my nut. We have the '£50 quid for a bathmat??' conversation in our house often but that's because DH is a nice middle class boy who only really knows about John Lewis, not because he wants people to envy his £50 bathmat.

I know I couldn't live with it so I wouldn't blame you if you couldn't. Worth thinking about any future kids, too, and how fussy he might be about clothing brands etc, which really would drive me BONKERS.

InDubiousBattle · 24/07/2017 16:04

As an aside (and not wanting g to derail your thread op!)I just don't think people are that impressed by things like that now. Hardly anyone I know would bat an eyelid at someone shopping at aldi/Primary or whatever.

GlitterBallSacks · 24/07/2017 16:04

Bluntness I think it's a combination of things.

His parents are quite well-off but were incredibly tight with money when he was growing up.

His parents are disappointed that he doesn't have a better job and have told him this several times.

His brother has a well-paid job and does comfortably enjoy the type of lifestyle that DP thinks we should have.

I do also think he's self-conscious because I am paid a lot more than him and have a "professional" job but he doesn't. I should say, I have never ever made him feel this way but it's inevitable with his other insecurities about money.

OP posts:

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Katiekatie37 · 24/07/2017 16:06

That would really make me cringe too, very shallow. Why don't you separate your accounts?

NotAPuffin · 24/07/2017 16:07

Run like the (reasonably priced and not showy) wind.

elessar · 24/07/2017 16:07

My ex was like this, and it was one of the areas of incompatibility with us, although in fairness he earned very good money and didn't get himself into debt with it. It also wasn't the reason we broke up although I found it a bit annoying and pathetic - everything in our life was about how things looked from the outside, it was all about show, and brand names, and flashing the cash.

If everything else was great, it wouldn't in itself be a reason for me to end a relationship - but living beyond his means and wanting to use my money to support such frivolous things - I wouldn't put up with that.

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