I'm going to end my relationship because DP is flash

[GlitterBallSacks]

I've been with DP for three years. We live together and we're getting to that stage where we're thinking about the future. Aside from plans of marriage, children, houses etc., I feel we're fundamentally incompatible with our approach to money. I don't see how we can live a happy and fulfilled life together without one of us compromising hugely

Basically, DP thinks that because we're both "young professionals" we should live a particular sort of lifestyle involving expensive cars, exotic holidays and big houses. He wants people to think we're very well-off.

I think these things are a waste of money and I don't give a shit if people think we're wealthy or not. For the record, we're not all that well-off (more on this below).

Example: Our kettle broke. I saw one for £32 which would go perfectly in our kitchen. He agreed it'd go well but he wanted a top of the range Bugatti kettle costing £230. It wouldn't look as good as my £32 kettle but he wanted it because the expensive one was more "us"

Another example: We went to a wedding. I looked amazing if I do say so myself in a 60s-style dress. When asked where I got it, I replied honestly that it was £3.50 in the Primark sale. He was annoyed that I'd admitted to people I shop in Primark.

Anyhow, he thinks because we're "young professionals" we should have a particular type of lifestyle. Except, he earns less than half what I do. So when he says he wants us to have this lifestyle, what that really means is for him to enjoy that lifestyle which is coming courtesy of my wages. We have a joint account, that was a mistake. However, if we separate accounts I know he'll just put it all on credit card because he's completely desperate to convince people we're loaded.

We've talked, we've rowed, we've cried. I've realised over the last couple of weeks that he's not going to change but I don't want to be in a relationship where this is an issue. I've grown to see how unattractive it is that he's so desperate to impress and I've struggled to find him attractive enough to have sex with.

He knows something's wrong and I know it'll hurt him massively but I need to get out for my own wellbeing.

I don't know why I'm posting. Hand holding maybe.

I think this type of insecurity can also manifest in other problematic ways, like emotionally abusive behaviour. Not saying this is a certainty but definitely something to watch for. I think you're doing the right thing by leaving for sure.

My ex was like this. When we broke up and he moved out of my flat (thank god only mine) I worried about having less money due to not having his contribution. Little did I realise that his £300 per month barely scraped the barrell on what I spent on him and his steaks and king prawns. Yes that was for all bills and food. He moved back to his parents.

Thing is that when the money is flowing it is easy, but now when I have 2 kids in nursery and a mortgage on a house, money disappears a lot quicker. To have the added worry of money with someone who buys designer kettles is just very stressful. Luckily my DP is very frugal and we are very economically compatible.

OP well done for dealing with this rather than hoping it'll change. Bull by the horns and so on. Good luck.

We had a saying for people like your dp. Where I come from

All fur coat and no knickers

£230 for a kettle and I presume you are in rented.

I think his priorities are screwed.

He just doesn't think he's good enough so he has to express his "good enough ness" through buying the "right" thing. And I guess you'll be re affirming that self image by dumping him and sneering at his taste. Maybe if you could talk through those insecurities he'd be in a better place and you'll find a nice guy underneath all that?

Not a genuine person AT ALL by the sounds of it!

IHeartDodo I think the Kettle was just one example!

And it sounds like he MAY see you as a meal ticket if he is spending YOUR money on all these flashy things! Was it his idea Roger the joint account?

£230 ON A KETTLE?!

I have always said money cant buy you style!

There was a moment when my (now ex) husband announced from inside a new flash car that we now had a car befitting 'people like us'

I had just had our second baby and had other priorities. At that point I though 'my word you are a monumental prat!'

He had insisted in borrowing money on the house to by the car. Phenomenally stupid.

IME people like this have no gumption when the going gets tough.

Hooray and hurrah that we are no longer legally entwined and I am now with someone who shares my values on money (and life) and has got something about him.

ExH has now set up hipster home with hipster gf - they are made for each other!

Win win....

But it was a hard road. Don't be me. Get out now and find someone who will have your back in life. He is not it...

Quickly updating as I'm in the pub

We argued long and hard about the kettle. In the end he just ordered it (paid out of joint account). We argued again. He refused to see that it was about more than just the kettle- it was the principle.

I said above, I thought I was being a extravagant looking at one for £32!

The kettle still works but it really is just a kettle- nothing special

I'm a dentist, he's a store manager. He earns less than half of what I do.

I don't think he sees me as a meal ticket, I think he just thinks it's shared money and I'm totally not against this as long as you're both on the same page financially. It wouldn't matter that I earn lots more if we agreed on how to spent the shared money.

He's a kind, funny, lovely, loving man and that's what attracted me to him. I do love him in a way still but his attitude to impressing others is such a turn off physically and envisaging a life spent thinking about money (not as in not having enough, just that it's an issue) is making me fall out of love with him emotionally.

I should add, he doesn't say these flashy things outside or in front of people. Like, he won't say "Oh Glitter can you pass me my Gucci shoes, please" in front of people if we're heading out but he'll just casually get Gucci shoes out of the cupboard like it's the most normal thing in the world.

Not read all the posts but it would annoy me. Real people with money don't tend to show off. The owner of our stables is probably a millionaire but so down to earth u can chat away about stuff like cars breaking down being expensive or kids always asking for money then when u come away it hits u I am referring to an old banger she was referring to her daughters Ferrari lol. She buys designer stuff but also from next outlet store
Nobody would know how much u spent on a kettle and would probably think u were barking mad to spend that much I can see his attitude causing problems in the future either resentment from u paying for his lifestyle when u aren't bothered or him getting into debt trying to keep up with others

For a £230 kettle I'd expect it to wash up and sing a song whilst doing it! I agree that you sound incompatible - and further down the line with children this would be a nightmare!

Glitter "I don't think he sees me as a meal ticket"

But he has no problem spending your money on the most pointless overpriced item you could overpay for. Can a meal ticket mentality be far behind?

Get the joint account sorted before you tell him it's over. He's a gold plated cocklodger.

Is he doing anything to increase his earning potential?

You'll be well rid. Then return the bloody kettle. I do think £32 is a bit much frankly

It just doesn't sound compatible does it, as you said you need to be on the same page whether your income is £20k or £80k!

It's likely he'll keep spending beyond your means though if your income ever falls which is worrying

You will end up in a fuckload of debt because of him.
Cut off his supply with the joint account.
Cannot believe the cheeky sod thought it was ok to waste £200 on a bloody kettle.

He will fall on his arse if you leave him and he only has his own money.

Op are you renting or do you own your own home? Is he squandering money you can afford or money that should be saved as a deposit on owning a property?

Echoing what everyone else has said. Financial compatibility is essential for any relationship and you've said yourself that you are falling out of love with him.

I don't think there is any way back for you OP, once you get to this point. I do think you are right to call a halt now - it's not going to get any better.

Yanbu; he sounds utterly ridiculous!

Buy him a copy of Status Anxiety by Alain De Botton

Then leave him.