I'm going to end my relationship because DP is flash

[GlitterBallSacks]

I've been with DP for three years. We live together and we're getting to that stage where we're thinking about the future. Aside from plans of marriage, children, houses etc., I feel we're fundamentally incompatible with our approach to money. I don't see how we can live a happy and fulfilled life together without one of us compromising hugely

Basically, DP thinks that because we're both "young professionals" we should live a particular sort of lifestyle involving expensive cars, exotic holidays and big houses. He wants people to think we're very well-off.

I think these things are a waste of money and I don't give a shit if people think we're wealthy or not. For the record, we're not all that well-off (more on this below).

Example: Our kettle broke. I saw one for £32 which would go perfectly in our kitchen. He agreed it'd go well but he wanted a top of the range Bugatti kettle costing £230. It wouldn't look as good as my £32 kettle but he wanted it because the expensive one was more "us"

Another example: We went to a wedding. I looked amazing if I do say so myself in a 60s-style dress. When asked where I got it, I replied honestly that it was £3.50 in the Primark sale. He was annoyed that I'd admitted to people I shop in Primark.

Anyhow, he thinks because we're "young professionals" we should have a particular type of lifestyle. Except, he earns less than half what I do. So when he says he wants us to have this lifestyle, what that really means is for him to enjoy that lifestyle which is coming courtesy of my wages. We have a joint account, that was a mistake. However, if we separate accounts I know he'll just put it all on credit card because he's completely desperate to convince people we're loaded.

We've talked, we've rowed, we've cried. I've realised over the last couple of weeks that he's not going to change but I don't want to be in a relationship where this is an issue. I've grown to see how unattractive it is that he's so desperate to impress and I've struggled to find him attractive enough to have sex with.

He knows something's wrong and I know it'll hurt him massively but I need to get out for my own wellbeing.

I don't know why I'm posting. Hand holding maybe.

Hmmmm...my parents were 'tight' with money and frustrated me no end growing up. As an adult, I realise they didn't have much really and were just careful. I benefitted from what I consider a huge inheritance when my dad died which I wouldn't have had if they hadn't been 'tight'.

I am not sure it is 'shallow' so much as insecurity, particularly as you say his parents are at him to earn more. There is no shame in working for a living and being proud of that fact - which if those closest to you won't allow it, can result in huge frustration.

My git reaction is to say that this is something that might be fixed with counselling and a commitment on his part to understanding and dealing with his insecurities which are more than likely driving this silly behaviour.

Do you think it's worth a try?

Is it this one? The reviews are awful...

www.amazon.co.uk/Bugatti-VERA-Electronic-Kettle-Black/dp/B002BA51PG?tag=mumsnetforum-21

liquid He's the one that thinks of us as "young professionals". I guess I am (I'm a dentist) but I guess he's not. I think the label is a bit pointless really. We're 31 year old people with jobs, all this nonsense about "professionals" is rubbish really.

Ooh he's been had OP, you can get 'em for £98.99 on a Groupon, I just had a look. It's minging, isn't it - I could be worth a billion and I'd still not want it.

But seriously: he needs to snap out of it. It's a really pathetic attitude, and it's not like he's got actual reasons for wanting the more expensive things e.g. he actually likes it, it's all keeping up with the Joneses. And I can tell you as another actual successfull young professional couple we don't spend money like that.

If he's great in other ways I think it's time to explore him dealing with this through couples counselling and then some serious therapy on his own - you could convince him that all the rich young things are doing it! - but if he won't let this stuff go I think you might be right in calling time on the relationship.

Make sure you separate all your finances before ending it...

sounds familiar op. i had similar except it was about houses. i suggested he preferred to be skint and have an address than to compromise very very slightly on area and have some spare income.

asshole always acted as though the compromise was a choice between our house or the favelahs in Rio.. I tried to reason but got told no. Unfortunately I was weak and used to being undermined so i went along with it.
Cue still borderline negative equity 10 years later. We are no longer together. His constant minimising of legitimate concerns i had was so upsetting and resulted in us splitting.

My ex was like this. In fact, I could have written your post - the bits about him, at least. I got out, thank goodness.

Run woman! Run like the fucking wind and don't look back!

That's the one Isabella but ours is a vile shiny rusty orange.

I appreciate what you're all saying about counselling but I don't want to. I know that sounds awful but I just feel I need a clean break. I don't think he'd agree to counselling and even if he did, I wouldn't 100% trust it'd work or he'd stick to anything agreed.

I just want a clean break.
To be honest, this is terrible but I'm looking forward to being alone and not having to think about money or what I'm spending where.

Anyway, I'm off to a Zumba class then the pub

I'll update soon

You're very wise. Good luck.

You have nothing to feel guilty about! Leave the flashy, shallow git. He can have custody of the kettle

Does the kettle massage your shoulders? And polish your windows? And mow your lawn? And take the hairball out of the shower plug hole? And feed the fish? And do the ironing? If so, I'd reckon it's a good purchase.

I'm cringing so hard, I thought people existed who THOUGHT these things, like secretly wondering if a street corner would look nice on Instagram, but who actually say these things out loud? He's like he missed the memo he isn't 13 years old anymore opining on which trainers will get him the better quality friend.

Did he actually buy the kettle? I'd have ended it then. You can't have a future with people who buy £230 kettles. Nope nope nope.

But seriously. Imagine house-hunting with him. I know a couple of people who wanted a 'showy' house to impress, or keep up with, their wealthier friends and they are mortgaged to the EYEBALLS. Literally every penny that comes in goes on the mortgage and the bills and clothing and food has to go on the credit card. They can't have days out or treats and they're always stressed about it because one slip up, one emergency, it's all over.

Imagine the designer shoes he'll cram a baby's feet into. Imagine him telling your kids that only 'what others think' matters.

And to be honest I fear he sees you as a bit of a meal ticket - like he can convince you you have to live up to this utterly nonsense Instagram label of 'young professional' and you HAVE to buy these things. Like my mother, who is agog if I come home from a foreign trip without a suntan because "How will anyone know that you went?" He's hoping you'll see sense and buy him all the trinkets he desires, like a sweet little princess.

Deeply unattractive :( Like trying to shag a kids' cartoon character.

I'm sorry OP. Hope the breakup goes painlessly and he doesn't try and post a breakup selfie on Instagram while you're at it #brokenhearted #younglove #illwaitforu #neverloveagain #lovedandlost #notsoblessed

Good for you, its refreshing to see someone who has the strength to see when things aren't right and do something about it!

Op- so you want to end it then and no hope for you becoming more in agreement in the future?

There is your answer then.

FWIW, I knew a couple who had radically different approaches to money. The DH was old money, posh, family money etc and drove around in a 15 year old car and had holey sweaters. His DW (ex DW) used to brag about how much money they had. Her desire to keep up appearances put them into quite hideous debt. (She bragged how her wedding dress cost £35k .... really.)

She's since long moved on to her next meal ticket who can supply her with the life she thinks she deserves. He spent years paying off their debt and is now happily married (to my BF as it happens). One child.Teeny little cottage up north. They both work in jobs that are fairly average paid I think but he is ecstatic and said that he might have much 'less' but it is all theirs. Not the banks. Not the cc companies. You can sleep at night.

I think you're being very sensible with your decision to end the relationship. You hhave different values and that difference in values would only become more stark if you started a family together - and could leave you in trouble, financially (BTDT with an ex H who liked to spend money like it was going out of fashion and often had nothing to show for it)

Op, you don't seem to like him.

The man you want to be with, have children with, is not a man that you're on mumsnet bitching about (albeit fairly justifiably!)

32 quid is a lot for a kettle, lol.

I know people like this and it's bizarre to me. If you've talked about how much you dislike this (and rowed, and cried), and he still won't change, then there's not much else you can do.

How is he with paying for practical things like bills and supermarket shopping?

I know that sounds awful but I just feel I need a clean break.

Then you've made the decision and no need to feel bad about it.

You've grown apart and your lifestyle expectations and priorities aren't a match.

Now, go forth and find yourself another sensible dentist and have a nice joint income and no worries that it is all being spent on silly kettles.

It would be a kindness if you left him the bloody kettle in the split tho.

She does need to remove her name from/close the joint account.

Even if there's no overdraft her name will be linked financially with his.

I can't believe this is the only way he shows that he is chronically dim.

Leave him to it, op!

I think your gut feeling is totally "on the money" (sorry) here. You can't make a life with someone happily who is going to be making lifes decisions based on what other people think. As you get older you will have lots of choices to make about houses, life events, healthcare, maybe schools. If you aren't the flash git type he will spend all your money and probably leave you when he feels other men would expect him to trade you in.

People like that are never happy because someone else will always have something 'better'. The grass will always be greener for those people.

A part of me always feels sorry for them. The other part thinks 'wanker'.