I'm going to end my relationship because DP is flash

[GlitterBallSacks]

I've been with DP for three years. We live together and we're getting to that stage where we're thinking about the future. Aside from plans of marriage, children, houses etc., I feel we're fundamentally incompatible with our approach to money. I don't see how we can live a happy and fulfilled life together without one of us compromising hugely

Basically, DP thinks that because we're both "young professionals" we should live a particular sort of lifestyle involving expensive cars, exotic holidays and big houses. He wants people to think we're very well-off.

I think these things are a waste of money and I don't give a shit if people think we're wealthy or not. For the record, we're not all that well-off (more on this below).

Example: Our kettle broke. I saw one for £32 which would go perfectly in our kitchen. He agreed it'd go well but he wanted a top of the range Bugatti kettle costing £230. It wouldn't look as good as my £32 kettle but he wanted it because the expensive one was more "us"

Another example: We went to a wedding. I looked amazing if I do say so myself in a 60s-style dress. When asked where I got it, I replied honestly that it was £3.50 in the Primark sale. He was annoyed that I'd admitted to people I shop in Primark.

Anyhow, he thinks because we're "young professionals" we should have a particular type of lifestyle. Except, he earns less than half what I do. So when he says he wants us to have this lifestyle, what that really means is for him to enjoy that lifestyle which is coming courtesy of my wages. We have a joint account, that was a mistake. However, if we separate accounts I know he'll just put it all on credit card because he's completely desperate to convince people we're loaded.

We've talked, we've rowed, we've cried. I've realised over the last couple of weeks that he's not going to change but I don't want to be in a relationship where this is an issue. I've grown to see how unattractive it is that he's so desperate to impress and I've struggled to find him attractive enough to have sex with.

He knows something's wrong and I know it'll hurt him massively but I need to get out for my own wellbeing.

I don't know why I'm posting. Hand holding maybe.

I'd get your name off the joint account quick before he gets an overdraft on it!

What's his job-is or something that could eventually earn him the sort of lifestyle he thinks he should be earning?

I would be concerned that as you're the higher earner, if you have babies, you'll be back at work full time after a month to pay the bills!

Since you're in credit with your joint account, it's relatively easy to take yourself off it in branch. You might need him if you want to close it.

Jesus, that would be probably the biggest turn off for me in a man! Not even the fact he wants expensive things, but the fact that he wants them to show off.
Kettle for £200? Wtf? How much does he earn? Does he realise that some people have to feed a family for £200pcm?
Your DP sounds incredibly shallow and immature. Has he ever had any struggles, obstacles in life? Is he able to enjoy little simple things? Does he know/ever met anyone who has 'real problems'? I would find it difficult to connect with a man even on the basis of movies, books, music we would share - because what does he really think of life's worth with such an approach? What exactly attracted you to him in the firs place, what values has he got? Do his 'values' all involve material things?
There was a program on BBC or channel 4 sometime ago about spoilt kids sent to work in factories/farms in Asian/African countries.... maybe he should do that. See how bloody lucky he is.
No wonders you struggle, I would not be able to be with someone like him.
Do you think his mindset can change at all when he learns a bit more about the world we live in?

I didn't add this before but I will having read more of the posts. Even if his behaviour is founded on insecurity etc I don't believe it is a good idea to stay with a man believing you can change what is by now a fundamental element of his personality

Will it be easy to separate from a housing point of view? Do you rent?

Also that kettle is foul . I didn't know I had such strong opinions about kettles.

A Bugatti kettle!!!

Oh dear lord.

Mind you OP, I'd be thinking that your £32 was too much!

Look if it's not working for any reason, then do both of yourselves a favour & get out.

My niece is like this-labels & stuff to make her feel good about herself.

Sad imo.

I'd be worried about whether he was with me for 'me' or because of the 'young professional' status being with me kind of confers on him too.

If you're looking forward to being single then you already know what you should do.

DP was like this. Honestly, he had some horrible clothes that he bought just because of the label so I feel your pain with the kettle. I bought some clothes in H&M once and he said he wouldn't even be seen in there. Roll on 5 years though and I can't get him out of his favourite shorts.....bought from H&M. Maturity could be playing a part but some people are always like that. At 31 I think if he's going to grow out of it then he should have started by now. It might be time to split and run.

Also - if you did decide to stay together would you want to 'teach' your children these values?

your relationship is as dead as a dodo. when you said you don't want counselling, you want a clean break you'll feel overwhelming relief.

here's the hand hold for the conversation that's to come.

Every post you make screams out that you simply don't love him any more, regardless of the reason(s) for that happening. You don't want counselling, you are almost brisk in your assessment of the situation (and correct, needless to say!) - you just want out.

You don't love him any more.

So yes you must split.

I completely understand. Yes it's all a silly kind of issue, keeping-up-with-the-Joneses nonsense... but it really does speak of some far deeper personality traits (especially at age 31).

He is shallow. He's not particularly intelligent if he can't see the ridiculousness of this kind of behaviour (Peter and Jane ain't gonna care what kettle you've got!). He's also cowardly - no courage of his own convictions, likes or dislikes. He prioritises the wrong things. None of those traits are at all admirable. And... you'll end up in debt if he carries on, and you've said that you believe as much, which also tells me that you simply don't trust him to have any sense with money. That last is really the killer. Don't marry someone with different ideas on money to you.

You are right to end this.

That Bugatti kettle was rated a 'Don't Buy' in Which....it's good that you have come round to this decision yourself though, good luck with it all & you'll be fine.

You are definitely doing the right thing OP! He sounds like an absolute twatsack. I have a friend whose husband is like this and, apart from the fact that it makes me dislike him intensely (I overheard him saying to his daughter recently: "You'd like a pair of Havanas like Daddy, wouldn't you?"), I often think to myself that he can't be happy. It's miserable to worry so much about what others think, and he's clearly insecure if he's trying to impress others that much. You are absolutely doing the right thing. Run a mile. LTFB. Bellend.

I've had two exes who were 'flash' bastards, but didn't have the money to back it up, so I do sympathise OP.

However my reason for posting is the Primark dress - and you getting all the admiring comments.

I used to volunteer on a Saturday afternoon in a charity shop in a posh town with lots of wealthy people about. I wasn't up on designer stuff myself, but I'd often go in and there'd be a bag or a jacket marked up at £50, £75 ... or more sometimes and I'd ask why only to be told it's 'so and so' designer. Manageress was a bit of an expert on the 'labels' and took great pride in the 'quality' of the donations from the rich local clientele.

I used to do the shop displays on my Saturday afternoon and I go in to see this hideous dress, pride of place on our shop mannequin. Usually I would change the display every week, but I wasn't allowed to touch this one because it was some fancy label. It was marked up at £90 on the basis that it apparently 'cost hundreds' new - but it was such an ugly thing and didn't sell. It was on that bloody mannequin for weeks, before eventually the manager admitted defeat and took it down.

Another time, I'm doing the displays and come across this lovely clutch/shoulder bag in a deep red snakeskin effect, with a chunky gold coloured metal clasp and detachable chain handle. It was beautifully lined in the same colour as the bag itself, and the chain handle was such good quality you could have worn it as a belt. 'Designer' I thought so put it centre of the display ... but when I read the price tag it was marked up at only three quid.

Someone's made a mistake thinks I, so asked the manager why it was only three quid? Because it's from Primark she says looking down her nose, and tells me to take it off the display and shove it back in the bag box!!

We had thousands of items go through that shop - hundreds and hundreds of bags, and I can tell you that was one of the nicest I've ever seen. It looked good, felt good, was nicely made, lovely colour - but apparently it was deemed crap because it was Primark. I realised then what a load of pretentious bollocks all this labels business is.

You are doing the right thing, OP. I have a cousin like this, she spends and spends and thinks nothing of getting into debt as long as she has the right labels and looks flash going around my home village in Ireland. She has been engaged three times and every one of her fiances have run for the hills when they really saw how she spent. One guy had his own house and said to her, "I haven't worked hard for you to destroy everything, get your spending under control or we are over." She didn't and still lives at home with my aunt at 50 years old and is heavily in debt with a very shaky future. And she is lonely. I agree with PP, this kind of spending and the need to impress is due to deep seated phsycological issues but unless he loves you enough to do something about it, you have no other option but to leave. My cousin claimed to be heartbroken over every broken engagement but despite her loneliness and longing to be married, she has always refused to change. If she had married any of those men I have no doubt that she would have run up horrendous debts, counting on their income to bail her out.

Glad you've made the decision but the mind boggles as to why you agreed to buy a £200 kettle you didn't like??

I can't be doing with people that flash the cash for the sake of it tbh!

OP - the REASON for spending money on such things is driven by an overwhelming desire (need?) to inspire envy in others.
If you have good self esteem, your own accomplishments and attributes and style - then you have something authentic that people will admire.
If you are empty and insecure- you will fall prey to anyone selling you anything by being told that others will envy you and your lifestyle by having it.
I don't think he has the depth or strength of character you are looking for.

A Bugatti kettle? hahahahahaha.

He sounds like a knob.

Does the kettle actually work? All the reviews in that Amazon link say they lasted two days!

GlitterBallSacks

I can't believe you would pay £32 for a kettle. Jeez.

Op I've been in a similar situation. You actually start cringing on their behalf. You sound as if you're decision is made.

I actually got to the point where I found it all so physically unattractive. It was grim. Refreshing to hear someone focussed on the future and not the current charade....

The kettle boileth over....

Also refreshing to read someone saying mid dilemma.. " anyway I'm off to Zumba class and then the pub!"

I like the kettle

It seems this man hasn't met his parents expectations so he wishes to pretend he has by faking it and using ops money. How unhappy would you have to be as a person to be in your thirties and want to pull this crap.

Op, I think you're doing right to get out. It's only going to get worse.

It's bad enough that he thinks like this but expecting you to bankroll it is icing on the deal breaker.

Stop apologising, you haven't done anything wrong and getting out now is a sensible move you are entitled to make. Just get your name off the joint account and secure your contribution to it before ending it, you have no idea how far his sense of entitlement will take him.