I'm going to end my relationship because DP is flash

[GlitterBallSacks]

I've been with DP for three years. We live together and we're getting to that stage where we're thinking about the future. Aside from plans of marriage, children, houses etc., I feel we're fundamentally incompatible with our approach to money. I don't see how we can live a happy and fulfilled life together without one of us compromising hugely

Basically, DP thinks that because we're both "young professionals" we should live a particular sort of lifestyle involving expensive cars, exotic holidays and big houses. He wants people to think we're very well-off.

I think these things are a waste of money and I don't give a shit if people think we're wealthy or not. For the record, we're not all that well-off (more on this below).

Example: Our kettle broke. I saw one for £32 which would go perfectly in our kitchen. He agreed it'd go well but he wanted a top of the range Bugatti kettle costing £230. It wouldn't look as good as my £32 kettle but he wanted it because the expensive one was more "us"

Another example: We went to a wedding. I looked amazing if I do say so myself in a 60s-style dress. When asked where I got it, I replied honestly that it was £3.50 in the Primark sale. He was annoyed that I'd admitted to people I shop in Primark.

Anyhow, he thinks because we're "young professionals" we should have a particular type of lifestyle. Except, he earns less than half what I do. So when he says he wants us to have this lifestyle, what that really means is for him to enjoy that lifestyle which is coming courtesy of my wages. We have a joint account, that was a mistake. However, if we separate accounts I know he'll just put it all on credit card because he's completely desperate to convince people we're loaded.

We've talked, we've rowed, we've cried. I've realised over the last couple of weeks that he's not going to change but I don't want to be in a relationship where this is an issue. I've grown to see how unattractive it is that he's so desperate to impress and I've struggled to find him attractive enough to have sex with.

He knows something's wrong and I know it'll hurt him massively but I need to get out for my own wellbeing.

I don't know why I'm posting. Hand holding maybe.

He really is a prize arse if he thinks he can judge how wealthy a couple is due to their car or clothes etc. (Which is what he thinks people are doing about you two). The wealthiest couple I know live in charity shop clothes and drive second hand 14 year old cars. They do up properties and have many on the go but you'd never ever think they were rich if you met them. On the other side of things you have my sil who lives in a council house and is on benefits (no judgement at all, just facts) and wears top to toe Boden and Joules as do her 3 children.... it's the only thing she seems to spend money on. You just can't judge anyone that way.

If I came into your kitchen, I wouldn't have a blummin clue whether your kettle was expensive or not.

He could grow out of this, but in the meantime, he could seriously damage your finances. Do you think the fact that he earns less than you is a factor, in that he wants to be seen as successful?

Have you told him his shallow personality is a massive turn off sexually? It would be for me too!

So basically he is willing to drive you into debt because he hasn't really reached a point in his life where he can make decisions independently of his parents and their actions, and is worried about his brother doing visibly better than he is to boot? This is a drama straight out of childhood, and is no way right in terms of a lifestyle for a grown man. I don't care how much he was denied his coveted Lego set as a boy, childish wish-fulfillment is no basis for adult life.

@NotAPuffin

That's not nice of his parents. You can see why he's like it. But...you can't change him and if he's draining your monies on things you don't want to buy then it's probably time to check out. You could be honest and tell him why our you could just say you think you want different things in life.

Sorry- I missed the part about his parents, which would've answered my question.

Just seen the Bugatti Kettles on Amazon. They don't have great reviews. On the plus side it ought to resell for a fairly decent price should funds ever get tight, which is more than can be said for most kettles.

His parents are bonkers. You literally can't offend them at all, they're completely away with the fairies, they don't mean any malice. But, they think everyone else is like this. When we went there once and I'd put on a couple of pounds, it was the first thing they commented on.

It isn't just about the money (me putting in more) its about the whole need to be flash and the need to impress other people. If we're getting something you can see him thinking "how will this look to Dave, Jane and Mary?" rather than "Do I like it?" Such a turn off.

We're both 31 so "growing out of it" should've happened by now

Oh you would most definitely notice our kettle. It's horrible. Really ugly and massive and brash. You wouldn't necessarily know it was £230 buy you'd definitely clock the fucking ugly bastard thing.

Firstly OP I love your name.

I think the whole concept of caring what other people think (for things like money/cars etc) is a curse. Is your partner young? It sounds like a fairly young attitude.

I definitely couldn't live with that misguided sense of value especially with your money! Spending 230 quid on a kettle for the sake of 'appearances' is absolute MADNESS.

Does he have plans to increase his income to suit his tastes, or is he literally just going to 'want' all his life? Shame for him.

My exh and my last exbf was like this. My exh is up to his eyeballs in debt and exbf was more interested in living up to a persona of what he perceived as being successful. Strangely enough my new bf has the wealth but drives an old unflashy car. I'll take the genuine person every day and I've never been happier.

Also, good on you for making the decision to cut your losses.

You don't have to close the joint account, just open your own and pay all your money through it. Then the joint account is 'his'.

I don't think wanting an expensive kettle is fundamentally a bad thing (although not for me haha!), but I think the mismatch between you sounds like a big issue.

Dump and move on. He won't change and further down the line you'll be working flat out to provide for private education at Eton/Marlborough for any offspring plus more.

Im interested in the fact that you decribe the lifestyle as young professional but you say he doesnt have a professional job?

Im a spender and even I boaked at the kettle! (Although Dh did veto me for a £80 kettle and toaster set instead of the £32 one I saw).

Good luck in being on your own OP.

IHeartDodo No, it's completely fine for him to have whatever he wants but (a) I think it's pathetic to do so when it's just for appearances rather then your own enjoyment and (b) not with my bloody money!

You are so doing the right thing op, you will never be happy in this relationship, he cares more about what other people think than what you think.
My SIL finally split from her DH after he spent their last £60 to buy red roses on Valentine's Day cos he didn't want everyone to think he couldn't afford to treat his wife. She had to ask her parents for money to feed the kids for the rest of the week!
He got annoyed that she wasn't happy with the flowers, he was only trying to be nice, was his view.

I've just looked at Bugatti kettles. Absolutely hideous.

Buy him a copy of Affluenza and make sure he reads it. Then have an open and honest discussion about what needs to change for you to stay. Counselling may also help, but only if you think there's a chance of change.

Don't buy a cheap toaster, though

GlitterBallSacks
(b) not with my bloody money! - well exactly, as you said, he can spend his own money on whatever he wants, but him wanting to spend yours will only cause trouble!

You are so doing the right thing OP, it sounds like an incredibly unappealing trait (who refers to themselves as 'young professionals', what a total cock)

He sounds horrendously shallow, which to me would be a huge turn off. Can see why you're finding him less attractive.