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Original poster

I'm going to end my relationship because DP is flash

352 replies

GlitterBallSacks · 24/07/2017 15:49

I've been with DP for three years. We live together and we're getting to that stage where we're thinking about the future. Aside from plans of marriage, children, houses etc., I feel we're fundamentally incompatible with our approach to money. I don't see how we can live a happy and fulfilled life together without one of us compromising hugely

Basically, DP thinks that because we're both "young professionals" we should live a particular sort of lifestyle involving expensive cars, exotic holidays and big houses. He wants people to think we're very well-off.

I think these things are a waste of money and I don't give a shit if people think we're wealthy or not. For the record, we're not all that well-off (more on this below).

Example: Our kettle broke. I saw one for £32 which would go perfectly in our kitchen. He agreed it'd go well but he wanted a top of the range Bugatti kettle costing £230. It wouldn't look as good as my £32 kettle but he wanted it because the expensive one was more "us" Hmm

Another example: We went to a wedding. I looked amazing if I do say so myself in a 60s-style dress. When asked where I got it, I replied honestly that it was £3.50 in the Primark sale. He was annoyed that I'd admitted to people I shop in Primark.

Anyhow, he thinks because we're "young professionals" we should have a particular type of lifestyle. Except, he earns less than half what I do. So when he says he wants us to have this lifestyle, what that really means is for him to enjoy that lifestyle which is coming courtesy of my wages. We have a joint account, that was a mistake. However, if we separate accounts I know he'll just put it all on credit card because he's completely desperate to convince people we're loaded.

We've talked, we've rowed, we've cried. I've realised over the last couple of weeks that he's not going to change but I don't want to be in a relationship where this is an issue. I've grown to see how unattractive it is that he's so desperate to impress and I've struggled to find him attractive enough to have sex with.

He knows something's wrong and I know it'll hurt him massively but I need to get out for my own wellbeing.

I don't know why I'm posting. Hand holding maybe.

OP posts:
scootinFun · 24/07/2017 23:06

Oh my god! Get rid of the joint account asap

SouthWestmom · 24/07/2017 23:14

I really want the orange Bugatti kettle now Blush

montenana · 24/07/2017 23:22

my kettle was £89 Blush
does look nice though...
misses point

HadronCollider · 25/07/2017 05:51

The next time a politician comes on here for a chat, I'm going to ask whether they have a Bugatti kettle!Grin

AlternativeTentacle · 25/07/2017 05:57

I really want the orange Bugatti kettle now

I am sure the OP would be happy to sell hers to you.

Wonders71 · 25/07/2017 06:01

You don't live in Essex or Hertfordshire do you! I see so many men and women like this here wanting to live the Towie lifestyle! Have a word with him and if he will not listen get rid becsuse he sounds like hard work.

MyOtherProfile · 25/07/2017 06:14

I googled the kettle. It's not very nice and looks really cheap. And right underneath it on Google was an ad for a 20 quid Tesco kettle Grin

TestTubeTeen · 25/07/2017 06:16

"I feel we're fundamentally incompatible with our approach to money. "

It isn't just money. You have different values .

And he is a freeloader. On you. He has more regard for appearances than respect for you.

GeekyWombat · 25/07/2017 06:34

The fact that you tried talking to him about it and he's refused to see your point and ordered the kettle anyway really doesn't bode well.

FWIW I agree with you. I got my kettle and toaster in a £25 each but buy both for £40 deal in Asda ;)

Somersetlady · 25/07/2017 06:40

My first ever LTB!

Get out now whilst you still can. I had an guy like this he still owes me £000s which I will never get back. All expensive labels on credit no cold hard cash in the bank.

At 31 the world is your lobster oysters are diagusting and overpriced

Somersetlady · 25/07/2017 06:41

Oddly my own kettle has just given up the ghost so now looking for a new black kettle!

Hissy · 25/07/2017 07:56

You're making the right decision op, the resentment is creeping in now. That's irreversible

He's a complete nob. Your friends will think so too, but not say anything until he's gone from your life.

Trills · 25/07/2017 08:17

Run like the wind.

If he were more reasonable I'd suggest a joint account for joint expenses then equal sending money for him to indulge, but that won't help here.

You don't LIKE him.

Florence16 · 25/07/2017 08:30

The sheer fact he has ordered that kettle after you've discussed it? I'd bin him now. He will get you both into all sorts of debt when what he wants costs just that but ore than what you have. Such a blatant lack of respect to spend money on a kettle like that when you've expressed how you feel and not come to a joint decision.

It's not who earns what it's his attitude that stinks. If you want children etc, I'd be making this decision incorporating that too because relationships take time and I wouldn't want to waste time when you're sure he won't change. 31 is very old to be acting how he is.

SenoritaViva · 25/07/2017 08:31

Right decision- hand holding

elevenclips · 25/07/2017 08:31

I couldn't tolerate this. When dh and I were "young professionals" we had a £10 Tesco kettle for years. I think we may have now upgraded to one that was £15 ish!

The amount of purchases you need to make for a baby are huge and the variation in price is massive.

Eg you can get a buggy for £100 or £1000 or even more. There would be a whole lot more disagreements.

stumblymonkeyagain · 25/07/2017 08:44

Honestly I'm quite materialistic, easily drawn in by marketing and earn six figures.

I would never ever spend £200 on a kettle. Like, never.

I mean it's a kettle FFS.

For £200 I'd want it to make the cup of tea for me, bring it upstairs and wake me up with gentle soothing sounds.

I agree that this will cause major issues. He's absolutely out of his mind and will be in serious debt in no time.

Either you sit down and agree a compromise (e.g. You'll splash out on holidays and a house but other stuff has to be modest to pay for that) or I would leave as this will cause no end of arguments over time...

RamsayBoltonsConscience · 25/07/2017 08:45

It's clear to me that you have made the decision and now need to make the break. It's going to be difficult but you already know that. For what it's worth, I think you are making the right choice and I wish you the very best for the future.

WeiAnMeokEo · 25/07/2017 08:52

This is so familiar - my ex was into 'having something to show' for his hard work, by which he meant spending hundreds on clothes, flash nights out, house in 'nice' area that i despised...I also felt like we were totally incompatible and moved on. Am now married to someone with the same financial values as is he, and we are both much happier!

Spudlet · 25/07/2017 09:03

He ordered a £200+ kettle from the joint account without your agreement?! No no nonono. That is not how joint accounts work. If he was that bothered it should have come from his account (still insane btw, £230 for a damn kettle! Ridiculous!).

That attitude to money is going to cause no end of problems if you stay together. What happens if you go on mat leave and he squanders all your cash on dry-clean only designer baby grows?

He needs to shape up or ship out, pronto.

Sleepthief84 · 25/07/2017 09:24

What's he going to do when you decide that you'd like children (as mentioned in your OP) and you end up on maternity pay for a few months or even (if you chose to and could afford to) if you wanted to be a SAHM for a few years and your good wage is gone?

Sounds like a real mismatch, sorry. Unless he can compromise I can't see a future here. OH and I were kind of in a similar situation before we bought our house together and had DD except I was the spendier one (not to that degree of silliness though, or the 'young professionals' nonsense). When we were both earning well having just bought our first home together and still able to save well as well as spending I thought nothing of buying nice things on a whim. He on the other hand would moan at me for buying for example a £100 kettle and toaster set (ours is just a Breville one though, nothing flash) and tell me I could have got something that would do the same job in Argos for £25.

We learned to compromise. I knew when I met him that he was much more careful with money than me - it was that carefulness hat enabled him to buy his first house at 25, which in turn helped us to buy our dream family home together a few years later. When I first moved in I was shocked to learn he never turned the hot water on! The shower didn't need it and he boiled the kettle to wash up. When we moved, I insisted that the water went on (especially when we had DD!) he relented. I in turn stopped doing our grocery shop at Ocado, and looked for cheaper options. Good job I learned to spend less because when DD arrived and we decided we wanted me to be a SAHM our income almost halved. These days we shop mostly at Aldi & Lidl, I budget carefully and consider home purchases carefully.

We have a joint account where his wages (and previously, mine) go and all bills , household expenditures/purchases and savings come out of that. We each have a small amount out of that deposited into our individual accounts each month to spend as we wish. It works for us. Could something similar work for you? So he still has his 'own' money, but it's limited, and any household/holidays/ things are discussed and agreed on before they are purchased?

Hissy · 25/07/2017 11:00

There is nothing wrong with someone with more money than sense buying a £200 kettle. Some people place importance on some things that others won't necessarily understand.

This is not the issue.

the issue is that it was discussed, the OP said she didnt want to get a £200 kettle and he went ahead and bought one from the joint money anyway.

He is using your salary OP as buffer/supplement to his own much lower one.

He can spend HIS money on what he likes, but he can't spend your money without you both agreeing.

The fact that you discussed this and stated this and he ignored anyway is the issue you have.

You have to trust a partner 100% if you have kids with them, otherwisie you will be utterley shafted.

he has shafted you already, and over a kettle... you wait till you are on maternity pay and he spunks all your savings on some pointless crap with label.

ThomasRichard · 25/07/2017 11:21

Ugh no, run OP. I was married to a man like this. Everything he wore, owned, said and did ended up being about what he thought looked good to the outside world and screw what it did to our finances and family life. He had to start his own company so that he could be an MD, he had to drive an Audi to impress potential customers, he had to pay £££ to take his mates go-karting, he had to spend over £1k a month on eating out. He also didn't have the income to support appearances so he got into a whole load of debt while I frantically tried to pay all the bills and the cost of two children from my savings and statutory maternity pay. Meanwhile, I was 'embarrassing him' by refusing to give up my own career to be a SAHP. It was shockingly miserable and I divorced him in the end. He still complains if the children aren't dressed to his standards on his two weekends a month Hmm but life is much less stressful without having to pander to his massive ego.

Starlight2345 · 25/07/2017 11:23

I had an ex like that .. note the word ex...It made it hard for me to spend any money because if I spent £50 on something it would justify him spending £100 on something we didn't need...So I wouldn't spend money.

I am not careful with money but when I do need something can buy it without worrying what additional expenses the item incurs.

BeautifulWintersMorning · 25/07/2017 11:26

Now I'm getting adverts for Bugatti kettles! Bit tacky.