Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

My porn revenge on Dh

(200 Posts)
serephine16 Fri 14-Jul-17 03:26:36

Ok- me 40, dh 44. So a few months back I found out my dh had been on a porn subreddit called gonewild a few times a week for months, which is basically real 18+ something women posting nudes of themselves. I was heavily pregnant and really low in myself, depressed and low self esteem, and in past conversations my dh had reassured me he wasn't the type to look at porn, disagreed with it vehemently to a point where he would get angry if I asked him did he ever use it. So we agreed porn had no place in our marriage. What has effected me the most, besides feeling totally inadequate was his ability to lie so convincingly and easily and it has created a huge trust problem in our marriage and I've struggled with this everyday since. Now to the point of this post- a little while after going through the subreddit he was on and torturing myself I discovered there was a gonewild30plus subreddit which again is women 30 and over posting nudes, so as pissed as I was with him I decided to get my own back and I posted a picture of my own boobs on the 30 plus page and I told him. During the time it was up I got messages and comments and upvotes from men and although I genuinely felt uncomfortable having such an intimate picture of myself on show, I felt very flattered and it upped my self esteem no end. I took the picture down as my Dh went completely crazy, extremely angry, and has said that what I have done is far far worse then him going onto the same type page basically for god knows how long and looking at many different pictures of young woman and lying to me about it. He's so angry he can't even think about it without blowing up. What I'm asking here is, was I completely out of order doing what I did? I genuinely don't think it's as bad as what he did, but am completely open to all your thoughts and opinions.
In hindsight I do realize tit for tat in a marriage is very unhealthy and I regret that aspect of it.

serephine16 Fri 14-Jul-17 05:13:22

Frencheo- just thank youbiscuit
Whilst I appreciate everyone's opinions, those who have said we are both as bad as eachother, can I just say, before that faithful night I discovered his little habit, I wasn't the one lying and making promises that I was then breaking in our 17yo marriage, I would never of even considered posting or even looking on a page like that. I would never have considered sneaking behind my husbands back and have always been completely honest with him and he knows this. Apart from all the porn shit he has broken the trust and honesty in our marriage. Just a consideration.
Badhatter- next you'll be telling me porn is just a manly need and right and that I was being unreasonable in the first place to expect him to live up to his own decisions, and I should of just respected that he needed it and kept quiet.

MrsTerryPratchett Fri 14-Jul-17 05:23:49

I'm a man and can't see equivalency.

Because equivalency isn't tit for tat. Literally tit for dick. Equivalency is him understanding that she felt he had done something outwith the marriage. And she did something outwith the marriage too.

I don't think it was healthy. I do think it was fair. For a very long time certain kinds of men have assumed that what they do is totes cool bro. Relying on women toeing the line. Fuck that noise.

Saiman Fri 14-Jul-17 06:33:28

You agreed porn had no place in your marriage, because you disagree with the industry.

Gone wild isnt an industry its social media. You know why women do it. You felt the boost yourself. You were happy for men to wank over you and enjoyed the attention, but are not happy for your dh to wank over the same photos of other women.

I dont think what he did was ok. But then i think what you did was not ok either.

Besides which all the game playing and revenge games will end your marriage. Far quicker than him having a wank.

Yes womens self esteem can be damaged by their partners looking at porn. But i pretty sure mens self esteem can by damaged by their partners posting nudes and enoying men wanking over them and messaging them.

You can say 'well he did it first' but really does that matter. Thats not how adult relarionships should work.

newdaylight Fri 14-Jul-17 06:47:18

Just read up to the bit where he said your bobs are for him to see only.

What a dick. And what a hypocrite.

That's enough to ltb for me because it's exposed fundamental attitudes about women.

As for what you did....it is in my book definitely not as bad as what he did, and in its own way quite brilliant.

newdaylight Fri 14-Jul-17 06:47:43

Boobs. Not bobs

serephine16 Fri 14-Jul-17 06:48:22

Saiman- I know Gw is not the industry, and I never specified why porn had no place in my marriage, there are many reasons one might not want porn to be a part or their marriage.
Also you have it wrong- my husband was happy to wank over pictures of women but not happy for men to wank over pictures of me.

InfiniteSheldon Fri 14-Jul-17 06:54:12

Well done OP I think it was a genius move and serves him right.

serephine16 Fri 14-Jul-17 06:55:29

I'm not asking if what we/ I did was wrong, I know it was. I suppose I'm just wondering why his hurt is so much more valid then my hurt, which my Dh is under the impression it is.

FritzDonovan Fri 14-Jul-17 06:56:47

What you did was akin to sexting/cheating whereas what he did was look at porn..
Yet another guy who just doesn't get that your OH looking at porn can be damaging in a relationship.
Yeah, I know gonewild, 'DH' frequently looked at that sad bunch of attention seeking women... Can't imagine a situation in which I'd be happy to know sad men were heavy breathing and wanking over a pic of me...each to their own tho, and it shows your dh's dodgy double standards up, OP grin

XJerseyGirlX Fri 14-Jul-17 06:58:13

I think what you did was Brilliant op! And as your pregnant him saying your boobs are for him to look at would anger the hell out of me . No they are your boobs , not his! Cheeky sod
He will try to spin this on you to get out of what he did ., don't let him

Velvian Fri 14-Jul-17 06:58:44

I completely understand why you did that, op & good for you. Hopefully your H will have a better sense of how hurt & powerless you felt by his lies about where his boundaries were along with subsequent minimising. My dh did similar at the start of our relationship & it nearly ended the relationship. I felt like i didn't know him at all if he could lie to my face like that. I had a desperate need to reset "normal" boundaries, so asked him about porn, prepared to incorporate it, but he was vehement that he didn't use it. I had only had 1 previous relationship, which was sexually abusive. In addition exH would spend all evening shut in his study watching porn.
DH did realise how badly he'd let me down & i don't have a problem with him watching porn, it doesn't impact on our relationsip or family time.

Jijhebtseksmetezels Fri 14-Jul-17 07:07:24

Genius move. You're calling out his hypocrisy. So it's ok for him to get off on pictures of naked women but he's not happy for his daughter/wife, etc to be those naked women. He doesn't sound very bright.

But have a word with yourself about the self-esteem boost will you?! Those men up voting your boobs don't like you as a person you know? They are reducing you to a pair of tits and comparing them to dozens others. That's not exactly a compliment.

But still, genius move, well done!

Ineedmorelemonpledge Fri 14-Jul-17 07:12:15

I agree you're both not in a healthy place in your marriage op, but I think what you did completely highlighted the huge hypocrisy and twisted way of thinking of your husband.

And i don't think that's a bad thing, because with this and the vehement lying about porn you've exposed the truth about him.

It's that mindset that mothers, wives and daughters must be angels and then women who expose themselves in porn, or on websites like that are sluts that deserve what they get. It amazes me that people can compartmentalise like that, but they do.

Well what a huge wake up call buddy...everybody on the sites is somebody's wife, daughter, sister or mother.

If you're happy to wank over someone else's wife's tits then you should be ok that someone else can wank over your wife's tits.

And bollocks to the infidelity call - you probably showed less than some people do on the beach. And your intention was not to find or communicate with other guys by the sound of it.

Question is Op, what do you do now?

Joysmum Fri 14-Jul-17 07:12:42

Your bloody lucky it didn't backfire and he found it a turnon that others liked you but couldn't have you as you are 'his'. Plenty of men are like that.

Hopefully it's served its purpose for you both. Personally I think you're great and wouldn't judge you harshly. flowers

OnionKnight Fri 14-Jul-17 07:15:36

This is genius grin

Although I agree with a previous poster, upvotes are not exactly a valid self esteem boost.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 Fri 14-Jul-17 07:17:43

I think this is a bizarre way for a relationship too be.

My first reaction to one up my husband would not be posting tit shots on a website. So to prove your point you've posted something onto a website that you class as a porn website - something which you disagree your husband looking at. Go figure

grungeneverdied Fri 14-Jul-17 07:18:19

Next thing you know he'll be putting up a dick pic. Tit for tat isn't good and I personally think it was a very immature way to handle it. Yes he lied about looking at naked women. I get that the lying is what caused the failure of trust but being open to him about finding out and reinforcing how it made you feel then trusting him to appreciate that would of been the way to handle it. My two cents

FlyMeToDunoon Fri 14-Jul-17 07:22:48

You've highlighted his appalling attitude to women and to your marriage.
Question now is how you move forward from here.

Dawnedlightly Fri 14-Jul-17 07:22:54

Ha! Good for you OP.
Hope you as a couple manage to work through this (if that's what you want)
flowers

BirdBandit Fri 14-Jul-17 07:23:15

You made him step out of his fantasy where his actions have no consequences, and you made those women real to him.

That's why he is angry.

I applaud you for your clever and pointed way of achieving that, but please, don't look for self confidence, self esteem and validation from a bunch of literal wankers, those men are grim.

Collidascope Fri 14-Jul-17 07:25:25

"I suppose I'm just wondering why his hurt is so much more valid then my hurt, which my Dh is under the impression it is."

Because he's a hypocritical dick, who on some level thinks you belong to him but he should be able to do what he likes. I bet if you look back over your relationship, you'll find other symptoms of his attitude. Is he disrespectful and dismissive of your feelings with other stuff too?

serephine16 Fri 14-Jul-17 07:27:23

Guys I'm not applauding myself with any likes or comments my picture might of got, I admit it made me feel very slightly better for a bit, but I'm under no illusion to the type of men trawling through these pictures and I don't take it as a compliment at all.

Saiman Fri 14-Jul-17 07:29:51

Hurt cant be quantified and measured.

Its impossible and gets you to absolutely nowhere. You both behaved badly. Who is hurt more is just more competative shit. And not healthy.

Also op you say Also you have it wrong- my husband was happy to wank over pictures of women but not happy for men to wank over pictures of me.

That doesnr even make sense. You out your photo up. You enjoyed the attention. You participated in this 'industry' as you call it. Stop the competition about who is ok witg one part of it and who is hurt more and who is wrong more.

You also states in your op that he disagreed with porn. You posted that. This isnt porn. Its still disgusting. But i cant say its any worse that what you did.

If you consider this porn and that it has no place in your marriage, then neither does have a place when you post a photo. 2 wrongs dont make a right.

WomblingThree Fri 14-Jul-17 07:34:42

Who the fuck does he think he is? It's ok for him to look at tits belonging to other men's wives? But his wife isn't allowed to put her tits on there in case other men see?

Can he not see the hypocrisy here? I honestly couldn't cope with someone that thick. Is he brain dead in other aspects of his life too? I rarely say it, but I'd honestly leave him, before he infects your child with his particular brand of stupid.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Fri 14-Jul-17 07:34:53

OP, sounds like your marriage is over. Doing what you like with your boobs is not U. Staying with a man who treats you like shit is U.

If you have a son, don't let him grow up to be like his father. If you have a daughter, don't let her think it's ok to stay with a man who disrespects her and thinks he owns her. Your child is your priority now.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now