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This is what happens on/around my birthday every fucking year

(181 Posts)
thetubbytrain Thu 01-Jun-17 08:33:18

DH has always had a major event happen on or around my birthday each year, a huge final linked to one of his many hobbies. He has been attending the event ever since he was a teenager and it often takes him away for the whole weekend.
The first year we were together, we managed to compromise and he drove back in the early hours to be back for my birthday. The second year, we celebrated the weekend after my birthday and he went to the final the weekend before as my birthday fell in between both weekends, the third year, I'd just given birth to our colicky newborn and he went for the entire weekend leaving me with the baby and my mother. It has continued since with sometimes him going for the whole weekend and sometimes just a night.
I don't want to sound like a birthday brat, but now we have DCs, birthdays are really the only special times we get to spend together as a couple. And I always feel like such a burden to him or after-thought as each year I have to wangle some of his time/attention to celebrate together as a couple away from his hobby. Makes me feel really crappy.

Anyway this year, I turn 40 and the final lands exactly on my birthday. I've mentioned this to DH this morning and explained I don't expect him to attend the final (he often just goes to watch and doesn't actually partake himself).
He argues that he is not willing to miss the final and we can celebrate my birthday another day.
But my birthday isn't another day?
I know I run the risk of sounding like a complete brat here, but I'm just a bit tired of every birthday being like this, a compromise of his time and attention, which ultimately, doesn't make me feel particularly special.
It will.put a real dampener on things for me this year and I'm just really fed up of having this argument with him.
Any ideas of how better to handle this to avoid yet another stand off or me feeling down in the dumps about it yet again?

LizzieMacQueen Thu 01-Jun-17 08:35:28

No wise words bad is there any reason why you don't attend the final with him?

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower Thu 01-Jun-17 08:37:20

I think I'd be making arrangements to celebrate my 40th somewhere special, with friends.

How selfish of him sad

RebornSlippy Thu 01-Jun-17 08:38:17

With respect, OP, you are turning 40, not 14. You knew when you started your relationship that this hobby meant a great deal to him. He attends the final every year. Why do you continually ask him to give up something he loves. Yes, yes, you should be his priority but I really think that I'd cut him some slack. Just because we are in relationships, does not mean that we should have to sacrifice other things we love.

You can celebrate your birthday another day. It doesn't have to be the actual day. You know this. Wouldn't you rather have a celebration that he was fully into rather than have him sit there wishing he was somewhere else? Your birthday can be arranged for any day. This event cannot.

I can only give my view. I'd organise something for my birthday on another date and let it go.

RebornSlippy Thu 01-Jun-17 08:39:36

Although I must say leaving you at home with a newborn was shitty. I'd have had more to say about that than a birthday. Again though, you knew who he was when you got with him, so...

AnotherEmma Thu 01-Jun-17 08:40:17

"I'd just given birth to our colicky newborn and he went for the entire weekend leaving me with the baby and my mother."

Unforgivable. I would have kicked up a big stink about this from the beginning. The problem is that he's got away with it for years, so what makes you think he'd stop now?

He sounds selfish, the kind of person who prioritises his hobby over his family and probably expects you to do all the childcare and housework too.

If you put up with it, it won't change.

You deserve a partner who's willing to make an effort for you every birthday, and for big birthdays at the very least.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Thu 01-Jun-17 08:41:15

I really don't think it is unreasonable for him to give up this event just this once so I am not sure what the answer is.

mumonashoestring Thu 01-Jun-17 08:41:22

I suspect in your place I'd have 'moved' my birthday by now - I.e. pick another date in the year to celebrate on that is out of season for whatever it is he's so bloody invested in so I can look forward to it each year (and he has no excuse). I know a few people who have birthdays that clash with things like Christmas or Valentines, or like mine that tend to fall when everyone's off on holiday. An 'official' birthday cuts out a lot of the angst potential. However, generally my DH is generous with him time and attention and only has one or two things that would possibly make him dig his heels in like that. How is your DH generally?

twilightcafe Thu 01-Jun-17 08:41:52

Compromise. Have a "birthday week".

He makes damn sure there is something lovely delivered to you on the day. You have your celebration a few days later.

expatinscotland Thu 01-Jun-17 08:43:20

I'd celebrate it on the day with other people. Wouldn't celebrate it another day just to accommodate his fucking hobby.

Crumbs1 Thu 01-Jun-17 08:44:26

I think adults making a fuss over their birthdays is a bit precious. If he's always done it, it's important to him then I think you're being over- sensitive. Celebrate if you must (what's so special about 40?) but do it the weekend before or after.

iffikitty Thu 01-Jun-17 08:44:33

Not sure how you can have your 40th birthday on another day, how?

I wouldn't want to spend the day with someone who would rather be somewhere else. You can't win really.

ElspethFlashman Thu 01-Jun-17 08:45:54

Oh fuck moving your birthday so diddums can go to a bloody match.

It's her 40th! She's not unreasonable to want her husband around to celebrate!

That said, he's set out his stall. He doesn't give a shit. You're not even an option for him.

So forget about him. Celebrate some other way, without him.

HandbagCrazy Thu 01-Jun-17 08:45:54

I agree with expat. Plan something lovely with your friends / family for your birthday and he then has the choice of coming or not. Tell him he can plan how to celebrate with you and let him organise something for a different day.

Out of interest, does he enjoy celebrating his birthday?

AdoraBell Thu 01-Jun-17 08:46:13

Is he generally not bothered about birthdays? What about his own /DC/MIL birthdays?

RebornSlippy Thu 01-Jun-17 08:46:58

That's another option expat; 2 birthdays. One with him and one without.

The deeper issue here is that the OP wants her partner to choose her. To choose her every time above anything else. Perhaps not an unreasonable desire to be fair.

Fact of the matter is though, he won't. He hasn't before, even for his baby, so he won't for her birthday.

You're breaking your own heart expecting him to change at this point. Ain't gonna happen, OP. Now you must decide, can you accept him as he is? This yearly challenge you are setting im is going to eat you up. You won't win.

AnotherEmma Thu 01-Jun-17 08:47:14

Bingo! I wondered how long it would be before the word "precious" got trotted out.

God forbid a woman should want to be made a fuss of for ONE DAY A YEAR when I suspect she spends the other 364 days prioritising everyone else, and her husband spends them prioritising himself.

mrsm43s Thu 01-Jun-17 08:47:47

If its about having time together as a couple, then just have your birthday celebration on another day. Why would you arrange something on a day when you already know he has a pre-existing arrangement? Surely almost everyone celebrates their birthday on the nearest convenient day, rather than the actual day itself? The day of the final is not a convenient day as your DH is busy, work around it.

I don't see birthdays above the age of adulthood as a big deal tbh, so I can't understand all the fuss. Just have your celebration on the weekend before, or the weekend after.

BabyLedWhining Thu 01-Jun-17 08:48:06

No the OP isn't 14 but neither is her partner. He can miss out on his fucking hobby for her fortieth (or the birth of a human).

mrholmes Thu 01-Jun-17 08:48:23

He has something he has done since a teenager which obviously seems important to him. Why don't you just resign to that fact and plan things before or after. Does it have be on the exact weekend of your birthday?

I suppose what would be nice is if your husband came to you and said the event is on this date so maybe we could plan something nice on this date or that date.

I would also expect that he made sacrifices to these events if something came along that needed his immediate attention. As for your birthday I think some kind of agreement can be made. We are having a party for my 8 year old 2 weeks after the date. It's not really a massive deal IMHO

Ecureuil Thu 01-Jun-17 08:48:50

I'd celebrate on the day with my friends/other family. I wouldn't move it to accommodate him and his bloody final.
I'd also make plans to do something I loved on his birthday. Every year.

Scribblegirl Thu 01-Jun-17 08:49:21

I would usually say you're overreacting but the fact that a) it's a milestone birthday and b) in your entire relationship he's never skipped the final in favour of you, means you're not.

No wise words I'm afraid but it shows you that you come second to the hobby, which must feel really crap sad

picklemepopcorn Thu 01-Jun-17 08:49:30

Missing the occasional birthday because 'life' is one thing- you go to school/work, have exams, occasional work conferences events etc. Every single year, even the 'big' birthdays and the newborn child moments? No. Too much. I'm afraid I'd be telling him I was actually disgusted with his complete lack of regard for us, that he's shown he doesn't care how upset you are, and it's too late to ever make it up to you. Because it is. How can you enjoy having him with you for your birthday now, when he has made it clear you are less important than his hobby?

picklemepopcorn Thu 01-Jun-17 08:50:42

Plan a fab day with other people, and stop factoring him into your plans. Ever. Live as though he doesn't exist.

Ceto Thu 01-Jun-17 08:51:21

If he gives up on this final, at best he will probably spend large chunks of the day sneaking away to find out what's happening; at worst he'll be grumpy and sulking all day. I really think you'd be better off having a big birthday celebration on the nearest available day when you can have his full attention.

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