This is what happens on/around my birthday every fucking year

[thetubbytrain]

DH has always had a major event happen on or around my birthday each year, a huge final linked to one of his many hobbies. He has been attending the event ever since he was a teenager and it often takes him away for the whole weekend.
The first year we were together, we managed to compromise and he drove back in the early hours to be back for my birthday. The second year, we celebrated the weekend after my birthday and he went to the final the weekend before as my birthday fell in between both weekends, the third year, I'd just given birth to our colicky newborn and he went for the entire weekend leaving me with the baby and my mother. It has continued since with sometimes him going for the whole weekend and sometimes just a night.
I don't want to sound like a birthday brat, but now we have DCs, birthdays are really the only special times we get to spend together as a couple. And I always feel like such a burden to him or after-thought as each year I have to wangle some of his time/attention to celebrate together as a couple away from his hobby. Makes me feel really crappy.

Anyway this year, I turn 40 and the final lands exactly on my birthday. I've mentioned this to DH this morning and explained I don't expect him to attend the final (he often just goes to watch and doesn't actually partake himself).
He argues that he is not willing to miss the final and we can celebrate my birthday another day.
But my birthday isn't another day?
I know I run the risk of sounding like a complete brat here, but I'm just a bit tired of every birthday being like this, a compromise of his time and attention, which ultimately, doesn't make me feel particularly special.
It will.put a real dampener on things for me this year and I'm just really fed up of having this argument with him.
Any ideas of how better to handle this to avoid yet another stand off or me feeling down in the dumps about it yet again?

How is he at other times of the year? Not that it really matters. I dont find my birthday important but DP does and the idea that I could miss a milestone one like 40th would probably result in divorce.

Any partner that consistently and without hesitation or reservation puts their hobby above their partner doesn't really want to be married I think.

You can't win here because if he gives up the final for your birthday he'll either be a grumpy twat all day or play the martyr. So I wouldn't bother asking him again.
Just plan something special with the other important people in your life and don't even mention it to him. It's obviously not important to him.

YANBU to want to celebrate your 40th on you day of your birthday, especially if it falls on a weekend

Unless he is a professional sportsperson (I'm assuming not since you describe it as a hobby), or perhaps the chairman or owner of one of the teams competing in the final then of course he can miss it!

I don't see birthdays above the age of adulthood as a big deal tbh, so I can't understand all the fuss. Just have your celebration on the weekend before, or the weekend after.

I don't give a crap about Christmas or Ramadan but I hear some people do...

Also the fact that he has done it since he was a teenager does not mean he can do it forever... he has family responsibilities. Shit changes. He's an adult. If the Op had posted that she didn't want to go to her MIL's big birthday as she had othe rplans she's get torn a new one.

Oh bollocks, why can't she expect to be put first for once? He's just watching, it's not like he is needed at the hobby. He does his hobby the rest of the year and 40 is conventionally a celebrated birthday. I expect him toddling off to his hobby leaves her stuck at home with the kids.

Happy birthday OP. I hope he does something nice for you.

I'm very much in the camp of people who don't get adults making a big fuss over birthdays or trot out we spend all year looking after everyone so what one day about us. Personally, a nice little celebration could be just before/after but that's because me and DH aren't fussed about exact dates.

He is selfish for routinely putting his hobby before family though.

But, and there is a massive but here, you have know for years this is exactly what he is like, you've know his hobby takes an odd first place in his life and yet you've carried on and out up with it.

I can't help but think expecting a sudden change is probably unreasonable. He's set his stall out and been very clear what his priority is. The question is do you want to continue to put up with it when you both have such differing expectations?

My young daughter has a birthday very, very close to Christmas. She's always had her birthday party either the last weekend before they break up for Christmas, or the first weekend after they go back in January, because she understands that the important thing is that she gets to celebrate with the people important to her on a day that they can make. She doesn't throw a party on Xmas day, and then have a huge tantrum because people already have pre-existing plans or other priorities and can't come. She's always been mature enough to understand that - I can't see why a 40 year old can't work it out! If your 40th didn't fall on a weekend day, you'd move your celebration to the nearest weekend, without complaining about it not being the actual day, I'm sure. This is no different.

No,YANBU to want him to skip his event.After all,in your whole time together it sounds as if you would have liked him there for your birthday and he has chosen to go to his hobby,it's not a big ask to want him to celebrate your birthday when and how you want to for a milestone year.

I'd celebrate on the day with my friends/other family. I wouldn't move it to accommodate him and his bloody final. I'd also make plans to do something I loved on his birthday. Every year. I think this OP> In fact I think I'd probably make plans to be away and let him deal with arranging child care. I'd also absolutely ignore his birthday.

"Any partner that consistently and without hesitation or reservation puts their hobby above their partner doesn't really want to be married I think."

Yes I think you're right scottish.

Have a birthday week. Simple.

Agree with scottish and emma.

He's not investing in the marriage and family. That isn't going to change over a birthday.

mrsm4 her husband isn't away for Christmas doing something important. He's going to watch a hobby. It's a pretty poor effort.

I think he's being incredibly selfish. How can you have a birthday on another day? He could put you first for once.
This is why I'm not with a man that's into sport/hobbies above all else anymore. It's tedious.

OP I understand completely what you are saying. I also am not particularly precious about my birthday, but for the last 5 years of my marriage, exdh had always arranged something around that time, so that he wouldn't be there for my birthday. I think I feel a bit like you, I am really not expecting everyone to drop everything, but just once it would have been nice to have actually enjoyed the day, maybe even open a present on the day and feel a little spoiled just for once.

Are you not able to join him on the day of the final, then maybe you make a birthday weekend out of the trip as well?

OP please book a hotel with a friend and just leave for the weekend. He can sort childcare., he can't expect you to be home for your birthday to accommodate him. If he wants to go fine, but he can deal with it.

On "big birthdays" I have been lucky to celebrate with different groups of family and friends doing different things on different days

If you knew he was going to be away, why have you not organised to do something with other people ?

Organize something you enjoy; meal, spa day, day out, holiday

Happy Birthday

^Bingo! I wondered how long it would be before the word "precious" got trotted out.

God forbid a woman should want to be made a fuss of for ONE DAY A YEAR when I suspect she spends the other 364 days prioritising everyone else, and her husband spends them prioritising himself.^

Couldn't have put it better myself Emma

OP it's your 40th. It IS a big deal. I would find it very hard to forgive my DH if he opted out to continue his seasonal hobby as normal on a landmark birthday.

YANBU.

Can you clarify what the mysterious 'hobby' is? At first I thought you meant it was a sporting final he had qualified for, but then you say that he may just watch, in which case there's no need for him to go.

It's not on that he picks going to watch this rather than spend the day with you. My STBXH regularly did other things on my birthday and I now realise that he was a selfish twat.

YANBU OP he is a selfish twat and I think your birthday is a red herring. Is he generally this selfish?

I'm in a similar situation. There are two days out of 365 that someone thinks about me. For Mother's Day and my birthday I get cups of tea. I don't have to slave away all day and my family stop and I actually feel appreciated. And this year I've lost them.
My sons birthday fell on Mother's Day so that was far from stress free. And this year on my birthday we're going to see paw patrol live and then my husband is going to work. Shit.

I agree with the PP for once she wants him to prioritise her over the hobby. Not on any birthday her 40th.

Where is the final happening? Could you book a weekend away near the final and then treat yourself to what ever you fancy (shopping/bath/spa/gym) whilst he watches the final and then he comes straight back to the hotel?

Tell him to enjoy his hobby day out, go out with friends instead, have a really good time and then decide whether you really want to stay with this insensitive wanker who prefers his hobby to you.

I think he's an utter prick, quite honestly. :( for you - even if you do get him to miss his hobby final, he's not going to be gracious about it, and it will be a very hollow "victory", so I wouldn't bother. BUT I wouldn't bother arranging anything with him for another day either, he obviously doesn't give a shit about your birthday, so don't even let him get any enjoyment out of it.
Oh, and go out on his birthday as well - without him.

In response to your question Any ideas of how better to handle this to avoid yet another stand off or me feeling down in the dumps about it yet again

As PPs have said it looks like he's not gonna budge. It's essential therefore you make arrangements with friends and family to have a ruddy good time in his absence he should really be arranging it for you I think

I'm honestly not just saying this to be 'cool' or anything but it genuinely wouldn't bother me. I enjoy birthdays but I'd just move the date and work around it 🤷🏻‍♀️ Why not? That way everyone can have a nice time and get to do what they want - there would be no bitterness, point scoring or game playing and the only small compromise is that it wouldn't be the actual day of your birthday.

If you DH is an arse in general then that's a different matter but if this is generally the only niggle then just work around it.

If you had arranged 10 years ago or whenever you met and made an agreement because of the hobby you knew he had then this wouldn't be happening and you wouldn't feel like this.

I think you just want people to come on here, bash your husband and validate your feelings.