This is what happens on/around my birthday every fucking year

[thetubbytrain]

DH has always had a major event happen on or around my birthday each year, a huge final linked to one of his many hobbies. He has been attending the event ever since he was a teenager and it often takes him away for the whole weekend.
The first year we were together, we managed to compromise and he drove back in the early hours to be back for my birthday. The second year, we celebrated the weekend after my birthday and he went to the final the weekend before as my birthday fell in between both weekends, the third year, I'd just given birth to our colicky newborn and he went for the entire weekend leaving me with the baby and my mother. It has continued since with sometimes him going for the whole weekend and sometimes just a night.
I don't want to sound like a birthday brat, but now we have DCs, birthdays are really the only special times we get to spend together as a couple. And I always feel like such a burden to him or after-thought as each year I have to wangle some of his time/attention to celebrate together as a couple away from his hobby. Makes me feel really crappy.

Anyway this year, I turn 40 and the final lands exactly on my birthday. I've mentioned this to DH this morning and explained I don't expect him to attend the final (he often just goes to watch and doesn't actually partake himself).
He argues that he is not willing to miss the final and we can celebrate my birthday another day.
But my birthday isn't another day?
I know I run the risk of sounding like a complete brat here, but I'm just a bit tired of every birthday being like this, a compromise of his time and attention, which ultimately, doesn't make me feel particularly special.
It will.put a real dampener on things for me this year and I'm just really fed up of having this argument with him.
Any ideas of how better to handle this to avoid yet another stand off or me feeling down in the dumps about it yet again?

I turn 40 this year and we are celebrating a week later. It doesnt change the fact I am 40 and the celebration will still be because it is my 40th even though it is a week later.
Same day....week later I cannot see the issue tbh.

The issue is that this is just one, prime, example of the OP feeling undervalued and bottom of her DH's long list of priories.

That is the issue

Not really sure how many times that can be said or in how many ways.

Then the 40th is a red herring.

here's the thing,
If he had said, darling the final falls on your birthday, so I have arranged for us to go away the weekend before, I've booked this lovely whatever for us, and arranged for your mother to have kids for the weekend.

Then, on final day, he is away but huge bunch of flowers gets delivered while he is away with note to say - thinking of you, thank you for being so understanding, you are just as beautiful at 40 as when I married you etc etc

Then there wouldn't be a problem. would there?

The issue isn't the day and the final, the issue is that he doesn't recognise that he is putting his hobby first, that you are coming way down the list in his priorities and that he isn't rising to the occasion of a special birthday.

I totally understand why you are upset. When the time is right, the discussion isn't so much about the day itself, the discussion is about priorities and what they are and how he treats you and when does he put you and dcs above everything else, and selfishness (the newborn one was inexcusable) Life changes when you have afamily, you can't follow your hobby in the same way you coudl when you were a teenager. He needs to grow up.

Steppemum - excellent post.

I'm with Stepmun. I'm not sure I would be amazingly romantic but I would talk to my partner and arrange something. I also know that if I did that my partner would be fine too. She would know how important whatever it was, was.

It's basically give and take, not just giving and not just taking.

Thanks steppemum

I totally get where you are coming from.

For my 40th, I wanted to go away for the weekend. I had a terrible few months (made redundant) and didn't want any fuss, just to slope of somewhere fancy. Performing at a gig came up the weekend we were supposed to be going and DP opted to do that instead. I was really upset. He argued, but the whole weekend isn't your birthday, and tried to make out I was unreasonable!

He then arranged a surprise lunch instead a week later but I'd wanted to avoid having a gathering of any kind, which he knew. I was also pregnant but nobody knew so had to hide the fact I wasn't drinking and watch him and everybody else get hammered.

Being the bottom of his priorities has continued ever since, in fact I had a go at him about it only the other day.

Steppermum has it right - its about knowing you're bottom of the pile and even when you tell them it upsets you, they still don't care.

I'd be super pissed off too. Nothing special was done for my 40th or 50th, I arranged my own parties or there would have been nothing. This is yet another reason why I have no husband anymore. I have yet to find a husband who is more into me than his own selfish shit.

What steppemum said.

I've never understood the MN line that you can't expect someone to give up their hobbies, especially long standing ones. Life changes completely when you have kids. At that point you reallocate your time, first to kids, partner, work, housework and finally, a long long way down the list and only if there is any time left over, to hobbies.

This is a special birthday, so I think he should stay at home. All other years I think life goes on. 10,13,18,21,30,40,50 etc special. Can you compromise that you both go to a spa hotel near the final? He goes to the final, you relax at the spa, meet in the evening.

OP. I'm sorry you're in this situation. This is what I think you should do.

Let him go to this hobby, but on your actual birthday ask your mum to have the DC and check into a spa with a few friends. Have the kind of day you wouldn't invite him to anyway - champagne all the way and some lovely treatments and relaxation. Even stay the night if you can, so you don't feel rushed.

Tell him you understand his hobby is a big deal to him, but also tell him in no uncertain terms, that by exactly the same token, your 40th is a BIG DEAL TO YOU. As his wife and mother of his children you are expecting him to mark it in an appropriate way (and soon). If there is a particular gift you would like drop a strong hint. A diamond something is always nice for a landmark birthday as is a weekend away. Then tell him you will say no more on the matter but the ball is in his court.

Wait and see what he comes up with. Hopefully he will more than make it up to you. If not, give him hell and don't facilitate his hobby again.
Fingers crossed for you!

"We've had a tough year"

"I have also tried talking to DH, but he says it's not the right time for us to talk about it"

"I think it's more than just it being my birthday and more to do with the bigger picture of generally not feeling worthy, valued or important. I guess actions speak louder than words and I'm finding some of his choices quite hurtful of late."

You sound very sad, deflated and resigned when you write about him and the relationship, OP You deserve so much better than this. FWIW I think it's ultimatum time. I would insist on couple's counselling and give him 6 months to show through his actions and behaviour that he is prioritising his relationship and family. If he refuses, or promises but doesn't follow through, it's over.

Might sound drastic but you can't go on like this, OP. You really can't.

He is just not the kind of guy to come up with any of the nice ideas that have been suggested. And its not the same if you have to explain what he has to do! TBF he doesn't expect much birthday fuss from the OP either although they both bake each other a cake etc If doing something with family isn't an option either then OP needs to think of something lovely to do - perhaps with DCs?

The OP needs to decide how she wants to go forward, aside from her birthday...

I would want my dh to do the thing that was important to him. He'd spoil me and make a fuss of me regardless, I honestly couldn't give a monkeys if he wasn't around on the actual day.

i know u cant elaborate but the wrong time to talk about why he wont put u first?

thats what it comes down to really doesnt it

Tell him to fucking stop. Me and my DP often celebrate events later but that is due to exams/massive projects/ family commitments ( our families are v long distance from us) ... a hobby can fuck off , you're his wife .

I'm sorry he's not making you feel special.

He should be offering to stay and giving you the space to insist 'Don't be silly, you must go, we can do it another time'. Love is supposed to be about wanting the other person's happiness above your own, and he doesn't seem to be doing this, which is making you try to insist on what he's not offering rather than giving you the space to be the 'cool wife' who's chill with celebrating her birthday another day, that every other lying MNer seems to be.

I would be very hurt if my partner went away for an important birthday without even acknowledging that this is quite a big deal and something that needs careful negotiation not just arrogant assumption. I'm so sorry that he is being selfish and thoughtless. You deserve better.

I think the 'arrogant assumption' has a large part to play here. You're right. Had he been better willing to celebrate with me and not just arrogantly assume that I "should" be ok with it, I'd find it easier to give my blessing.

I'm more intrigued as to what sport this is that his team gets to "the final" every year....

Time to start playing by his rules, I'm afraid. Organise your life with no regard to him, assume he will fall in. When he complains, look at him in surprise that he is being so unreasonable. Then do it anyway.

I asked and asked my DH to be more considerate. He couldn't. Now he looks a bit surprised when I just carry on as he does. The relationship isn't as close as I would once have liked, but at least I don't feel taken advantage of.

I'm not surprised he assumed tbh, he's done the same every year without you objecting too strongly!

I'm more intrigued as to what sport this is that his team gets to "the final" every year....

When I was growing up we would watch the Boat Race and every single year without fail, my lovely dad would say "isn't it amazing how the same two teams get to final every year!" And every year he'd laugh like a drain.

I now use the same joke with my DC. They look at me all just like I did to my dad.

I do think he has probably lost the idea that he is actually missing your birthday. If, every year, you do something on a different day then he probably feels he is fully partaking in your birthday - he is doing it all, he gets to go to the final and celebrate your birthday.

However this isn't working for you, understandably so, therefore if you arrange something for your actual birthday this year he will then have to decide which is most important to him. He may come to realise that actually this arrangement has been a very one sided compromise that you are unwilling to continue.

don't be a martyr here. he won't notice and you'll feel even more hurt and resentful. make sure your birthday is special and that YOU make a fuss of yourself in whatever way will make you happiest.

the damage is already done by your dh - he can take steps to remediate, but his instinct was to put his hobby first. very hurtful.

my dh doesn't make any effort whatsoever. in fact this year he didn't even bother to ask the kids to make me a card so i woke up on my birthday to absolutely nothing. nothing at all. nothing planned. no presents. no cards. when the kids realised it was my birthday they were mortified which made me even more upset. he'd even taken the afternoon off the day before so i thought he might have organised something with them. but no. nothing. it transpired he'd read and slept all afternoon. i get where you're coming from.