This is what happens on/around my birthday every fucking year

[thetubbytrain]

DH has always had a major event happen on or around my birthday each year, a huge final linked to one of his many hobbies. He has been attending the event ever since he was a teenager and it often takes him away for the whole weekend.
The first year we were together, we managed to compromise and he drove back in the early hours to be back for my birthday. The second year, we celebrated the weekend after my birthday and he went to the final the weekend before as my birthday fell in between both weekends, the third year, I'd just given birth to our colicky newborn and he went for the entire weekend leaving me with the baby and my mother. It has continued since with sometimes him going for the whole weekend and sometimes just a night.
I don't want to sound like a birthday brat, but now we have DCs, birthdays are really the only special times we get to spend together as a couple. And I always feel like such a burden to him or after-thought as each year I have to wangle some of his time/attention to celebrate together as a couple away from his hobby. Makes me feel really crappy.

Anyway this year, I turn 40 and the final lands exactly on my birthday. I've mentioned this to DH this morning and explained I don't expect him to attend the final (he often just goes to watch and doesn't actually partake himself).
He argues that he is not willing to miss the final and we can celebrate my birthday another day.
But my birthday isn't another day?
I know I run the risk of sounding like a complete brat here, but I'm just a bit tired of every birthday being like this, a compromise of his time and attention, which ultimately, doesn't make me feel particularly special.
It will.put a real dampener on things for me this year and I'm just really fed up of having this argument with him.
Any ideas of how better to handle this to avoid yet another stand off or me feeling down in the dumps about it yet again?

It's the final - it is when it is. It's not like he gets to choose the date.

The thing for me would be how he is the rest of the year. If he's great & pulls his weight, is interested in family life & me and isn't a selfish arse then although it would be annoying, I wouldn't see my arse over it.

However, if this is typical of his attitude day in, day out, I wouldn't see my arse over it either. I'd just tell him to move out. He wouldn't get to constantly cherry pick & piss me off. Life's too short.

mrholmes
My view is that he's made his feelings clear on his hobby for years. Much as I don't agree with his priorities, I think expecting him to change his outlook suddenly is a bit daft.
They can celebrate her birthday on another day and it really isn't the end of the world. It's not any less of a special celebration if it's on another day.

However, IF he ROUTINELY places his hobby above his family and it affects other elements of their life then that does tell me his priorities and his priority isn't his marriage and family. If that is the case then the OP may be better off without him.

I would arrange a big party and let everyone know what a selfish tw* he is when they start asking where he is. Then I'd bin him and find someone who gives a* shit!

What about his birthday OP? Is he someone who just doesn't think birthdays are a big deal or is a hypocrite who just ignores your birthday?

The way I see it though it should be something he just automatically sacrifices on his own or once you mention it. Now if you do somehow force him to miss it he's going to be resentful. Either celebrate without him with your friends and family, or celebrate the week after. But you have my sympathies - YANBU.

The day after your birthday is not your birthday, I agree.

You've compromised every other time. Tell him you are not compromising for your 40th. I feel like this is already ruining your birthday.

Personally I would compromise but it would depend on the bigger picture.

But the OP compromises every year Hdgshsksk. When is it his turn to compromise? Like in, you know, a partnership.

I wouldn't have a problem celebrating it the week before or after tbh. My friends and I have all recently had our 40ths and celebrations were typically spread over the birthday month at convenient times. The day itself isn't necessarily the high point.

You can still do something special on the day, with someone else.

If there are no other issues, I wouldn't get upset about it. Depends on the big picture really.

It's the final - it is when it is. It's not like he gets to choose the date
Well the OP hasnt chosen the date of her b'day either! She doesnt get to chose really does she?

Which is why there is a need to compromise between his needs to go to the final and her needs to have a b'day party on her b'day.

As plenty of poster have highlighted, its easy to be flexible when its a normal working day. Maybe its time for him to be flexible too on one of the few years where her b'day is at the weekend (2 out of 7)

Thanks Cato, I do the highlighted posts thing already but on my phone it's a pain to scroll when all I really want to do is read if the OP has been back (maybe I need a new hobby!)

On the morning when he is due to leave, slyly pack your bags and go away for your 40th celebrations and leave him with the kids. I don't think you are being precious, I think he is. He cannot give yo his hobble one year for the sake of your 40th birthday, selfish!

This is one of his MANY HOBBIES. Is he ever at home?

I'd get some overnight childcare sorted (parents?) and organise a meal / drinks / gathering down the pub with as many friends as you can muster (could you get them to put aside some space for you all?). Tell them your "d"h has deserted you again and you'd really like their help to mark it as a special day. Lie in the next am to get over the hang-over (or stay somewhere if "d"h will be back.

Hdgsksk -not have a big party when he isn't there out of spite- have a big party on her birthday because she wants to celebrate. She's not choosing a day when he isn't there, he's choosing to be away on her birthday.
Those of us suggesting it heard the OP say she wants to do something nice on her birthday. We feel she shouldn't have to wait for him to be present, she should do it. On her birthday. Because that is what doing something on your birthday means. Unless you want her to sit at home twiddling her thumbs?
We're just saying don't let him stop you, go for it!

My DH has never been particularly bothered about his birthday. Until his 40th, when he decided that we needed to go somewhere special and do something special, at great expense. So we did.
This year was his 41st birthday - and it was back to understated something or other, he wasn't that bothered, and then out for family dinner in the evening.

Even if people aren't generally bothered about their birthdays, there can still be something a bit special about changing decades!

I'd organise a big party that he isn't invited to.

My exH used to go away to support a friend of his in a sporting activity every year - when this event clashed with his sisters 50th, I categorically told him he should not go (he fully intended to). He didn't in the end and his sister confessed she was so touched that he'd () made the effort.

Why isn't any of your DH's family telling him what a selfish twat he is being??

I hear you! My 40th is this year and being 6 days before Christmas will be crap for getting people. So I'm going to visit a good friend and have a good weekend with my hubby, kids and her family x

I'm with QuimReaper. And not just because of the brilliant user name

It's not having a party 'out of spite' - it's having a party because It's your birthday.

what day of the week is your birthday going to be on? weekend or week day?

Lots of responses. Wow. Didn't expect that. Just to answer a few questions: I hadnt really wanted a big, all out friends and family party as it's just not me, I'd literally hoped for a cosy, romantic weekend together and now trying to accommodate something else which does not involve him just disappoints me massively. We've had a tough year and I was hoping for a little special time to, you know, kind of bring us together a bit more. It seemed like a good opportunity. May be I am putting my energy into the wrong person and should make more effort to involve friends in the celebration instead. I have also tried talking to DH, but he says it's not the right time for us to talk about it, can't go into detail on that, but this is why I've come on MN, I have a lot to think about and talk about as I'm v expressive and no outlet.
I wonder what might have happened had I not asked DH what day the final fell on this year as it only came out when I asked him today. I think there have been several signs over the years as to where I stand in terms of DH's priorities and I'm finding this quite difficult to come to terms with now.
I have told DH how much I'm dreading turning 40, lots of thoughts about getting older etc have been consuming me and he knows this, seems like a real blow to then be told he won't be spending it with me.
I think it's more than just it being my birthday and more to do with the bigger picture of generally not feeling worthy, valued or important. I guess actions speak louder than words and I'm finding some of his choices quite hurtful of late. Thanks posters.

it's more than just it being my birthday and more to do with the bigger picture of generally not feeling worthy, valued or important. I guess actions speak louder than words and I'm finding some of his choices quite hurtful of late

Yep that did shine through in your OP.
Have you ever managed to talk about it with him (bar now where it seems that it really inst the right time for him)?

If he hasn't ever been bothered about your birthday, even when you had a newborn baby, then I'm surprised you even thought he would change his plans this year. I would make other plans.

What happens with his birthday Train? (Can't call you Tubby!)

Does he expect a fuss/ celebration?

To be fair to him. No he doesn't. He's really not bothered about birthdays in general. He usually makes a nice effort though, will usually bake me a cake! But we have issues when the final lands on/very close to my birthday and he's likely to be quite absorbed in the final even if he did stay with me to celebrate.
My family are pretty unreliable to be honest, which DH is fully aware of, so u may just write this year off completely and ignore it. Don't want to set myself up for disappointment.

*we tend to bake each other a cake on birthdays. Just something we do for rach other. He always appreciates my efforts and he usually asks for a bit of cash to spend on whatever he wants. No biggy, just a couple of kind gestures, homemade card from the kids, that sort of thing.