This is what happens on/around my birthday every fucking year

[thetubbytrain]

DH has always had a major event happen on or around my birthday each year, a huge final linked to one of his many hobbies. He has been attending the event ever since he was a teenager and it often takes him away for the whole weekend.
The first year we were together, we managed to compromise and he drove back in the early hours to be back for my birthday. The second year, we celebrated the weekend after my birthday and he went to the final the weekend before as my birthday fell in between both weekends, the third year, I'd just given birth to our colicky newborn and he went for the entire weekend leaving me with the baby and my mother. It has continued since with sometimes him going for the whole weekend and sometimes just a night.
I don't want to sound like a birthday brat, but now we have DCs, birthdays are really the only special times we get to spend together as a couple. And I always feel like such a burden to him or after-thought as each year I have to wangle some of his time/attention to celebrate together as a couple away from his hobby. Makes me feel really crappy.

Anyway this year, I turn 40 and the final lands exactly on my birthday. I've mentioned this to DH this morning and explained I don't expect him to attend the final (he often just goes to watch and doesn't actually partake himself).
He argues that he is not willing to miss the final and we can celebrate my birthday another day.
But my birthday isn't another day?
I know I run the risk of sounding like a complete brat here, but I'm just a bit tired of every birthday being like this, a compromise of his time and attention, which ultimately, doesn't make me feel particularly special.
It will.put a real dampener on things for me this year and I'm just really fed up of having this argument with him.
Any ideas of how better to handle this to avoid yet another stand off or me feeling down in the dumps about it yet again?

But I'm sure you are there with your daughter on the actual day, right?

Have you got a close friend who can throw you a "surprise" party on the day? Imagine him trying to wriggle out of that one. He wouldn't be able to get the arse with you on the lead up because it would "spoil the surprise".

You can't win here because if he gives up the final for your birthday he'll either be a grumpy twat all day or play the martyr. So I wouldn't bother asking him again.
Just plan something special with the other important people in your life and don't even mention it to him. It's obviously not important to him.

Absolutely this. Arrange your own thing on the day and don't mention it to him except if he asks. Don't arrange anything for another day - that's his job (he probably won't bother). If people ask where he is - tell them - just in a matter-of-fact way. Then they will know where his priorities are. I wouldn't want someone at my birthday who so evidently doesn't want to be there.

Out of interest, does he enjoy celebrating his birthday?

I wonder this too - could you find some important engagement on his birthday? Whenever his next birthday is, I would do exactly the same for him as he does for this birthday of yours.

It's her 40th mrholmes

Her FORTIETH.

Plus; MN is a place to test if feelings are valid.

In this case the majority seems to think the OPs are.

yes, i think you shouldn't ask him to not go. assume he's going and quietly plan your own celebration. really go to town.

for his birthday do exactly as he's done for yours. if that means going away for the weekend, go. leave the kids with him.

i know it sounds tit for tat, but i genuinely don't think he realises how his actions must hurt. or if he does he's a complete twat.

Is there a hobby you could take up op?

If I were you I'd book a fabulous trip with friend/sister for your 40th. Blow the bank and see how he reacts when you drop it into conversation that he'll need to get child care etc as you'll be away for your special milestone birthday.

Don't allow him to be 'everything' to you. Start stepping out and living for you in a few years the children will have moved out etc. How do you want to be defined?

I love my birthday. I always take the day off work and do something nice just for me...don't get much of a chance to the rest of the year.

On a normal birthday, DH going to an event wouldn't bother me too much but on my 40th I'd be very pissed off and upset as well. Surely he can miss it for one year? However, if he wouldn't willingly miss it then I wouldn't make him - I would want him to WANT to spend my birthday with me.

I'd plan something lovely to do myself with friends or family on the day and celebrate with him another time. He'd better come up with a bloody good present though.

Plan a party as if you were single. Don't cover for him or pretend you are fine with him being away, generally men who treat their dws like they aren't important rely on their dws pretending publicly they don't mind so that they aren't embarrassed.

Huge party, all your friends, both of yours and his families, tell them you wanted DH to come along but he refused.

Or go away with friends.

Assuming he expects you to look after the dc that weekend? Would he consider taking them with him or is that your job to sort out if you both make plans?

I suppose I just don't care about birthdays. This isn't a new thing. This has happened consistently.

The definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result

Regardless of 40th or not. His hobby which again I don't understand how it could be so important has been important to him for a long time, the OP knew and knows this, so why is she surprised and why haven't they tried to rectify this together.

I'd also go for the celebrate with your DC or friends on the day without him. Go out for a picnic or cocktails and just stuff him. 40th is a big birthday and he could prioritise his family but is choosing not to.

What's the hobby?

It wouldn't bother me as I celebrate my birthday when it's convenient (something I organise).

How is he otherwise? How does he celebrate his own birthday and how big a deal is it to him?

But in your shoes I'd book something with friends and have a brilliant time and then celebrate with your family another time.

'move your birthday' I've really heard it all now. 'You're 40 not 14' - typical Mumsnet birthday bullshit.

Find a better partner. Treat yourself for your 40th birthday and end this relationship where you are made to feel so unimportant.

What happens for his birthday?

BIL is a football fan. He put it in front of everything else - SILs IVF, baby's due date, SILs PND, all family commitments. He's my ex-BIL now. SIL never came first and it mattered to her.

If he does go then it would be a cold day in hell before I did anything for his birthday in the future.

He sounds horribly selfish

my dh booked time off work for my 40th other birthdays im not bothered about too much

but he made the effort-which your dh doesnt seem to want to do

what would happen if u went into labour the day of this final would he come home?

Not sure f it's your birthday itself OP or the fact that this man doesn't seem to appreciate you. For various reasons we can't always celebrate my birthday on the day. But from time to time my dh does really push the boat out and take me somewhere special. This more than makes up for it.
If it's the lack of appreciation, then I'd sit him down and explain what it is exactly you need for him to make you feel valued - weekend away, special meal out, him doing all chores during day, then cooking you a lovely meal, taking you to theatre, whatever it is. If he still is unwilling to do this, then you have a choice to make: stay with the selfish fucker or find someone who really cares for you and not just himself.

I think your issue here s the fact you feel you are always coming second for him and you can only get little crumbs of his attention.

I suspect this is not about your b'day or the final. Its about the fact he doesnt make an effort for yoou and makes you feel valued.

As a guess, its your b'day, he isnt there but isnt making any plans for your b'day to make it a nice occasion on a different weekend?
Your b'day inst the only occurence of that sort of behaviour where he comes first and you send at best.

You are not at a point where you can avoided an argument. By experience with DH, the only way thing changed was when i spelled it out to him. Not the 'you're not here for xxx' but how inconsiderate he was, how he always thougt about himself first etc... not about the b'day party but about his overall behaviour.

The reality is that, if you re not making a stand re him actually being caring towards you, it will just carry on and yu will get moe an more ressentful.

If the issue is just on yur b'day and he is perfect re thinking abbout you and your needs at any outer time in the year, then forget what I said above and just organise something on another day.

I suppose I just don't care about birthdays. This isn't a new thing. This has happened consistently.

I'm not picking on you mrholmes I'm honestly not but some folk do care about birthdays. They can be a nice day to get loved ones together and a chance to feel valued and loved when maybe being a mum/wife/chairman of the board can make that feeling disappear for much of our daily lives.

Agree with the consistency thing but wouldn't you want to make a special effort for a landmark birthday?

I suspect the OP does want to celebrate her birthday with her husband but has had to put her feelings to one side for many years and "be cool with it".

I'd recommend ignoring his birthday, possibly each year until he gets the message. However, he may not expect a fuss and it won't register at all if you're too subtle. Maybe his own family didn't expect a fuss over birthdays so it's just how it is with him.

kittybiscuits I'm the typical Mumsnet bullshitter who said "40 not 14". And I stand by that. If my 40th birthday had fallen on a Wednesday, assuming I and all those I'd like to be there had to work in the morning, I'd rearrange for a Saturday night. Because I'm an adult and I understand that a birthday can actually be celebrated on another day. It's a thing don't you know?

However, in typical Mumsnet bullshit fashion, you have entirely missed my other points.

This is not about the birthday. This is about the OP's expectation that her husband chooses her above his hobby. Most of us agree that this is not unreasonable.

Fact of the matter is, however, he hasn't in previous years and he will not in this year. The OP continues to lay down the gauntlet every year; "It's my birthday. Will you choose me or your hobby?" He has always chosen his hobby. He will not change.

Now, what the OP needs to do is decide; can she live with this? Can she accept that this is her life with him? If she can, well then, take the advice here. Celebrate once with friends and family or postpone and celebrate with him (when he want to be there) or celebrate twice.

Or of course the other typically option is LTB.

*typically Mumsnet option is LTB

Arrange your own thing on the day and don't mention it to him except if he asks. Don't arrange anything for another day - that's his job (he probably won't bother). If people ask where he is - tell them - just in a matter-of-fact way. Then they will know where his priorities are. I wouldn't want someone at my birthday who so evidently doesn't want to be there

Plan a party as if you were single. Don't cover for him or pretend you are fine with him being away, generally men who treat their dws like they aren't important rely on their dws pretending publicly they don't mind so that they aren't embarrassed

I think planning a party or event when you know he will be away would be spiteful and unpleasant. Even if you think he is behaving like a dick doing something dick'ish yourself isn't going to help. It's just going to end up with drama and resentment all around. If you genuinely feel unable to celebrate your birthday on another day then at least discuss it with him beforehand and sort it out like adults. Doing tit for tat nonsense is childish.

It's not acceptable, and you already can't win because as others have said he will ruin the day for you by moping around.

I'd at least hope that he is planning something really lovely for you as close to the date as possible, and preferably something that you can do together- not just a gift. You can then have a lovely day with other people.

If he doesn't, knowing that this means a lot to you then it speaks volumes about his priorities.

I would be OK with this, IF he gets you a fantastic (not necess expensive, but thoughtful) present on the day and makes an effort to celebrate with you on another day as close as possible to the date itself.

How is he otherwise? I have a feeling this would bother you less if you got enough care, support and attention throughout the year. If he is otherwise great, and willing to celebrate on another day, then I think you are being precious. If not, this is a symptom of a deeper issue.