This is what happens on/around my birthday every fucking year

[thetubbytrain]

DH has always had a major event happen on or around my birthday each year, a huge final linked to one of his many hobbies. He has been attending the event ever since he was a teenager and it often takes him away for the whole weekend.
The first year we were together, we managed to compromise and he drove back in the early hours to be back for my birthday. The second year, we celebrated the weekend after my birthday and he went to the final the weekend before as my birthday fell in between both weekends, the third year, I'd just given birth to our colicky newborn and he went for the entire weekend leaving me with the baby and my mother. It has continued since with sometimes him going for the whole weekend and sometimes just a night.
I don't want to sound like a birthday brat, but now we have DCs, birthdays are really the only special times we get to spend together as a couple. And I always feel like such a burden to him or after-thought as each year I have to wangle some of his time/attention to celebrate together as a couple away from his hobby. Makes me feel really crappy.

Anyway this year, I turn 40 and the final lands exactly on my birthday. I've mentioned this to DH this morning and explained I don't expect him to attend the final (he often just goes to watch and doesn't actually partake himself).
He argues that he is not willing to miss the final and we can celebrate my birthday another day.
But my birthday isn't another day?
I know I run the risk of sounding like a complete brat here, but I'm just a bit tired of every birthday being like this, a compromise of his time and attention, which ultimately, doesn't make me feel particularly special.
It will.put a real dampener on things for me this year and I'm just really fed up of having this argument with him.
Any ideas of how better to handle this to avoid yet another stand off or me feeling down in the dumps about it yet again?

Its your 40th. Its perfectly acceptable to want to celebrate your 40th on your actual birthday (particuarly given that it sounds as if it is over a weekend - ideal time to throw a party I would think).

So yeah, he's priortising himself on the one day of the year that you should be able to rely on him to think of you first.

Funny thing is that I think (given your past history of adapting your birthday to suit him) if he had offered to forgo his hobby for that day I suspect you'd have said no and celebrated on a different day or had two parties/birthday dinners.

Its his refusal to change his routine that is the problem.

I don't have any solutions (the ones above - celebrating without him etc sound fine) but it wont solve the original issue which is that you rank less important than the hobby.

I hate the line about knowing this was his hobby from when you met him so he should be allowed for it to continue. He knew when your birthday was when he met you. I really don't see why he can't give it up on this occasion.

But it's just a birthday! I turn 50 this year, and on my birthday my OH will be down in Stone Henge on a dig. Having said that, I'm not one of these people who celebrate birthdays in a major way anyway. We'll just go out when he gets back a few days later.

But it's not just a birthday to the OP. Maybe for once she would like to be the priority.

TheLegendOfBeans Don't think you are picking on me. We've got a snapshot of the birthday issue. If th OH Is a perfect husband the rest of the time then I don't think it's an issue. If everything else always comes before the OP then that is what the real issue is here.

I just don't understand why she thought it would be any different and sets herself up for disappointment!

I get ya, I do.

peace sign

I'm the typical Mumsnet bullshitter who said "40 not 14". And I stand by that. If my 40th birthday had fallen on a Wednesday, assuming I and all those I'd like to be there had to work in the morning, I'd rearrange for a Saturday night. Because I'm an adult and I understand that a birthday can actually be celebrated on another day. It's a thing don't you know?
Same. Some of my friends have birthdays 3 weeks later because we're all teachers and exam season is stressful so we celebrate their birthday after the exam classes have left and we can all let our hair down. We're not less caring friends because of it.

The major issue in this situation isn't the birthday, it's the fact that the DH routinely puts his hobby above his family.

You cannot move your birthday! Then it completely misses the point. Of course you can choose to do something on another day but that then becomes a celebration because it has recently been your birthday. Your birthday can only ever be on that specific day because it marks the day you were born.

I think I would have asked him to miss it but if he didn't want to I wouldn't push it. I'd rather spend it with people who aren't wishing they were somewhere else. It's not a LTB situation but he would have a bit of making up to do.

I hate the line about knowing this was his hobby from when you met him so he should be allowed for it to continue. He knew when your birthday was when he met you. I really don't see why he can't give it up on this occasion
It's not you knew he has a hobby when you met him, it's his ATTITUDE towards his hobby and the fact it has been clearly his priority for years. That attitude isn't going to change now.

Hdgs - it's not just about being "dickish" to have the party without him- it's saying no, I won't protect you from the consequences of choosing not to prioritise me even once.

He seems to think he can give the op a choice between celebrating a different day or not at all. He gets to pretend to himself and everyone else that his wife is ok with this. She's not so shouldn't protect him from that.

He can only say "I won't be around on your birthday", not "I won't be around so you don't get to celebrate your birthday on your actual birthday". It often takes other people's reactions to make selfish people realise they are being selfish.

Hdgshsksk " I think planning a party or event when you know he will be away would be spiteful and unpleasant. "

It's her 40th birthday, same day every year. He's planned to be away for it, he's the one being spiteful and unpleasant.

I'd feel upset too if it were me because he's saying "I'd rather do my hobby than celebrate your birthday on the day" which is not exactly flattering is it.

Problem here is we have "a huge final linked to one of his many hobbies" and a birthday. One could argue they are both equally important to each person, so who compromises? Ordinarily I'd say the event that is arranged by others (so the date can't be moved), such as the final, can't be conpromised on, but the birthday can be moved slightly and celebrated another day. But as this is a milestone birthday that lands exactly on the weekend this year emotions are running higher. Personally I'd want my partner to give up the hobby for that year for those reasons, but I'd only want him to do that off his own back rather than being asked, otherwise he's still saying he'd rather be somewhere else.

In this scenario I'd suggest discussing having a birthday week with him (where he arranges something great) and have a birthday weekend with friends. I agree with others that you aren't going to win this battle unfortunately.

LTB

No. Not really - but if I was married to a man who didn't care enough to fit my birthday in the marriage wouldn't last.

A 40th is a big deal. As are all the ones ending in 0.

It's his turn to compromise now.

You could flip this on its head too and say this event is something very special to the DH and the birthday can be celebrated the day before or day after but the final won't move.

My 40th didn't fall at a weekend so I celebrated not on my birthday (shock!) as will many others.

This is about priorities! His priority is his hobby and that's fine for him. He's getting absolutely everything he wants - however sometimes it's nice to feel special (especially on a big birthday) so I don't think you're being unreasonable to feel a bit miffed.
Ask him what he has in mind for your 40th (he gets to organise something fabulous to spoil you) and go out and celebrate with friends and family on the day.

I have a DH who prioritises his 'hobby' over everything else, including leaving me to cope alone with reflux baby (DC 1) and again, leaving me with a very sick newborn (DC2) and energetic toddler for a long weekend away. It has damaged our relationship tbh. I don't respect him as much and even though he acknowledges it he's not done much about it.

This month I could have gone to an event that's important to me, but it clashed with his regular monthly event. So no, he wouldn't budge on it, despite the disparity in the past. Mostly he's a good partner. But this is really a kick in the chuff.

Its your 40th, it is a special day and your DH is being shite.

Hdgshsksk
Why would it be unpleasant and spiteful to organise something wo him exactely?
He CHOOSE his hobby to his dw. He CHOOSE to go away on that particular weekend even though the OP specifically asked him not to, that she wanted to celebrate her b'day etc..
So why should she ONCE AGAIN accommodate him when he never accommodates her??
Its not spiteful. Its the consequence if his choice and his behaviour. A consequence of not having any care at all for her needs and wants compare to his.

Why are birthdays the only chance you get to sound couple time together? When your h never spends your birthday with you?

He sounds totally selfish, op. Don't move your birthday! Celebrate on the day how you want to, with who you want to.

Btw, how much time for you get to yourself to do your hobbies/watch your hobbies/go away for the weekend??

As it is a milestone birthday I think you are not unreasonable to expect him to miss it this year but only if you intend on actually having plans to celebrate. I'm going to be out of the country on my 40th dh has known this for years he's still got 3.5 to plan something

Other birthdays I'm a bit more meh about as don't see the fuss in them once you're an adult.

If my 40th birthday had fallen on a Wednesday, assuming I and all those I'd like to be there had to work in the morning, I'd rearrange for a Saturday night. Because I'm an adult and I understand that a birthday can actually be celebrated on another day. It's a thing don't you know?

I think everyone does that when their birthday falls on a weekday, but if your birthday falls on a Saturday (as I'm guessing OP's does this year?), having to celebrate it the following week is rather galling.

All what you say only applies if the DH is also making concessions some of the time so that he makes an effort some of the time and she makes an effort some of the time.

So far, the OP has always been the one to make the effort. When will it be the turn of her DH to do so??

I wouldn't want him to miss his precious hobby now. Can you imagine the martyred face on him?

YANBU to expect your DH to give you priority every few years but after he left you alone with a colicky baby he's shown where his priorities lie.

As pps have said carry on without him. I know it's about the principle rather than the shindig but you're simply not a priority to him. Sod him. Sideways.

Just be grateful that you have somebody to celebrate your birthday with, whether it be on the day itself or another day. I have no one.

It's not the point of doing something on the day itself. Most people celebrate events a few days either side due to other comittments. It's the fact that he has made this utterly non negotiable. If he had shown willingness to forego the final just this once, its likely OP would have appreciated the gesture and been flexible about arrangements for he birthday.

This wouldn't bother me at all. He's always gone. Why should he miss it just cause you're 40. Do something with friends on the day then with him a different day. Equally though I hope you get a weekend away every year. If you don't, that's the problem.