This is what happens on/around my birthday every fucking year

[thetubbytrain]

DH has always had a major event happen on or around my birthday each year, a huge final linked to one of his many hobbies. He has been attending the event ever since he was a teenager and it often takes him away for the whole weekend.
The first year we were together, we managed to compromise and he drove back in the early hours to be back for my birthday. The second year, we celebrated the weekend after my birthday and he went to the final the weekend before as my birthday fell in between both weekends, the third year, I'd just given birth to our colicky newborn and he went for the entire weekend leaving me with the baby and my mother. It has continued since with sometimes him going for the whole weekend and sometimes just a night.
I don't want to sound like a birthday brat, but now we have DCs, birthdays are really the only special times we get to spend together as a couple. And I always feel like such a burden to him or after-thought as each year I have to wangle some of his time/attention to celebrate together as a couple away from his hobby. Makes me feel really crappy.

Anyway this year, I turn 40 and the final lands exactly on my birthday. I've mentioned this to DH this morning and explained I don't expect him to attend the final (he often just goes to watch and doesn't actually partake himself).
He argues that he is not willing to miss the final and we can celebrate my birthday another day.
But my birthday isn't another day?
I know I run the risk of sounding like a complete brat here, but I'm just a bit tired of every birthday being like this, a compromise of his time and attention, which ultimately, doesn't make me feel particularly special.
It will.put a real dampener on things for me this year and I'm just really fed up of having this argument with him.
Any ideas of how better to handle this to avoid yet another stand off or me feeling down in the dumps about it yet again?

but if your birthday falls on a Saturday (as I'm guessing OP's does this year?), having to celebrate it the following week is rather galling
Galling?
It's a bit over emotional for a birthday, but maybe that's just me. I'm all for doing something small but find grown adults obsessing about THEIR day just a bit silly.

In my circle we regularly book birthday celebrations when it's convenient to the friendship group. Nobody has a pity party because it's not on their special day.

Again, the issue in the OP situation is that he seems to ROUTINELY put her second to his hobby. Whether a birthday is celebrated on the exact day is a non issue.

I think he could have made some effort for a '0' birthday - what happened on yr 30th birthday?

You seem to have 2_options since yr birthday appears to fall at a weekend: go with him & make a weekend away of it. You can find something nice to do for the actual match but shouldn't be expected to spend the whole weekend with his hobby mates!!! Or arrange something you want to do at home eg party at home or nice dinner out. Tell him yr plans & if he doesn't attend be able to explain evenly where he is. Then celebrate with him, organised by him, another day.

Wanting constant demonstrations that he chooses you over everything would suggest some underlying problem but for a big birthday its valid. My birthday is very close to Xmas so I have never had much of a celebration on the day - restaurants always a nightmare! - the main compensation was never having to go to school :)

Yanbu. I have a thread in aibu about a dh who is similar. It's not just your birthday, it's your 40th and i hate all this football is life shit. There will be loads of other games but not another 40th

Its not the fact that's its your birthday or that its football or whatever BUT the fact that there is no appreciation of the fact that through thick and thin you have been there and this is one day in umpty odd years she wants to be the priority and frankly I don't think she is being unreasonable.

However, that said will you have his attention even if he doesn't go to match. Am recalling a wedding I went to where half the congregation disappeared for 2 hrs whilst the match was on and came back rolling drunk ready for the evening - would any event become an excuse to celebrate the event at home. Fact also is if he does go and she tries to celebrate she is still in charge of kids etc so the responsible adult.

We planned an event for my 40th and had everything organised and then DH managed to upstage me by falling down the stairs and breaking his ankle meaning he sat there like lord muck ordering me to fetch and carry the whole event and I got to do all the tidy up as well. Not my idea of a fun party AT ALL. Can't blame him for that but can call out friends and rellies who did come but didn't bother much on the helping out front.

I think I would take the route of least resistance - send kids to rellie/friends and have a spa overnight with friends on the day and then put the onus on him to sort a weekend away somewhere either side as my pressie

Presumably the final is always at the weekend, whereas your birthday will have fallen on several week days over the years.

You can celebrate your birthday any day. Many people celebrate at the weekend if their birthday is midweek for example.

It's unfortunate that this birthday is on exactly the same day but that means that at least 5 of your next birthdays won't be.

Personally I would celebrate after the final so that you can both enjoy it and he can really spoil you.

He's always gone. Why should he miss it just cause you're 40.

That right there is the reason. Because - for once - maybe he just shouldn't go?

[shoots self]
[hides thread]

Maisy galling, yes, if you'd like to be celebrating that day but you aren't because your husband has prioritised someone else.

There is often this misconception on these threads that people who care about their birthday are like grown women in cake-smeared party frocks stamping their feet and tangling their pigtails about it. When my sister turned 30 I spoiled her rotten, really pushed the boat out, because it was a big birthday and I wanted to because I love her and I wanted her to feel spoiled and loved and special, and that's what we remember now four years later: it was nothing to do with the perfume or the lunch or the theatre trip or any of that. That stuff's all gone but the gesture isn't. The absence of that kind of gesture, especially if it's been there in the past, can really hurt; and in this case it's not just the not-making of the gesture but the not-making of it because of something comparatively less important. I really doubt OP would be feeling hurt if her husband had an actual unavoidable commitment on her birthday. Reading between the lines I'd guess this has been a low-level resentment which has built up over the years, and perhaps OP has hoped over that time that the Big Birthday would be the time that she came first, and it's the disappointment as much as anything.

I agree theres lots of resentment over time, rightly so.
I think it's galling that her husband routinely places her 2nd to his hobby.

It's not galling that an adult might have to celebrate their birthday on a day other than their actual birthday (and the way some people carry on on MN it's all 'I put everyone first and I just want one special day for me')

DH and I always do something small for each other's birthdays. Sometimes it's on the day, most often it's another day because one of us is busy with other stuff that we enjoy. Neither of us has a pity party because that's life.

The issue in the OP situation is he puts his hobby above all else. What day a birthday is celebrated on is inconsequential.

It sounds like the best 40th birthday present you could give yourself is a divorce as you will never be this man's priority over his hobbies.

Fair you are mising the point.
The point isnt that the OP can organise it another weekend like she would do if her b'day was during the week.
The issue is that she NEVER has the choice as to when she will do her b'day because his hobby ALWAYS takes priority.

When her b'day will be during thweek, she will still not be put first and will still have to work around him as to not clash with the all important final.
The issue is that she NEVER comes first. And that's will be the case even when her b'day is during the week.

thetubbytrain not sure if yu are still reading but DH has. Been like this.
The only way I found to ensure he would change is to spell out very clearly how selfish he was and to prove by giving him examples that he was never putting me first.
It was a hard talk and he didnt like it but at least cold hard facts and examples did sink in (better than being upset, saying i was disappointed etc...).
This might work for you too.

Apairofsparklingeyes
I'd agree.
It's not about having a birthday celebration on a set day, it's somebody tolerating their husband treating them as an option whilst expecting her to make him a priority.

"But he's always gone" is not a reason for him to go again this year. It's a reason for him not to go.

I agree. The galling thing is that OP is her DH's option, not priority. And, I suspect that this is only one example of him acting like that.

OP arrange a lovely family and friends BBQ or something and just get on with it without him.

I scrub coal cellars very year on my birthday OP, you could be doing that...

Not really! But someone always has it worse don't they? I hate to see threads descend into Misery Olympics.

What is the sport/activity he does? Why is it so important for him to be there even if he is only there to watch?

The "40 not 14" comment makes no sense at all. 14 isn't a big birthday. 40 is. I bet you celebrate all his birthdays. HE is presumably much nearer 40 than 14. Tell him it's about time he grew up.

I'd plan the biggest and most fantastic birthday celebration on the actual day, without him. Make it such a great party that he'll be sorry he missed it. 40 is a big deal - I made a massive fuss for mine.

now we have DCs, birthdays are really the only special times we get to spend together as a couple

• and nominate another special day in the year as your "Couple Day"

We're all seeing a snapshot of their lives and people are recommending divorce 😩

It would be interesting to hear from the op what he is like generally. The 1st step isn't divorce, the 1st step is expressing needs and wants in a relationship.

The OP has come on here. Has she actually talked to him about this yet??

I can relate I live with a selfish fuckwit too.
Only he prioritises his mother over me and our babies.
Celebrate with friends and family and try to enjoy yourself. Or tell him he can pay for you to go on holiday with friends maybe a weekend away somewhere hot and cultural.

I agree with the big party suggestion. Go for it!

I think PPs missed the point of my post saying it would be spiteful of the OP to arrange a party on her birthday in retaliation to him going to his event. Just because someone else does something that is out of order doesn't mean that you have to do something to 'punish' them. I see that as childish and spiteful. There are other more adult ways of dealing with situations like this.

Personally I would compromise but it would depend on the bigger picture.

So sorry it upsets you, don't know what to suggest as I'm not that bothered about celebrating birthdays so I'd be happy to do it before or after but that doesn't help you. Hope you can manage something to sort it out.

No reply yet from OP?

I wish there was a flag on the thread title to indicate threads where the OP returns to post. Would save scrolling through 100+ posts looking.

Lizzie, you can set up your preferences so OP's posts show in a different colour.

All the posters who are saying that if his hobby is special to him, OK should let him go, it's only a birthday afterall...what about this birthday being special for the OP, Does that not matter? Just because you don't care about birthdays doesn't mean no one else can. I personally love birthdays of my family members and love making a day extra super special for them because we don't always get time in our busy lives.

The OP hasn't stopped him going before, she said she'd compromised, why can't the husband compromise this one year for a change. It's utterly selfish if you ask me.