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What are your boundaries/red lines for dating?

(380 Posts)
Girlywurly Fri 19-May-17 15:02:01

I'm thinking about this today, because yesterday I had to cancel an otherwise promising first date because the guy had still not confirmed details of where/when we were meeting by lunchtime on the day of the date, due to having lots of unscheduled business meetings.

I feel that this is very disrespectful of me, my time, and my work and parenting responsibilities. I'm not going to get all dressed up and sit waiting for my phone to buzz, especially when I've got a babysitter in who I've had to pay for.

The guy in question seemed quite surprised and uncomprehending when I messaged him to say I don't do last minute meets and suggest we were not compatible in this regard.

Got me thinking how everything has different notions of what's acceptable.

So what are your boundaries/red lines for dating?

user1495111236 Fri 19-May-17 15:03:59

I wouldn't be happy with this either. Does he have children? I've found that some people don't quite understand the responsibility/childcare issues that can surround having children and dating.

MartinaMartini Fri 19-May-17 15:06:23

Couldn't you have just asked him earlier what the plans were? Or were you trying to play it cool!?

Girlywurly Fri 19-May-17 15:11:08

Glad I'm not the only one who finds this kind of behaviour unacceptable. His bafflement made me doubt myself and think perhaps I was being a bit princessy?!

I don't think he had kids, as he didn't volunteer this information when I told him about DD. We'd only been chatting online for about a week. I intended to find out more about him when we met.

Obviously, childcare is a big issue for single parents, but I think that, even if I was childless and sitting in my office awaiting confirmation, I'd still be pretty annoyed.

Girlywurly Fri 19-May-17 15:13:04

I just assumed he'd let me know, Martina as that's what's always happened in the past with other guys.

When I did enquire, it was clear he hadn't even planned anything, booked a table, etc. Lazy.

purpleleotard Fri 19-May-17 15:14:23

no way

jouu Fri 19-May-17 15:17:28

I've been in a similar situation op and I also cancelled. The man in question was also astonished. One does wonder what this type of man thinks is involved in childrearing and so on.

My red lines in a practical sense are so many. messing me about on times, standing me up or cancelling at last minute, making rape jokes or racist comments even of the very mild type that most would laugh along with, insisting on paying for everything, any generic "romantic" gestures on an early date (opening car doors, red rose gifts, "romantic" picnics, candlelit nonsense, trying to hold hands, etc - lovely when you know me, creepy when I'm a stranger and you're literally just playing out weird stereotypes with me).

Asking prying questions too early, acting entitled to my time or information about me (that's a massive one - previous abusive rs in play here), showing great interest in my DC (I don't introduce or combine a new man with DC unless it's been at least a year of knowing man - I take an early desire to meet DC as a sign that the man is predatory or wants a foothold in my life that would make it difficult for me to get shut of him later)

I'm massively picky and make no apologies for it. I've had men call me names and tell me I'm a bitch for not giving them a chance etc... Fine with me. Trying to please myself and keep DC safe. How some random man feels isn't my concern.

It's worked well for me, my current dp is a gem.

Toweliton Fri 19-May-17 15:20:08

I agree OP- last minute/late/unreliable types are never worth it. Maybe if you get to know someone as part of an existing relaxed social framework like a big group of mates at uni or something.

But when meeting a complete stranger it's like a job interview - you WANT to give your best impression to be reliable etc.

Interestingly I think some of the guys I've dated who have been "last minute" actually tend to be controlling types- it's not a case of them not being interested in a serious relationship with me (they often are keener than me to move things along )

but they see a relationship as the woman being "on call" to meet the mans demands whilst he gets his own leisure time and social life

(because if you're sitting round waiting on HIS plans you don't get enough headspace or scheduling space to get in that Pilates class or extra overtime or that run or that night out at the theatre with your own friends)

Gallavich Fri 19-May-17 15:34:01

Why did you expect him to sort out arrangements and book a table for the first date? And please tell me you weren't expecting to be taken out for dinner?!

TheStoic Fri 19-May-17 15:40:06

I would've cancelled too, OP.

I understand other people are more flexible and arrange things at the last minute, and that's fine - but someone like that would not be a good match for me.

TheNaze73 Fri 19-May-17 15:41:18

Gallavich has beaten me to it!

Exactly what I was wondering?

Crunchyside Fri 19-May-17 15:42:21

I agree with TheStoic, some people are just easygoing when it comes to arranging things but if you're not that sort of person, or your lifestyle doesn't allow it (which, if you have kids and need babysitters etc, it obviously doesn't) then you're not going to be compatible.

Girlywurly Fri 19-May-17 16:12:06

Very interested to hear your red lines, jouu, especially the one about asking prying questions. I've found a lot of men do something like this: at a weirdly early stage urge me to confide in them about non-existent emotional turmoil which they imagine I am undergoing. Creepy.

Interesting what you say, Towilton about your experience of last minute types also being controlling.

Gallavich and TheNaze, I don't like dinner dates particularly and this isn't what we'd discussed, so no, I wasn't expecting anything like that. He'd asked me out for cocktails, so I was expecting we'd go somewhere nice in central London. I've no idea if it's necessary to book tables, but I know previous dates have always planned this sort of thing well in advance.

I expected him to sort out arrangements because that was my preference, and certainly his too. I realise it's not what everybody would enjoy, but for all kinds of reasons, I want the man to organise (and pay) for everything in the early stages of dating. Like I said in my op, I suppose we all have different notions of what's acceptable.

Girlywurly Fri 19-May-17 16:13:13

Sorry... Toweliton...

Gallavich Fri 19-May-17 16:17:01

Good luck with your dating experiences if that's what you expect...

Girlywurly Fri 19-May-17 16:18:59


Yes, I know. But I have to have what I like, otherwise I'd rather be alone. I don't mind being alone, so it's not been an issue so far.

noego Fri 19-May-17 16:21:58

Any kind of "disrespect" period.

solsbury Fri 19-May-17 16:22:45

you want him to pay?? why?

yetmorecrap Fri 19-May-17 16:26:24

Only the desparate dont have at least an initial ticklist ! You can always vary that list downwards after you have met them--Im not out thier looking but mine would be serious scruffiness (I dont mean casual or a bit bohemian but seriously grubby) baldness (sorry , just dont fancy bald men) , anyone who makes personal comments on appearance, (what size are your boobs etc) , anyone who is perpetually jobless (I dont mean just out of work at the moment but someone who makes a career out of sponging off others) , anyone over 40 living with parents.

manueltowers Fri 19-May-17 16:28:20

Why do you expect him to pay for you?!

DrMorbius Fri 19-May-17 16:30:55

I want the man to organise (and pay) for everything in the early stages of dating is that because you are such a catch grin.
You are hilarious.
Unless you're​ a 10, good luck Op

LightYears Fri 19-May-17 16:32:34

I agree with you OP about the last minute thing, that's not on. But can I ask, when would you expect to start paying your share?

ComputerUserNotTrained Fri 19-May-17 16:42:35

I want the man to organise (and pay) for everything in the early stages of dating.

And with that you're excluding pretty much all the men who believe in equality from your pool of potential partners.

Why in God's name would you do that? confused

Badliar Fri 19-May-17 16:45:24

My red flag would be a man booking a table for a first date.

Girlywurly Fri 19-May-17 16:45:49

Knew I'd get flamed for the 'he pays' thing. grin It's not about money, I actually love simple things like bike rides, walks, etc. It's about him showing the leadership and initiative that I find attractive, and it's about establishing the sexual dynamic I enjoy. Obviously, this is a question of compatibility. We have to both prefer this way of doing things. People are different.

Dr Morbius, I don't make a habit of rating myself or any other woman on a numerical scale, but certainly I'm not struggling to find men who want to take me out.

noego, agree: any disrespect whatsoever and they're gone. Of course, this becomes harder to follow through on once you're in a relationship and invested.

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