What are your boundaries/red lines for dating?

[Girlywurly]

I'm thinking about this today, because yesterday I had to cancel an otherwise promising first date because the guy had still not confirmed details of where/when we were meeting by lunchtime on the day of the date, due to having lots of unscheduled business meetings.

I feel that this is very disrespectful of me, my time, and my work and parenting responsibilities. I'm not going to get all dressed up and sit waiting for my phone to buzz, especially when I've got a babysitter in who I've had to pay for.

The guy in question seemed quite surprised and uncomprehending when I messaged him to say I don't do last minute meets and suggest we were not compatible in this regard.

Got me thinking how everything has different notions of what's acceptable.

So what are your boundaries/red lines for dating?

Yes, I agree Toweliton. And as well as 'bonus points for...', I hate 'blondes/brunettes/big tits/left-handers/whatever go to the front of the queue...' As if a man idiotic enough to write something like that is ever going to have to worry about managing a queue of women, ffs!!

some of the men's comments on here do make me laugh.

Dr morbius that was a very low and personal comment to the OP and if you really assume by paying for a date your entitled to a shag your a very sad man.

You might be projecting a teeny but there keyboard!

Equally, a bloke could take your attitude and assume that a women will never ever open her purse if on a first date she refuses to spend a single penny all evening.

I don't think it is unreasonable on the modern dating scene to expect an independent working women to offer to buy the odd drink or god forbid, offer to go Dutch on a meal.

Eq

Thanks, user.

toweliton - well I wouldn't put that on my dating profile. But as I look for someone with a sense of humour, who is able to make me laugh, and I'd expect to be able to make them laugh, then that's what I'm looking for. Many people are.

Not losing control of my bladder, unable to breathe type laughter, but at least funny enough to make me think they're not intense and dull and ultimately far too serious to enjoy spending time with.

Horses for courses though.

I am the same as you with a man taking charge to begin with. To me it shows he's genuinely really interested in you and I just find it gentlemanly. Each to their own.

I think you may have blown him off a bit too quickly. Since being with my man who owns a business, I have seen first hand how hard it is when you are in demand. Some days he can chat any time of day, other days he just doesn't have time to contact me at a as he's contacting clients all day. It can be full on.

He sounds decent on first impressions actually, and worth a second chance at a date.

I really think you should just contact him and explain childcare and that you need specifics and you'd love to try round 2 with more notice :-)

I don't have kids but when I was OLD cancelled a couple of days / threw my toys out the pram because firm plans hadn't been made.

However a red flag for me would be someone who insisting on paying for me. I find it deeply uncomfortable and think it creates an expectation. So I do think YABU in that regard.

I actually think it's hilarious you are saying you are not a toy to be picked up and put down but then say you expect him to pay for everything.

When people pay for something they expect to do as they please with it.

• Anyone who has even one of the "qualities" of my abusive alcoholic compulsive lying narc ex husband. I am rather scared of men now and I no longer trust my judgement after just 2 years with him. His lies were incredibly convincing and he made me doubt myself constantly even when I was right. And when I proved myself right he would just shrug and smirk. We've been split for 2 years this month. I'm not short of men to date I just still do not want to date. My instincts were screaming at me just 4 months into seeing him and somehow he managed to override all of them I can't even begin to describe his awful behaviours and how much he destroyed my life. I'm still picking up the pieces now.

I have been on two dates this year - with the same guy, who was an acquaintance through my Church. Who was promptly dumped for the following -

• Mansplaining to me constantly
• Bombarding me via WhatsApp and Snapchat

Both of which bad enough but then

• Wanting to do "family things" Yes he already met my DC at Church several times before I was chivvied into going on a date with him that does not mean I want to drag them into my dating life ffs.

He then went batshit angry when I said no and dumped him.

I don't have time for men or their fucking egos.

I do agree with you. After my last date (terrible ehhhhr), I raised my standards freaking high. Recently divorced so here I am back in the "supermarket"lol

girlywurly having married one of the banker types you refer to I can tell you, you are the one who would raise THEIR red flags!

My husband told me I was the first woman in twenty years of dating to offer and pay for our first dinner together.

He knew I wasn't just out for his money and indeed I wasn't - I'd have married him if he was a binman, as he is kind, patient, funny and clever.

If it were me I'd of text the night before and if he hadn't panned I'd of suggested "how about xxxx at 7? I heard the cocktails are great" Maybe he was struggling to find some where and was in a panic

Also I always stump up, I'm quite likely to pay the whole thing, I'm happy to split or pay all, I'd feel awful if he paid all night just how I am

Glad you're keeping your standards high, Changing. Love your username, btw. That's what I'm trying to do too. Good luck!!

Sorry you had such a horrendous time with your ExH, Dawn. I'm completely with you on over-texting and creepy attempts to get close to my DC. Had this one man suggest we set up a playdate with his DC before we'd even met, ffs! Would love to know what their mum would've made of that - her kids' dad leveraging them in a desperate attempt to get a shag with some Internet random. He also bought my DD a creepy gift, which went straight in the bin right before he did!!

Sadly, ziggy, some men will have rapey expectations to 'do as they please' with women. I don't adjust the way I live my life to appease these creatures.

I completely understand, user, that he has a lot of work responsibilities. But he shouldn't have offered to take me out unless he could manage these. And he certainly shouldn't have allowed his disorganisation to impinge on my work responsibilities. If he'd have said, 'I have a crazy day and am not sure when I'll be finished. I think it'll be a late one - about 9pm. Is that ok?' I'd have been completely fine with it.

Redhead, I don't want to be with a man who I have to be always organising. It would set a bad precedent to have organised a first date that, btw, he had proposed, not me!

Plus, by pre-empting him in the way you've suggested, I'd have missed a chance to assess his character, levels of initiative, interest, etc.

My red flags are -

If all his exes are crazy.
One crazy ex maybe, but all of them? Nope.

How he speaks to waiters/bar people/ taxi drivers / takeaway delivery people.
Treating somebody like shit in an attempt too impress or show authority is a sure fire way in making me run for the hills.

Which political party they support.
Now I am not a massive politic snob, but if a guy was to mention he supports BNP etc - just no.

Lying. Especially when they wouldn't think you would notice. I get you're trying too impress me but, you'd impress me more by not embellishing or lying.

Opinion on everything with the need too be right would make me run.
An example - long before DH, went on a date and the man ordered a steak, I didnt. He asked why had I not ordered one they are really amazing from here blah blah. Told him I don't like steak.
He asks if I am vegetarian.
No I am not.
He then says I must be a vegetarian if I don't eat steak.
I pointed out how I had ordered lamb so clearly not a vegetarian.
He then gets the notion that I do like steak, I've just always had shit steak not cooked properly. The rest of the date went down hill rapidly, when he began his mission of let's convert KungFu into eating steak. He was showing me pictures of steak with commentary about how it's a good cut and delicious. Quizzing me where I had dined at where I tried steak.

It was a shame because before steakgate we had a really good time, but I realised I couldn't carry on dating somebody who was always on a personal mission too prove they are constantly correct and their opinion is the final one.

Yes, yes, yes, KungFu. I'm 100% with you on all of those.

"When people pay for something they expect to do as they please with it."

Not in my experience they don't Who thinks of themselves or others as an "it?"

My DH was and is "one of the banker types". Of course I would offer to pay for things. Very few women would just sit there, would they? It's got absolutely nothing to do with money anyway. It's just that I prefer men who are gentleman and considerate - it's far more attractive to me than some bloke who says, "meet me in the pub - your round". I think I'd keel over with boredom in that kind of dating dynamic.

It never occurred to me that I was being "bought" or was less equal to him because he payed for most things because I know within myself this is not true. We have 4 DC now and thinking about it, he still effectively pays for everything as I haven't worked since DC1, but we're a family and it works for us.

Another red flag (which I wish I had picked up on before): if all his exes hate him and never want to speak to him again.

Like Kungfu - one ex is fine, but all of them? Something clearly going on... (in my case he had huge anger management issues. Very charming but threw tantrums over the slightest thing and did a LOT of secret online flirting - not quite cheating but clearly looking to).

I think it's disappointing how many men suggest going to their house for a first date. Really annoys me. So rude and disrespectful.

People who nag and won't take no for an answer.

Also someone who makes comments about a woman's weight/size.

People who brag about how much they earn or generally discuss money.

Absolutely, lottie. It's an insult and they should go straight in the bin for suggesting it. It's lazy, boring and complacent.

OP yaas! Man pays on a first date! Every time!

If a man asks me out on a date, then he should pay. If I ask a man out on a date, then I would pay. I have never asked a man out on a date before though.

I only ever split the bill with my girlfriends. I think it's embarrassing at the end of the meal when the bill comes and the bloke (or the woman) sits there analysing the bill and getting their phone out to calculate the split and then asking for half. Disgusting 😷 Just pay the whole fucking tab you cheap fucker!

Toot toot, Again!! So glad you agree.

I'm actually taking an ex out for a Platonic drink soon. I'll be paying because I invited him. When we were an item, it was always him who picked up the bill, because he was always the one asking to see me.

My first date with DH was actually my house 😶 both a bit broke but really wanted a date. He came round with a takeaway and beer and we watched movies. Perfect date and he was the perfect gentlemen. And he wasn't expecting sex and didn't get it neither.

I think it's different if you're very young and/or already good friends who know each other well.