What are your boundaries/red lines for dating?

[Girlywurly]

I'm thinking about this today, because yesterday I had to cancel an otherwise promising first date because the guy had still not confirmed details of where/when we were meeting by lunchtime on the day of the date, due to having lots of unscheduled business meetings.

I feel that this is very disrespectful of me, my time, and my work and parenting responsibilities. I'm not going to get all dressed up and sit waiting for my phone to buzz, especially when I've got a babysitter in who I've had to pay for.

The guy in question seemed quite surprised and uncomprehending when I messaged him to say I don't do last minute meets and suggest we were not compatible in this regard.

Got me thinking how everything has different notions of what's acceptable.

So what are your boundaries/red lines for dating?

Disrespect.
Any kind of racist or homophobic attitude/remark/ jokes. Makes me boak.
A bloke who doesnt do his equal share ie with time/ effort/ practical jobs.
Dirtyness.
Bald chaps.
Too hipster...ie i dated a chap who fidnt own a watch because he didnt believe in the capitalist notion of time end of dating after that gem...
Opposing political views.
Blokes that get protective or decide they must speak up and asvocate for me like i am incapable

We're diametrically opposed then, badliar!!

Computer, I'm not that hung up on 'equality' tbh, am more interested in having a fun time with an interesting person, lots of amazing sex, etc. Not looking for a life partner or a coparent - would probably have different criteria if I were.

'Poor bloke'? I'm the one who's left out of pocket having paid for a babysitter for a date he invited me on and then couldn't be arsed to organise!!

I've lived in London and not planning anything if it's only drinks isn't a big deal as you literally can't throw a cat without hitting a decent pub or bar. However, as you have child care arrangements to make its not as easy as just winging it especially in the early stages. I do think that if you don't have kids it can be difficult to understand why planning is so important. Personally I would have just asked or suggested somewhere myself and I definitely wouldn't expect them to pay for me. I don't like to feel like I owe guys anything and prefer to pay my own way.

Red flags to me are stuff like coming onto strong, feeling like they are controlling me and coming on too strong. If they had kids they don't pay for or if they constantly slagged off their previous partners. Also Virgins, I've had a bad experience where a guy was really creepy because he was so desperate for sex.

But you're the one who cancelled!

You were meeting for drinks, not planning an expedition across the Andes. Why the need to know exactly where you're going (beyond the general area) hours beforehand?

I agree with chillyegg apart from bald...

I am with you OP, you sound switched on to me and have high standards, nothing wrong with that!

Why is "equality" in inverted commas? Is it because you feel that it's a dangerous and radical notion only subscribed to by them there feminist harridans and it interferes with your preferred world view where women are delicate little flowers protected from the big bad world by dashing chivalrous types who wouldn't dream of expecting you to pay your way?

I always think whoever asks the other person out on a date pays. If I asked a guy I'd offer to pay. If he asked me out, I'd expect him to pay.

I don't see how you can complain about him being rubbish with not giving you a time and labelling him disrespectful, but then in the next post say how he must organise everything and how you expect him to pay for it as well.

He's had a lucky escape if I'm honest.

Why couldn't you text him and ask for a time?

Why couldn't you organise or suggest something?

Perhaps the fact you didn't do either of these made him think you were also laid back when it comes to organising a time etc. I mean, if I took a date serious enough I'd arrange a time and place before that day even arrived, then on the morning send a friendly message along the lines of "hey! Just checking we're still okay for later? If so see ya then!" but you did none of that. So perhaps he thought you were pretty chilled out about it.

You said yourself you was expecting him to have planned and paid for a booked dinner reservation - if that's the case most people have it actually planned.

I'm not sure why the OP is getting a hard time on here? If it's a date, the least she can expect is for him to plan it and confirm at least the day before. Of course nearly all men would pay to begin with. She is not asking much really is she?

Totally Key; it was HIM who arranged the day and time then left her hanging even though he knew she'd booked a babysitter but hey, she's being too demanding, god have folk got such little expectations nowadays lol.

I'd also expect him to pay if he'd asked me on a date - and I don't care if the feminists think that's wrong and I am very much a feminist.

I think there are a lot of folk who have forgotten the old tradition of romance and courting, nothing wrong with expecting a man to pursue you in the initial stages - it's as old as time began.

In almost three decades of dating I've never expected a man to pay, unless he specifically says he's taking me out (and even then I'd at least offer to buy a round).

I don't think that's weird, is it?

Op isn't being given a hard time here, it's just that some of us are a bit baffled.

Baffled at what, he let her down badly by not letting her know the time and place?

I'd also offer to buy a drink.

I'd not expect it either but I'd happily accept, esp if it was HIM who had asked me out for dinner.

"this becomes harder to follow through on once you're in a relationship and invested."

Not for me. Over step the boundary and its over. Simple.

You want him to pay for everything, and have "leadership qualities".

I truly hope you find the sort of man you deserve.

I think I'm a bit contrary about the paying issue. I would like the man to offer, but wouldn't accept.

Well this was 12 years ago, but my DH managed to plan dates and expected to pay for most things. When did it become so hard? Now we have 3 DC and I've never felt any less equal to him, but I appreciate he doesn't treat me as if I'm one of his mates either. Horses for courses and you have to start as you mean to go on, as is the case with the OP.

I do think you are slightly ott though OP if you expect him to pay every time, be nice if you did too no?

Thanks Adora and thekeyboard. Was beginning to think I'm a total diva!!

Computer, he did specifically say he was taking me out. There were two reasons why I needed to know what time we were meeting: my babysitter was bringing DD home from her after school club at 6pm. I didn't want to be still hanging around the house because DD would want to know where I was going/who with and would get upset that I couldn't do her bedtime stories and cuddles. 2. I work from home and wanted to plan my afternoon so I could work out how much I could realistically get done before leaving the house. Plus, it's just good manners.

Spatkling, he knew I didn't have a 'relaxed' schedule. When I told him I was a mum, he asked how easy it was for me to meet. I said it could be done, if organised in advance.

I didn't chase him because I don't like to do that, for the reasons stated below. Also, I was curious to see how long he would leave it. It's a test of character, which he failed. If I had chased, sorted stuff myself, we'd probably be dating by now, which wouldn't actually serve me in the long term, because he'd still be a lazy, inconsiderate fuckwit.

OnlyBoy, it's self evident that I'm his, and any man's, equal. I don't need to pay for my drink to prove that to myself or to him.

Yep, Phoebe, slagging off former partner - massive red flag. Had one once who kept on slagging off his mum too?! Really off-putting.

Chilliegg, agreed: hipsters do not do it for me either. Not surprised you dumped the watchless one.

Yes, Adora, once we were into a relationship, of course I'd be doing things for him.

If I have lots of unscheduled business meetings, it's because the shit's hit the fan at work. I wouldn't have time to be booking tables and I probably wouldn't know what time I was going to be able to get away.

Maybe he was being all leadershippy and initiativey at work. I guess you'll never know, however.

If that was the case, he should have communicated it and apologised, right?

Did you ask him when and where, before you messaged him to dump him?

Yes, and his answer made it clear that he'd not yet sorted anything out. He said he'd write back shortly with details, and I replied there was no need to because I couldn't/wouldn't do last minute meets.

Do you think I should have meekly accepted that kind of treatment?

I was really looking forward to the date, but felt I just couldn't let that kind of disrespect go. It's insulting.