What are your boundaries/red lines for dating?

[Girlywurly]

I'm thinking about this today, because yesterday I had to cancel an otherwise promising first date because the guy had still not confirmed details of where/when we were meeting by lunchtime on the day of the date, due to having lots of unscheduled business meetings.

I feel that this is very disrespectful of me, my time, and my work and parenting responsibilities. I'm not going to get all dressed up and sit waiting for my phone to buzz, especially when I've got a babysitter in who I've had to pay for.

The guy in question seemed quite surprised and uncomprehending when I messaged him to say I don't do last minute meets and suggest we were not compatible in this regard.

Got me thinking how everything has different notions of what's acceptable.

So what are your boundaries/red lines for dating?

I didn't say "worthy of respect", I said "worthy of respect of your time pressures". If you are passive, precious, not prepared to make any decisions or contribute financially, then you come across as someone who is a princess, with nothing to do but please herself all day. That's what I think anyway. You may disagree, and I hope you find a man who adopts your way of thinking, although I think it may be tricky!

Thing is, in the past I've dated quite a few flashy banker types. There's absolutely no way I could afford the kind of places they're used to going to. I'm a student ffs!!

Maybe I'm like the Robin Hood of dating...?

I do try to please myself, and of course DD. That's what life is all about for me.

I take your point though: maybe there's a mixed signal there that might confuse some men.

Just because your date chooses not to let you know the time and place to meet according to your timetable, why does that mean he's not worthy of respect?

He is, after all, only exercising his right to conduct his relationships in a particular way.

Yep, absolutely. And I don't like his way, so I opted out.

We parted on very good terms, btw.

Suggest somewhere you can afford then. Or don't date rich bankers. Unless you're wanting a sugar daddy to take care of you... In which case, don't be difficult about timings!

Poor guy, I really don't think him not letting you know the exact details by lunchtime is disrespecting you! He probably wasn't aware of your internal timeframe!

On this basis though it sounds like you probably aren't compatible. Seems a shame if you were looking forward to meeting him. There are certainly worse dating crimes!

Thanks everyone for your responses; they've given me loads to think about. I'm going to have to get off mumsnet now, as I have to put DD to bed and then do the cleaning. Life can't be all cocktails, fancy restaurants and ripping off bankers!!

Yep, a sugar daddy is sounding just the thing right now, Minty!

@toweliton you've just described my husband. Bloody hell.

Maybe I'm like the Robin Hood of dating...?

Or just a freeloader

No one's forcing them!! If they didn't enjoy it, they wouldn't do it. They like going nice places, treating a girl, being the big man, etc. Insisting on paying is just depriving them of what they consider to be a well-earned please.

Yes, obviously it's a load of chauvinist bullshit, but I'm talking about casual relationships that are based primarily on bedroom fun.

Sorry - I'm totally derailing my own thread, which is supposed to be about boundaries, not he pays/she pays...

Sounds like you both dodged a bullet with each other.

If you and he have different approaches to organising things at this stage and you know it would just irritate you then I think you made the right decision.

My red lines on a date? Talking about himself and only himself all night (ever)/losing his rag with a waiter or taxi driver/being pushy about a kiss or going further/being more than 20 mins late without an apology and a bloody good reason.

(And another derailer - I would never expect a man to pay. Nice of him to offer but I would always insist on splitting (at least for the first few dates. Or if it got heated, I would accept and make sure I buy them a drink/pay for a taxi afterwards). I am lucky enough to earn more money than most of the men I have dated (not now DP) and splitting a bill reminds me that I am financially independent and I love that feeling. And if the man gets upset/pissy then he is not the one for me (another red line!)

Well said Gah

My red flags are exactly the same as yours, Gah.

Interesting what you say about paying and your much-cherished financial independence. Sometimes I wonder if my chutzpah is actually thinly-veiled necessity? Don't like that thought very much, but no doubt about it, I am pretty penniless.

That's definitely the reason why I place such strict parameters around my time. I've been with a few men in recent years who have been very wealthy, so wealthy in fact they were semi-retired. In one of these cases, I became quite resentful of the demands he was placing on me: endlessly texting, wanting to see me, etc, because my time is absolutely precious to me. At the moment, time is the only resource I have to advance me and my DD so we can have the kind of financial security you've described. I think that's why I had so little patience with yesterday's flaky date.

Oh god, just re-read my last post and it made me sound like I'm chasing down wealthy retirees...!! Both chaps I mentioned were early forties, as was yesterday's non-date...

Do you work Op?

Yes. As I mentioned earlier, I was working yesterday afternoon, hence my annoyance at not knowing what time constraints I was under.

I also do a lot of voluntary work, which is why I'm not bothered by other posters' suggestions that I'm on the take. I'm not,at least not from anyone who can't afford it...!!

OP - if you want one of these rich powerful pay for everything types then I'm afraid you'll have to put up with being at their beck and call to an extent. The types of jobs that command these types of salaries require long hours, last minute flexibility and total commitment.
How odd that you describe this weird passive "pay for the little lady" shit as your "preferred sexual dynamic" but can't accept that this is what goes with it.
You can't have it both ways. Want someone who can give you a definite firm time and place ? Date someone who works in a shop.

You are beginning to come across as quite grabby OP

So, the man suggested the evening, and that you'd be going for cocktails. You'd expect him to choose the place and to pay for it all.

And then you blew him out because he didn't specify the exact time and place beforehand, saying you didn't do last minute meets, when he'd specified the evening and what you should expect - not dinner, not a pint in his local, just cocktails and the rough time.

And yet you didn't contact him beforehand to ask him to specify a time and a place, you assumed he'd know to let you know more than the evening and the type of date. He's got to be wealthy, assertive, and apparently psychic. Possibly his last significant other got annoyed at him being overly controlling with him controlling every detail. Possibly he'd expect someone with any sense of dignity to communicate with him before throwing her toys out of the pram.

Sorry, but from all the above you do sound ridiculously high maintenance. I think he ended up with a lucky escape.

Good luck dating.

Hey, what's with the 'low' Dr Morbius?!