What are your boundaries/red lines for dating?

[Girlywurly]

I'm thinking about this today, because yesterday I had to cancel an otherwise promising first date because the guy had still not confirmed details of where/when we were meeting by lunchtime on the day of the date, due to having lots of unscheduled business meetings.

I feel that this is very disrespectful of me, my time, and my work and parenting responsibilities. I'm not going to get all dressed up and sit waiting for my phone to buzz, especially when I've got a babysitter in who I've had to pay for.

The guy in question seemed quite surprised and uncomprehending when I messaged him to say I don't do last minute meets and suggest we were not compatible in this regard.

Got me thinking how everything has different notions of what's acceptable.

So what are your boundaries/red lines for dating?

OP I'm with you on this, agree with everything you have said. I also date the kind of guy who books ahead and plans dates AND shock horror, wants to pay. I date guys who treat me very well and who want to demonstrate that in any way they can, planning amazing dates, paying, etc. That's who I'm attracted to. It's not about the money, I have my own and I will pay often, but if he is the type that wants to go Dutch all the time, he's not for me. I want to be with someone who wants to look after me and cherish me, someone who has old fashioned, traditional values, someone like my father. Otherwise I'd rather be single. So there are many on MN who will shoot me down, but that's their opinion, doesn't mean they are right, no matter how forcibly they tell us they are

I like the spelling of "Trollope" too. Sounds quite old fashioned but naughty. I might do a NC

Bant, I'd explained to him that I needed things planned in advance or I couldn't make them work. I didn't just blow him out, I asked him what was going on, and from his answer it became clear he didn't have a clue.

Wow fuck sake. The 1950s called, they want their values back!!

It's not about the money

Of course it isn't.........

Wherethewildsthingis

Original

Exactly, HotNatured. I'm with you 100% - don't drop your standards!!

Absolutely loving 'Trollope' too, Toweliton.

not dinner, not a pint in his local, just cocktails and the rough time.
I read that wrong at first, and thought 'the rough time' was some sort of slang for adult naughtiness at the end of the date :-D.

I think if you wanted to know specifics, or to check it was happening, you could have said you were just texting to confirm as you needed to make a babysitting arrangement. He's probably just relaxed and wouldn't guess you felt on edge not knowing. People without kids don't think how inconvenient it would be to move something.

That said, I went out with a bloke for 6 years who stayed like that, and it was a PITA. I tended to keep time free when I thought he'd get round to asking if I was free, and without me constantly working to open up times when we were both free, there wouldn't often have been time to get together.
Maybe next time give the guy a chance by asking for confirmation that its happening, but if he carried on leaving everything to the last minute, he's, as they say, not that into you.

Tbh, it was the 'rough time' that I was most disappointed to be missing out on...!!

Trollope? If only... Haven't had a shag since what feels like forever...

Personally Op, if I was single etc, I would have no problem with the organising/paying for the date. As I assume you "do your part" by "putting out" after your date?

Dr Morbius - the puritans called, they want their worldview back.

OP - it does come across as you having self esteem issues here. As in, considering yourself far too worthy of him apologising, arranging everything, paying for everything. What you'll get then is a man, or a series of men, who will control you through buying your time, or thinking it can be bought.

Personally, I'm happy to pay for a first date. If I ask a woman out and she's interesting and amusing and I want to see again, then I'll happily pay for the meal, as I'll be the one to have asked her out, so it's only fair.

The second that I get the feeling she's not willing to go Dutch though - that she considers her time and affections worth buying, then I'm checked out. No interest.

I want a partner who wants me as much as I want them. I'll pay for things because it's polite, in that case, but won't ask her out again because she seems grasping.

And if she doesn't make me laugh out loud, I'll happily put half the money on the table and hail a taxi. Because my time is just as valuable as hers, and I'm usually far more entertaining.

So you pay for sex, DrMorbius? That's brave of you to admit.

I'm not going to chat sex for free, even after you've been so charming, but I'll PM you my rates. 2 drinks will get you a hand job and if you throw some crisps, I'll give your balls a squeeze too.

God, Bant, I've got loads of self esteem issues, but hasn't everybody...!?!

Fantastic Op not only are you illiterate but you are also deluded. I just showed you offer to my DW wife and she said -without any input from me. What a sad person

Glad you're a happy boy, DrMorbius.

Omg, irony alert!! Have you proof-read your post Morbius?!?

Sorry Bant but gotta say "Must make me laugh out load" on OD ads is normally shorthand for "I don't actually have that much to offer in terms of solid human presence but think of myself as an intellectual/comedian type intense and highly strung and have a good education but not a great life to show for it And I think that exchanging some not very funny and somewhat unoriginal comments is the key to a successful relationship. "

whoever told men that "good chat" or "banter" is the key to being attractive REALLY needs to be shot it just makes me think of some immature attention seeking type coming up with some unoriginal "wit" and then labelling women dull for not playing along when really they're the dull ones

Oh and even worse "BONUS POINTS if you make me laugh"

That line makes me hurl ( I think trying to create this image of themselves as some "fun loving" type who needs a woman to be a performing monkey because they're dull as Ditchwater IRL)

Fuck off and watch a clip of Michael macintyre on YouTube whilst wanking.

Fuck off and watch a clip of Michael macintyre on YouTube whilst angrywanking.

All the flak I've taken on this thread has been worth it, just for that Toweliton!!

Ooh, have just seen the coinage my cut & paste has created, 'angrywanking'...

Maybe that's what Morbius is up to?!? He's gone a bit quiet...

My iPhone keeps trying to correct wanking to:

Waning
Walking
Wanting

Desperate to attempt a funny/clever riposte, Toweliton, but scared I'll condemn myself as one who 'thinks of myself as an intellectual/comedian type'.

Ouch. Found that post waaaay too resonant for comfort!!

Nah you're too self aware for that! It's the guys who demand their partner should be like something out of HIGNFY 24/7 because they get "bored easily". Yuck.

OP are you still getting flack?

All the people who would be up in arms about being paid for on a first date, think about this. If he doesn't pay then, when will he? Probably never tbh.

You might end up at home, looking after his four kids and he's still expecting you to be "equal" by contributing 50/50 financially, even though it's your career that has taken the hit.

It's good to see some diversity of opinion on here, the keyboard. FWIW, I agree with you absolutely and will be schooling my DD along these lines.

It's interesting the vehemence this issue provokes. Who pays wasn't even the main point of this post, as he and I were both clear on that and happy with it. But it seems to have taken over somewhat!