What are your boundaries/red lines for dating?

[Girlywurly]

I'm thinking about this today, because yesterday I had to cancel an otherwise promising first date because the guy had still not confirmed details of where/when we were meeting by lunchtime on the day of the date, due to having lots of unscheduled business meetings.

I feel that this is very disrespectful of me, my time, and my work and parenting responsibilities. I'm not going to get all dressed up and sit waiting for my phone to buzz, especially when I've got a babysitter in who I've had to pay for.

The guy in question seemed quite surprised and uncomprehending when I messaged him to say I don't do last minute meets and suggest we were not compatible in this regard.

Got me thinking how everything has different notions of what's acceptable.

So what are your boundaries/red lines for dating?

As for what food and drink is ordered, often I let him choose for me wow have I just woken up in the 1950's. Are you Doris Day Op?

So.. you'll pay for their booze because you don't want to fuck your friends. And a man should pay for yours because he does want to fuck you. And him paying for them makes him more attractive.

Hmm.

I'm lost. You go for your life. I just know that your behaviour would be one of my red flags.

Exactly, Lu1a. It wouldn't occur to me to do otherwise.

When I'm invited out somewhere, I do a quick mental calculation to check my card's not gonna bounce if someone goes on a bender , and then I say yay or nay accordingly.

What a bonkers thread! Mainly because some people seem to be hell-bent on arguing that the OP's primary motive in life is to get men to pay for EVERYTHING. In actual fact, she has not said this at all

Was just thinking the exact same thing.

Now see i would have to pick my own food as i cant do spicy (unless an Along Came Polly situ is what the man would want) and i need to eat to maintain my weight loss.

See I'm very greedy and will scoff anything.

Amazing weightloss, btw Helena. Very inspiring.

I'm just waiting for the scandal to erupt when the married Tory MP wines and dines Girly and claims it all back on expenses.

, Harry.

A partner who wants to pay for everything is a red flag for me. Puts the whole relationship on a very transactional footing from the off.

Why would you say that Shiral? Some men just think it's the right thing to do. Plus there are always ways of getting around it.

This is what I was getting at in my first post, way back now!! My dp likes to pay for everything. He offers every time. He doesn't always pay as I will insist on the stiff I can afford, but if we go to lavish places, he has to pay as I don't have the money for all that. If he had his way, I would never put my hand in my pocket.

pp have said this is abusive behaviour. I am a year in and I don't see it as abusive, although at the beginning of the relationship I was wary of financial control as I am not used to being paid for.

I am loving how this thread has gone btw and am still impressed with op for keeping her cool and sense of humour while some posters seem preoccupied with bringing her down. Fair play op.

*STUFF I can afford

Thanks, lego.

No one other than you knows how it feels to be in your relationship. You'll be a much better judge of your DP's character than anyone on Mumsnet.

You sound happy.

Lu1a personal experience really. It's lovely to be treated, but if we're, say, three dates in and my requests to go dutch or to state from the offset that this is my invitation & my shout are still being ignored, I feel unheard and wonder what's coming next. Sadly I have had one experience of "you owe me xyz" being thrown at me a month in, and another, longer term relationship where I was controlled by someone financially; what started out as a feeling wonderful ended with being so afraid that I had to enlist help from others to make him leave me alone.

Oh, Shitolapram, that sounds awful. I'm so sorry.

Girly - how on earth are you on a budget if you've dropped £50 in a cocktail bar on drinks you've not drunk?!! Is it quite a good budget then? 😂

Me saying to a pregnant friend who is not drinking "listen you pay a a tenner less" is hardly a humiliating spectacle 🙄

Thanks Girly. I do see your position and despite it all I am still not above being spoiled rotten

I just think its really refreshing to read your posts, which are honest and funny and intelligent. You know what you want, and I understand most of it. Huge respect to you OP.

And yes I am deliriously happy. I have relaxed into this relationship and we have so much respect for each other. If I had been stubborn on our first date, I wouldn't be where I am now. I am so glad I let him pay!! And (hypothetically speaking, as I don't intend being single again), if I was to date again, I would not be happy with someone who didn't at least offer to pay for the first date. My view has totally changed since I met dp and I too don't think I would be interested in someone who wanted to go dutch on first date. And it's not about money, I can't articulate what it is, but its not about being spent on. Because I spend a large portion of my wage on him too, I am not a gold digger by any stretch. Its just more attractive if they offer I guess.

I am waffling now sorry!

Shitolapram sorry to hear that. Glad to see it didn't put you off being spoiled!

I was very wary of this before dating my bf and tread carefully for the first few months. But I have got to the point where I trust him and know that he is just a generous person who likes to share good times with me. I let him pay for stuff now without making a song and dance about it

My current DP got it JUST right for me. He had invited and arranged, and when the bill arrived he took it, hesitated, and said, "Will you allow me the pleasure..?" And it was a genuine enquiry, not lip-service.

Next date I did the arranging and the paying and he was genuinely appreciative.

For some time now I have been allowing him all sorts of pleasure

I am loving how this thread has gone btw and am still impressed with op for keeping her cool and sense of humour while some posters seem preoccupied with bringing her down. Fair play op.

She is loving the attention! She would've stopped posting pages ago if she wasn't enjoying it.

I'm enjoying it too

And glad you've found someone just right, Shitolapram. I have, too :-) happy days

...and so are you, Harry

Yeah, Harry's loving it - he's getting all this convo for nothing too...£££...

Shitolopram, your partner sounds womb-twangingly lovely!! That was such a gentlemanlike thing to say.