What are your boundaries/red lines for dating?

[Girlywurly]

I'm thinking about this today, because yesterday I had to cancel an otherwise promising first date because the guy had still not confirmed details of where/when we were meeting by lunchtime on the day of the date, due to having lots of unscheduled business meetings.

I feel that this is very disrespectful of me, my time, and my work and parenting responsibilities. I'm not going to get all dressed up and sit waiting for my phone to buzz, especially when I've got a babysitter in who I've had to pay for.

The guy in question seemed quite surprised and uncomprehending when I messaged him to say I don't do last minute meets and suggest we were not compatible in this regard.

Got me thinking how everything has different notions of what's acceptable.

So what are your boundaries/red lines for dating?

it's self evident that I'm his, and any man's, equal. I don't need to pay for my drink to prove that to myself or to him

I actually don't understand this. Why is it so important that he pays? It's not about 'proving' anything as far as I'm concerned, it's just about doing it.

For me, one of the boundaries is misogynistic attitudes. Any sense that I shouldn't do something because I'm "a woman" or even worse "a lady" is an instant Thanks But No Thanks.

I replied there was no need to because I couldn't/wouldn't do last minute meets.

How was it last minute if you'd already arranged to meet? Loads of people don't firm up the details until closer to the time for lots of reasons.

I won't date anyone who is a man. I'm right off them at the moment :-(

I forgot to add Brexiter to mine , or hard right winger.

IToo, it sounds as though we both have very strong, if very different, boundaries.

I think the phrase I used was 'short notice' rather than 'last minute'. If it's lunchtime, and I've still got no idea where/when we're meeting, that's short notice in my book.

Sorry to hear that mermaid. Hope you have a lovely time looking after number one.

He said he'd get back to you shortly with details, and you blew him out! Maybe he was too busy right that second to write a more detailed response, you know with all the unscheduled work meetings. Maybe his boss or a very important client was sitting right next to him and it wasn't the best time to be messaging a woman he hadn't even met yet via a dating app

Again, I guess you'll never know because you flew off the handle at a completely imagined slight.

I think the internet has turned modern dating into the supermarket of relationships. See something you like, pick it up, see something even better round the corner so you leave it sitting on a shelf somewhere not knowing where it belongs and so on and so on.

I think it's right to have boundaries and I think it's acceptable to know where you are going and what you're doing, whether this has been arranged by one party or both of you together. Busy people especially should make plans in advance in case of 'last minute meetings and emergencies'. It's not hard if they're that capable at work, they should be capable in their personal lives too.

A woman without children might be more flexible about arrangements but as a mum, you're entitled to have time to get yourself ready and organised and that means an overview the whens and the whats. If a man isn't able to communicate them to you for a first date you have no chance down the line if it becomes something more permanent!

My other boundaries are too much too soon, thinking sex is acceptable too early, racism, lack of stability in life (some temporary instability is fine), not making an effort and not taking the time to get to know you.

If they don't do this, just think NEXT and move on. You're worth more than a half hearted interest x

I commend you op for following through and dumping him.
if you read everything on here you would believe than any type of shit treatment in the dating world is the norm-but like you I have standards and if I spot flakey behaviour early on I'd rather end it sooner than later.
And there's absolutely nothing wrong with expecting the man to pay on a first date-how many times do you see it on the first dates programme man always offering to pay and if he does suggest going Dutch the woman always refuses a second date at the end!.

I USED to be ok with accepting last minute meets online ( using all the "I need to be more laid back"/"it's 2017"/"my mate gem always accuses me of being princessy and so I'm going to drop my personal preference")

But I found that whenever a date ( or even a potential friend -it's not gender or sexuality based) has been the "I'm late and laid back tra la la" flaky type from the off they never chanfe. There's no acknowledgment that others have needs to consider regarding transport/childcare/work/sleep

Weirdly enough, they often turn out to be very over sensitive to others being late though!

There is a woman I used to socialise with who was a "45 minutes late for a booked dinner with no reason" late type. When I was 10-15 min late to something myself she was

I had a date last week who left it until last minute which I hate but still went. He must of messaged me at 6 and we're meant to be meeting at 7. Later found out he had slept the day away. Showed up in a pub and he got his drink and allowed me to then get mine
It only got worse from there. OP you trusted you're instincts and stood by you're principles.
Well done

No, you said "last minute". I c&p'd your post.

But if that's one of your boundaries then good for you for sticking to it!

I've had a couple of bad experiences with men who claimed to be 'gentlemen' and doing the paying and whatever. They always revealed attitudes that made us utterly incompatible by the end of the first date.

YABVU to want men you're meeting for the first time to pay for everything.

Rude of him not to specify at least a time and rough location, especially given he knew you'd need to arrange childcare. If you'd only been chatting online a very short time, he probably just wasn't that into you. So makes sense not to bother.

I was talking about the exact words I used to HIM!!

Just to clarify, I wouldn't meet up with anyone who arranged the date at the last minute ie had been cancelled on or was at a bit of a loose end and thought "why not?". But where plans had been made, but the details had not been clarified until the day, I would if we'd been in contact.

I don't care how important his business is. My work is just as important to me, and I will not be treated as a toy to be picked up and set down at will - doesn't matter who he is, or what he does.

Interestingly, when I called him on his behaviour, he acknowledged that he was at fault and asked if we could stay in touch (I won't).

As Downmum suggests, men's behaviour rarely improves. If he's acting this way on a first date, then what next...?

Maybe I'm just 'paying it forward' to the next woman he gets involved with, who I hope he'll treat with more consideration. We need a united front against twattish behaviour - men can only treat us as badly as we let them!!!

And you don't think it's twattish to expect him to pay??

Fair play though for having the courage of your conviction

OP I think your criteria are difficult to reconcile. On the one had you want to be the "little lady", taken out and paid for, in a very passive sexist way. And on the other hand you want the "man provider" to treat you as an equal when it comes to time pressures.

you can't have it both ways!

Why not agree on a day with someone, each ask if you've got any ideas of nice places to meet, agree on somewhere, and meet. I don't understand this waiting for the man to arrange the place where he's going to spend his hard-earned cash on the precious lady!

As you say OP, each to their own. But I think you'll find it hard going in the world of OLD.

He said that he would gladly pay for everything. Obviously, I didn't raise the topic (am not a complete ho ).

I have paid on dates once or twice before, when it's been very obvious the man would like me to. I'm not all about getting into a man's pockets!! (Although it does massively piss me off to be invited out to some hugely expensive show-offy restaurant and then clobbered with half the bill and I never see the bill-splitters a second time )

When I was internet dating it was quite depressing how many women refused to even offer to buy a drink when out on a first date.

It always amuses me on MN when some women describe any man who does not unquestionably pay for everything as a skinflint when they refuse to open open their purse at all.

you can't have it both ways!

Why not??

If you can't afford to split the bill in pricier restaurants suggest places you can afford!

Well OP, either you're an independent woman, equal to a man and worthy of respect of your time pressures - in which case you split the bill. Or you're a precious flower who expects a man (who doesn't know you at all) to stump up the cash every time, in which case he gets to call the shots. He who pays the piper and all that!

Just because I choose to conduct my (mutually consensual) sexual relationships in a particular way, why does that mean I'm not worthy of respect?

If you can't afford to split the bill in pricier restaurants suggest places you can afford!

I think she is one of special ladies who makes a tactical visit to the bathroom to powder her nose when the bill hits the table and expects the magic l'addition fairies to make it disappear by the time she returns.

Busted. You got me, PanGalactic...