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4 weeks no sex a dealbraker?

(239 Posts)
UmizoomiBananaRamama Tue 25-Apr-17 09:39:29

I was going to post in 'Sex' but thought I'd get a bit more support over here in 'Relationships'.

Since the birth of my DS 2 years ago, I've suffered with depression and anxiety. I've been on anti depressants for about 8 months and they're really really helping me. Only problem is my sex drive is pretty much non-existent.
I'm just not in the mood. I feel like I could happily go the next couple of years without it.
But my DH on the other hand... we used to dtd about 4 times a week, and now it's maybe once every month.
Anyway last night he asked me for sex (like he does 3 times a day) and I said sorry I'm not in the mood, how about tomorrow night? (I'm just going to have to grin and bear it)
And he started saying that 4 weeks is such and long time and that he can't keep going like this.

I said that we have other marital issues that are more important for us to sort out first, mainly his lack of respect for me or our home, and that that's probably a contributing factor as to why I'm not in the mood.

But he said the lack of sex is the only issue that matters.

I'm at a bit of a crossroads. Sorry for the long posy I just don't know what to do.

StewieGMum Tue 25-Apr-17 09:43:16

He doesn't respect you and thinks 4 weeks without sex is 'too much' despite your PND?

It's no wonder you don't fancy having sex with him. He sounds like a tool. If he respected you, I doubt very much your libido would have dropped like this.

ElisavetaFartsonira Tue 25-Apr-17 09:44:43

You appear to have several issues, the lack of sex being only one of them.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Tue 25-Apr-17 09:45:23

He's allowed to wish that your sex life had returned to what was normal before the birth of your DS, of course he is. It sounds like you do too.

What he's not allowed to do is become a bitching moaning sex pest who doesn't see that lack of sex is a symptom of your wider relationship issues and your PND.

He's a tit.

UmizoomiBananaRamama Tue 25-Apr-17 09:45:45

The lack of sex is the only issue that he cares about.

treaclesoda Tue 25-Apr-17 09:47:06

What happened to 'in sickness and in health'? Would he be pestering you for sex if you had a broken leg, or were having chemo, or any number of other physical illnesses? Or does he think that PND isn't a real illness, as it only affects women? His lack of respect for you is worrying, to say the least.

ElisavetaFartsonira Tue 25-Apr-17 09:48:27

He should care about all the things that have led you to this point.

UmizoomiBananaRamama Tue 25-Apr-17 09:49:25

I actually had a cervical cancer scare about a year back, but he was still pestering me for sex while I was awaiting my results.

Could he be addicted to sex? I hear him most nights get up to 'go to the bathroom' with his phone.

C0RA Tue 25-Apr-17 09:50:51

Well it sounds like you want different things out of a relationship.

He wants sex more often.

You want him to respect you and your home.

He doesn't care about your issues. You have tried to compromise on his ( you grin and bare it to have sex once a month ) .

It's not working is it?

I'd be depressed and anxious living like that.

Obsidian77 Tue 25-Apr-17 09:51:40

You poor thing. He sounds completely selfish. I think it's much more common than people realise to have to dial back your sex life after DCs even if you don't have serious health issues.
Imo 4 weeks might be a while for a young fit childless couple but it's not long at all for people with young DCs.
Also, one of the known side effects of anti-depressants is that they can squash your libido. Doesn't he know this?
His pestering makes him sound utterly unappealing.

UmizoomiBananaRamama Tue 25-Apr-17 09:57:56

He knows all about the anti depressants and their side effects.
I stopped taking them at one point so that my libido would come back but it made me spiral back into depression (shock).

I just don't know why he thinks 3/4 weeks is such a long time and as he said to me last night, a bit of a dealbraker.

thethoughtfox Tue 25-Apr-17 10:02:15

He is a dick and being completely unreasonable. You don't have to grin and bear it. You are entitled to have your feelings respected and given extra love, support, and space when you need it. He is threatening you by calling it a 'deal breaker'

treaclesoda Tue 25-Apr-17 10:02:58

So he would rather you lived with depression than that he should have to make do with less sex? It's all about him, isn't it? angry

C0RA Tue 25-Apr-17 10:02:58

He stopped you taking the medication tht a doctor prescribed for you so you could have sex with him ? This is medication that could potentially save your life - people die from depression all the time .

Are you serious ? What would you tell you best friend if she told you that ?

Guiltypleasures001 Tue 25-Apr-17 10:05:44

Hi op

This isn't about sex, your not wanting to be intimate with him is in response to how he treats you, also your depression.

Why would you let someone who you currently don't like and treats you badly, inside your body? It's a very intimate act that involves trust and respect.

You have depression, health conditions and lack of libido towards him, it's not hard to understand why when your relationship is in dire straights. The fact he doesn't acknowledge anything else other than his own needs, says it all. 💐

UmizoomiBananaRamama Tue 25-Apr-17 10:06:16

He didn't stop me from taking it, but I suggested it and he agreed.
He's never known anyone with depression - I'm the first. And I've tried ro explain how bad it can get and that how I've thought about suicide many, many times.
But it doesn't really seem to sink in with him. He just thinks I need to think more positively about things.

He says he needs sex to feel love. He accuses me of getting it elsewhere sometimes too.

Is that true though? Do men need to be intimate to know that they're loved??

Smartiepants79 Tue 25-Apr-17 10:07:47

This does not make him sound good.
You have many, many very good reasons why you have a low interest in sex. He is choosing to ignore all of them. He wants what he wants and seems to have no interest in what YOU want. Four weeks is nothing. When I had my children it was months before I was ineterested again. Prenancy and a birth injury meant that it was maybe the best part of a year before we had sex again. This is very normal and very common. Your low libido is not unusual - whatever your partner tries to tell you.
His behaviour is also deeply unsexy and unlikely to make you want to change your mind.
He does not sound like he is a good partner to you.
Just out of interest is he happy with intimacy other than actual sex, would this fill the need he seems to think exists?

Zaphodsotherhead Tue 25-Apr-17 10:10:32

His 'accusing you of getting it elsewhere' and his whole 'give me sex or we're done' attitude... HE wouldn't be 'getting it elsewhere' yet any chance? And blaming your loss of libido for his 'having to' stray?

WizardOfToss Tue 25-Apr-17 10:12:20

I'm sorry, OP, he sounds awful. You'll get loads of good advice and support here.

I think I'd be inclined to say something along the lines of 'deal breaker? Ok, off you go then'.

And no, whilst sex is a need and an important part of life for many people, men don't have to have it to feel loved. That's bollocks - he's saying that to make you feel bad, and to cast him in a somewhat better light than a sex pest who cares nothing for his wife.

AyeAmarok Tue 25-Apr-17 10:14:25

Do men need to be intimate to know that they're loved??


But it's something that manipulative men who want to coerce their partners into having sex they don't want say all the time.

Would you enjoy sex with someone whom you knew didn't want to be having it? It's not exactly enthusiastic consent, is it.

UmizoomiBananaRamama Tue 25-Apr-17 10:17:57

I've just heard that for so long I don't know what's normal or healthy I guess.

He says the lack of sex and intimacy is really braking him down and he doesn't feel like himself anymore. He says he feels like I don't love him when I constantly say no.

I get where he's coming from, but at the same time when I hear you guys say 'you should be allowed time to heal, or everyone gors through dry spells, or 4 weeks isn't a long time' I'm like.. huh?? Really??

It's comforting to know that a lot of people go much longer without sex.

I really do think he may be addicted.

C0RA Tue 25-Apr-17 10:22:43

My dear OP, the best decision you have made today is deciding to post in relationships rather than sex. Because you are absolutely right,you don't have a sex problem you have a marriage problem.

And you will get lots of support here to work out what's wrong and what you want to do about it.

Mummyoflittledragon Tue 25-Apr-17 10:24:49

Being coerced into sex is teetering very close to rape. It depends on what is said as to whether it is or not.

UmizoomiBananaRamama Tue 25-Apr-17 10:27:38

But how do I deal with my marriage problems if he won't address them until our sex life is back on track? It's a vicious cycle.

Thephoneywar Tue 25-Apr-17 10:29:33

I am going to go against the crowd here and say I agree with your DH. I don't agree with his approach but I think he has a right to have red lines in his relationship. Sex is important to people. Sex is important to me. I would not be OK with my DH withdrawing sex and then expecting me to not mention it.

If I didn't see improvement or an attempt to make things better I would leave.

Are you taking any steps to improve your libido?

If you don't I wouldn't be surprised that he chooses to leave the relationship. I would.

TempusEedjit Tue 25-Apr-17 10:29:59

His disgusting attitude towards you should be the only dealbreaker here.

FeedTheSharkAndItWIllBite Tue 25-Apr-17 10:32:06

Very unreasonable!! Would he say the same if you had... Idk, cancer? A broken hip? He should respect you and not try to coerce you into having sex with him by saying things like that.

After I had DD we didn't have sex for about... Idk, at least a month? And we didn't even have any in the last weeks of pregnancy. So, we didn't have sex for at least 2 months.

Dh still felt loved. And whilst he was very enthusiastic about having sex again... He didn't try any coercive tactics.

TheSparrowhawk Tue 25-Apr-17 10:33:04

Sex isn't just an activity you engage in because you're in a relationship - it's supposed to be an enjoyable thing that you choose to do because you want to. He doesn't care whether you want it or not - he just wants to use your body to satisfy his own needs. That's seriously fucked up.

I think it's definitely time for you to get out of this relationship.

OneMillionScovilles Tue 25-Apr-17 10:35:04

OP - the way he is treating you is so common as to be a cliché, but that doesn't make it ok or something that you should have to put up with. He is being horribly emotionally manipulative whilst refusing to acknowledge your (valid!) feelings.

Depression is incredibly tough - try to be kind to yourself, and imagine what you'd want for / advise a friend in your situation flowers

TheSparrowhawk Tue 25-Apr-17 10:35:18

Also, I agree with the others that if you're gritting your teeth and giving in to sex to stop him from harassing you then that is rape. He is coercing you into it and he knows it and doesn't care.

FeedTheSharkAndItWIllBite Tue 25-Apr-17 10:36:33


Fair enough. But if your DH felt disrespected by you and was upset by it (And had also MH issues). Would you refuse to look at that and try to improve any relationship and say that it's "only sex that matters"?

And what if the medication your DH was required to take for a really serious issue would interfere with his sex drive?

However, OP. I do think that there's a difference between no sex and no intimacy. And if your DH does need physicial contact to feel reassured and loved there is imo no reason why you couldn't try that (minus the sex)?

What about couple's therapy? THat seems like a great way to adress both of your issues.

C0RA Tue 25-Apr-17 10:38:49

You've said lot about what he wants -

More sex, even when you are suicidal and have a cancer scare
You to pull yourself togther and not be ill
You to stop taking medication so he can have more sex and possibly become suicidal again

( can you spot the theme here ? )

What you do want ? You mentioned more respect for you and your home. Can you say more about this ?

Redesul Tue 25-Apr-17 10:41:21

I don't have much to add other than he needs a reality check. I'm also on anti depressants and they have severely reduced my sex drive. I simply don't have any interest in it. Plus I've never really liked being touched, I hate cuddling etc. My partner and I often don't have sex for 2-3 months at a time. He does get upset about it now and then, as I also do, he'd have it 6 times a day if he could, but he understands that my mental health is more important and doesn't pester me or push me into anything. We still love each other, there's no doubt about that

Justaboy Tue 25-Apr-17 10:41:44

Be a bit lenient on him that sodding sex drive can take over some blokes minds sometimes! I'm glad in a way I'm now older and that relentless need to shag has abated and by quite a bit!, but the real problem here is that he doesn't understand depression and you'll find most all people don't.

My first wife had PND very bad and that devolved into manic depression and in the end she took her own life in the meantime most everyone said her whats the matter with you?, you have it all lovely home plenty of money beautiful child so why?

Some said she was just putting on thr sad face all the time bu in fact no bugger understood her depression male or female.

So you will need to make him see and understand that you do have a very serious problem which isnt going to clear up overnight. I think it may well be very helpful or him to speak to a medical professional to see if you can get him to understand its not all about sex which I can understand being a man.

Hope it works out for the both of yousmile

treaclesoda Tue 25-Apr-17 10:41:55

ThePhoney you would choose to leave a relationship because of the other person's ill health?

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks Tue 25-Apr-17 10:42:49

Have you said very clearly that the marital issues are a libido killer and that once they are dealth with your sex life will naturally improve, but whilst he continues to deny they exist the relationship will deteriorate? Mind you, if he doesn't realise this very fundamental fact then he's a bit of an arse isn't he.

He stopped you taking the medication tht a doctor prescribed for you so you could have sex with him?
Errm, OP only said she stopped taking them, not that she was forced in any way! hmm

VerySadInside Tue 25-Apr-17 10:46:11

4 weeks would be far too long for me. Everyone is different. He can't change his sexual needs right now anymore than you can.

PollyPerky Tue 25-Apr-17 10:49:46

He's an idiot.

Most people know that ADs cause low libido.

To put it in perspective, I know of couples where there has been no sex for 10 years and more due to health issues and other reasons.

Pestering you for sex is not on.

If this is his way of getting you to consent, he needs a re-think.

TheSparrowhawk Tue 25-Apr-17 10:49:54

'4 weeks would be far too long for me. Everyone is different. He can't change his sexual needs right now anymore than you can.'

Is it your opinion, VerySad, that the OP should have sex she doesn't want in order to please her partner?

C0RA Tue 25-Apr-17 10:50:02

Sorry, I misread that. I see that she suggested it and he agreed. Which is odd to say the least, given that she has told him that she has thought about suicide many many times.

I wonder why both of them would take such a risk with her health and life ?

JaneEyre70 Tue 25-Apr-17 10:56:07

Someone asking for sex 3 times a day would kill my libido stone dead. That's not remotely attractive. DH and I have gone for long periods of time without sex, and he's admitted that he's felt a bit unwanted/unloved because of it but he's always understood that we both need to feel it for it to be enjoyable and has never put pressure on me. Having young kids is a natural contraceptive, and it does get better as your kids sleep more/get older but if he is pressuring you and making you feel bad about it, then he's an arse frankly and that alone would be a dealbreaker for me!

Obsidian77 Tue 25-Apr-17 11:00:59

C0RA you wonder why they would both take a risk with her health and her life? Because he is pressuring her to have sex and putting his "needs" above her wellbeing.
Thephoneywar if your DH were ill and unable to have sex for 4 weeks you'd leave? Some illnesses, depression being one of them, don't clear up overnight.

UmizoomiBananaRamama Tue 25-Apr-17 11:02:20

I'm trying anything and everything to get my libido back (Hense why I suggested stopping the AD's)
It's not working though. And reading all your comments I see why now..

What I mean by he doesn't respect me or the home is that he always undermines me in front on DS and doesn't lift a finger in the house. He works full time and I'm a SAHM but he'll get home, throw his shoes and shirt ANYWHERE (including living room floor) and park his backside on the chair until we go to bed. He hasn't cooked in about 18 months and hasn't done a load of washing since before DS was born. He only notices things if they're wrong (ie I'll spend the whole day spring cleaning downstairs making it look really nice for when he comes home and he'll complain that I haven't washed any socks today.)

Huskylover1 Tue 25-Apr-17 11:05:52

You're not going to get a balanced view on here. There tends to be a general opinion on mumsnet, that if one person in a relationship decides that they don't want sex any more, then the other person (with the unchanged sex drive), has to suck it up, not mention it ever again, live happily celibate and, if they do ask for sex, they are moving into rapey territory.

For me, 4 weeks is far, far too long. And this isn't a one off, you've been going 4 weeks between dtd for a period of 2 years now. Yes, that actually could be a deal breaker for me, I don't know, but I do know that I wouldn't be a content person in this situation.

You can't change your sex drive, any more then he can change his.

With my ExH, I did not have a very good sex drive and would frequently reject him. (the opposite of how I am now, with DH). Eventually he got it elsewhere. I don't really blame him, tbh.

Could you switch to another AD, and see if that changes anything? Presuming of course, that you do want to resume a normal sex drive.

Huskylover1 Tue 25-Apr-17 11:07:05

Oh, cross posted. Hmm. I can see why you aren't turned on by him, if that's how he behaves. You're going to have to have a frank discussion about that.

HomityBabbityPie Tue 25-Apr-17 11:07:16

What a vile man.

TheSparrowhawk Tue 25-Apr-17 11:09:26

'You're not going to get a balanced view on here. There tends to be a general opinion on mumsnet, that if one person in a relationship decides that they don't want sex any more, then the other person (with the unchanged sex drive), has to suck it up, not mention it ever again, live happily celibate and, if they do ask for sex, they are moving into rapey territory.'

Total and utter bollocks.

The OP has said that she's tried to sort the sex situation. Her partner on the other hand treats her like a servant and complains about her while at the same time pressuring her for sex, even when she's waiting results of tests for cervical cancer.

No one has to put up with a sexless relationship - if they don't like it, they can leave. But equally no one should have to have sex they don't want, ever.

PollyPerky Tue 25-Apr-17 11:09:41

I don't know of many couples who have been married for a long time where they have sex often. Once a month is very normal for some couples. Even less is normal for some people. I know of couples who are in sexless marriages (defined as less than once a month) and they are happy. Every couple is different.

I think the posts from women here saying that they want sex a lot and if the OP doesn't she is wrong are very unhelpful.

This isn't just about sex, it's about a man bullying her to meet his needs regardless of her own feelings. I wouldn't stay married to someone who treated me like that.

PollyPerky Tue 25-Apr-17 11:11:42

What I mean by he doesn't respect me or the home is that he always undermines me in front on DS and doesn't lift a finger in the house. He works full time and I'm a SAHM but he'll get home, throw his shoes and shirt ANYWHERE (including living room floor) and park his backside on the chair until we go to bed. He hasn't cooked in about 18 months and hasn't done a load of washing since before DS was born. He only notices things if they're wrong (ie I'll spend the whole day spring cleaning downstairs making it look really nice for when he comes home and he'll complain that I haven't washed any socks today.)

This is why you don't want sex. It's emotional abuse. he's a bully.

I think you should consider separating on what you have said above.

TheNaze73 Tue 25-Apr-17 11:14:47

I agree with husky, in answer to your original question. Yes it would be. Everyone has different wants from a relationship & what he wants, he isn't getting. If I don't get what I want from a relationship, I end it. Sexual compatibility is so important.
However, he is going about things like an utter cock & isn't helping himself

squirreltrap Tue 25-Apr-17 11:14:55

I lost any desire for sex with my ex-h

He pestered constantly (which obviously didn't work and never does)

We divorced

I realised I had a raging sex drive when I fancied, loved and respected the other person

For whatever reason, you don't fancy your husband ( he is right there!) but the question is, what do you do about it? It is only a vicious circle while you stay in the denial that it is only your ADs that are crashing your libido. What is the truth about your desire to have sex with your husband?

KaosReigns Tue 25-Apr-17 11:15:18

Hell, DD was 9 months old before DH got laid post birth. 4 weeks is nothing, especially when there are medical causes.

Your DH sounds like a prick.

Florida28 Tue 25-Apr-17 11:17:48

Totally agree with Phoney

I had cervical & breast cancer, was in total denial. Had my treatment and became depressed. DH was a total rock, very supportive and patient. He never once pushed the subject of sex. But I did go off it 110%. At first it was the healing and worry about pain, then I didn't feel attractive, then I felt he'd be better off without me. The long and short of it we spoke, often, and kept the communication open without resentment or accusations. He did feel I had gone off him/didn't want him as we were living as friends. At one point we went 5 months without DTD. It was difficult to over come but we found ways to be close without DTD and built up from there. The key has to be communication.

If your husband isn't supportive and patient and you're not trying to take steps to improve your libido, you're at a dead end sorry sad

KaosReigns Tue 25-Apr-17 11:17:58

Oh, and the first 5 moths of the pregnancy due to HG, and the final month due to SPD...

HomityBabbityPie Tue 25-Apr-17 11:18:35

It's a circular issue though isn't it. The OP'S DH behaves like an arsehole so of course she isn't going to want to have sex with him. Her emotional needs aren't being met. For many people that's a prerequisite of sex. I wouldn't want sex with my DH either if he was as much of a prick as this bloke seems to be.

4 weeks without sex is nothing, particularly in the circumstances the OP describes.

I would also feel very uneasy about a man who would be quite happy to have sex with a woman who quite obviously doesn't want to. What man wants sex like that?

TheSparrowhawk Tue 25-Apr-17 11:21:39

'I would also feel very uneasy about a man who would be quite happy to have sex with a woman who quite obviously doesn't want to. What man wants sex like that?'

A rapist.

ilovechoc1987 Tue 25-Apr-17 11:23:26

They say men need sex to feel love and women need love to want sex.

I used to want sex everyday, but after 3 kids we just don't have the time. I don't particularly want to have to shave everyday for a start, and there are some days I don't even get a chance to have a shower!.

However I try to make the effort at least once a week, because I find the longer I go, the more down and unattractive I feel and the more we argue and then the more insecure I feel.
Besides there are plenty of things my partner does for me to keep me happy that he's not always in the mood for, and I just feel like I should make the effort as it's not going to kill me.

You have to accept that he's probably going to resort to pleasuring himself with or without porn I'm afraid, but don't feel under obligation, try meeting in the middle and surprise him with it twice a month and see how you feel after that.

yetmorecrap Tue 25-Apr-17 11:25:35

I honestly thinkyou have to accept that some people, especially some older women aren't that bothered beyond a certain age, many of us cannot say why, it's just 'in there' are we expected these days to be up for it forever more on a very regular basis? In the OP case, I was married to someone like this in my 20's , everything was about sex, even with 2 young children and working, he also used to go to the pub, get in at 11.30 , bang around downstairs waking me up, then come up and expect sex. He actually had an inner calendar that seemed to tell him exactly how many days it was since last time. He was a working class manual worker and I think it was an attitude amongst him and his mates that women were there for kids, kitchen and bedroom. In the end I had enough, I think you will too OP

Obsidian77 Tue 25-Apr-17 11:30:31

If I don't get what I want from a relationship I end it
Obviously that's your choice but I never cease to be astonished by the selfishness of people who put their sex drive ahead of their responsibilities to their partner.
Op is unwell. Telling someone who is suicidally depressed to make a bit more effort with pleasing her husband is glib and insensitive.

UmizoomiBananaRamama Tue 25-Apr-17 11:58:32

But we used to be very sexually compatible. But my needs have changed and his have stayed the same (or even more so).
I bring up the other issues with him but because I keep having to bring them up he now sees this as nagging.
I ask him to help me around the house, just now and again, he says yes, and the next morning his towel and dirty clothes are flung across the bathroom and hes shouting at me because he can't find his keys.
I really wish things could go back to how they used to be and I'm really trying but he's not putting in any effort.
He has tunnel vision on this -
Us having more sex = him being happier = our relationship improves

TheSparrowhawk Tue 25-Apr-17 12:05:11

You shouldn't have to submit to sex in order for him to do his fair share of work around the house - he should do that anyway regardless of how much sex he's getting.

ilovechoc1987 Tue 25-Apr-17 12:09:05

Op his desire appears to have increased because you don't have sex as much as you used to, that's all.
My partner never pesters or guilts me into sex , but I notice that the days after we have had sex he's a lot more affectionate, helpful and hands on and I also feel lifted. When we haven't for a while we drift apart and both of us are more crabby and argumentative.
Although I don't get as 'horny' as I used to, having sex lifts my mood, makes me feel 'normal' and connected to my partner.
I make sure I'm all prepared and feeling good about myself, just now and again and then we have that fun evening together, where for a while we're not just parents we're lovers and friends also.

I'm not saying that you should feel bad about all this and i do agree he needs to lay off the pressure big time! but have you ever thought about maybe just trying to make time for it now and again? It might actually make you feel better. It did help me.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks Tue 25-Apr-17 12:09:59

Did he expect you to pick his crap off the floor before you had DS?

ravenmum Tue 25-Apr-17 12:12:12

Why these suggestions that OP is not "trying to improve"her libido? As she said herself, she even tried giving up on the medication that was stopping her from feeling suicidal, just to improve her libido! If that is not "trying" I don't know what is. And she is attempting to discuss this with her partner, who is being a massive dick in response.

What happened to people just being nice to their partner? When you know that a friend, or even just some random stranger on the street, is depressed, you treat them with care because you know they are not themselves and can't help whatever unusual behaviour they're displaying. But when it's your life partner you give them four weeks to get their act together, then you dump them? Right.

Just for general information, ADs often (usually?) make you totally unable to orgasm. It's one of the main side effects. They can make you dry up like a parched river bed, and they can make you so knackered that all you want to do is sleep. They are not "happy pills"; they switch off your feelings so that you might not actually feel anything towards your partner, let alone lust. They are 100% better than depression but they are not good for your sex life at all.

A proper course of ADs (SSRIs) can take years to complete. When you come off them it can take weeks or months before you are able to reach orgasm again.

Just because a woman doesn't have to get it up to have sex doesn't mean she is or should be permanently up for it. If her partner dumps her because she can't have sex pleasurably for four weeks, that says everything that needs to be said about her partner, not about her.

UmizoomiBananaRamama Tue 25-Apr-17 12:12:25

ilovechoc I know exactly what you mean. I feel like after we have had sex he's so helpful and living towards me. But if we haven't in weeks he's very irate towards me.

But I'm NEVER in the mood anymore. I have tried a few times to psych myself up and get in the right head space, but honestly I can't wait until it's over.

I don't want to be intimate with him.

C0RA Tue 25-Apr-17 12:13:04

What about the other way around ? How about he looks after the baby and the housework after work and at the weekend and is nice to you, doesn't shout at you or mention sex.

If he does that for a month, you might find that you want to have sex with him.

Why doesnt he try that ?

After all you were both willing to try something that made you ill and was potentially life theatening.

And you have been compromising by having sex with him when you don't want to .

If he won't try that I suspect he doesn't really want to save your marriage .

TheSparrowhawk Tue 25-Apr-17 12:15:12

I'd imagine that if you left this idiot you would find that you suddenly don't feel so depressed any more.

ilovechoc1987 Tue 25-Apr-17 12:15:18

I'm not suggesting op tries to improve her libido. I just think they both need to meet in the middle.
I always hint at my partner that if he was more helpful I'd be a better partner to him (wink wink nudge nudge sort of thing.)

In short your husband needs to know that if he were to help more it would save up some energy for you and some sanity as well, then maybe you'd have time and piece of mind to want to have sex.

ravenmum Tue 25-Apr-17 12:16:40

(PS I speak as someone who sees sperm as a lovely kind of free anti-depressant (google it!), and is delighted that she is now off the ADs and back into orgasm territory.)

TheSparrowhawk Tue 25-Apr-17 12:17:57

'In short your husband needs to know that if he were to help more it would save up some energy for you and some sanity as well, then maybe you'd have time and piece of mind to want to have sex.'

If he were to 'help' more?? As in, it's the OP's job to pick up his shirt and socks, but if he would 'help' by doing it himself, she might then shag him? WTAF???

ilovechoc1987 Tue 25-Apr-17 12:18:03

Ok op so are hoping your husband will accept this fact?
What do you think will happen if you don't have sex for months on end?

Maybe some counselling will help?.

ravenmum Tue 25-Apr-17 12:19:25

I doubt he will agree to get counselling for his dickishness. But might be worth a try.

ilovechoc1987 Tue 25-Apr-17 12:19:28

Thesparrowhawk use your brain, maybe if us mums weren't so busy and tired maybe we'd feel more in the mood. More help=more energy.

HomityBabbityPie Tue 25-Apr-17 12:19:56

I always hint at my partner that if he was more helpful I'd be a better partner to him (wink wink nudge nudge sort of thing.

Jesus wept, do we really expect so little of men that we think we have to bribe them with sex to do housework?!

TheSparrowhawk Tue 25-Apr-17 12:20:51

The word I have a problem with is 'help' - the OP isn't asking for 'help,' she's asking the other adult in the house to do his fair share of work.

treaclesoda Tue 25-Apr-17 12:21:01

When my DH does housework etc he's not doing it to help me. He is doing it because he is an adult who also needs clean dishes, clean clothes etc. hmm

ilovechoc1987 Tue 25-Apr-17 12:21:22

It's not bribery!! I just remind him that if I'm swept off my feet all day then I'm going to be too tired for anything else!.
It's common sense!.

UmizoomiBananaRamama Tue 25-Apr-17 12:23:05

His excuse is he's been on his feet for 12 hours a day at work, he wants to be able to relax when he gets home.

TheSparrowhawk Tue 25-Apr-17 12:23:22

Why should your partner need to be reminded to do his share of work ilove, surely he just does it anyway?

HomityBabbityPie Tue 25-Apr-17 12:23:29

what sparrow and treacle said.

You can dress it up however you want choc but it sounds an awful lot like bribery to me.

ilovechoc1987 Tue 25-Apr-17 12:23:57

I'm a sahm so it's my job to clean the house and his to work 12 hours a day.
He does pitch in, but I keep on top of most things.
I don't see what's wrong with that??
Maybe if your husband has an easy ass job working 9-5 they might have more time to do chores, but mines not physically able to be there, he has a difficult job with loads of responsibilities and it's time consuming.

TheSparrowhawk Tue 25-Apr-17 12:24:03

When do you get to relax Umi?

HomityBabbityPie Tue 25-Apr-17 12:24:03

His excuse is he's been on his feet for 12 hours a day at work, he wants to be able to relax when he gets home.

Say yes, so have I, that's why I don't want to have sex with you.

SandyY2K Tue 25-Apr-17 12:25:17

Do men need to be intimate to know that they're loved?

Some do. Nobody here can answer for all men, even if you are one. He might need intimacy to feel loved and you I suspect need to be respected to feel loved.

That respect encompasses and patience, kindness & understanding.

Have you told him that a contributing factor is his behaviour and that it's difficult to feel in the mood when you feel a total lack of respect from him?

HomityBabbityPie Tue 25-Apr-17 12:25:33

Choc your comment is irrelevant. We are not arguing over whose job it is to do the housework here. We are arguing over the fact the OP's DH expects her to have sex when she doesn't want to.

She shouldn't have to use sex as leverage to get him to do what any normal functioning adult ought to be doing anyway.

UmizoomiBananaRamama Tue 25-Apr-17 12:26:00

Homity good one! Thanks for making me laugh!!!

ilovechoc1987 Tue 25-Apr-17 12:27:19

But op seems like she's consumed with just about everything, caring for kids, housework, depression etc.
If one of those things were to be alleviated it may help her to recover from her depression, and who knows she might get her libido back.

UmizoomiBananaRamama Tue 25-Apr-17 12:28:23

I think I'm really starting to see what type of man he is..
I have tried really hard to get my libido back, to those saying I need to try harder. I think I've gone above and beyond.

I don't really know what to do now, though.

ilovechoc1987 Tue 25-Apr-17 12:29:35

Then you need to split up then op.
I know people who haven't had sex in over year and it doesn't bother them.
If it's an issue, maybe things won't work out.

TheSparrowhawk Tue 25-Apr-17 12:32:09

'But op seems like she's consumed with just about everything, caring for kids, housework, depression etc.
If one of those things were to be alleviated it may help her to recover from her depression, and who knows she might get her libido back.'

I agree. But you don't seem to have seen the posts where the OP says she's asked her partner to participate in running the house and he simply refuses.

PickAChew Tue 25-Apr-17 12:33:21

Well if I was ill and had lost my libido, as a consequence, there's nothing about your petulant, self centred pest of a husband that would reignite the embers.

ilovechoc1987 Tue 25-Apr-17 12:34:43

Which is why I said she needs to be clear what the problem.
What am I supposed to say to help? 'Your husband is a shit'
Just trying to be constructive.

TheSparrowhawk Tue 25-Apr-17 12:37:05

'Your husband is a shit' is constructive because it acknowledges the actual situation the OP is in. Pretending that something else is going on (ie that the OP just needs to tell him what to do and everything will be fine) isn't helpful at all.

ravenmum Tue 25-Apr-17 12:37:18

Imagine what it would be like if both of you stopped working when your dh came home. If you both did your various duties for 8 hours, then both sat down and put your feet up. That would be equal.

Obviously you wouldn't get any food, the kids would run riot and the place would be a mess after work from 6 p.m. until the next day when you both started work. So instead of that, after work, you would both still have to cook, clean and look after the kids a bit. That would be equal.

Instead, OP, your dh gets (say) 8 hours at work, 8 hours asleep and 8 hours relaxing, while you get 8 hours asleep and 16 hours at work. Hmm, why might you not be able to relax into sex, I wonder?

Bananamanfan Tue 25-Apr-17 12:39:25

It sounds as if you are a thing for your husband's convenience.
My dh has had elements of this behaviour in the past, but i don't think he was as poor a husband as yours.
It helped when i went back to work; it boosted my confidence a lot & dh has upped his game.
Would it be so bad if he did leave? You deserve better than this & surely him not being there is

SandyY2K Tue 25-Apr-17 12:41:32


You are making a lot of sense in what you say.

If I was the only one going out to work, I would not expect to be doing an equal amount of domestic chores. I'd actually be less inclined to want to have sex with my spouse under those conditions. I appreciate that being a SAHM is not a stroll on the beach.

Although I do wonder how how some men expect to do next to nothing in the form of household chores and expect their OH to want to be intimate with them.

That simply leads to resentment and bitterness.

There needs to be understanding and compromise.

That you were in the middle of a cancer scare and he was still thinking about sex like that, just shows he is (sorry to say) a selfish husband, who doesn't show in his actions that he cherishes you.

If my DH was harrassing me for sex at such a time and I'd have been looking at a future without him.

ilovechoc1987 Tue 25-Apr-17 12:42:13

She has a 2 year old, I don't think throwing a job into the mix is going to help, it will only give her more jobs to do.

I think op that your husband needs to pull his weight more and start respecting you.
Until then you're never going to get better.

AnyFucker Tue 25-Apr-17 12:44:05

I wouldn't shag that lazy fucker either

DeleteOrDecay Tue 25-Apr-17 12:44:55

Op he sounds awful, if there's one thing I can't stand in a man its when they feel they have a right to sex with their partner regardless of what else might be going on in the relationship. That kind of entitlement and disregard for your feelings would be a massive turn off for me so I can totally understand why you're not exactly jumping for joy at the prospect either (along with everything else you have to deal with).

I'm not sure what to suggest, if he can't or doesn't want to care about the other issues then what can you do except start thinking about leaving him?

ravenmum Tue 25-Apr-17 12:46:23

My ex never started doing household duties even after I started work, partly as I work from home - so could supposedly put the washing on while working, perhaps by telekenesis as I sat at my desk.

I do wonder if he actually realised, after we split up, how much time he was suddenly having to spend washing his own clothes, cleaning up his own piss etc. Would be nice to think that it occurred to him even briefly, that he'd been treating me like the cleaner all these years. Probably didn't occur to him, but I can dream smile

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