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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

4 weeks no sex a dealbraker?

238 replies

UmizoomiBananaRamama · 25/04/2017 09:39

I was going to post in 'Sex' but thought I'd get a bit more support over here in 'Relationships'.

Since the birth of my DS 2 years ago, I've suffered with depression and anxiety. I've been on anti depressants for about 8 months and they're really really helping me. Only problem is my sex drive is pretty much non-existent.
I'm just not in the mood. I feel like I could happily go the next couple of years without it.
But my DH on the other hand... we used to dtd about 4 times a week, and now it's maybe once every month.
Anyway last night he asked me for sex (like he does 3 times a day) and I said sorry I'm not in the mood, how about tomorrow night? (I'm just going to have to grin and bear it)
And he started saying that 4 weeks is such and long time and that he can't keep going like this.

I said that we have other marital issues that are more important for us to sort out first, mainly his lack of respect for me or our home, and that that's probably a contributing factor as to why I'm not in the mood.

But he said the lack of sex is the only issue that matters.

I'm at a bit of a crossroads. Sorry for the long posy I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
FeedTheSharkAndItWIllBite · 25/04/2017 10:32

Very unreasonable!! Would he say the same if you had... Idk, cancer? A broken hip? He should respect you and not try to coerce you into having sex with him by saying things like that.

After I had DD we didn't have sex for about... Idk, at least a month? And we didn't even have any in the last weeks of pregnancy. So, we didn't have sex for at least 2 months.

Dh still felt loved. And whilst he was very enthusiastic about having sex again... He didn't try any coercive tactics.

TheSparrowhawk · 25/04/2017 10:33

Sex isn't just an activity you engage in because you're in a relationship - it's supposed to be an enjoyable thing that you choose to do because you want to. He doesn't care whether you want it or not - he just wants to use your body to satisfy his own needs. That's seriously fucked up.

I think it's definitely time for you to get out of this relationship.

OneMillionScovilles · 25/04/2017 10:35

OP - the way he is treating you is so common as to be a cliché, but that doesn't make it ok or something that you should have to put up with. He is being horribly emotionally manipulative whilst refusing to acknowledge your (valid!) feelings.

Depression is incredibly tough - try to be kind to yourself, and imagine what you'd want for / advise a friend in your situation Flowers

TheSparrowhawk · 25/04/2017 10:35

Also, I agree with the others that if you're gritting your teeth and giving in to sex to stop him from harassing you then that is rape. He is coercing you into it and he knows it and doesn't care.

FeedTheSharkAndItWIllBite · 25/04/2017 10:36

Thephone

Fair enough. But if your DH felt disrespected by you and was upset by it (And had also MH issues). Would you refuse to look at that and try to improve any relationship and say that it's "only sex that matters"?

And what if the medication your DH was required to take for a really serious issue would interfere with his sex drive?

However, OP. I do think that there's a difference between no sex and no intimacy. And if your DH does need physicial contact to feel reassured and loved there is imo no reason why you couldn't try that (minus the sex)?

What about couple's therapy? THat seems like a great way to adress both of your issues.

C0RA · 25/04/2017 10:38

You've said lot about what he wants -

More sex, even when you are suicidal and have a cancer scare
You to pull yourself togther and not be ill
You to stop taking medication so he can have more sex and possibly become suicidal again

( can you spot the theme here ? )

What you do want ? You mentioned more respect for you and your home. Can you say more about this ?

Redesul · 25/04/2017 10:41

I don't have much to add other than he needs a reality check. I'm also on anti depressants and they have severely reduced my sex drive. I simply don't have any interest in it. Plus I've never really liked being touched, I hate cuddling etc. My partner and I often don't have sex for 2-3 months at a time. He does get upset about it now and then, as I also do, he'd have it 6 times a day if he could, but he understands that my mental health is more important and doesn't pester me or push me into anything. We still love each other, there's no doubt about that

Justaboy · 25/04/2017 10:41

Be a bit lenient on him that sodding sex drive can take over some blokes minds sometimes! I'm glad in a way I'm now older and that relentless need to shag has abated and by quite a bit!, but the real problem here is that he doesn't understand depression and you'll find most all people don't.

My first wife had PND very bad and that devolved into manic depression and in the end she took her own life in the meantime most everyone said her whats the matter with you?, you have it all lovely home plenty of money beautiful child so why?

Some said she was just putting on thr sad face all the time bu in fact no bugger understood her depression male or female.

So you will need to make him see and understand that you do have a very serious problem which isnt going to clear up overnight. I think it may well be very helpful or him to speak to a medical professional to see if you can get him to understand its not all about sex which I can understand being a man.

Hope it works out for the both of you:)

treaclesoda · 25/04/2017 10:41

ThePhoney you would choose to leave a relationship because of the other person's ill health?

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 25/04/2017 10:42

Have you said very clearly that the marital issues are a libido killer and that once they are dealth with your sex life will naturally improve, but whilst he continues to deny they exist the relationship will deteriorate? Mind you, if he doesn't realise this very fundamental fact then he's a bit of an arse isn't he.

He stopped you taking the medication tht a doctor prescribed for you so you could have sex with him?
Errm, OP only said she stopped taking them, not that she was forced in any way! Hmm

VerySadInside · 25/04/2017 10:46

4 weeks would be far too long for me. Everyone is different. He can't change his sexual needs right now anymore than you can.

PollyPerky · 25/04/2017 10:49

He's an idiot.

Most people know that ADs cause low libido.

To put it in perspective, I know of couples where there has been no sex for 10 years and more due to health issues and other reasons.

Pestering you for sex is not on.

If this is his way of getting you to consent, he needs a re-think.

TheSparrowhawk · 25/04/2017 10:49

'4 weeks would be far too long for me. Everyone is different. He can't change his sexual needs right now anymore than you can.'

Is it your opinion, VerySad, that the OP should have sex she doesn't want in order to please her partner?

C0RA · 25/04/2017 10:50

Sorry, I misread that. I see that she suggested it and he agreed. Which is odd to say the least, given that she has told him that she has thought about suicide many many times.

I wonder why both of them would take such a risk with her health and life ?

JaneEyre70 · 25/04/2017 10:56

Someone asking for sex 3 times a day would kill my libido stone dead. That's not remotely attractive. DH and I have gone for long periods of time without sex, and he's admitted that he's felt a bit unwanted/unloved because of it but he's always understood that we both need to feel it for it to be enjoyable and has never put pressure on me. Having young kids is a natural contraceptive, and it does get better as your kids sleep more/get older but if he is pressuring you and making you feel bad about it, then he's an arse frankly and that alone would be a dealbreaker for me!

Obsidian77 · 25/04/2017 11:00

C0RA you wonder why they would both take a risk with her health and her life? Because he is pressuring her to have sex and putting his "needs" above her wellbeing.
Thephoneywar if your DH were ill and unable to have sex for 4 weeks you'd leave? Some illnesses, depression being one of them, don't clear up overnight.

Original poster
UmizoomiBananaRamama · 25/04/2017 11:02

I'm trying anything and everything to get my libido back (Hense why I suggested stopping the AD's)
It's not working though. And reading all your comments I see why now..

What I mean by he doesn't respect me or the home is that he always undermines me in front on DS and doesn't lift a finger in the house. He works full time and I'm a SAHM but he'll get home, throw his shoes and shirt ANYWHERE (including living room floor) and park his backside on the chair until we go to bed. He hasn't cooked in about 18 months and hasn't done a load of washing since before DS was born. He only notices things if they're wrong (ie I'll spend the whole day spring cleaning downstairs making it look really nice for when he comes home and he'll complain that I haven't washed any socks today.)

OP posts:
Huskylover1 · 25/04/2017 11:05

You're not going to get a balanced view on here. There tends to be a general opinion on mumsnet, that if one person in a relationship decides that they don't want sex any more, then the other person (with the unchanged sex drive), has to suck it up, not mention it ever again, live happily celibate and, if they do ask for sex, they are moving into rapey territory.

For me, 4 weeks is far, far too long. And this isn't a one off, you've been going 4 weeks between dtd for a period of 2 years now. Yes, that actually could be a deal breaker for me, I don't know, but I do know that I wouldn't be a content person in this situation.

You can't change your sex drive, any more then he can change his.

With my ExH, I did not have a very good sex drive and would frequently reject him. (the opposite of how I am now, with DH). Eventually he got it elsewhere. I don't really blame him, tbh.

Could you switch to another AD, and see if that changes anything? Presuming of course, that you do want to resume a normal sex drive.

Huskylover1 · 25/04/2017 11:07

Oh, cross posted. Hmm. I can see why you aren't turned on by him, if that's how he behaves. You're going to have to have a frank discussion about that.

HomityBabbityPie · 25/04/2017 11:07

What a vile man.

TheSparrowhawk · 25/04/2017 11:09

'You're not going to get a balanced view on here. There tends to be a general opinion on mumsnet, that if one person in a relationship decides that they don't want sex any more, then the other person (with the unchanged sex drive), has to suck it up, not mention it ever again, live happily celibate and, if they do ask for sex, they are moving into rapey territory.'

Total and utter bollocks.

The OP has said that she's tried to sort the sex situation. Her partner on the other hand treats her like a servant and complains about her while at the same time pressuring her for sex, even when she's waiting results of tests for cervical cancer.

No one has to put up with a sexless relationship - if they don't like it, they can leave. But equally no one should have to have sex they don't want, ever.

PollyPerky · 25/04/2017 11:09

I don't know of many couples who have been married for a long time where they have sex often. Once a month is very normal for some couples. Even less is normal for some people. I know of couples who are in sexless marriages (defined as less than once a month) and they are happy. Every couple is different.

I think the posts from women here saying that they want sex a lot and if the OP doesn't she is wrong are very unhelpful.

This isn't just about sex, it's about a man bullying her to meet his needs regardless of her own feelings. I wouldn't stay married to someone who treated me like that.

PollyPerky · 25/04/2017 11:11

What I mean by he doesn't respect me or the home is that he always undermines me in front on DS and doesn't lift a finger in the house. He works full time and I'm a SAHM but he'll get home, throw his shoes and shirt ANYWHERE (including living room floor) and park his backside on the chair until we go to bed. He hasn't cooked in about 18 months and hasn't done a load of washing since before DS was born. He only notices things if they're wrong (ie I'll spend the whole day spring cleaning downstairs making it look really nice for when he comes home and he'll complain that I haven't washed any socks today.)

This is why you don't want sex. It's emotional abuse. he's a bully.

I think you should consider separating on what you have said above.

TheNaze73 · 25/04/2017 11:14

I agree with husky, in answer to your original question. Yes it would be. Everyone has different wants from a relationship & what he wants, he isn't getting. If I don't get what I want from a relationship, I end it. Sexual compatibility is so important.
However, he is going about things like an utter cock & isn't helping himself

squirreltrap · 25/04/2017 11:14

I lost any desire for sex with my ex-h

He pestered constantly (which obviously didn't work and never does)

We divorced

I realised I had a raging sex drive when I fancied, loved and respected the other person

For whatever reason, you don't fancy your husband ( he is right there!) but the question is, what do you do about it? It is only a vicious circle while you stay in the denial that it is only your ADs that are crashing your libido. What is the truth about your desire to have sex with your husband?

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