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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

4 weeks no sex a dealbraker?

238 replies

UmizoomiBananaRamama · 25/04/2017 09:39

I was going to post in 'Sex' but thought I'd get a bit more support over here in 'Relationships'.

Since the birth of my DS 2 years ago, I've suffered with depression and anxiety. I've been on anti depressants for about 8 months and they're really really helping me. Only problem is my sex drive is pretty much non-existent.
I'm just not in the mood. I feel like I could happily go the next couple of years without it.
But my DH on the other hand... we used to dtd about 4 times a week, and now it's maybe once every month.
Anyway last night he asked me for sex (like he does 3 times a day) and I said sorry I'm not in the mood, how about tomorrow night? (I'm just going to have to grin and bear it)
And he started saying that 4 weeks is such and long time and that he can't keep going like this.

I said that we have other marital issues that are more important for us to sort out first, mainly his lack of respect for me or our home, and that that's probably a contributing factor as to why I'm not in the mood.

But he said the lack of sex is the only issue that matters.

I'm at a bit of a crossroads. Sorry for the long posy I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
ilovechoc1987 · 25/04/2017 12:21

It's not bribery!! I just remind him that if I'm swept off my feet all day then I'm going to be too tired for anything else!.
It's common sense!.

Original poster
UmizoomiBananaRamama · 25/04/2017 12:23

His excuse is he's been on his feet for 12 hours a day at work, he wants to be able to relax when he gets home.

OP posts:
TheSparrowhawk · 25/04/2017 12:23

Why should your partner need to be reminded to do his share of work ilove, surely he just does it anyway?

HomityBabbityPie · 25/04/2017 12:23

what sparrow and treacle said.

You can dress it up however you want choc but it sounds an awful lot like bribery to me.

ilovechoc1987 · 25/04/2017 12:23

I'm a sahm so it's my job to clean the house and his to work 12 hours a day.
He does pitch in, but I keep on top of most things.
I don't see what's wrong with that??
Maybe if your husband has an easy ass job working 9-5 they might have more time to do chores, but mines not physically able to be there, he has a difficult job with loads of responsibilities and it's time consuming.

TheSparrowhawk · 25/04/2017 12:24

When do you get to relax Umi?

HomityBabbityPie · 25/04/2017 12:24

His excuse is he's been on his feet for 12 hours a day at work, he wants to be able to relax when he gets home.

Say yes, so have I, that's why I don't want to have sex with you.

SandyY2K · 25/04/2017 12:25

Do men need to be intimate to know that they're loved?

Some do. Nobody here can answer for all men, even if you are one. He might need intimacy to feel loved and you I suspect need to be respected to feel loved.

That respect encompasses and patience, kindness & understanding.

Have you told him that a contributing factor is his behaviour and that it's difficult to feel in the mood when you feel a total lack of respect from him?

HomityBabbityPie · 25/04/2017 12:25

Choc your comment is irrelevant. We are not arguing over whose job it is to do the housework here. We are arguing over the fact the OP's DH expects her to have sex when she doesn't want to.

She shouldn't have to use sex as leverage to get him to do what any normal functioning adult ought to be doing anyway.

Original poster
UmizoomiBananaRamama · 25/04/2017 12:26

Homity good one! Thanks for making me laugh!!!

OP posts:
ilovechoc1987 · 25/04/2017 12:27

But op seems like she's consumed with just about everything, caring for kids, housework, depression etc.
If one of those things were to be alleviated it may help her to recover from her depression, and who knows she might get her libido back.

Original poster
UmizoomiBananaRamama · 25/04/2017 12:28

I think I'm really starting to see what type of man he is..
I have tried really hard to get my libido back, to those saying I need to try harder. I think I've gone above and beyond.

I don't really know what to do now, though.

OP posts:
ilovechoc1987 · 25/04/2017 12:29

Then you need to split up then op.
I know people who haven't had sex in over year and it doesn't bother them.
If it's an issue, maybe things won't work out.

TheSparrowhawk · 25/04/2017 12:32

'But op seems like she's consumed with just about everything, caring for kids, housework, depression etc.
If one of those things were to be alleviated it may help her to recover from her depression, and who knows she might get her libido back.'

I agree. But you don't seem to have seen the posts where the OP says she's asked her partner to participate in running the house and he simply refuses.

PickAChew · 25/04/2017 12:33

Well if I was ill and had lost my libido, as a consequence, there's nothing about your petulant, self centred pest of a husband that would reignite the embers.

ilovechoc1987 · 25/04/2017 12:34

Which is why I said she needs to be clear what the problem.
What am I supposed to say to help? 'Your husband is a shit'
Just trying to be constructive.

TheSparrowhawk · 25/04/2017 12:37

'Your husband is a shit' is constructive because it acknowledges the actual situation the OP is in. Pretending that something else is going on (ie that the OP just needs to tell him what to do and everything will be fine) isn't helpful at all.

ravenmum · 25/04/2017 12:37

Imagine what it would be like if both of you stopped working when your dh came home. If you both did your various duties for 8 hours, then both sat down and put your feet up. That would be equal.

Obviously you wouldn't get any food, the kids would run riot and the place would be a mess after work from 6 p.m. until the next day when you both started work. So instead of that, after work, you would both still have to cook, clean and look after the kids a bit. That would be equal.

Instead, OP, your dh gets (say) 8 hours at work, 8 hours asleep and 8 hours relaxing, while you get 8 hours asleep and 16 hours at work. Hmm, why might you not be able to relax into sex, I wonder?

Bananamanfan · 25/04/2017 12:39

It sounds as if you are a thing for your husband's convenience.
My dh has had elements of this behaviour in the past, but i don't think he was as poor a husband as yours.
It helped when i went back to work; it boosted my confidence a lot & dh has upped his game.
Would it be so bad if he did leave? You deserve better than this & surely him not being there is better.Flowers

SandyY2K · 25/04/2017 12:41

@ilovechoc1987

You are making a lot of sense in what you say.

If I was the only one going out to work, I would not expect to be doing an equal amount of domestic chores. I'd actually be less inclined to want to have sex with my spouse under those conditions. I appreciate that being a SAHM is not a stroll on the beach.

Although I do wonder how how some men expect to do next to nothing in the form of household chores and expect their OH to want to be intimate with them.

That simply leads to resentment and bitterness.

There needs to be understanding and compromise.

That you were in the middle of a cancer scare and he was still thinking about sex like that, just shows he is (sorry to say) a selfish husband, who doesn't show in his actions that he cherishes you.

If my DH was harrassing me for sex at such a time and I'd have been looking at a future without him.

ilovechoc1987 · 25/04/2017 12:42

She has a 2 year old, I don't think throwing a job into the mix is going to help, it will only give her more jobs to do.

I think op that your husband needs to pull his weight more and start respecting you.
Until then you're never going to get better.

AnyFucker · 25/04/2017 12:44

I wouldn't shag that lazy fucker either

DeleteOrDecay · 25/04/2017 12:44

Op he sounds awful, if there's one thing I can't stand in a man its when they feel they have a right to sex with their partner regardless of what else might be going on in the relationship. That kind of entitlement and disregard for your feelings would be a massive turn off for me so I can totally understand why you're not exactly jumping for joy at the prospect either (along with everything else you have to deal with).

I'm not sure what to suggest, if he can't or doesn't want to care about the other issues then what can you do except start thinking about leaving him?

ravenmum · 25/04/2017 12:46

My ex never started doing household duties even after I started work, partly as I work from home - so could supposedly put the washing on while working, perhaps by telekenesis as I sat at my desk.

I do wonder if he actually realised, after we split up, how much time he was suddenly having to spend washing his own clothes, cleaning up his own piss etc. Would be nice to think that it occurred to him even briefly, that he'd been treating me like the cleaner all these years. Probably didn't occur to him, but I can dream :)

Bananamanfan · 25/04/2017 12:53

Going to work is not more work; someone else is arranging activities for your dcs, feeding them, clearing up after them. I find days at home with dc3 much harder (more mentally draining) than my working days.