4 weeks no sex a dealbraker?

[UmizoomiBananaRamama]

I was going to post in 'Sex' but thought I'd get a bit more support over here in 'Relationships'.

Since the birth of my DS 2 years ago, I've suffered with depression and anxiety. I've been on anti depressants for about 8 months and they're really really helping me. Only problem is my sex drive is pretty much non-existent.
I'm just not in the mood. I feel like I could happily go the next couple of years without it.
But my DH on the other hand... we used to dtd about 4 times a week, and now it's maybe once every month.
Anyway last night he asked me for sex (like he does 3 times a day) and I said sorry I'm not in the mood, how about tomorrow night? (I'm just going to have to grin and bear it)
And he started saying that 4 weeks is such and long time and that he can't keep going like this.

I said that we have other marital issues that are more important for us to sort out first, mainly his lack of respect for me or our home, and that that's probably a contributing factor as to why I'm not in the mood.

But he said the lack of sex is the only issue that matters.

I'm at a bit of a crossroads. Sorry for the long posy I just don't know what to do.

This seems to be an issue which comes up again and again. I have to say, even with a lower libido after having dd I still want to be intimate with DP more than once a month.

However, we went through a phase where he got complacent about doing things around the house and our sex life disappeared, he had got used to me doing everything in the house before DD but obviously a breastfed newborn meant I couldn't get everything done on my own anymore and I needed him to help.

I didn't want to have sex with someone who was just creating more work for me during the day by leaving clothes all over the floor, towels and bowls and plates everywhere, and then just sat playing on his PlayStation when he got back from work while I continued to do loads of laundry or dishes or organising post etc. He started getting annoyed by the lack of sex, and I explained that while he gets to clock off at the end of the day and relax, as a SAHM I couldn't do that, my job is 24/7/365 and as he was creating more work for me I had less energy to engage with him in any way in the evenings, and the resentment didn't make him sexually appealing to me. I explained that if he helped more with chores I would have more time and energy for him, so now he regularly takes DD for a walk while I have a bath in the evening and does a bigger proportion of chores than before. I still do the majority but just not having to gather crap from all over the house to clean it/put it away has made a huge difference and makes me feel more respected. And we have more sex because I am not so exhausted and busy in the evenings trying to keep the house in a liveable state.

Maybe OP you need to explain it like this to him? You feel disrespected by his lack of care over the running of the house and not only that but you are suffering from PND, not a combo that is going to inspire lust, he needs to make changes to make you feel good, and feel loving towards him - giving you breaks and taking care of where he leaves things when he is done with them rather than just expecting you will clear up.

And honestly I don't understand why anyone would advise someone to stay with a person who pressured them into sex while they were waiting for cervical cancer tests to come back. That alone would kill any love for me, it is hideous. Any man who has sex with a woman who clearly doesn't want it isn't fit to be in a relationship with anybody.

Ffs why are people telling the op to talk to her DH. She's done that. He doesn't care.

Yes and lots of us have given that advice too sparrowhawk .
But you know what ending a relationship when you have a child isn't as simple as saying 'it's over' putting I will survive on and then dancing off into the sunset
Relationships take hard work!
The vast majority of us have been through at least one of OPs issues.
Iv have pnd, depression, a disabled child who is ill in health as well, money problems etc and lack of libido. If I'd just decided to quit then I'd be throwing away a lot of good things too, so instead of throwing it all away I find a way to salvage
Should op really leave her husband, be a single mum to a 2 year, have to find a job, and do everything on her own in the end anyway?

If that's what she truly wants then time will tell, but it's always better to try and fix things first.

My mum left my arsehole of a Dad. Thank god. It was better for all of us that she was a single parent.

I agree with Sparrow I don't usually say ltb, but what is OP getting out of this relationship.
Somebody who gives a shit would not keep pestering for sex when their partner is ill. What sort of low life would do this.
yes, sex is important in a relationship but it doesn't come before everything else, including your health and well being.

The OP does everything anyway ilove, plus she's pressured into sex by a partner who can't even pick up a towel. How would it be worse for her to leave him??

My advice, OP, would be to get yourself some therapy (if possible) so that you can think through the situation you are in and gain some more confidence about how much you might expect your husband to contribute to his home life after work, and the lengths which you want to go to, to satisfy his needs. It's worrying that you felt pressured to stop ADs for his sexual wishes; maybe you need to get your head clear about quite how worrying that is.

Perhaps you also need more friends around, more activities to do outside the home, again to give you a clearer view of the big picture and make you feel human and worth caring for again? Perhaps something a bit sporty, as exercise helps a great deal with depression?

Note that I'm not suggesting these things as ways to get your libido going again, but as ways to improve your mental health and work on having a nicer, happier life. You probably shouldn't make any big decisions about your relationship until you are feeling better, have a little more confidence and are able to argue your point more clearly.

Don't listen to the arguments that you must open your legs whether you like it or not to stop your husband leaving you. That idea is abhorrent. Sleep with your husband if you want to. It takes two for someone to want to have sex.

Being at work is ridiculously easy compared to being at home with young DC.

^ That depends on what your job is. It's far too much of a generalisation to make that statement. You may have found it easier, but not everyone would.

I've done both, as I worked part time, when my DC were young. Been at home with young. Some days at work, I wished I was at home with my DC.

Other days, when they drove me mad, I wished I was at work.

I disagree that there is a double standard on this. I have seen other threads where female ops are told it's not ok to pester their OH for sex if he is depressed, recovering from an injury etc
Also, that fails to account for the not insignificant fact that pregnancy and childbirth don't affect men at all to the extent they affect women. Recovering from vaginal trauma, complications from CSections, PND etc are bound to affect your relationship and your sex life. Plenty of men are able to understand this, cope with it as best they can and support their wife or partner to recovery.

Ok she should leave him (like Iv already suggested.)

TBH it doesn't sound like she loves him and there's a huge possibility he'll end up finding sex elsewhere anyway.

Yes I'm sure he will choc, as he sounds like exactly the type of arsehole who would cheat on a wife with PND because he wasn't getting enough sex.

I agree ilove, he sounds like a total shithead who would cheat on his wife.

but at least put them in the dishwasher and not on the floor of the living room when he's done eating

But why do you pick up after him?

You're his wife, not his slave. If my 3 year old niece leaves a plate on the floor I'd ask her to pick it up.

The problem among others here, is that you've accepted doing this, so it's become custom and practice. It's now the norm.

People do what you let them get away with.

Next time he throws his dirty clothes on the floor, leave them there. Tell him to put them in the laundry basket or else they won't get washed.

Once my DH (years ago) was complaining that I went out and hadn't prepared a meal. I took the DC to a swimming gala.

I told him he was an able bodied human being and if he couldn't look in the fridge or freezer and find something to cook.. Then shame on him. That's the last time he tried that.

Better still.. One that a friend said to her DH was "will your penis fall off, if you cook a meal"

Just in the point of anti-depressants, I also completely lost my libido when I went on them. My doctor has said that I can try a different one, they are not all the same in that respect.

'The problem among others here, is that you've accepted doing this, so it's become custom and practice. It's now the norm.

People do what you let them get away with.'

That's actually not true. Normal, kind people do kind things. Shitheads do horrible things and then complain that they're being nagged when they're asked not to do them. The fact that the OP is married to a shithead doesn't mean she's responsible for the fact that he treats her with disrespect.

Thanks for all your messages and support and opinions.

I don't know why I continue to pick up after him... maybe because I don't want my house to look like a tip. I feel like if my surroundings are clean and clear it helps with my mental health (ie if I wake up with a big black cloud over my head and then come downstairs to a ton of work, I feel much worse and 0 motivation)

He said to me before, when my PND was at an all time low and wasn't doing much except look after DS, that if the house was clean he would be more inclined to keep it clean too.
But since I've been on the sick (3 months) I've kept the house pretty spotless and, shock horror, he still doesn't clean up after himself.

He hasn't cheated on me, and tbh I really don't think he would. He's been cheated on before and it badly hurt him. He's worried I'm the one that's cheating because I don't want to have sex anymore.

Sometimes I wish he would cheat on me so at least I'd have a solid, valid reason to end it.

I just want to be able to give my DS a family with two parents who love and respect eachother. And I know I'd feel so incredibly guilty to my DS if I left DH.

"Ffs why are people telling the op to talk to her DH. She's done that. He doesn't care." but has she though? Or have these exchanges happened during times of frustration where they are both thinking about their own frustrations within the relationship and then the resentments come out in the form of an argument on both sides, instead of a time when they are both in a different place and can have a hopefully rational calm discussion about where they're heading.

If he genuinely isn't up for discussion on any level then that is a different matter, but presumably it wasn't always like this, even by the OP's own admission.

It's far easier to suggest someone simply leave than to see whether issues can be resolved in the longer term. But leaving isn't like having the keys to the castle - if the OP is already isolated, not able to work due to her illness then leaving a relationship is not going to magically change that, if anything it will put her in a position where she becomes even more isolated, on her own with a two year old.

Nobody is saying that leaving shouldn't be an option, but it shouldn't be the automatic first step. None of us are in the OP's marriage. We are all giving opinions based on what the OP tells us about her DH, except that this will be from her perspective. He may be all of the things she says and more, in which case leaving may well be the solution, or it may be that the OP is in a dark place and any talk of sex feels like pestering to her even if it's not meant that way. Which is why they need to communicate before just running for the hills.

That's actually not true. Normal, kind people do kind things.

But she's accepted it by picking up after him. It doesn't sound like a one off either.

My point is that the OP does not have to pick up after him.

Of course it's laziness and unacceptable, but unless he faces the consequences he won't change. It shouldn't come down to that, but what's the alternative?

This isn't about not washing dishes or picking clothes off the floor, when he was asking for sex during the cancer scare... You had your answer about who he really was.

A poster here had a similar situation. Having undergone an op for cervical cancer... And being told to abstain from sex because of the risk of infection, she was being harassed for sex. That's when you need to cut and run.

No loving husband would do these things.

'Of course it's laziness and unacceptable, but unless he faces the consequences he won't change. It shouldn't come down to that, but what's the alternative? '

The alternative is not to be in a relationship with a lazy person who couldn't give a shit.

WannaBe you make some very mural valid points.
We have tried talking about it. He's not an empathetic person which makes things difficult as he has never had an experience with depression, for example. Everything is black and white with him.

He's very much 'always in the right' too. Even when he's clearly done something wrong, he won't ever apologise. He'll make an excuse as to why he did it or maybe even make it into something that I've done wrong.

And because of this I haven't really spoken to him about it since.
I don't know where to start or what else I could say that would make him understand just how unhappy I am.
Anytime we have a discussion about our problems and I really get something off my chest and open up, he won't ever give me a response. He'll walk away or change the subject, sit in silence or go for a cigarette. It's like he doesn't know how to respond so he just waits until the dust settles and carries on as if nothings happened and we never spoke.

I'm also really scared about being on my own, if I'm honest. Sounds silly but I haven't really ever not been in a relationship.
I know I wouldn't want to be with anyone for a while if we do separate. I know that I'd need to learn to be on my own. It's just a scary thought.

DH has also said many times before that he can't believe how much he loves me and wouldn't know what he'd do if we ever split up (I'm not worried about him being violent or anything) and I really don't know how he would take it.

DH has also said many times before that he can't believe how much he loves me and wouldn't know what he'd do if we ever split up (I'm not worried about him being violent or anything) and I really don't know how he would take it.

Please don't worry about him. After all it's his fault you are in the position of even considering leaving, if he loved you as much as he says then he wouldn't treat you with such disrespect.

Your fear of being alone is totally understandable. You don't have to leave him. The problem is that given his inability to talk things through, it's unlikely anything will get better for you. Your mental health is already bad and it's going to be difficult to get better in an environment where you feel ignored and defeated.

TBH I don't think this relationship can be salvaged. He may say he loves you but that really means nothing if he won't put any effort into making the relationship work. And even if he did put in effort, I think it would be hard for anyone to get past the fact that he has shown so little care for your feelings up to this point.

Look- open your eyes. His behaviour is not remotely that of a man who loves a woman. He may think he loves you . But from what you have said it's all about HIM and his needs being met. He only loves HIM.

Maybe you need to consider that the reason he treats you so badly is because he KNOWS you are vulnerable. He thinks you'd find it hard to manage (though in reality you would be fine) and that is why he bullies you - because you allow it.

How you put up with his behaviour is beyond me. OPen your eyes and start planning to leave.

Are you intimate with each other in other areas? Do you both kiss and cuddle each other? Do your hold hands or sit next to each other on the sofa. Do you eat dinner together? Do you give each other massages or foot rubs or back rubs. Do you cuddle in bed when sleeping?

If there is no other moments of mutual intimacy in the relationship then being motivated to jump into sex must be hard.