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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

4 weeks no sex a dealbraker?

238 replies

UmizoomiBananaRamama · 25/04/2017 09:39

I was going to post in 'Sex' but thought I'd get a bit more support over here in 'Relationships'.

Since the birth of my DS 2 years ago, I've suffered with depression and anxiety. I've been on anti depressants for about 8 months and they're really really helping me. Only problem is my sex drive is pretty much non-existent.
I'm just not in the mood. I feel like I could happily go the next couple of years without it.
But my DH on the other hand... we used to dtd about 4 times a week, and now it's maybe once every month.
Anyway last night he asked me for sex (like he does 3 times a day) and I said sorry I'm not in the mood, how about tomorrow night? (I'm just going to have to grin and bear it)
And he started saying that 4 weeks is such and long time and that he can't keep going like this.

I said that we have other marital issues that are more important for us to sort out first, mainly his lack of respect for me or our home, and that that's probably a contributing factor as to why I'm not in the mood.

But he said the lack of sex is the only issue that matters.

I'm at a bit of a crossroads. Sorry for the long posy I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
treaclesoda · 27/04/2017 17:42

Pretty you're kidding right? You think someone waiting to find out if they have cancer would have the natural reaction of craving sex? I've been that person and it was terrifying (although thankfully resulted in an all a clear) and sex was far from my mind. I was pregnant at the time but if I hadn't been there is no way I'd have risked having sex anyway because you'd hardly want to risk pregnancy when you might be facing cancer.

DeleteOrDecay · 27/04/2017 17:43

And I still managed not to alienate my husband and turn him into my helper rather than an annoyance in my life.

This is exactly what I'm on about. "I suffered from depression but still managed to/not to do xyz" is nothing but ignorance to the fact that depression affects everyone differently.

PrettyBelle · 27/04/2017 17:44

Treaclesoda, for God's sake. Some people have sex after funeral. Some when grieving. Would you judge them? Sex can mean different things. For me, it is someone showing that they love you, need you, care about you, want to make you feel good, that you are safe, that you are alive. It is not just romping like rabbits.

DeleteOrDecay · 27/04/2017 17:46

Cancer can last year's too.

Would you tell a cancer sufferer to just give in and have sex with their pestering partner even though they don't feel like it?

PrettyBelle · 27/04/2017 17:47

Delete, again - I did not suffer from depression, I still have it. Yesterday I cried in the car on my way to work. For no reason.

I am not saying that everybody is the same. I am saying that there are ways to try to help yourself rather than dismissing everything straight away "because I have depression". If anything, OP could see my feedback as an indication that it doesn't have to be all bad, that she can try to live a happier life.

PrettyBelle · 27/04/2017 17:49

Delete, I guess I don't understand how you can not want to have sex with a man you love. For years, as you say. It is not love, it is friendship. If both parties are happy about it, more power to them. OP's husband isn't. So would not work for them.

treaclesoda · 27/04/2017 17:50

I'm not judging anyone for wanting sex. Hmm It was the comment about how you would think a cancer scare would make her want the comfort from her husband.

And I most definitely am judging anyone, male or female, who thinks their desire for sex is more important than their partner's health.

DeleteOrDecay · 27/04/2017 17:50

So do I. But I still don't expect others who have depression to conduct themselves in exactly the same way I do because it affects everyone differently. It's really not a difficult concept to grasp whether you have depression or not.

nauticant · 27/04/2017 17:50

You might be surprised by this PrettyBelle, but other people react to situations differently to you. And in many cases their reactions are completely valid.

It's amazing, I know, but there it is.

PrettyBelle · 27/04/2017 17:52

treacle, I wish you would stop bringing help into it. OP does not have cancer (thank God) or any other debilitating disease. She can have sex. And I am pretty sure that she would have sex with someone who she is attracted to.

PrettyBelle · 27/04/2017 17:52

not help - health

treaclesoda · 27/04/2017 17:53

Silly me, I thought depression was a health issue.

PrettyBelle · 27/04/2017 17:54

OK, so what do they have to do? OP is trying to "talk" to her husband. He is not responding to "talk". Husband is trying to have physical contact. OP is not responding to that.

PrettyBelle · 27/04/2017 17:56

treacle. So is low blood pressure, high blood pressure, minor heart conditions, diabetes, etc. They do not prevent you from living a fulfilling life.

DeleteOrDecay · 27/04/2017 18:01

Depression can be debilitating actually. It kills people.

Jesus Christ.

PrettyBelle · 27/04/2017 18:05

It can be but thankfully it does not appear so in OP's case, from what she is writing.

GahBuggerit · 27/04/2017 18:06

Awwww................all of these sensitive little men who need sex to feel loved. If someone cant go 4 weeks without a shag and is threatening all sorts then they have got serious issues.

You know what OP? Just leave this horrid waste of a man. He'll have to go way longer than 4 weeks when hes single.

gluteustothemaximus · 27/04/2017 18:09

He'll have to go way longer than 4 weeks when hes single. Grin

Original poster
UmizoomiBananaRamama · 27/04/2017 18:43

PrettyBelle for some reason you feel like because you went through / are still going through depression and are still able to be affectionate with your husband just like before then everyone must feel the same.
I get that you're trying to give advice based on both sides of the argument. But I have stated many times that I'm trying to sort out the problem. I've previously made an effort of us having sex/being intimate more than once a week, and his behaviour towards me or our other issues didn't change. The only thing that changed, hand on heart, was him letting me choose what to watch on tv in the evenings.
And my depression is pretty debilitating, some days. Sometimes it's so bad that I'm absolutely heartbroken that I woke up at all, that I didn't die in my sleep.
I get good days, and bad days. Just like everyone else. And I'm not saying 'my depression is worse than yours', but you can suffer with mild forms or more severe forms. Sounds like yours is quite mild, lucky for you.

Thank you to everyone who's actually sticking up for me, Delete, treacle etc ❤

OP posts:
gluteustothemaximus · 27/04/2017 18:49

Umizoom. Your last post is heartbreaking.

You are the most important person right now, you and your recovery. So sorry for your bad days 🌺

nauticant · 27/04/2017 19:13

OP. PrettyBelle is playing the Devil's Advocate game. It's an indulgent type of derailing that's beloved of posters who believe that if everyone else in the world did the same as them then all would be hunky dory.

It isn't always clear why Devil's Advocate posters play their game, it might be to undermine confidence, it might be to make themselves feel superior. However, on Relationships advice threads they are best avoided.

HomityBabbityPie · 27/04/2017 19:20

Op ignore Belle. They are a goady fucker.

DeleteOrDecay · 27/04/2017 19:24

FlowersUmizoomi, I can relate. Some days are definitely better than others and the bad days can be really debilitating to the point where I can only just about get the basics done, sex is often way down the list of priorities on those days.

I'm sorry your H isn't very understanding or accommodating of you and your needs like you try to be of his and I'm sorry there are some posters on here who can't help but kick someone when they're down under the guise of being 'helpful'. You deserve so much more.

GahBuggerit · 27/04/2017 19:42

Ok have read a comment about op should be seeing comfort spreading her legs for her dh in her dh arms while she is having a cancer scare.

A cancer scare.

A cancer scare in her sex organs. That are used for sex.

Just fucking process that for a moment.

ijustwantfiveminutespeace · 27/04/2017 19:55

Men need sex to feel loved
Woman need to feel loved to have sex