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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

4 weeks no sex a dealbraker?

238 replies

UmizoomiBananaRamama · 25/04/2017 09:39

I was going to post in 'Sex' but thought I'd get a bit more support over here in 'Relationships'.

Since the birth of my DS 2 years ago, I've suffered with depression and anxiety. I've been on anti depressants for about 8 months and they're really really helping me. Only problem is my sex drive is pretty much non-existent.
I'm just not in the mood. I feel like I could happily go the next couple of years without it.
But my DH on the other hand... we used to dtd about 4 times a week, and now it's maybe once every month.
Anyway last night he asked me for sex (like he does 3 times a day) and I said sorry I'm not in the mood, how about tomorrow night? (I'm just going to have to grin and bear it)
And he started saying that 4 weeks is such and long time and that he can't keep going like this.

I said that we have other marital issues that are more important for us to sort out first, mainly his lack of respect for me or our home, and that that's probably a contributing factor as to why I'm not in the mood.

But he said the lack of sex is the only issue that matters.

I'm at a bit of a crossroads. Sorry for the long posy I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
KaosReigns · 25/04/2017 11:15

Hell, DD was 9 months old before DH got laid post birth. 4 weeks is nothing, especially when there are medical causes.

Your DH sounds like a prick.

Florida28 · 25/04/2017 11:17

Totally agree with Phoney

I had cervical & breast cancer, was in total denial. Had my treatment and became depressed. DH was a total rock, very supportive and patient. He never once pushed the subject of sex. But I did go off it 110%. At first it was the healing and worry about pain, then I didn't feel attractive, then I felt he'd be better off without me. The long and short of it we spoke, often, and kept the communication open without resentment or accusations. He did feel I had gone off him/didn't want him as we were living as friends. At one point we went 5 months without DTD. It was difficult to over come but we found ways to be close without DTD and built up from there. The key has to be communication.

If your husband isn't supportive and patient and you're not trying to take steps to improve your libido, you're at a dead end sorry Sad

KaosReigns · 25/04/2017 11:17

Oh, and the first 5 moths of the pregnancy due to HG, and the final month due to SPD...

HomityBabbityPie · 25/04/2017 11:18

It's a circular issue though isn't it. The OP'S DH behaves like an arsehole so of course she isn't going to want to have sex with him. Her emotional needs aren't being met. For many people that's a prerequisite of sex. I wouldn't want sex with my DH either if he was as much of a prick as this bloke seems to be.

4 weeks without sex is nothing, particularly in the circumstances the OP describes.

I would also feel very uneasy about a man who would be quite happy to have sex with a woman who quite obviously doesn't want to. What man wants sex like that?

TheSparrowhawk · 25/04/2017 11:21

'I would also feel very uneasy about a man who would be quite happy to have sex with a woman who quite obviously doesn't want to. What man wants sex like that?'

A rapist.

ilovechoc1987 · 25/04/2017 11:23

They say men need sex to feel love and women need love to want sex.

I used to want sex everyday, but after 3 kids we just don't have the time. I don't particularly want to have to shave everyday for a start, and there are some days I don't even get a chance to have a shower!.

However I try to make the effort at least once a week, because I find the longer I go, the more down and unattractive I feel and the more we argue and then the more insecure I feel.
Besides there are plenty of things my partner does for me to keep me happy that he's not always in the mood for, and I just feel like I should make the effort as it's not going to kill me.

You have to accept that he's probably going to resort to pleasuring himself with or without porn I'm afraid, but don't feel under obligation, try meeting in the middle and surprise him with it twice a month and see how you feel after that.

yetmorecrap · 25/04/2017 11:25

I honestly thinkyou have to accept that some people, especially some older women aren't that bothered beyond a certain age, many of us cannot say why, it's just 'in there' are we expected these days to be up for it forever more on a very regular basis? In the OP case, I was married to someone like this in my 20's , everything was about sex, even with 2 young children and working, he also used to go to the pub, get in at 11.30 , bang around downstairs waking me up, then come up and expect sex. He actually had an inner calendar that seemed to tell him exactly how many days it was since last time. He was a working class manual worker and I think it was an attitude amongst him and his mates that women were there for kids, kitchen and bedroom. In the end I had enough, I think you will too OP

Obsidian77 · 25/04/2017 11:30

If I don't get what I want from a relationship I end it
Obviously that's your choice but I never cease to be astonished by the selfishness of people who put their sex drive ahead of their responsibilities to their partner.
Op is unwell. Telling someone who is suicidally depressed to make a bit more effort with pleasing her husband is glib and insensitive.

Original poster
UmizoomiBananaRamama · 25/04/2017 11:58

But we used to be very sexually compatible. But my needs have changed and his have stayed the same (or even more so).
I bring up the other issues with him but because I keep having to bring them up he now sees this as nagging.
I ask him to help me around the house, just now and again, he says yes, and the next morning his towel and dirty clothes are flung across the bathroom and hes shouting at me because he can't find his keys.
I really wish things could go back to how they used to be and I'm really trying but he's not putting in any effort.
He has tunnel vision on this -
Us having more sex = him being happier = our relationship improves

OP posts:
TheSparrowhawk · 25/04/2017 12:05

You shouldn't have to submit to sex in order for him to do his fair share of work around the house - he should do that anyway regardless of how much sex he's getting.

ilovechoc1987 · 25/04/2017 12:09

Op his desire appears to have increased because you don't have sex as much as you used to, that's all.
My partner never pesters or guilts me into sex , but I notice that the days after we have had sex he's a lot more affectionate, helpful and hands on and I also feel lifted. When we haven't for a while we drift apart and both of us are more crabby and argumentative.
Although I don't get as 'horny' as I used to, having sex lifts my mood, makes me feel 'normal' and connected to my partner.
I make sure I'm all prepared and feeling good about myself, just now and again and then we have that fun evening together, where for a while we're not just parents we're lovers and friends also.

I'm not saying that you should feel bad about all this and i do agree he needs to lay off the pressure big time! but have you ever thought about maybe just trying to make time for it now and again? It might actually make you feel better. It did help me.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 25/04/2017 12:09

Did he expect you to pick his crap off the floor before you had DS?

ravenmum · 25/04/2017 12:12

Why these suggestions that OP is not "trying to improve"her libido? As she said herself, she even tried giving up on the medication that was stopping her from feeling suicidal, just to improve her libido! If that is not "trying" I don't know what is. And she is attempting to discuss this with her partner, who is being a massive dick in response.

What happened to people just being nice to their partner? When you know that a friend, or even just some random stranger on the street, is depressed, you treat them with care because you know they are not themselves and can't help whatever unusual behaviour they're displaying. But when it's your life partner you give them four weeks to get their act together, then you dump them? Right.

Just for general information, ADs often (usually?) make you totally unable to orgasm. It's one of the main side effects. They can make you dry up like a parched river bed, and they can make you so knackered that all you want to do is sleep. They are not "happy pills"; they switch off your feelings so that you might not actually feel anything towards your partner, let alone lust. They are 100% better than depression but they are not good for your sex life at all.

A proper course of ADs (SSRIs) can take years to complete. When you come off them it can take weeks or months before you are able to reach orgasm again.

Just because a woman doesn't have to get it up to have sex doesn't mean she is or should be permanently up for it. If her partner dumps her because she can't have sex pleasurably for four weeks, that says everything that needs to be said about her partner, not about her.

Original poster
UmizoomiBananaRamama · 25/04/2017 12:12

ilovechoc I know exactly what you mean. I feel like after we have had sex he's so helpful and living towards me. But if we haven't in weeks he's very irate towards me.

But I'm NEVER in the mood anymore. I have tried a few times to psych myself up and get in the right head space, but honestly I can't wait until it's over.

I don't want to be intimate with him.

OP posts:
C0RA · 25/04/2017 12:13

What about the other way around ? How about he looks after the baby and the housework after work and at the weekend and is nice to you, doesn't shout at you or mention sex.

If he does that for a month, you might find that you want to have sex with him.

Why doesnt he try that ?

After all you were both willing to try something that made you ill and was potentially life theatening.

And you have been compromising by having sex with him when you don't want to .

If he won't try that I suspect he doesn't really want to save your marriage .

TheSparrowhawk · 25/04/2017 12:15

I'd imagine that if you left this idiot you would find that you suddenly don't feel so depressed any more.

ilovechoc1987 · 25/04/2017 12:15

I'm not suggesting op tries to improve her libido. I just think they both need to meet in the middle.
I always hint at my partner that if he was more helpful I'd be a better partner to him (wink wink nudge nudge sort of thing.)

In short your husband needs to know that if he were to help more it would save up some energy for you and some sanity as well, then maybe you'd have time and piece of mind to want to have sex.

ravenmum · 25/04/2017 12:16

(PS I speak as someone who sees sperm as a lovely kind of free anti-depressant (google it!), and is delighted that she is now off the ADs and back into orgasm territory.)

TheSparrowhawk · 25/04/2017 12:17

'In short your husband needs to know that if he were to help more it would save up some energy for you and some sanity as well, then maybe you'd have time and piece of mind to want to have sex.'

If he were to 'help' more?? As in, it's the OP's job to pick up his shirt and socks, but if he would 'help' by doing it himself, she might then shag him? WTAF???

ilovechoc1987 · 25/04/2017 12:18

Ok op so are hoping your husband will accept this fact?
What do you think will happen if you don't have sex for months on end?

Maybe some counselling will help?.

ravenmum · 25/04/2017 12:19

I doubt he will agree to get counselling for his dickishness. But might be worth a try.

ilovechoc1987 · 25/04/2017 12:19

Thesparrowhawk use your brain, maybe if us mums weren't so busy and tired maybe we'd feel more in the mood. More help=more energy.

HomityBabbityPie · 25/04/2017 12:19

I always hint at my partner that if he was more helpful I'd be a better partner to him (wink wink nudge nudge sort of thing.

Jesus wept, do we really expect so little of men that we think we have to bribe them with sex to do housework?!

TheSparrowhawk · 25/04/2017 12:20

The word I have a problem with is 'help' - the OP isn't asking for 'help,' she's asking the other adult in the house to do his fair share of work.

treaclesoda · 25/04/2017 12:21

When my DH does housework etc he's not doing it to help me. He is doing it because he is an adult who also needs clean dishes, clean clothes etc. Hmm