Shit just posted in the wrong thread so will be flamed understandably!!
I've created a huge mess, If someone wrote it as a script for EastEnders it would be turned away as too implausible.
The ultimate cliche, I met someone at the Christmas party 2015 whilst on a contract job. I'd only married in the spring but that was after 12 years and I think it was a last ditch attempt to make something work when in reality it had been over a long time. The OM was also married and initially told me he would never leave his wife but, far from make me run it made it feel safer as I never thought I'd leave my family. Over the first 6 months it was so exciting, I discovered a whole new side to myself and realised how lacking in love and affection my marriage was. Then the inevitable, we got caught.
I told my husband I loved the other man, I had no idea at that time whether OM would be so brave. He had to fess up for fear of his wife being told and after staying in the house for a few weeks we looked at places and planned to move in together. Then it all went pear shaped, I was scared about going straight from one family home in to another and, when scared or hurt (any reason really) I drink too much and I think he saw that and ran... Understandable.
He rented somewhere alone and my poor husband has had to live with me in the house whilst in love and still seeing OM, there was no way for me to leave the family home.
Time passed and things between me and OM got better and we started to plan life ahead again, then his wife got sick, really sick, she needed him and though I know we all think people that cheat are devils he isn't and did the only thing he could, be there for her. It was so hard, I got that he wanted to support her but felt like it signalled the end of him and I, and though I know its immensely selfish I couldn't deal with it. I made life hard, drank too much and basically ruined the good part of the relationship anyway.
Then as she got closer to the op I started having pain, I bled and went to the hospital- I'd had a miscarriage (in my hour I hadn't even known I was pregnant) and again on a path of self destruction I told him at the worst time, when his wife needed him way more than I did. He did offer to be with me but I couldn't take him way from her in her time of need, and I thought I'd be OK. Resentment and bitterness grew, I drank, I cried, I got angry, I said some awful things to him because I couldn't tell anyone else.
And now he doesn't want me anymore.
I know it is karma, I know I hurt his wife and my husband immeasurably, I know I deserve it and for that reason I can't talk to anyone in RL, but I feel broken. Partly the miscarriage (though the baby clearly had a lucky escape from me), a lot what I've done to everyone's lives and selfishly I just miss and want him so much and knowing he doesn't want me is devastating.