I am a horrible person, with a flary temper. I can control it 99.9% of the time and don't think anyone in real life even knows about it. I over compensate with my DD 2.5 by being extra loving, patient etc etc because I know how quickly I could lose my patience if I don't make a conscious effort. Am definitely firm but fair, she is on the whole very very well behaved.
If she is naughty she gets told, then a warning of what will happen if she continues, and then consequence. Which is usually removing something relevant or sitting her away from me while I calm down. It breaks my heart how quick she is to say "sorry mummy I'm sorry" and try to hug me, its like she can see that bad temper behind my eyes wanting to throw her out of the window, while I'm counting down from ten and recomposing myself. In that moment I hate myself for getting so angry with her for essentially toddler behaviour, even if I work so hard not to let it show. I wondered if she was scared of me, but she is still showing all normal behaviour, and is still bloody defiant and contrary as is age appropriate so I guess not, luckily. I would hate her to be afraid of my temper.
Last night in the bath after two long days solo parenting, lots and lots of activities to keep her happy/ busy despite me being pregnant and suffering from tonsilitis, I finally lost it. Over nothing. I feel like I had been correcting her all day, over mainly small irrations, her constantly wanting to do the opposite, go the other way, resist help with anything...trying to rationalise things with her which are within her comprehension but no less exhausting for me (no we can't go to the outdoor swimming pool in feb because its too cold so its shut, take your swimming costume off please etc etc from 6am-8pm).
I tried to make hair washing fun by helping her to wash her barbies hair while I did hers, even though by this time I barely had the energy to lift her in and out never mind role playing, minimalising upset etc.
She wanted to empty the bath water (shes in a bath on the floor of the shower) jug full at a time down the drain. I explained that she was spilling water all over the floor, tried to take the jug off her but couldn't bend over that far with my belly in the way quick enough , stop it, STOP IT, and then just as she poured a whole jug over the floor I slapped her. She was only trying to help in her own obstinate, toddler way. I just couldn't calmly parent one more friggin time that day. I didn't have chance to step back and calm down, I was on my own, and she was in the bath pouring water all over the bathroom floor.
She didn't even cry. She just stood up and got out of the bath like nothing had happened. When I lent over her to pull the bath plug, she flinched like I was going to hurt her.
I hate myself and my stupid fucking temper. Could happily have driven myself off the road on the way to work today. What kind of monster slaps at 2 year old in the face?