Non-judgemental SUPPORT thread for anyone screwing up in any aspect of their lives

[loopdesoup]

So fed up of stumbling across threads on MN where people are seeking genuine help with a mistake they've made or a particular damaging behaviour they can't seem to control and posters waiting to jab, criticise and put them down at every opportunity. This thread is for posters offering SUPPORT ONLY for anyone screwing up in any aspect of their life. Like a confessions thread where nobody is going to sit being their phone or computer screen typing away mindlessly and judgementally. Speaking out is a big step; this thread is for those who can SUPPORT.

[dyinginside]

I agree that this is what mumsnet should be about, affairs/ cheating and all sorts of behaviours are sometimes not as black and white as some people would have it
I can totally understand women on the relationship board having extreme views on how bad it is, and it is, I'm not minimising it at all, but when you've not been even as much as kissed in years, or held properly or talked to like you mattered you are very vulnerable to someone being kind to you
I tend to fall in love a little bit with anyone who shows me a little bit kindness, male or female
The up and down madness of affairs make me at least feel something rather than dead inside, I can't blow apart my kids lives though
People on here, in my opinion, should be able to be truthful and seek kindness and support and get it, not flaming and judgement
Obviously some people are just nasty cheaters but in reality it's not always as clear cut, people say there's no excuse to cheat but sometimes there is and sometimes there's fault on both sides

[ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess]

dying I know that feeling - I had crushes all the time when I was with my ex. As you said, if they showed the slightest bit of kindness or attention, I'd start imagining what it would be like to be with them, rather than the cold, unresponsive partner I was with. It's so weird because now I'm actually free of that relationship - it should be a cause for celebration, not drowning my 'sorrows'! Hmm....

[dyinginside]

That's not always the case , sometimes you're mourning what you could/should have had with your ex, and that's totally normal, it is like a sort of grieving process
Be kind to yourself and let yourself feel what your feeling, the celebrating will come

[ghostspirit]

This seems a lovely thread. I hope people get something good from it.

[Lucysdiamonds]

I know the feeling too .. I always develop crushes on men who show any interest in me .. I feel like a freak.

[NameChangeFlurry]

Ive been seeing someone in an open relationship for 2 years - hes now met another woman and has become very cold towards me, I think im just not the "new shiny toy" any more.
I know I need to end it but I cant face going back to my single sexless childless life - i'm 36 and was never in demand when I was younger and thinner, I can see the rest of my life being single and lonely stretching out in front of me and it terrifies me.
I wish I'd realised that I needed to find a husband when I was much younger, I didnt realise how much I wanted it until it was too late :(

[BoccadiLupa]

mucky I have been exactly in your shoes. I'd recommend a book called When Good People Have Affairs. In the end I left my husband for OM and have been very happy with OM for 5 years now. It hasn't always been plain sailing but exH has met someone else, seems happy and we now have a very good co=parenting relationship. so I promise there is light at the end of the tunnel...

[Shamefulsecrets]

This it's a great idea, just too worried about the newspapers picking it up to post my shameful secrets.

[Shamefulsecrets]

I have no self esteem and seem unable to say no in case I hurt people's feelings (even if I really don't want to do it). I'm easily flattered if someone's nice to me too.

[shoobadobeedo]

Shameful: are you a woman? I recommend a book called Assertiveness: A woman in your own Right. It's fantastic.

[StumblyMonkey]

Abbs...if you're on anti-depressants and still crying all day please go back to your GP.

It sounds like your meds aren't working as they should...either you are on too low a dose or they aren't working for you. There are many, many types of anti depressants...it's very common to have to try different doses and different types before finding one that works well for you x

[Dragongirl10]

WOW you lot are brave and strong......just goes to show you don't know how strong a woman really is until she is in deep trouble......no magic answers here l am afraid but hugs and support.

[Muckyduck]

Boccadi thank you, I will check that book out. It's good to hear there is light at the end.

Notready At the moment yes, he's willing to wait as long as I need. He won't forever though although if he ends it then at least that's a decision I don't need to make. I don't mean to sound cowardly, just that decisions always fall to me and this time it feels too big. I don't want it.

[toomuchtimereadingthreads2016]

I am a horrible person, with a flary temper. I can control it 99.9% of the time and don't think anyone in real life even knows about it. I over compensate with my DD 2.5 by being extra loving, patient etc etc because I know how quickly I could lose my patience if I don't make a conscious effort. Am definitely firm but fair, she is on the whole very very well behaved.

If she is naughty she gets told, then a warning of what will happen if she continues, and then consequence. Which is usually removing something relevant or sitting her away from me while I calm down. It breaks my heart how quick she is to say "sorry mummy I'm sorry" and try to hug me, its like she can see that bad temper behind my eyes wanting to throw her out of the window, while I'm counting down from ten and recomposing myself. In that moment I hate myself for getting so angry with her for essentially toddler behaviour, even if I work so hard not to let it show. I wondered if she was scared of me, but she is still showing all normal behaviour, and is still bloody defiant and contrary as is age appropriate so I guess not, luckily. I would hate her to be afraid of my temper.

Last night in the bath after two long days solo parenting, lots and lots of activities to keep her happy/ busy despite me being pregnant and suffering from tonsilitis, I finally lost it. Over nothing. I feel like I had been correcting her all day, over mainly small irrations, her constantly wanting to do the opposite, go the other way, resist help with anything...trying to rationalise things with her which are within her comprehension but no less exhausting for me (no we can't go to the outdoor swimming pool in feb because its too cold so its shut, take your swimming costume off please etc etc from 6am-8pm).

I tried to make hair washing fun by helping her to wash her barbies hair while I did hers, even though by this time I barely had the energy to lift her in and out never mind role playing, minimalising upset etc.

She wanted to empty the bath water (shes in a bath on the floor of the shower) jug full at a time down the drain. I explained that she was spilling water all over the floor, tried to take the jug off her but couldn't bend over that far with my belly in the way quick enough , stop it, STOP IT, and then just as she poured a whole jug over the floor I slapped her. She was only trying to help in her own obstinate, toddler way. I just couldn't calmly parent one more friggin time that day. I didn't have chance to step back and calm down, I was on my own, and she was in the bath pouring water all over the bathroom floor.

She didn't even cry. She just stood up and got out of the bath like nothing had happened. When I lent over her to pull the bath plug, she flinched like I was going to hurt her.

I hate myself and my stupid fucking temper. Could happily have driven myself off the road on the way to work today. What kind of monster slaps at 2 year old in the face?

[Shamefulsecrets]

Yes, I'm female.

[PurpleNurple69]

Please try and put it behind you toomuchtime and don't torture yourself. Seems to me you're trying to do too much. You already did plenty of activity during the day - there's nothing wrong with a quick dip in the bath before bedtime.

I slapped my son across the face when he was 5 when we were trying on his school uniform for the first time. No idea why and I was distraught afterwards. 20 years later I still feel sick with guilt when I think about it. It was a moment of madness which I've tried very hard to control ever since.

[boobiebaps]

Toomuchtime: my DS is the same age as your DD so can only really empathise with how difficult behaviour can be when flying solo and I'm not heavily pregnant!
I sometimes yell and feel v guilty afterwards as I also suffer from bouts of rage due go a firey temper.
You know yourself that you never want to do that again; it is probable that she won't remember too. This is a positive of the situation.
Couple of tips: my DS behaves this way for attention. I take myself away from the situation now if its safe to do so as it's the worst punishment for him too as he no longer gets my attention. I'm guessing it was entirely safe as your DD was in the bath .
Praise: when I have a day of constant nagging at DS for very similar reasons to you, I make a conscious effort to stop and find something to praise him for. I often find he then turns his behaviour around because he wants to head more of the praise. Difficult when in the midst of anger and frustration bit it does work.
I'd say try to forgive yourself and forget about what happened and make a conscious effort to make sure it doesn't happen again by finding and using strategies as best you can. Even the calmest parents flip at times though.

[ShameChanged]

Thank you user. Today is a new day but I feel so flat and full of self loathing. My family, friends and DH are all so supportive, far, far more than I deserve and I want to repay that support now by sorting my shit out and behaving again like the person I used to be. I just see sad and flat in front of me though. I think I might be damaged beyond repair and like everyone might just be better off without me in their lives. I'm toxic.

[ineedsummer1]

I mourn my exh still after 2 years, we were together 15 years and its all my fault.
Its a cliché but I had an affair with my boss, I knew it was wrong but I pursued it anyway. After years of being a doormat and stressed out with no support from exh, it was nice to feel wanted and be treated like a woman, that's no excuse to my behaviour but that's how I felt.

I had no intention of how far it would go but I couldn't live with the guilt and told exh I didn't love him, I then proceeded to split the family up as I just couldn't talk to exh or tell him what I had done. I convinced myself it was the best way.

OM left his wife and is still in a bitter divorce now after nearly 2 years.
OM lives with me now but I'm not happy - although exh had his faults I miss him and family life like mad.

I think I'm depressed and want OM to leave but I don't have the courage and the kids have become attached. Ive tried talking to him but he just seems to dismiss it.

I wish were different, I want to fall in love genuinely again and be happy.
I don't know what to do.

[boobiebaps]

Also, I remember my grandfather, a very calm, reasonable man once slapped me as a child when I began fighting with a siblings he completely shocked himself and me. He never did it again and we had the most wonderful relationship until he died last year. It doesn't make you a monster if it only happens once.

[PurpleNurple69]

Have you spoken to your GP toomuch about this? I know people say that we're too reliant on AD but I've come to accept that after 20+ years of on-off depression, I'm taking them with no intentions of stopping. Fuck it. If that's what I need to function like a normal human being then that's what it'll be. I'm on Prozac for life as far as I'm concerned. Without it I get suicidal every 6 months or so and I never ever want to feel that low again.

All the posters on here who cry at the drop of a hat, spend most of the day trying not to scream at their kids/spouse, please speak to your GP and get help if you're not already on ADs. If you are on them they might need changed.

My lightbulb moment came when I screamed at my lovely husband for chopping on the bathroom door asking if I wanted to go to a party that night. It was NYE. The house phone had rung and I couldn't face talking to anyone as I was severely depressed so I let it ring and went to the bathroom to escape. My DH picked it up and followed me as it was a friend of ours organising a party. After screaming in his face for no reason, I started making plans to kill myself. Not because I was miserable and all woe is me but because I was a fucking monster who had no business being here, making everyone's lives a misery.

I had it all planned. I was going to just disappear. Oh but I can't leave my kids. My mum left us when we were all little and i swore I would never do that. Ok, I'll take the kids with me. I can't do that, that's not fair on DH. It's not his fault I'm evil. The kids will be forever damaged if I walk away and I'll feel so guilty I'll kill myself anyway. Ok, I'm just going to end it. They might be sad but they'll see it's better this way. Right how will I do it? I'm scared of heights so I'm never throwing myself off a bridge. I'm squeamish so cutting my wrists is a no no. Tablets washed down with alcohol? Yes. Trots off to Google how many diazepam will it take. That's when I knew I had to get help. I phoned the GP and spoke to the receptionist who of course said there were no appointments. So I said quite calmly if I can't see a doctor today I was going to kill myself. She said sh d talk to the Gp and phone me back. All I wanted was to be checked into hospital so could be knocked out for a few months. I saw the Gp that afternoon and he immediately signed me off work and got me on meds. He refused to section me as he felt I needed to be with my family. It took a few weeks but I got better. But now when I feel that red rage starting and that black cloud enveloping me I know I need to get back on or up my meds.

Sorry for the loooong post

[PurpleNurple69]

He was chapping on the bathroom door, not chopping a la Jack Nicholson!

[jade1245]

hi I am 10 weeks pregnant and I am so stressed out this is my second pregnancy I had really bad postnatal depression with my 1st and so worried it's coming back again. so I had a scan on the 2nd Feb which put me at 6 weeks 4-3 days and then I had another on the 22nd Feb which put me at 9 weeks 1 day i need to know how accurate these scans are as I don't remember my LMP date I've tired to rack my brains but I just csnt figure it me n my bf broke up.n I had sex with someone on the 21st of Dec and me n my bf got bk together the next day I had sex with him around Xmas time my doctor says it's fine I would of completely missed it with the other person as by the scan I would of fell pregnant beginning of Jan and sperm can only live up to 3 to 5e days inside you. but I just can't shake this feeling I feel like I'm going insane I've been reading up on it every single day my head feels like it's going to explode I just csnt deal with it anymore someone please help I'm so scared because of what I done n I'm an over thinker I'll go back into a deep depression

[user1472402339]

Yesterday dh pulled me to the floor by my hair knelt on me and told me he wanted to kill me, I did call women's aid, but I know I am still not able to leave as after so long this has become my normal.
Today I am back to just carrying on as normal and rembering all the good things in my life I have a lot to be thankful of and if I can just squash the bad bits down to feel less significant I can manage, I really want to contact om just for someone to treat me as I think I should be, but so far I am successfully resisting, which another thing I am getting right
This thread is great I can safely just say this is what happening without being bombarded with ltb, which any sensible person would do, I am making a mess as I choose to stay.

[noblame]

loopdesoup thank you and well done for starting this, great idea.
Victim bashing and black and white attitude can be so hurtful to even just watch on here!

gingernot you went for again a job less then ideal as you still have to regain your confidence, self esteem and so on, I believe. But pat yourself on your shoulder as you have already taken many steps toward "recovery"
I know a fair deal about C.O. I used to attend self help groups 2/3 times a week a good 20 years ago. Like any ex-addict even if I have not done it for years, decades in fact, it never quite become a non-issue. Please do not wast the hard work done so far, keep taking bay-steps. Spring is coming and can help with eating fresher food and walk more. I hate gyms and will never blame anyone for avoiding