Non-judgemental SUPPORT thread for anyone screwing up in any aspect of their lives

[loopdesoup]

So fed up of stumbling across threads on MN where people are seeking genuine help with a mistake they've made or a particular damaging behaviour they can't seem to control and posters waiting to jab, criticise and put them down at every opportunity. This thread is for posters offering SUPPORT ONLY for anyone screwing up in any aspect of their life. Like a confessions thread where nobody is going to sit being their phone or computer screen typing away mindlessly and judgementally. Speaking out is a big step; this thread is for those who can SUPPORT.

[Thattwatoverthere]

I'm 36, childless, in debt and pretty anxious most of the time. My relationship ended 6 months ago when I told my ex that I was pregnant and I haven't seen him since. Just abusive messages telling me to abort and how bad a person I was. I had a mmc and needed a d&c, suddenly he wanted to be there for me and was annoyed that I wouldn't let him. He's now in a relationship and I see pics of him and her on fb all the time. I don't miss him at all, the relationship was cold and one sided and I put up with far more than I should have but I'm angry that he puts this all behind him like it never happened and I'd be 6 months pregnant now and still think of it a lot. That hurts. I wanted my baby so much.

So now I'm trying to get on with things, want a relationship exactly the opposite of what I had but know that it's too soon and don't want to bring my issues into another relationship just yet. I'm in a friends with benefits situation that I feel I'm ok with but a previous thread I made highlighted that he's controlling, just like pretty much every man I've been with. I think I'm strong but clearly attract this type of person so can't be as strong as I thought I was.

I need to get out of debt and buy a place but I'm on a DMP so it'll take years and I'm ashamed of telling anyone about it because how could I be so stupid?

My anxiety sometimes makes me afraid to do things in my job that I should do which makes me more anxious, worrying that one day I'll be found out and let go. But if I lose my job I'm at square one. I can see the stupidity which is even more ridiculous.

I thought my life would be sorted by now.

Sorry for the long post, is really good to get some of it out.

But one quote I lived by when things were really rough a few years ago still stands. Everything will be ok in the end, if it's not ok, it's not the end.

for all

[noblame]

it should have been baby steps, not Bay

[Ratbagcatbag]

I am leaving my dh, we have a nearly 4yo dd. I know it's the right thing, I don't love him, he's devastated and there have been a number of instances over the years that have got me here.

I then read a thread at the weekend where people suggested if there is no abuse or affairs then you are being selfish to leave and ruin your children's lives.

I feel worse now than ever. I've tried to make it work, I wanted it too. I've stayed two years longer than I would have if there was no dd. But I can't stay and now I feel like (yet again) the worst mum in the world.

[noblame]

Also wanted to share something with poster who write about short temper.
I'm in the same club. It is hard work but you can really stay focus and in control. Something of an Epiphany for me was when I was really angry and telling my DC off and DC said to me " I am not scared of you anymore "
My heart sunk. I told DC that if I was shouting it was NOT to scare him or because of him, but because I have a very bad temper and it is totally my fault and sorry if I was scary at any time.
That was a turning point. DC was 8/9 at the time. It wasn't even anything out of the ordinary or regular but it was enough to have an impact on DC.
Hope that DC words can inspire you.

[AntiqueSinger]

If I'm nice and not my usual bitchy self, can I join? Pleeeeaaasssee

ineedsummer1

My heart goes out to you. It is difficult to feel happy if you still feel guilty about the foundation of your relationship ifswim? Are you certain it isn't a continuing sense of guilt that's preventing you from moving on from your ex and finding happiness with your current partner? Or could it be the unspoken pressure of 'having to make it work to justify the hurt and loss caused to previous partners and kids' That's a huge burden that would suck the joy from any relationship? If it is, I'm all for acknowledging guilt but not hanging onto it once its usefulness has passed. Or is it really just looking back on lots of 'firsts' (babies, wedding, engagement etc) shared with your ex? Your ex obviously wasn't perfect, are you sure you're not covering everything with glitter from a distance?

Sometimes when we cause the shit, we deny ourselves opportunity to grieve. But grieving for what was, and how it ended, is necessary to move forward and fully embrace the now.

Or is it just that you discovered you don't really love the om after all?

I think you could do with some counselling to talk through it. At the very least it will give you clarity and give you the strength to move on if you want.

[ineedsummer1]

Thanks antiquesinger
Its probably a combination of all of the reasons. Last summer I begged exh to take me back, he had just started seeing a much younger girl I think if she wasn't on the scene he would have said yes. I hate her.
I couldn't get him to understand why I did what I did, he just isn't open to talk and I have caused that., he buries his head in the sand much like our relationship, but I loved him so much, I didn't think he really cared that much about me.
OM is a good man and loves me, I just think I don't deserve to be happy after all the devastation Ive caused.

[Mumandsome78]

I'm in. This thread couldn't be timed better.
Single mum by choice. I left. Good decision. Marriage was broken. One year in, making the wrong choices and conducting a kind of teenage fling which means way more to me than the man (who is much younger than me) and which is also centered on a hobby I live for. I left the marriage to seek peace of mind and a more equitable relationship, ideally. One year in, I am living what I call my wilderness months. Highs and lows. Volatility in mood - ie either super on it and happy or miserable and anxious and jealous etc. Horrible. I need to change it. But I changed so much this last year I am exhausted and lack the tools

[ineedsummer1]

I feel totally drained today, cant sleep at night and anxious and lonely all the time :(

[AntiqueSinger]

I just think I don't deserve to be happy after all the devastation Ive caused. Dodgy thinking. Many - a great many - people who have done things that would turn the roots of your hair white and make you look like St Theresa or the Blessed Virgin in comparison, are right now as we speak, living happy, enjoyable fulfilling lives, filled with luxuries we can only wish for, and many of these 'undeserving' people will avert cancer or other horrible illnesses and die peacefully in their sleep. And many good, self sacrificing people will experience the complete opposite and die destitute and in agony But you're going to hold yourself back from happiness to please whom exactly?? Because the great cosmos doesn't give a fig, or everyone would get their just deserts. And Tony Blair wouldn't be a millionaire with a massive property portfolio whilst I struggle to pay rent.

I think it is always important to acknowledge when you've done wrong and grieve a bit, but then you have to get on. THAT is how you make good. Make yourself happy = Make your relationship happy = Make your children happy = your ex actually less bitter when he sees that actually everyone's better off.

You're (just my opinion) making a classic mistake of not being all in, because you are emotionally and mentally divided and therefore getting 35% of the relationship instead 0f 90% (no one gets 100). And of course it feels crap.

But you absolutely have a right to be happy. And you sound lovely. Lifes too short. Grab your happiness. You're not hurting anyone anymore. Only yourself.

But if you do not love om don't let guilt stop you moving on. But if you do still love him then embrace it girl!

[Shamefulsecrets]

I'm married with 3 kids. My husband is a good man, hardworking in his career and provides well, but he doesn't help elsewhere, which makes me feel like I've got 4 kids. I'm getting very resentful of him but can't ever leave. I've tried to improve things generally to no avail and as I didn't fancy him anymore I tried to spice things up; getting him to try being dominant in the bedroom. This has backfired as he seems to really enjoy it, but I've realised I don't. It's always about his pleasure, never mine and I'm doing things I don't want to.

[Corroboree]

What an amazing thread. Thank you for starting it loup.

[ItsNachoCheese]

I need to lose a couple of stone for my wellbeing (not massively overweight but its getting me really down) however i seem to do well then everything goes to shit again. Ive tried sw but i couldnt stick to it as it was too expensive and being a single parent every £ counts. I hate myself some days i just need a kick in the right direction

[WarmFunKindStrong]

Antique wonderful post.

to all.

(Perhaps request moving thread to OTBT or 30 days only to 'hide' from searches, prevent journos...)

[Dontstayoutsideinthiscold]

I'm Dontstayoutsideinthiscold and I drink too much wine at the week end and it's now the only reason why I'm not losing weight..I have stopped eating sugary things but wine seems almost impossible ! Help !

[Shamefulsecrets]

I second moving this thread somewhere less obvious.

[ghostspirit]

Some times I just want to express things sound of a bit. I don't a bit of a chat about it. But I'm not looking for people to fix it. And I'm not ready to be fixing.

[uptonogood]

After 22 years with my DH I'm having an affair with a married man it's been going on for 16 months. It's fucked up, we message and sext every day even Christmas and new year, even when we are both on holiday with our families. We meet 2-3 times a month for sex and a chat in person. I don't know what to do. I don't want to end the affair but I don't really want to leave DH, he earns all the money so it feels like I'm trapped and the kids would be devastated. I fell out of love with him about 4 years ago due to lack of support and intimacy and low level emotional abuse. I tried for 2 years to address these problems but I was told they were my issues not his so I needed to sort it out myself. We hardly have sex. I felt and feel emotionally starved. I'm not really getting what I want from the affair either but I'm addicted to the sex and banter we have with each other.

[PurpleNurple69]

Is ELR ok? I missed their posts.

[AntiqueSinger]

Upto it sounds like you are lonely. Is there any chance of you and DH rekindling your relationship at all? Would he go counselling with you? If nothing is going to change you are stuck between a rock and a precipice really. The thing is, if something doesn't change circumstances may well change it for you. How old are the kids? My thought is even if you left DH, would you and OM actually end up together? If you suddenly discovered you had cancer, would the OM be by your side, mopping your brow and holding your sick bucket? What if sex suddenly became impossible? If you know the answer is no to these questions, then the OM is just a waste of time and head/heart space and you should gradually (not immediately, or you would have done so had you the strength) wind it down. Stop texting so often, wind down the texts. Get yourself some counselling so there is someone you can confide in who will not judge. And if possible get yourself away anywhere on your own for at least a week with no contact with the om and very little with DH so you can hear yourself think. My bet is you're lonely and in love with the adrenaline of the sex not the OM. He's loving it and it sounds like he has no intention of leaving his wife soon. You deserve the best of both worlds in one person.

[loopdesoup]

Listening to all your stories and sending to every single screw up on this thread. This is a safe place to vent and not be judged or ridiculed by anyone... we're only human and we're allowed to make mistakes.

[Shamefulsecrets]

I'm definitely lonely and have no one in rl who I can talk to about this kind of stuff. I'm too embarrassed and it would make things awkward because you can't unsay these things so it would always be there.

[Lucysdiamonds]

I too have no one I can talk to in RL. I'm very lonely, know no one locally.

I've made a real mess of my life. I split up with my bf because I couldn't stand the constant fights - which were all started by me - and because I don't know if I was being fair to him, whether I was leading him on .. I didn't know how I could spend the rest of my life with him ... we're so different .. want different things. When I've tried to explain he gets upset.

Now I feel awful. I know he'll be upset. I haven't slept all night. I miss him. But that doesn't change the problems above. Trouble is, I'm waiting for him to text/call/come round ... although I told him not to and although I know it'll just be the same again some point in the future.

I'm an awful person. .. I've ruined several persons lives. I'm 52 and sad and lonely .. I've no money but I've just booked a holiday because I think dd and I need a holiday after all the stuff we've been through. I've paid for it but I've delved into my emergency savings which worries me.

I had a LOT of debt with my second husband. I've paid off the stuff in joint names but there is lots remaining in his name. It's all due to his inability to hold down a job .. although I worked nearly all my life until I had a breakdown, but wasnt earning much, doing any job I could get .. cleaning, catalogues ... however I'm not going to be able to walk away from it and I can't afford to pay off more .. I used all the money I got from the sale of the martial home to pay off any in joint names. I'm scared and stressed about it. CAB say if it's not in my name I'm not responsible for it but I'm not sure.

I can't tell my mum I rehomed my dog because she'll not approve and made me promise I wouldn't when I left my husband.

Everything's a mess. I'm so stressed and only coperson with valium .. a low dose but still ...