Non-judgemental SUPPORT thread for anyone screwing up in any aspect of their lives

[loopdesoup]

So fed up of stumbling across threads on MN where people are seeking genuine help with a mistake they've made or a particular damaging behaviour they can't seem to control and posters waiting to jab, criticise and put them down at every opportunity. This thread is for posters offering SUPPORT ONLY for anyone screwing up in any aspect of their life. Like a confessions thread where nobody is going to sit being their phone or computer screen typing away mindlessly and judgementally. Speaking out is a big step; this thread is for those who can SUPPORT.

[Notreadytomakenice]

Thanks Purple, it'd be ideal to take time out but I have children. House is on the market but I need my job and I can't sort childcare for my son and daughter on my own as I work full time 9-5.30 and commute each way is an hour so wouldn't get to the childminders or school in time. I'm in London and I can't look for a job with less hours as couldn't afford to live... Don't want to tell work as it's a male dominated company and they'll think I'm 'another hormonal female', family think I created the mess myself, friends are helpful but in some cases I think a bit (understandably) judgemental, so I drink, which in itself brings a whole new thread of problems!
Saw 2 magpies today... Let's hope it works!

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

My children haven't got dressed all day. I drink too much. I have bad depression and emotionally unstable personality disorder. I handed my notice in last month and have no job to go to. I'm moving next weekend and my anxiety is sky high. My ex husband is dragging our financial settlement to trial which is going to cost stupid amounts of money.

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

And I'm stupidly in debt because I can't stop spending.

[Muckyduck]

Great idea for a thread OP.

I have posted before about my situation under another name but there are some parallels to yours Notready. I really feel for you.

I also met someone December 2015 and I have been having an affair for nearly 15 months now. I'm not proud of myself and I know how selfish I'm being but I love him and he loves me and I'm really struggling to let that go.

The complication is that I do still love DH but in an entirely different way. I don't fancy him and haven't for some years despite him being a good husband and father. He'd be devastated if he knew that.

I just can't seem to make a decision. I know what I should do but I'm struggling so badly. I've been in counselling for a year to try and make sense of it/a decision but I'm not getting anywhere. I'm not trying to have my cake and eat it, this is some awful fucking half life I wouldn't wish on anyone.

OM is single and wants to be with me permanently so at least it's just my own life I'm fucking up for now but it's only a matter of time before I get caught.

I hope everyone gets the support they need.

[Notreadytomakenice]

Mucky its hard. Whilst of our own making and therefore without the right to ask for sympathy its still a very hard situation to be in.
In your case is OM just content to wait around until you choose?

[humanfemale]

for all of us.

I stopped drinking exactly 150 days ago today, and since then a lot has improved but my feelings and childhood are basically spilling out all over my life in a big mess because I don't have wine to push them down with anymore.

I've started making myself sick again. Not every day but it's slowly getting worse. I'm waking up in the night with panic attacks and not falling asleep till 2am or 3am. My husband is doing his best, but I can see myself I am emotionally remote right now. I've really slipped over the past month.

I was writing in a diary, lots of self help and it was helping but I've lapsed and now actually feel scared about picking up that book.

Have no idea whether to go to doctors for medicine (ADs haven't worked for me in the past, and I have tried a lot). Also worried about using drugs to push down my newly sober self without giving me a chance - does this make sense? But I am struggling. Suffering, actually.

Thank you for this thread!

[PurpleNurple69]

One day at a time female, that's all any of us can do. What does your OH suggest about ADs? Does he think you need to be on them? When I'm feeling low, I tend to shut down/disengage but eventually my lovely husband finds a chink in the armour and helps me recognise when i need a bit of extra help.

Don't give up on ADs - I'd imagine that you'll need a bit of help to get you through this tough stage. You've done incredibly well to get through 150 days dry without meds - hats off to you.

[ShameChanged]

Namechanged. Around a year ago, I discovered my DH's affair. It was like a bomb going off in our lives and I felt completely destroyed by it. I just about held it together for the sake of the DC for a few months while we tried to work though it and had counselling etc. Then I went to a party, got drunk and slept with my friend's husband. His circumstances were similar to mine and he was hurting too. We began an affair which has lasted for almost six months. During this time, I have behaved despicably. I've lied to DH and my lovely friends. I've rubbed DH's nose in it, again and again and enjoyed seeing him in pain. I've taken huge, life changing financial risks that keep me awake at night. I hate who I've become. Someone who hurts instead of cares for people. I don't recognise myself anymore. I feel so broken though. I have forgiven DH but I cannot forgive myself for the terrible way I've treated DH and my lovely friends. I've used alcohol to escape and last night, it all came to a head when I got outrageously drunk and behaved dreadfully. I hurt and embarrassed several of the people I love most in the world. As a result, OM has now ended our affair. I know this is for the best, but I am in love with him and feel like my heart is breaking. I think that I'm so completely fucked up, that I will honestly never feel happy again. I wish I could just disappear.

[ShameChanged]

I just want to feel peace and contentment again, rather than hurt and shame. I can't believe how horribly and unexpectedly my life has changed in the last year. I want to feel normal again, but I don't know where to begin.

[user1472402339]

Shame changed no advice just it will change again, it can get better for all of us on here.

[LiquoriceWheel]

I've posted about this before but I had a really unhelpful reply. Basically, I feel like my life dreams have been stolen from me by people I know. It really fills me with heartache if I think about it and I feel like no one understands

[loopdesoup]

I've read everyone's post but can't reply individually as there are so many! I'm glad people are using it :) A safe place to vent and confess and and not be judged is exactly what MN should be!
There are reasons behind every 'bad' behaviour and you can never ever give the full story on MN. There are people put there having affairs because their husband or wife hasn't given them physical or emotional intimacy in years... so is it really wrong? People who are tied up in businesses with long term abusive partners and can't leave. Some of us who feel too vulnerable to change aspects of our lives and stay put in shoddy or unpleasant situations despite our misery. And it's all ok!

[loopdesoup]

And by the way:
I'm screwing up because I hated my job and took a huge paycut to change my line of work and it's already cost us a couple of thousand pounds.
I'm screwing up because I can't get along with my MIL
I'm screwing up because I speak to my partner like crap because he has zero awareness of how to run a household and be in a relationship and can't be there for me emotionally or have sex with me.
I'm screwing up because I keep trying to fix myself and I'm failing.
I'm screwing up because I post on MN under a range of usernames for help and support with all of this, but I end up feeling even more like shit because people tell me I'm doing things wrong and should do x y and z.
I'm screwing up because instead of enjoying my children and my life Im never bloody happy.

[HappyAxolotl]

Thank you Loopdesoup.

I'm not really sure where to start with mine. I guess last summer. I had a job I didn't love but didn't hate. After a company restructure the workload doubled overnight, then in the next 3 months it went up by the same amount again. At the same time my boss' deputy who had never liked me took up constantly micromanaging me, bitching about me to others and criticising everything I did, especially in front of an audience. It was a role where I had to liaise with different companies and departments to get things done and as everyone was now under pressure I ended up being the central point for everone's complaints. For example the IT system was falling apart (due to not having the budget or the workers to mend anything properly, everything was patched up until next time it went down) and I seemed to spend as much time listening to whinges about that (that I could do nothing about) than I did my actual job.

Come the start of November I was having panics every morning, I was late often as it would take me several attempts to get out of the front door. I existed on coffee and Red Bull to stay focused at work and I'd come home at night and drink to get to sleep. Work felt like I was walking into a war unarmed. I was actually wishing something awful would happen to me so I didn't have to go another day like this.

At the end of November I spent several days lying in bed crying, barely able to move. Somehow I got it together enough to call in sick and call the doctor, who took one look at me and signed a sick note.

I went back to work mid January. Nothing had changed except the bitch ramped up her bullying. After 2 weeks I could feel my health going downhill again.

Then I lost the job. My on-site boss (the client) told my managers she didn't want me on site again as my time off sick had been disruptive to the business. There were meetings back and forth but she wasn't changing her mind.

I walked out of that building with a feeling of sheer relief.

I had a meeting with my managers to end the contract a week later and they couldn't have been nicer to me. I'd worked for them for years with no complaints and they were sad to have to finish me but agreed to a good reference and a small settlement.

I'm starting to build myself back up slowly. I go to the gym, do yoga and go to guided meditation classes, as well as seeing a CBT counsellor. I don't drink and limit my caffeine intake. But it's going to take a long time as I'm wrecked. I lost a stone in a couple of weeks at the worst point then went back into work and lost another half-stone in 3 weeks. My face looks 10 years older, my hair is thin and my body is bony with sagging skin. I feel the cold easily and am tired most of the time.

Around the start of November I started seeing a man and hit it off well with him. Of course being drunk and halfway mad I fucked it up completely and lost him. I'm 36, have always been single, childless, I live in a houseshare and now that looks like the way it will stay. Who the hell is going to be interested in a complete relationships novice who also has a broken brain?

I'm feeling better than I was and people assume I've recovered, but no-one realises this stage can be as bad as the crying-all-day part. Because this bit feels completely flat. A friend who is a psych nurse explained that as I was bouncing from crisis to crisis I would have been flooded with adrenaline and other stress hormones, as well as all that booze and caffeine, and it is like kicking a hard drug addiction. Rehab blues are well known and a reason for many a relapse or other bad decision.

There are times when every day feels like 3am all day long. No light to be seen and no good decisions to be made. My fight is not to contact this bloke. We have a mutual friend so the day will come I'll see him again. But I know I mustn't do it. He made his choice. But still I feel lonely as hell but terrified of starting anything new, and I do know I'm not ready to date anyone yet. But it's tough.

[Magickl]

Happyaxolotl I feel for you, I haven't got any wisdom, but hoping for better days ahead for you. 💐

[dyinginside]

I hate my husband and wish he would die, I would not be sad at all, I would feel a massive sense of relief
He's not abusive
I post about my situation under lots of names, but I never tell the full story, I'm having affairs/random sex and ask advice as though single
I was going to say I know I'm awfull but actually I don't feel awful, I feel alive, I love the attention and the thrill and the sex and if I'm found out so be it
Anything is better than this awfull nothingness I have at home, I'm staring down the barrel of another twenty years of this and it makes me feel like opening a vein
I can't leave though, I just can't, so I'll carry on taking risks and having affairs
I have however just found someone that may turn my life on its head, time will tell
I used to be so judgemental about people who had affairs, really judgemental, I'm the last person you'd think who would act like this, yet here I am,

[PurpleNurple69]

Not judging at all dying but what is it about your husband you hate? And why can't you leave? Is it because you don't love your husband but he loves you?

[Offred]

Dying - I used to feel all that about my husband. I used to just wish he would have a motorbike accident on the way home from work. That frightened me and I left him. Turns out he is abusive and I no longer fantasise about him dying now I am out.

[Offred]

Sorry, that was very self involved. I meant to say that the wishing him dead is a normal feeling I think if you feel trapped with him. Feeling trapped with him may be because he is abusive.

[dyinginside]

He's not abusive, although he did stand next to me and tell me he hated me wild I was cooking dinner the other day
It's like living with a child, he takes responsibility for nothing but he does more than his share with house and kids, can't pay a bill or make a phone call, can't hold a conversation, sits on the couch most nights sleeping and snoring and looks like something off a csi slab, I no longer find him attractive and would rather be skinned alive and rolled in salt than sleep with him
I know we should talk about it but I don't want to, I don't want to make it right
We muddle along mostly as friend and it's ok most of the time, I'm truthfully staying for money, security, and fear of being on my own

[milldred]

Dyinginside

I'm in exactly the same position. No judgement here. It's awful isn't it. I'm just not brave enough to get out and to tear my kids world apart. There is an OM... I thought we were going to be together... but he's in the same position with his partner and neither of us has the balls to actually make the change... Even though the friends and family on both sides that know about us want us to be together too. I've ended things with him because it's not going anywhere so aside from the fact I'm trapped im now heartbroken and so is he. We both cry whenever we see each other which isn't ideal as we work together. I just want to run away.

[loopdesoup]

Sounds awful dying. It's difficult being with a man who just muddles through life making little effort. Leaving is so difficult and thrown about as if it's an easy thing to do on MN. I feel similarly towards my DP in terms of laziness etc, however I want to sleep with him, he doesn't want to sleep with me. I tell him how much I worry about our relationship all the time, always working on it whilst he does very little. I am worried that I'll eventually get to a point where I stop trying and have affairs too.

[carnationlilyrose]

cheeky couldn't just read and run, your post was so sad. I hope you find the strength and support you need to carry on with your degree. I hope you manage to sort out the situation with your DP, too - it sounds like you're investing a lot in this relationship and not getting much back.

[Lucysdiamonds]

I've messed up my whole life. I've been depressed for longer than I care to think about. I've two failed marriages behind me. All my children suffer with depression. My youngest overdosed early this year. Now I'm struggling to get her to go to even one lesson a day .. a few months before her gcses. I take antidepressants and have started taking valium in small doses when I can't cope .. not prescribed by my gp .. they won't. I've moved my youngest across the country so I could be with someone I loved but now think I have to admit the relationship isn't working out. I moved away from my mum just when she needed me most after my dad died and whilst she was recovering from cancer. I don't visit as often as I should, partly due to anxiety and depression but partly because I don't like being there. I've just rehomed my dog because I couldn't cope anymore. I'm on long term sick. I spend more than I should to try and make myself happy. I have three cats in a rental property where pets aren't allowed .. but can't rehome them because my daughter loves them (I do too ). I'm overweight and spend too much time online.
Sorry for the rant .. I hate myself at present.

[ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess]

Another with a drink problem here. Sober for four years and then started again when my partner left, which is crazy because his leaving was the best thing that could have happened - I also had moments when I wanted to kill him, I hated him that much but he always threatened to take DS if I left and that he would use my previous alcohol use as a reason. Involved with SS now and getting support from Addaction. But yep, fucked up royally and very touched by this thread. This is what MN should be about. We all have the potential to change. Love to you all.