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HELP - Office Affair

(278 Posts)
Lostmymind01 Thu 09-Feb-17 14:58:40

I am seeking advice how to get over my infatuation of a close work colleague.
I am with a long term partner and before Christmas I had a brief sexual affair with a married mum of 2 with whom I work closely with. We are both happy in our relationships but it seemed a little bored of the sex, and we had a chemistry and it was unbelievably exciting. It only lasted a few months and both agreed that it needed to end.
Since we returned to work, she has gone very quiet with me, and explained how it made her realise what she had to lose and made things better for her marriage.
I know its wrong on all levels, and don't need the patronising comments. But I have returned to work and feel like I am going cold turkey from a drug. We are still friendly etc. but things just aren't the same on the friendship level. I need practical advice on how to get over it, as I am really struggling, and its affecting my relationship, sleep, etc.
Please Help

Adora10 Thu 09-Feb-17 15:06:18

End your relationship then spend time working out why you were even interested in having sex with a married woman with 2 kids; do you not have a conscience?

Clearly you don't love your current partner so end it and don't get involved with married people, it's nasty.

scoobydoo1971 Thu 09-Feb-17 15:20:15

You committed the cardinal sin...affair in your workplace...and now you have to see her afterwards. You cannot get over it when she is there. Find another job and make a decision about your relationship - no more affairs, or leave your partner.

Finola1step Thu 09-Feb-17 15:26:34

Accept that things won't be the same with your affair partner...because you had sex. Simple really. You can't undo what has been done. Accept that the boundary between you has had to be redrawn.

The honest thing to do would be to tell your partner about the affair and she then gets to decide if she wants you both to work towards repairing the damage you have caused.

Ohdearducks Thu 09-Feb-17 15:30:29

Sorry but you need to go through this angst to learn a lesson; don't shit where you eat. Suck it up buttercup.

HarmlessChap Thu 09-Feb-17 15:43:34

I know its wrong on all levels, and don't need the patronising comments.
That's a shame as, from what I've seen previously, that's all you are likely to get in reply to a post like that.

AutumnRose1988 Thu 09-Feb-17 15:51:13

There's no quick fix I'm afraid :-(
Breaking any habit and going cold turkey after experiencing excitement is hard but that's the only thing you can do.

Perhaps consider moving jobs (sounds severe but that's kind of what needs to be done) you need to consciously stop yourself thinking about her when your mind wanders. If u choose to keep it from your partner then perhaps try and funnel everything into making your relationship better. Book a holiday, have a few nice date nights?

Happyfoodie50 Thu 09-Feb-17 16:02:38

I can relate I got close to a man once when my kids were young. I met him at school gates as he was a stay at home dad. We talked, he was charming , understanding everything my husband at the time wasn't . I was drawn like a magnetic and he seemed perfect . He asked me for a drink but knew there was too much at stake so I declined. The problem is because something was missing in your relationship and you put this work colleague on a pedistal and you're traumatised as she's cut off the feel good dopamine that was racing through your body . It's like a drug. You may need to look around for another job as it maybe difficult still seeing her. It's not love though but infatuation. Sex creates bonds, shame you crossed the line. Tell your partner the truth.
I left my husband and he left his wife though and eventually we got together about a year later. It never worked though as a relationship and we soon broke up.

AutumnRose1988 Thu 09-Feb-17 16:26:36

Sorry it didn't work out Happyfoodie50.

Well put and good advice though x

Happyfoodie50 Thu 09-Feb-17 16:53:07

The only way I could deal with it was to go No Contact.Its a horrible feeling but it's all about self preservation.I think you were addicted like a drug. She must be cold if she can switch you off like that though so maybe a lucky escape!

AntiqueSinger Thu 09-Feb-17 17:10:38

You really should leave your job. You are just one of a million people who thinks they can have an affair at work and carry on seeing the person with a 'line drawn underneath', but it rarely ever works out that way. It's painful, or at the very least extremely difficult to go back to being platonic colleagues. Plus you end up torn, knowing the affair was wrong, but then undoing yourself by courting the attention in the hope it will start up again.

Sorry to be patronising, but you cannot have your cake and eat it here. Consider your partner and respect them enough to start looking for a new job, and stop the mind fuck.

turnhamg Thu 09-Feb-17 17:38:22

Breaking off an affair with a work colleague is absolutely excruciating at first, but you will get over it. You can leave your job if you like, but I don't agree that you necessarily should. If you are going to stay put and sweat it out, then keep things professional (strictly no contact outside of work) and eventually (several months probably) the feelings will fade.

In the meantime, as part of that process, you need to think about why you needed the affair: what this itch is that you needed to scratch, and what you are going to do about it next.

Lostmymind01 Thu 09-Feb-17 18:16:14

Great advice all, especially HappyFoodie50. We work closely together so its difficult.
We do still talk and get on as friends, but its not like it was. Its more small talk about nothing, and I think that's her way of coping and moving on.
I miss the friendship the most and not the sex, but I suppose its going to be like this for a while, and it was just such a shock to from full on, to absolute nothing

Happyfoodie50 Thu 09-Feb-17 20:15:12

So sorry you feel like this.. unless you've been there people don't understand. I became obsessive and felt emotions that I had never had to deal with before. I read Psychopath free and that helped. Seems extreme but u think people that seem incredibly attractive and charming are narcisstic and that often leaves you feeling the way you do. I do think if you think there is a future then tell your partner coz maybe there is still something unfinished or maybe it could work between you. I would want to know if I was the partner ,however painful. Good luck and maybe get to the gym. Nothing like working them out the system and feeling good about yourself or run and sign up for some 10k's?

spudlike1 Thu 09-Feb-17 21:40:10

Have you looked up Limerance ?
Remember fantasy : reality, very different

sonjadog Thu 09-Feb-17 22:01:42

You need to accept that the friendship is gone. What´s done is done and it is irreversible. At the moment, you are hoping that you can just kind of forget the affair and get back the good tone and friendly fun you had. Well, you can´t. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can move on, a little wiser from the experience.

I know this because I´ve been there myself regarding a short-lived relationship with a close work colleague. Never ever again will I get involved with someone I work closely with.

talkingtoclarry Thu 09-Feb-17 22:12:25

You can never go back. Cop on to yourself, concentrate on your relationship if there is any point and move on.

AutumnRose1988 Fri 10-Feb-17 08:38:24

What does cop on to yourself mean?

AuntieStella Fri 10-Feb-17 08:48:28

I don't think her comment was remotely patronising.

And going NC is a good, unambiguous way to end a relationship.

You are nit going to be friends again.

You need to dust off your CV and start job-hunting.

And work out what you are going to do about your betrayed DP. You were able to put effort, excitement, chat and your spending money into a different relationship. Just think what things might be like at home if you'd put all that effort into her, except that doesn't seem to be what you want, as it isn't what you did.

talkingtoclarry Fri 10-Feb-17 11:29:30

Autumn, just another way of saying get a grip, sorry!

AutumnRose1988 Fri 10-Feb-17 14:35:54

Will use that one in future hehe x

Lostmymind01 Sat 11-Feb-17 07:00:54

So basically I need to get a grip and stop being naive thinking we can carry being good friends before anything happened?
I find it difficult as there was a gap from the first time and it happening again and we remained close

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad Sat 11-Feb-17 07:16:19

It sounds as though she is keeping you at arms length because, as she told you, she realised what she had to lose in terms of her marriage.
My advice, if finding another job isn't an option, would be to do the same.
You clearly like this woman and the sexual chemistry was good so you're bound to find it difficult now that the relationship has ended and she is being cool towards you. In an ideal situation when things end you don't see the other person so working together post- affair was never going to be easy. I would treat her as she's treating you and try and close your heart and mind to her. Easier said than done I know.

AutumnRose1988 Sat 11-Feb-17 07:51:13

I am going to be harsh now but don't you feel guilty pining for friendship or something from the other woman when you have a loving partner? Don't you think you have managed to get away with the affair and maybe now you should put it behind you and concentrate on your relationship rather than trying to milk your affair dry? You being a little bit greedy OP. I am not a "cheater basher" and I don't like to get my pitchfork out but after indulging in sex with a woman who isn't your partner, you then want a lovely platonic friendship with her to carry on the glow and fuzzy feelings you had before? It's greedy and a bit naughty. You know this. You shouldn't get to win in this situation. You need to work at your relationship and accept you can't have everything your own way.

Lostmymind01 Sat 11-Feb-17 09:51:38

Autumnrose1988 harsh, but very fair. And I agree I'm being selfish. Once I'm over the infatuation I can concentrate on what I've got. Just struggling to get past that right now

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