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Original poster

HELP - Office Affair

277 replies

Lostmymind01 · 09/02/2017 14:58

I am seeking advice how to get over my infatuation of a close work colleague.
I am with a long term partner and before Christmas I had a brief sexual affair with a married mum of 2 with whom I work closely with. We are both happy in our relationships but it seemed a little bored of the sex, and we had a chemistry and it was unbelievably exciting. It only lasted a few months and both agreed that it needed to end.
Since we returned to work, she has gone very quiet with me, and explained how it made her realise what she had to lose and made things better for her marriage.
I know its wrong on all levels, and don't need the patronising comments. But I have returned to work and feel like I am going cold turkey from a drug. We are still friendly etc. but things just aren't the same on the friendship level. I need practical advice on how to get over it, as I am really struggling, and its affecting my relationship, sleep, etc.
Please Help

OP posts:
NotYoda · 13/02/2017 16:42

And yes, the "friendship" was the build-up to the sex

xStefx · 13/02/2017 16:50

You want help getting over your affair? If your still so concerned about the other woman then do your wife a favour and let her go and find a man that will treat her better. She only has one life. Ow prefers her husband and you have cheated on your partner , no wonder your feeling shit You should ! Boohoo for you

LottieL · 13/02/2017 17:39

Finally - sense reins.
For what it's worth Venus, I would much prefer you to be giving my partner advice if he were cheating behind my back, rather than Autumn types.

Original poster
Lostmymind01 · 13/02/2017 18:53

Wow there some haters on here, and in my case rightly so. But I've not asked for forgiveness, all I want is practical advice to get over it.

I know I've come across as still wanting it to carry on, but I don't because I can't deal with the guilt, the tormented sleep and everything else. I'm coming across like this as I'm still infatuated and I WANT to Get over it.

I'm not leaving my job, nor is she. We've chatted today, everything is fine, but in my head I know we're not the same and that's what I want to get over, I don't want to drive home analysing my conversations and thinking about it.

OP posts:
SmileEachDay · 13/02/2017 19:00

And STILL your posts are about you and the OW.

Not your wife. FFS.

Tell her. Let her decide. Or leave her.

LottieL · 13/02/2017 19:01

You won't get over the OW until you get over yourself.

SmileEachDay · 13/02/2017 19:01

And - you don't want to carry on because of your guilt, your tormented sleep. Not because of your wife.

IrianOfW · 13/02/2017 19:58

There is no advice to give you as the only positive, constructive and helpful thing to do IME is to tell your wife. And you have stated you won't do that. Otherwise it's just white-knuckle it and hope. Good luck with that.

NotYoda · 13/02/2017 20:41

Practical advice:

Bust your moony bubble by telling your partner.

Leave your job

Find a magician to wave a magic wand

Honestly, what do you expect?

NotYoda · 13/02/2017 20:44

"I know I've come across as still wanting it to carry on, but I don't because I can't deal with the guilt, the tormented sleep and everything else"

Read that back. Go on. Read it back.

NotYoda · 13/02/2017 20:47

I also think you need to stop having conversations with the OW. Stop talking about it. It's over.

Happyfoodie50 · 13/02/2017 22:35

Affairs are never worth it as they create more negative emotions than good ones,they rarely work out and don't create a stable loving relationship. My situation started as an emotional affair and such strong emotion that I had never felt this way before it was like being on an emotional rollercoaster.One day I told him we couldn't see each other as the only alternative was leaving my husband and when I got knocked back to reality I felt I had too much to lose. We hadn't crossed the line into a sexual affair which would have made everything so much worse. I remember I felt bereft and grief stricken , heartbroken. Eventually we got together 2 years later as just could t stay in my marriage as knew by just how I had felt so divorced. The problem is an affair is a fantasy and once you start doing mundane stuff you realise there's not much keeping you together. I used to get so jealous and had no trust so it was bound to fail. He was just a player, he wasn't looking for a mundane relationship but just excitement . I agree with everyone that you need to cut her out if you are going to stay with your partner or tell your partner, the chances are she will leave but you will just feel resentful towards her eventually if you still have feelings for this other woman .please be honest as the betrayal is more damaging than anything else.

AutumnRose1988 · 13/02/2017 22:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeachyImpeachment · 14/02/2017 02:57

notyoda exactly.

PushingThru · 14/02/2017 03:04

Find a new job.

MaisyPops · 14/02/2017 08:00

I know I've come across as still wanting it to carry on, but I don't because I can't deal with the guilt, the tormented sleep and everything else

I'm not sure whay you want us to say OP. I know me and some other posters have given practical advice and not gone down tje 'youre a piece of shit' route. But I've said this in almost every reply to you: the guilt and feeling this way is your punnishment for your actions.
You can't wallow in how awful it is to be be feeling like this when it's your cross to carry.
What's starting to bother me now is that you mighy be considering telling your wife, but not from a perspective of 'she deserves to know' and more from a 'if i get it off my chest the guilt might go away'.
Be grateful the affair wasn't more, the other woman has left you. Suck it up, live with the guilt and focus on sorting your marriage out

Happyfoodie50 · 14/02/2017 09:02

This would be my worse nightmare if I was your partner. The deceit , lies, hidden texts, feelings of guilt although anyone that's been infatuated knows the obsession stops any really bad guilt . Everything else becomes secondary. I think youve become lovestruck and hence the sleepless nights, the obsessive thoughts and the feelings of rejection from this woman. You will be a puppet on her string when she gets bored again with her husband.Peoples lives get ruined with theses relationships , no one comes out feeling rosy and that's why you feel empty so you need to fill those emotional gaps.If you are 100% wanting to carry on your relationship then I think you need to come clean as one day you will blurt it out or someone from the office will contact her. People notice these things and the OW has probably talked about it to her female friends , I wouldn't be surprised. Secrets and lies.

MollyHopps · 14/02/2017 09:31

OP I was in a similar situation as you, but not as intensely and nothing happened. It made me realise that if my head could be turned then I couldn't have loved my DP as much as I thought I did.

I am in a much happier place now, and I think something that helped me was recognising that our relationship in the workplace was professional and nothing more. I still think about him and we meet up outside of work occasionally. Things are as Ok as they are going to be and I have accepted that nothing can happen between us, regardless of whether I am single now.

Perhaps you should also look at your own relationship and consider what you can change about it to make you stronger together.

MyheartbelongstoG · 14/02/2017 09:54

Tell your wife.

Hopefully she'll leave you and you can save yourself all this angst!

Who wants a dirty cheat.

No one.

Adora10 · 14/02/2017 10:10

This is hilarious, the OP has came back after reading subsequent posts and it's now about his guilt and inability to sleep.

You want to get over it? Stop engaging with her and stop fantasising about her whilst carrying on in a relationship with someone who has no idea what a lying cheating weak person you really are; you might get over it if you come clean and give your partner the chance to see you for what you are, someone she cannot and should not trust.

Try being on your own OP instead of having two women to prop up your ever expanding ego.

MyWineTime · 14/02/2017 10:10

You've fucked up an affair.
You've fucked up your friendship.
You've fucked up your relationship - it can never be the same again, regardless of whether you tell her.
You've fucked up your workplace.
All because you couldn't keep it in your trousers.

I miss the friendship the most and not the sex
It's not going to help if you kids yourself like this. You miss the thrill and the excitement of that sexual chemistry. You're like a dog on heat, that illicit sex is what you are craving. That makes it clear that there is not a shred of regret, no shame and no guilt. If she hadn't ended it, you would still be shagging away with no concern for your partner.

How do you get over it?
Leave your job, but you are far too selfish to do that.
Leave your partner, but you are far too selfish to do that.

You need to take a long hard look in the mirror and at your life, so you can actually try to be honest with yourself and work out, not just what you want (because you can't have your cake and eat it), but whether you are willing to do what it takes to achieve that.

xStefx · 14/02/2017 10:58

Mywine - Spot on

Any practical advice we give OP (such as telling his wife and leaving his job ) he refuses to do as he is too selfish.

Get over yourself like the other woman so easily has
Let your wife get over you to by telling her the truth

This is practical advise, but its not what you want to hear is it!

Original poster
Lostmymind01 · 15/02/2017 08:20

Ok so let's get this right. The best advice is to tell my partner and let her decide if we can work through this or not?
Should OW tell her partner too?

For the record, WE decided to end things, but I didn't legislate for feeling like I do.
Whilst OW does seem stronger, she does have lapses of suggestive calls and texts when drunk which doesn't help.

There are many on here having a real go even though I already know I'm in the wrong and deserve everything I get. But does having a go really help?

This is the real world, these things happen. There is no rule book to follow in these situations and no standard answers, hence why mistakenly I came on here to seek advice

OP posts:
Surreyblah · 15/02/2017 08:36

Yes, OW should tell her partner IMO, but that's not your business.

Your partner may well leave should she know you'd cheated and were infatuated with another woman and lied to her. The most ethical thing to do would be to be honest and give her the option to dump you, before you marry and have DC.

Surreyblah · 15/02/2017 08:37

You're on here looking for tips about how to manage your feelings about OW, while your partner remains in the dark. And you say OW seems narcissistic!