HELP - Office Affair

[Lostmymind01]

I am seeking advice how to get over my infatuation of a close work colleague.
I am with a long term partner and before Christmas I had a brief sexual affair with a married mum of 2 with whom I work closely with. We are both happy in our relationships but it seemed a little bored of the sex, and we had a chemistry and it was unbelievably exciting. It only lasted a few months and both agreed that it needed to end.
Since we returned to work, she has gone very quiet with me, and explained how it made her realise what she had to lose and made things better for her marriage.
I know its wrong on all levels, and don't need the patronising comments. But I have returned to work and feel like I am going cold turkey from a drug. We are still friendly etc. but things just aren't the same on the friendship level. I need practical advice on how to get over it, as I am really struggling, and its affecting my relationship, sleep, etc.
Please Help

Anyone who has multiple partners needs to take care of their sexual health. Your partner should at least be given the opportunity to get herself tested. For all you know, your OW's DH could have been screwing around. You really shouldn't play fast and loose with your partner's sexual health. You owe it to her to tell her so she can get tested.

Once I'm over the infatuation I can concentrate on what I've got.

You haven't given your poor partner a thought and don't even see why you should start now.

I don't feel sorry for you at all.

There is only one thing he can do to make it right. He needs to come clean to his partner and apologise, rather than listen to some of the more stupid advice here.

She needs to know what happened and have the choice of leaving him or working through it.

But really I think he should just leave her. He has no respect for her.

'Mumsnet mafia'
'Pitchforks'
It's all getting a bit dramatic over differing opinions

Autumnrose1988, happyfoodie50, maisypops I want to thank you.

I've read and re-read everything on here and yes it's woken me up. I didn't realise how much I was pining and devoting so much time on something that should not have happened. In particular maisypops frank few on the friendship situation is spot on, and I've realised that the OW also has many narcissistic traits and I have read up on how to deal with this too to help me move on.

My plan is to put this effort into what I have and use it as a learning experience to never do it again

It was stupid advice to tell him to "make time for some date nights" and put the spark back into his relationship while his poor partner remains completely oblivious that he cheated on her and now can't get over the OW, but you are enjoying yourself, that's the main thing!

Don't you think you ought to tell your partner OP? She deserves to know:

Never have I read such self pitying crap, OP, end your relationship and then you can pine away like an injured dog for a married women with two kids who has told you she wants to do the right thing, in other words, not have sex with you anymore, what's hard to understand?

Not one thought for your actual partner in all of this, you are unbelievably self centred, you had an affair, she ended it, get over it and end your relationship cos the poor woman has no idea what a complete waste of time you are.

As for those saying, oh you made a mistake etc; you are still trying your damndest to continue with said mistake, have you not realised anything, that you are hurting people by servicing your own needs?

You clearly should be single so that's my advice, let that poor woman go.

So while you are busy putting effort into what you have and using it as a learning experience, are you going to tell your partner she'd better get herself down the clap clinic pronto? Or are you just going to keep your fingers crossed?

Well aren't you just super reasonable. Interesting that you have thanked only those posters who have stroked you alongside their "advice".

To sum up:

The OW has narcissistic traits.

Your wife has to just continue being ignorant of the full facts.

You get to carry on your life as you wish. Until the next time you meet the next "narcissistic" friend.

Did I cover everything?

Going against the grain here it seems, but, this is your DPs relationship too. If you are serious about making it work you need to tell her what's happened. Show her some honesty and respect and, maybe, she'll decide that what you had is worth working together to keep.

This isn't just about you and how you feel.

A few years ago I worked in a small team where two colleagues, each married to different people, had an affair lasting almost a year. The lies they told to cover it up, and the atmosphere in the team when it all came out, was awful. At least one of them should have quit to lessen the damage to the team, but they could only legitimately see each other at work so put their affair first.

You don't have the right to put your partner on the back burner while you sort out your feelings for your OW. That is simply unjust. Give your partner the facts and let her have some say in the future of your relationship too. Right now she is in the dark which suits you as you can moon and mourn and give a half-assed contribution to your supposedly primary relationship while she carries on as normal

BTW telling her and watching her pain and anger might very well cure you of your addiction PDQ. It worked for my H.

Having had two close friends who engaged in affairs (one cheating on her fiance, the other the OW) its a weird self-justifying place.

My friend always had a reason why she needed to be where other man was, why they had to stay friendly at work, why she responded to his texts, why she couldnt offend him by not going to his gig, why they met for coffee even after they'd agreed to stop, why oops she kissed him again. Upshot was she left her fiance for him, discovered their only compatability was the excitement of cheating and begged her ex to take her back.

I feel like youre still in that space. The one that rationalises everything you do that, honestly, prioritises the affair.

Imagine your DP found out. Would you care? If you wanted to save your relationship what would you do? Staying close colleagues wouldnt be an option so if you value your relationship enough you'll find a way round it.

Youve made a massive mistake. Anyone can mess up but you have to be a grown up & deal with the consequences. This includes making changes to your life to protect your DP from further pain.

We are both happy in our relationships but it seemed a little bored of the sex, and we had a chemistry and it was unbelievably exciting. It only lasted a few months

AR: does this strike you as a person that actually gives a shit about a woman he's in a relationship with, really?

Autumn - you have called Venus a "battle axe" and a "poisonous cow".

Do you not like other women very much? You seem awfully riled on behalf of a man who is clinging on to an affair...

Yes and funnily enough the OP has only really replied to Autumn's posts, funny that eh.

As for battleaxe and poisonous cow - that's not very nice now is it.

Once I'm over the infatuation I can concentrate on what I've got.

So, your wife gets to wait around until you decide to concentrate on what you've got.

That's not how it works, I'm afraid. When you're married - you don't get to fuck someone else and then just keep your wife hanging while you get over your infatuation.

Furthermore, you don't get to tell people not to "patronise" you.

What exactly do you want from this thread? For everyone to tell you there there and applaud you because you've decided to "try" to get over this infatuation.

But, here's the thing; you wouldn't want to get over it if she was still willing to get under you, would you? She's distanced herself and you're not happy about it

Boo fucking hoo.

There are these irritating little things that get in the way of sordid little affairs like yours. They're called consequences.

And just because there are other amoral, desperate to be cool wifey types agreeing with you, doesn't mean your behaviour is ok in any way, shape, or form.

Besides, you have someone saying things like "Mumsnet Mafia" and thinking that's oh-so-witty and original on your side. That's nothing to celebrate.

And just because there are other amoral, desperate to be cool wifey types agreeing with you, doesn't mean your behaviour is ok in any way, shape, or form.

Love it!

He still can't see it; but then again the world is full of all kinds of people, including utter selfish self centred pricks like this and even worse, folk coming on here to sooth his ever so fragile ego, makes me puke, like that's what you'd be telling your son or brother, nah.

What is stopping you from leaving your job?

Another thing to mention: people at work may well know/suspect what has happened. It will have altered their view of you and her

What comes over is not your shame but your infatuation.