HELP - Office Affair

[Lostmymind01]

I am seeking advice how to get over my infatuation of a close work colleague.
I am with a long term partner and before Christmas I had a brief sexual affair with a married mum of 2 with whom I work closely with. We are both happy in our relationships but it seemed a little bored of the sex, and we had a chemistry and it was unbelievably exciting. It only lasted a few months and both agreed that it needed to end.
Since we returned to work, she has gone very quiet with me, and explained how it made her realise what she had to lose and made things better for her marriage.
I know its wrong on all levels, and don't need the patronising comments. But I have returned to work and feel like I am going cold turkey from a drug. We are still friendly etc. but things just aren't the same on the friendship level. I need practical advice on how to get over it, as I am really struggling, and its affecting my relationship, sleep, etc.
Please Help

Sounds to me you don't like the fact she dumped you.

What everyone else said. If you want to stay with your partner then drop the teenage angst act and start behaving like a grown up in a relationship. If you want lots of drama then have the decency to tell your partner.

Please tell me there are no kids caught up in this self indulgent mess?

Devil I was going to ask the same thing. I hope there arent any kids involved as what a disloyal, coward of a father they have. I hope his wife finds out and leaves him too she deserves more ( she does) The other woman probably picks him up and drops him as she feels like because she sees what a drooling mess of a puppy he is over her,no wonder she doesn't want to be with him. I'm Not sure this post is real, can anybody really be this pathetic the way he makes excuses for his actions ? And he is still crying about it nearly a month on.

Lost, you not being in the right 'mindset' to stop this is the problem. So what will stop you?

If it's not respect and love for your partner, let's go another way for a moment. Let's think about your life. Let's say that you can't have both women, because although the OW likes the idea of deceiving the other and having you whenever she feels like it, you do the decent thing and release your partner from this because she wouldn't accept the idea of sharing you (even though she hasn't been given the choice yet as doesn't know she is sharing, but let's say she knows and you are no longer with her).

So you don't have your partner now. You have one woman - the OW. You have her because you are infatuated with her and will do whatever she says and you can't get her out of your 'head' (sorry but that is aka trousers here I feel ...) and you just have to have her.

Is the OW going to leave her 'main' partner? I think you said not. So you then don't have your own partner (which you shouldn't anyhow, if you're going to carry on with someone else) and you do have what you wanted - the OW (when it pleases her).

How does that feel?

Obviously probably feels strangely upsetting and unsatisfactory and like you have thrown away something of true value, and irreplaceable.

Do you think that then you might start to feel less infatuated with the OW? Would you then see that this attraction is actually pretty base and it is only going, ultimately, to bring you unhappiness?

Or let's make a real leap of imagination - the OW leaves her partner to be with you (this is only likely to happen if you win the lottery or add some other very concrete attractions to yourself that outweigh whatever she gets from her partner) (sorry, call me cynical, but this OW, as described by you, is genuinely selfish as far as I can see). Now she's 'yours'. But is she? Of course you can never be sure. Maybe she's fucking someone else at work from time to time, when she feels like it?

Isn't this all madness? Go and talk to someone to change your mindset, if you can't yourself.

Or leave your partner.

Do the right thing one way or the other.

User 14886 - omg - I am so sorry. So sorry.

I understand all of it. It is an awful tale, and yet it is horribly common - it happens all the time. But when it happens to you, it is almost impossible to believe and accept.

He's been up to speed all the way, and known what was happening. You have a whole load to catch up on - you have to reconfigure the past and add in what has really been happening.

Am so sorry - can't write now but will later.

OP what's the point of this selfish drivel? You don't take anyone's advice and only cherry pick the responses that suit you. You're a pathetic excuse for a man, if you do really exist, and know you're incredibly selfish. Go away and shag your old office trollop and your poor unsuspecting dp and stop bloody wining on here if you aren't going to LISTEN!

User please start another thread of your own and paste over what you have written here. Unfortunately you have tagged your dilemma onto the end of this pathetic man's self indulgent opus.

What have I done wrong now
You started with a plausible account of an affair.
You showed an absurd level of selfishness, lack of insight or sincerity.
You ignored every piece of advice you so desperately claimed to need.
You then returned with a truly farcical tale with faux emotions.
And you whine like a small child.

Omg I am sorry I didn't realise I did that.

I lost interest in this now. The OW sounds awful. OP, perhaps you and the OW deserve each other?

We only have the OP's version of the OW.

What are the chances that he's spinning the story so he can be the victim?

Re: OW - if she knows he has a partner, and she also has one, yet she wants to have the OP on hand as it were to fuck from time to time, isn't that bad? If just those main fact are true, then I'd say she's bad.

I was talking to a friend about this today. When it comes to sober, ongoing affairs, there really there are two camps - those who wouldn't betray their partner, and those who would. It's really simple.

But I don't think the OP has presented himself as a victim. Only as a victim of his own weakness.

It only takes one person to be decent. If she was, she wouldn't propose fucking him. If he was, he wouldn't take her up on it.

Ok, OP - try and stop yourself this way: think of how when you are fucking your partner, she thinks your dick has only been in her for the past however long. But you know it's also been in the OW (and do you even use condoms? omg). Effectively, you are making your partner share bodily fluids with the OW. Is that fair?

How much do you love your partner?

The OW acts on you like poison - like a bad drug. For whatever reason you find that addictive and irresistible, but you have to just avoid it. Resist it. Be strong instead of weak.

Do you drink at lunchtime on Tuesdays? Probably not. It might feel good at the time, but afterwards would feel shit, and you might lose your job, licence, etc.

The danger in what you're doing with the OW is that you lose your home, your partner, your life as you know it.

I'm being too nice, I know - the others here will tell me off! Ok, I'll say it: you are being just too extraordinarily selfish, and if you carry on with this, you absolutely don't deserve your partner.

Make your choice. At least do that.

Oh dear. Maybe it makes you feel more attractive, if you're fucking two women?

If that's the case, you've got the wrong model in your head of what constitutes a cool guy.

Stop watching porn. Start reading Jane Austen.

I don't believe a single word he says, Wings

He has presented as a victim. Of his feelings, of the "narcissistic" OW who "dresses a little sluttily", of posters here who have been more robust in their response.

And yes, you are being too nice. But I bet he responds to your post..

The problem with your suggestion Wings is that it require he considers the situation from his girlfriend's point of view. He has demonstrated repeatedly that he is not capable of that, he can only see things from his own point of view. He is only interested in how all of this affects him.

I cannot disagree with anything said. I want to understand why I did it in the first place, why I'm still craving it and how the hell do i stop it.

I might just be a really selfish bastard and never realised it, and of course I'm coming across as the victim as I'm the one stupidly moping about wanting more and I'm angry at myself for feeling like this.

I was so happy, and my partner is the most amazing and beautiful woman and I could never ever find anyone like her again, so why have I had my head turned and continuously allow it to be by OW?

My own theory is because the sex is exciting and naughty, but I wouldn't want to be with the OW in a relationship so why do it in the first place is what I keep asking myself

You have answered your own question. You did it because it was exciting and naughty and available. You may have got a bit bored in your long term relationship. It made you feel good at the time. You still crave it as it is like a drug. Can you move jobs?

How you are feeling now is the consequence of such actions. I feel very sorry for your wife.

You do it because you are incapable of seeing things from your girlfriend's point of view. You may think you love her but you love her as a possession, you don't respect her as a person, you don't care about what she is getting out of this relationship with you. This means that you don't have to invest any effort into making the relationship better or worthwhile.

It's a normal drive for people (men particularly) to seek novelty in sex, but that really isn't difficult to do within a relationship, but it takes effort. You go for the easy option of shagging someone else because your GF doesn't mean enough to you not to. Your wants will always come above hers so you've got no reason to stop yourself.

Everything is about what is good for you.
Your GF is good to come home to.
You don't want to change job because you like it.
You have good sex with the OW.
You're not willing to sacrifice the job or the OW for your GF because she isn't worth it to you.

Another possible tack (as you controlling yourself seems not possible at the moment):

You need to somehow start associating everything to do with the OW as dirty in a bad way.

The OW is, effectively, attacking your amazing beautiful partner. This is a personal thing and as a woman, the OW knows how she's damaging your partner, and she doesn't care.

The only person who can defend your partner is you.

To be honest, I'm starting to feel a bit tired of my own positivity here. I really just feel you shouldn't be with your lovely partner and should be on your own to enjoy the naughty sex with the at best amoral OW and you can both have what you want but not at least hurt your partner. I feel so sorry for her. Just so sorry. And tbh I've kind of stopped feeling that sorry for you, because I know for example that I'd have the bloody moral gumption to just say no, but it seems like you don't.

Basically just pull yourself together and be a decent man and not a bastard. That's it.

I started out saying your choice is to be good or bad. That doesn't seem to have a strong enough effect on you. So from a purely selfish perspective, think: this is your choice:

Be a happy guy with an amazing partner in an honest, kind, rewarding relationship.

Be a guy who had the perfect girl and couldn't make the most of it, so behaved awfully and lost her just so he could occasionally fuck a 'slutty' coworker when she would allow, and who clearly had issues herself as was cheating on her husband.

What happens to the second guy? Where does he go from there?

Or maybe you're doing this because however amazing and beautiful your partner, she isn't right for you. So end it with her and be on your own and fuck who you like until you are ready to be with someone properly. ?

Having said all that, I think I know why I've kept giving you advice - because I DO rate the humility, in a way, that you've shown by coming on here and asking. Obviously asking to be slaughtered but still s kind of naivety which is probably one reason you're where you are.

This is all, at the moment, hidden from your partner. It seems almost harmless. But trust me, it isn't - the devastation what you're doing could cause to your partner is too bad. It would change her forever.

I honestly think that if you do leave her then you shouldn't tell her why. The poor thing might just forgive you. And live in misery. Why can't you just stop this?? Watch porn ffs. But you don't need to actually do it.