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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HELP - Office Affair

277 replies

Lostmymind01 · 09/02/2017 14:58

I am seeking advice how to get over my infatuation of a close work colleague.
I am with a long term partner and before Christmas I had a brief sexual affair with a married mum of 2 with whom I work closely with. We are both happy in our relationships but it seemed a little bored of the sex, and we had a chemistry and it was unbelievably exciting. It only lasted a few months and both agreed that it needed to end.
Since we returned to work, she has gone very quiet with me, and explained how it made her realise what she had to lose and made things better for her marriage.
I know its wrong on all levels, and don't need the patronising comments. But I have returned to work and feel like I am going cold turkey from a drug. We are still friendly etc. but things just aren't the same on the friendship level. I need practical advice on how to get over it, as I am really struggling, and its affecting my relationship, sleep, etc.
Please Help

OP posts:
JustSpeakSense · 12/02/2017 14:40

You seem more focused and fixated on the married woman still and not at all bothered about your own DP.

Married woman was not yours to have in the first place, and she's obviously a selfish shit anyway.

You need to break it off with your DP, she deserves better.

AutumnRose1988 · 12/02/2017 15:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AutumnRose1988 · 12/02/2017 15:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

venusinscorpio · 12/02/2017 16:00

No just pointing out a fact that OPs where it is a woman who has cheated, or is the OW are usually flamed. Do you have some reading comprehension issues? You were the one criticising other people's posts. You do seem overinvested. I'm sure there are forums where you'd be happier.

Re the OP, he is a self-indulgent cheat, and you are enabling his poor behaviour.

Happyfoodie50 · 12/02/2017 16:15

I have been cheated on and also got myself mixed up in an emotional affair. I actually see both sides. I think If someone is a blatant player, narcissist and doesn't care about their partner I can see they deserve all they get but i can see the OP is confused by his feelings and obviously bit off more than he can chew! I don't think you can keep things the same with your partner. Someone that's happy doesn't have sex with someone else, the boundary came down too easily so I agree now that's ended you can't continue with your partner she has to know. I can't see how the other woman can just cut you off as women tend to be more emotional and I can't see her marriage lasting either. If you were meant to be it will happen. You can't help who you fall in love with but you can do the right thing now.

SmileEachDay · 12/02/2017 17:11

Blimey.

I have never seen an OW treated with such kindness and respect here. Especially not one asking how they can stop pining over their partner in crime.

But a man? Aww...let's look after him. 🙄

AutumnRose1988 · 12/02/2017 17:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

venusinscorpio · 12/02/2017 17:31

I got your username wrong. Big deal. You give inane advice and don't understand posts.

"Now don't be naughty and greedy OP, you really can't have two women at once x"

"You don't have to tell your partner, just make time for some date nights"

SmileEachDay · 12/02/2017 17:34

venus

But the poor menz. They can't be expected to not get all in a muddle. He's all confused and needs sugar coated kid glove treatment. Or he might feel all sad.

venusinscorpio · 12/02/2017 17:35

I am totally Sad for his situation.

SmileEachDay · 12/02/2017 17:36

Me too.

He's the victim here.

Original poster
Lostmymind01 · 12/02/2017 17:41

I know I did wrong, so does she. We are friends still and have to be as we work closely together so deleting numbers is not an option. My struggle is I'm infatuated and we are not as close as we were. I never expected to be like this. She's obviously much stronger than I but I am a man after all!!!!
I was only after advice to get over it and her, not asking people to condone my behaviour as I'm ashamed enough as it is

OP posts:
venusinscorpio · 12/02/2017 17:42

What about your actual partner? Doesn't she deserve some consideration?

SmileEachDay · 12/02/2017 17:47

If you are actually ashamed, then leave your wife. That's what I did, when I realised I had feelings for someone outside my relationship. If anything, I should have done it sooner, although nothing physical actually happened.

Stop painting yourself as the victim.

Happyfoodie50 · 12/02/2017 17:47

I don't think because he's a man he's been given any different advice than if it was a woman in this situation. I don't judge anyone.Anyone should be able to ask a question on here without getting a bashing. I think anyone being deceitful is wrong and not fair but now you've found yourself in this situation you should be cutting this woman out of your life as you're not on a level playing field. She's chosen her husband and you may be left with rebuilding your life on your own as can't see your partner will want to carry on, I wouldn't as would never trust you again. I think you probably didn't want the affair to end and wanted things to stay the same but it's not that easy and not fair on everybody involved.

SmileEachDay · 12/02/2017 17:49

foodie - he has. OW get absolutely slated on here.

sonjadog · 12/02/2017 17:50

At the root of the problem is that you are self-centred. You only cared about yourself when you started this affair, and now you only care about fixing this situation so you feel good now. The two women and how they might feel and what they might want are irrelevancies to you.

I suggest you stop thinking about yourself for a while and try thinking about other people. I think it will be clear to you what you should do to deal with this situation if you do that.

AutumnRose1988 · 12/02/2017 19:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Happyfoodie50 · 12/02/2017 21:25

That's exactly right advice. I think people that cheat never think these things through but just act on their desires. Choices are made that aren't always right but in the end this scenario never works out. Guilt, jealousy, hurt and heartbreak are all emotions that are felt.Sometimes you can't help who you fall in love with or lust with as it doesn't seem you wanted to leave partners or have something more. Perhaps you did but she didn't want any more. Don't let your partner be second best. It's not fair. The very fact you have this depressed feeling is that the dopamine has been cut off. Do you still fancy your partner? I would be mortified and heartbroken if my partner was asking the same questions on a forum behind my back! How can you even think about being friends with this women even if you work together it's such a big dark secret to carry around. Must be something you can do about moving roles or jobs?

AutumnRose1988 · 13/02/2017 05:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Surreyblah · 13/02/2017 06:01

You were not friends before the affair: it was always a potential sexual relationship. Totally unrealistic to want to be friends now.

MagicChicken · 13/02/2017 06:07

I miss the friendship the most and not the sex

No, you miss the sex and the thrill of a new affair. You still have the friendship, you said it yourself. It's there - it's just not as intimate as you'd like it to be and it's changed somewhat.

There is no easy answer to this. You have to respect her decision and try to move on. Getting a new job will help things enormously.

Surreyblah · 13/02/2017 06:09

And furthrr crappy treatment of your partner.

MaisyPops · 13/02/2017 07:32

'I miss the friendship the most and not the sex'

  • I can believe you miss the company more than sex. BUT, You miss the version of friendship that existed before you slept together. You'rr missing the banter and the flirting and thr tension etc. OP don't kid yourself that all of that before you started sleeping together was 'just friends' or you're making this situation more difficult to deal with. Before you have a cat in hells chance of dealing with this mess then you need to accept thay what you had before was never really 'just friends'. It may have been a slightly flirty friendship, it may have been a full emotional affair. Only you know.

And to other posters, I'd be thr same with cheating wives, other women etc. If somebody has made a shite decision and had come online asking for advice (understandably because they probably feel crap and can't talk to anyone in real life) then it doesn't matter what I think of their actions, insulting posters with spite and nastiness that I've seen on some MN threads isn't helpful.

Whathappensnowthen · 13/02/2017 08:11

I am in a similar situation. Two married people, work closely together in an office, 'friendship' way overstepped the mark. He doesn't seem fussed either way (whether to continue or not) whereas I have fallen for him. My husband and I have separated. (This was on the cards prior to all this happening though, this has just clarified in my mind that I clearly don't love or respect him any more and therefore our relationship must end).

I have posted about this and really, the only solution to 'getting over' this is for one or other of you to find employment elsewhere. As pp have said, there will always be that little secret, that knowledge between you that will be perpetuated whilst you work together. If you want to salvage your relationship and put this behind you then there is no other way.